Disclaimer: The Ring belongs to me, yesss preciousssssssssss…All right, all right! The Ring isn't mine. Just the plot.
A/N: It's extremely fun to listen to Lord of the Rings on audiotape. Aside from Tom Bombadil, of course, because the reader can't sing so all the infinite number of songs sound alike. But I have time to think of very odd things while the reading is going on, including this very odd little story. I hope you like it.
A Simple Solution
"You mean that it must be destroyed?" Frodo asked, aghast at the prospect. It was evil, he knew that, but it was so precious…
"Yes, Frodo," Gandalf said heavily. His eyebrows drew closer together than ever as he stared into the fire. "The Ring must be destroyed at all costs. The only way is to take it to Orodruin and hurl it into the Cracks of Doom, where it was forged. This will be no easy task for whoever undertakes it." He looked piercingly at Frodo. "I warn you now that this task may fall to you," he said solemnly. "Are you ready to undertake such a course, if need be?"
Frodo paused. "But why, Gandalf? I must confess that I don't understand. The main thing is to keep it out of Sauron's hands, isn't it? I mean, it would be nice to be rid of it once and for all, but realistically speaking, it would be best to put it in a place where the Dark Lord can never get at it."
"Do you have a suggestion?" Gandalf demanded sharply, leaning forward and nearly spilling his cup of tea. "What is it? Quick!"
"Well," Frodo said slowly, "as it happens, I have just the thing. It's perfect, really. Sauron will never get to the Ring if my plan works out." A small, slightly malicious smile played at the corners of his mouth.
Gandalf looked at him sharply. "Tell me more about this, Frodo. I trust you, but I must know all the details before you risk the whole of Middle-earth on a plan like this. What are you planning to do with the Ring?"
Frodo smiled again and shook his head. "Well, if you must know—" He beckoned for the wizard to come closer. Gandalf did so, and Frodo stood on his tiptoes and whispered into his ear for a few seconds.
Stepping back a little, Gandalf grinned at Frodo. "Do you know, Frodo," he said. "I think you have something there."
"'Course I do," Frodo replied. "Now, just trust me. I'll take care of everything." The pair grinned wickedly.
*****
The next morning, Frodo lost no time in drafting a short note and recopying it in his best handwriting. It was good to make a favorable impression, especially with a message like this.
My dearest Lobelia:
Been poking around Bag End. Found some more of Bilbo's old stuff. Thought you might be interested. Do come have a look.
~Frodo
He looked at it and sighed, a small happy sigh. "Frodo, me lad," he said to himself, "you're a genius, that's what you are. Sheer genius." Whistling, he put on his favorite hat and set off for the post office.
*****
Lobelia was excited. "Lotho!" she shrieked. "Come have a look at this! What do you think has happened?"
"You've gone round the bend, you old hag, that's what's happened," Lotho muttered, but he obeyed orders and came to see what she'd found now. If it was another silver spoon, he was going to crack.
"Cousin Frodo's done something right at last!" his mother crowed. Lotho hurried to her side. This was news indeed!
He read the short note over her shoulder. " 'Do come have a look'," Lobelia cackled. "That looks like an invitation if I ever saw one. Don't you think so, Lotho?"
"Oh, indubitably," Lotho said with a predatory smile. "We'd better hurry on over before he changes his mind." Mother and son ran from the room with matching piggish, greedy expressions on their piggish, greedy faces.
*****
"Ah, Lobelia," Frodo said cheerfully, leaning back in his chair. "May I offer you some tea?" He hoped his unusual courtesy wouldn't make her suspicious. It would be disastrous if his plan failed this late in the game!
Lobelia smiled at him, her gaze darting around the room, looking for her promised treasures. Or assorted things she could steal when his back was turned. Frodo made a mental note not to turn his back.
"Oh, yes, tea. I'd love some tea," she answered, still obviously occupied with scouting out the room. No doubt she and Lotho had a secret system of hand signals that they could use to point out possible acquisitions to each other. Frodo didn't like the way Lotho was trying to edge around the room out of his line of sight.
He turned slightly, making sure to keep an eye on Lobelia. "You too, Lotho?" he asked politely.
Lotho looked up guiltily, snatching his hand out of Frodo's favorite candy jar and palming a handful of sweets. "Of course." Frodo gave the jar a significant look and Lotho blushed.
Once Frodo had managed to pour the tea while keeping both of his relatives in sight, they sat down and drank—or, in Lotho's case, slurped—without speaking for a minute. At length Frodo drained his cup and set it down on his desk. "So," he began happily, just barely refraining from rubbing his hands together. "To business."
"Yes, business," Lobelia echoed eagerly. "You mentioned some things of interest to me. What are they?" She leaned forward expectantly.
Frodo grinned. "Only one thing, actually, but I think you'll be very pleased. It's extremely valuable. Old family heirloom, I believe." Little white lies could be forgiven in this situation, he felt. After all, it did qualify for some sort of heirloom status…
"What is it?" Lobelia could no longer contain her greed. "Tell me! Give it to me!"
"Patience, my dear cousin," Frodo said genially. "I have it right here in this envelope." He pushed said envelope across the desk toward her, and she snatched it up eagerly. "Pure gold, it is," he said proudly. "One-of-a-kind, I guarantee you."
Ripping open the envelope, Lobelia shook out the contents and stared at—
—a small gold ring. "What?" she screeched. "This? Just one ring?"
"The One Ring," Frodo muttered, but fortunately Lobelia didn't hear him. She was now too busy ranting and raving.
"I take the time out of my busy schedule to come down to Bag End and this is the extremely valuable old family heirloom I get in return?" she fumed. "This is ridiculous!"
Lotho hurried to her side. "Mother!" he hissed in a clearly audible whisper. "He said it was pure gold. It's even better than silver spoons!"
This percolated for a minute. "Ah." Lobelia's face returned to its normal color. "Yes. I see. Well, it was a bit of a disappointment. Still, better than nothing, I suppose."
"Yes, yes," Frodo said eagerly. "That's the way to think about it now. Remember, it's a very old family treasure." He crossed his fingers under the desk. He was almost home free…
Lobelia stood up with an effort, leaning on her son's arm. "We'll be going, then," she announced pompously. She swept toward the door of Frodo's study, Lotho scrambling to keep up. Pausing at the door, she looked back. "And…thank you." She wrinkled her nose as if the very words were distasteful to her.
"Anytime," Frodo said innocently.
On the road outside, Lotho smiled at Lobelia. "Well, that went fairly well," he said. "I managed to grab seven toffees. See?" He reached into his pocket and produced some candies.
"And this heirloom…" Lobelia mused. "It's rather small, but it does look as though it could be worth quite a bit. And Pansy Proudfoot will just die of jealousy when she sees it!"
Stopping at the side of the road for a second, she opened the envelope and peered inside once more. She smiled, showing all her pointy teeth, and tucked it protectively into her coat pocket.
"It is rather precious, don't you think?" she asked Lotho.
A/N: Umm…that was extremely random. But I think it would have saved a lot of unnecessary trouble, bloodshed, etc. I mean, Sauron would never get his Ring back once Lobelia got hold of it! I can just see her coming out to meet the Ringwraiths with her hands on her hips and saying, "Well, you just run along back to Mordor and tell this Mr. Sauron that he may be the ultimate evil back where he comes from, but we do things differently around here." Except more rudely. Review, please! Review and I'll write more random stories! Muahahahahaha…