Why do you hate me so much?
I never said I did…
Well… of course you didn't say you did. You don't have to say it.
Sanzo… what are you talking about?
I see the way you look at those girls at the bars and how you stare at Hakkai. You don't love me anymore, do you?
How the hell do you think that I don't love you?!
If you loved me like you used to you wouldn't be looking at other people!
Ugh! So what if I look at other people? Is it really that big of a deal?!
Fuck you, Gojyo! You've done enough!
That was the day that I made the biggest mistake of my life. Yes, it was a big deal that I looked other people's direction. Especially to Sanzo. I don't know what I was thinking that made me believe that it wasn't, but whatever it was… deserves to be shoved into a lake with a cement block on their feet. I lost the love of my life that day all because of my mouth. The least I could've done was confronted him in person. Talking over the internet was no way we should've had that conversation…
And to think. There were times that I swore I'd be the first of us to die. I knew, or thought I knew, that one of the guys would end up finding me on the side of the road, either beaten so badly that I was stone-dead, or find me dead either from alcohol or drug abuse. But my thoughts were proven wrong almost a year ago now…. I remember him so well still….
In case you were wondering, Sanzo killed himself that night. I saved that internet conversation so I can read it everyday and ask myself what the hell I was thinking. I still don't know. All I remember is that conversation, then going out to a bar to get my mind off of things. I found a few guys who had the balls to play me in poker. I got a few bucks outta that. On my way home I felt a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, I should've listened to it and ran faster home, but having just been at a bar, I shrugged it off as my stomach not totally agreeing with the alcohol.
I walked into the apartment the two of us were sharing at the time and it was eerily quiet. Sanzo always had some type of background noise. Believe me or not, he hated silence. He was fine with the quiet, loved it actually, but if there was no sound at all it would drive him almost mad. I spoke his name several times before I started to worry. I ran to our bedroom and found him face down on our bed with a note lying next to him. I didn't see any blood, so at first I just expected him to be sleeping… and then I picked up the note. I still remember what that note said, even in my drunken state my mind somehow noted it perfectly…
Gojyo,
I'm sorry that I was never good enough for you.
I knew this would happen all along….
I don't know for sure why I trusted you or loved you.
I sure as hell don't know why I still do…
But don't worry..
You don't need to worry about me anymore.
Don't worry about me taking my pills anytime soon…
They'll be gone before you get home.
I promise.
Waiting for you,
Sanzo
That note could've killed me right then and there if I had the mind to believe it. I flipped him over and opened his eyes, but they had rolled into the back of his head and I nearly screamed when I saw the empty pill bottle on the floor. Sanzo had been prescribed sleeping pills nearly a week before and had only taken them twice, so Lord knows how many he took that night.
It may seem strange to most, but I rememeber the strangest things about him.
I remember how he smelled, not only his cologne, in fact, I don't hardly remember his cologne at all. I mostly remember his hair. It always smelled like smoke. Not cigarette smoke, but rather the smell of fall. Of burning leaves, bonfires, barbeque smoke. I never did get to find out why, but I loved it either way.
Another thing I remember of Sanzo is how strong he was. Not his physical strength, not his intellegence, but his emotion shield he always held in front of him; that is, before I got through to him one night.
Another night I shall never forget.
It was the night we first found our love for each other, and the first night I saw Sanzo cry.
Most people find it hard to believe but Sanzo did cry. Even asshole priests have emotions too, people. I was walking down the hallway in the hotel we were staying in and I heard him saying something in his room. I wasn't sure of what, but I knew it was Sanzo and I knew they were words. I slowly opened the door and I heard that what he was saying was a sutra. I walked into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed, from what I know he didn't hear me or feel me sit down, because he just kept chanting. I listened carefully, studying every word, every syllable, every change in pitch. The words, though at the time I had no idea what they meant, spoke to me in a way I had never been spoken to. For some reason his voice mixed with the mesmerizing words took me back to my past, my childhood, and my eyes teared up. I closed them so I was able to listen harder, hoping that maybe I could find the meaning somewhere in his voice. And then he stopped, though I left my eyes closed.
