For Paty. I know it's taken forever and I've had some trouble with it. Remember, I haven't wrote XF in oh, God, forever. This will be my third XF one shot fic. I will delve deeper into your multi-chapter. I hope this one is okay. I usually don't write XF because I feel the show was and is too good to mess with in a moment of canon or fic wise. It was perfect just the way it was.
Reyes had been bold enough to say something about the day William was born last Friday. I shot her a look and she didn't say anything more. It had happened fast like the breaking of a glass. The mention of that day brought me to pieces quicker than anyone would ever know. It's Monday morning now and I'm pushing William in his stroller toward a coffee shop. Inside I sit down in front of a computer and look at William in his stroller beside me. I draw in a sharp breath and let out a shaky one as I turn back to the computer. Suddenly, memories start to assault my mind. I smile slightly and let them.
"He's My Baby! Mine! Please Don't Let Them Take Him!" I can clearly recall staring at the strangers in my room who had come to most likely take my son from me.
"Dana, you need to push. Dana..." Reyes was great, she remained calm and focused. Which is more than I could say, I was terrified.
When I look back on the day I had him it seems surreal, it was surreal. Though, while most would say the highlight of that dreamlike day, specifically, that night, was when I gave birth to our son in a remote cabin. I disagree. Even when people came to take him away, but following the unexpected theme of the day, decided at the last minute not to do so. My partner, Monica Reyes and I were left aghast at the way the strangers came to witness me give birth to my child. I didn't understand why they didn't take him, but I didn't question it. I had been told I would never be able to conceive and I had just given birth, birth to a miracle.
Though, while that moment was surreal It was not the peak of what I consider one of the most fantastic days of my life. No. Surreal was when my partner, the man I Iove, my constant, and the father of my child walked into my apartment bedroom. Yes, that was the most surreal part of my day.
The memories continued to assault my mind crashing over it like a tidal wave, I embraced them.
"How's everybody doing?" Mulder smiled at our son and me. He walked up to us almost cautious, yet he couldn't hold back the eagerness in his eyes. If only to reach us, touch us. He needed confirmation we were okay.
And we were now.
"We're doing just fine." I smiled as I got up, our son in my arms and met him halfway. He took our son immediately and I watched as he smiled in awe at our little boy.
"What are you going to call him?" Mulder drew his eyes away from our son's to look into mine. As I stared into his eyes I saw so much love and genuine interest in what I was going to say. He was eager to know what our child's name was going to be.
"William, after your father." I smiled as we looked into each other's eyes. Yes. That was a surreal moment, and the most surreal moment of my day.
We were now a family.
An unorthodox family at best, yet still a family. Standing in my bedroom the three of us were made up of a child born to a supposed barren mother, a father who had risen from the dead, and a mother who had never given up on a miracle.
I can clearly recall the way I felt my eyes meet his and my heart synchronize itself with fear, like tribal drumming in my chest. Immovable I spoke in a hushed whisper, "From the moment I became pregnant I feared the truth, about how and why…"
I suddenly pause as memories enter my mind and start to go off like rapid fire. While my heart is beating with incredible speed my past catches up to me once more.
"You kept me honest and made me a whole person."
"You're my one in five billion."
"Even when the world was falling apart you were my constant, my touchstone."
My rapid firing mind finally quiets itself enough to gather my thoughts once again and finish what I needed to say.
"…and I know that you feared it too."
I had admitted, in my own way, what I had wanted to for so long. That is scary and so I remained stoic as we stared at each other. My eyes hung on his as if begging for an answer to a question not yet asked. It was as if a silent inquiry was being made that had been made thousands of times before, the answer stuck in an unspoken ancient history.
I feared, for through the years many unspoken exchanges had been made, questions asked, answers received. But tongues were held and words were kept in where they settled under the skin.
He remained looking at William as he spoke, "I think what we feared were the possibilities." He paused to look from William into my eyes, "…the truth we both know."
"Which is what?"
I could only hear my heart beat pounding in my chest. For I knew what, I knew damn well what the possibility was. Suddenly another rapid fire memory hit me, a bullet to the heart.
"I love you."
I had rolled my eyes, "Oh brother."
Mulder was found in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. He had jumped off the ship he was on and almost died. I spoke with him a bit and then turned to leave the room so he could rest.
Though, I knew he meant that he said then, just as I do now. That is what the possibility was and is. That we loved each other and William was not conceived from a one night stand between Mulder and me in a moment I needed him for comfort and loneliness. I was told I was unable to conceive and that I would never have children. We never intended to sleep together, but we did.
That night tongues were held back and that scary L word was never said aloud. Mulder was correct on that surreal night William was born. We both feared the truth. To say the words aloud and speak up seemed irrational. It was too scary. What would happen if we finally acknowledged what had been unsaid for so long? Would there still be an us? I was a brave person, but when it came to matters of the heart I was petrified. Mulder was the only person I had ever truly let in and he knew how tiny and small I could feel. He knew when I needed him and I knew when he needed me.
So, when he leaned in and kissed me, our son in his arms all seemed right in the world. All of my unanswered questions suddenly became a blur and for once it was my heart that held all the clarity instead of my rational mind. And for the tiniest moment I didn't think as we kissed each other I only did. Yes. For the tiniest moment all was right in the world. We were not only happy, but together. That is why that moment; out of every unreal moment of the day that I gave birth to our son is the most surreal for me.
Though, like I said that is what I recall, it's just a memory now. I look to William in his stroller and smile. He has no idea his father has been missing for months now. I'm in a coffee shop sitting at a computer about to write Mulder. It was hard enough when he was missing and I was pregnant, but as I look at William I find myself trying to see any resemblance he and Mulder may share. Every time I look at William I see Mulder and that kills me.
I close my eyes momentarily, trying to bring myself back to reality and forget about the tiny moments that made me a mother. He made me happy and I remember again the night William was born and Mulder walked into my apartment. William stirs, yet my eyes remain closed as I hold back tears. I was so happy that night, we were happy. It's funny how everything I own seems to smell like Mulder even though he hasn't been around me for months.
I open my eyes and for the tiniest most glorious moment it was all untrue. I didn't have to contact Mulder on a computer in a coffee shop and hope nor hope it made it to him. I wasn't a single mother, raising a child, who unknown to me I would have to give up for adoption for his own protection. For in the tiniest moment Mulder was going to be walking through the coffee shop door to meet me and William. Though, sadly, I realize that is not the truth and while it's what I want more than anything. I can clearly recall words my partner had told me on a night that had changed my life.
"Never give up on a miracle, Scully."
I never did and I don't intend to this time. I inhale and start my letter to Mulder.