He said my name and my eyes slowly opened, revealing my tears to the man I was always so ashamed of showing emotion to, but for some reason this time, I didn't care. He asked me what was wrong and I explained to him the feelings I felt for an unknown reason whilst he was chanting. He proceeded to give me a small smile, then sat back in his bed and began to tell me that it was a chant to remember those who have passed, to look back on memories of our childhood, our past. He said it made sense for me to feel what I felt, so I felt a bit better.
Then there was a moment of silence, and not knowing what else to do, I got on my hands and knees, leaned forward and kissed my priest. He gave no response at first, then slowly kissed me back. When I broke away his eyes were the ones tearing up. I didn't quite understand why I had made him cry, so I asked him to explain. He began to tell me about his past and his childhood. He told me of all the ridicule, of how his parents had sent him away at a very young age because they no longer wanted him. He told me how he had always felt alone and unloved, and said that he was terribly miserable because he couldn't have a partner because he was given the title of Sanzo priest. He said he hadn't chosen to be Sanzo, and that he wanted to feel the same love that we had all felt before in our lives.
It hurt me terribly to see him like that.
I held him so closely that night, I'm sure I could've suffocated him. After that night I swore to him that I would never leave him or betray him, leave him, or cheat on him. I told him I would never want anyone else to be mine, and I wanted to be no one else's. And it wasn't a lie.
I still remember that chant…
I have traveled so long
In so many years
Long forgotten of my childish fears
Of the future I am living now
Take me back to how I am
How I was, who I was
The memories that weigh down on me
I want them back, but not as memoirs
As my life, day-by-day
I want my mother back
Kissing away the scars I've obtained
I want my father back
Telling me how to be the man I never could be for him
I want my friends back
All of those who have died away in my years
I want my past back
Give me my life again.
Since his death I have gone back to the Temple of the Setting Sun. A few times. Once for his funeral and numorous times to retreive his belongings. It's taken me a few trips, only because of the memories we had there haunted me everytime I walked into that room. It was almost like I could hear that sad piano music playing in my head when people have a bad memory… and I started bawling my eyes out everytime. I've began to take Hakkai or Goku with me whenever I go now, just so I have a way back home. I used to have to stay the night in the temple just because I couldn't drive back home.
It was hard for me to get back into the dating scene after Sanzo's death because for the longest time I felt the deepest guilt a person could feel. Hakkai consoled me and we became very close, eventually developing into a relationship.
Hakkai and I still have to help Goku often. He wakes up in the middle of the night screaming for Sanzo. It's understandable because he and Sanzo were very close. Goku had always had a strong connection with my Sanzo because of what Sanzo did for him. My Sanzo saved someone's life.
And he never thought he amounted to anything. I never have and never will understand….
"Gojyo…" Hakkai cuts off my thoughts, placing his hands firmly on my shoulders and bending down to speak softly into my ear.
"Huh? Oh… sorry Hakkai, were you saying something?"
"No… just wanted to know what you were doing…"
"I'm just thinking, 'Kai. Is there something you needed?"
"Well, Goku's awake again… I can't seem to calm him down this time. I think he needs someone to hold him like Sanzo did when he was upset… but I'm not aware of how that is… are you?"
"Yeah… I know what to do, 'Kai." I stand up and walk into Goku's room, then sit next to him on his bed. "Hey, kiddo…. You doing okay?"
He rolls over and looks me in the eyes. "Why, Gojyo? Why would someone do that to themselves?"
I sigh and lay down next to him, pulling him on top of me, his head resting softly on my chest. "I can't tell you that, Goku… sometimes people just do things out of impulse because they can't think of any other way to solve their problems… but I can't tell you why Sanzo did that. Just relax and listen to my heart, okay?"
The small boy silently cried himself to sleep on my chest and I slowly rolled him back into his bed, covering him with his blanket tightly. It's cold tonight. I walked back into mine and Hakkai's room and found him reading a book, as usual. I smile toward him and climb into bed. He puts his book down and kissed my cheek. "You okay?"
"I'm fine, 'Kai. I'm just thinking about something Sanzo once said."
"What's that?"
"Jamais, moins de en aucun cas, laisser la les tu amour glissa aller."
He laughs and snuggles in closer to me. "And that means?"
"Never, under any circumstances, let the ones you love slip away."