Student-Teacher Conference: The Half Day from Hell

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

The students of iCarly Elementary and Craig Bartlett Junior High are set to receive their teacher evaluations in a private conference, and each member of the group handles the upcoming event in their own way. Meanwhile, KG schemes to get Denise to become his girlfriend.

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 17

Airdate: March 18, 2018

"Student-Teacher Conference: The Half Day from Hell"

Special Guest Stars: Larisa Oleynik as Denise, Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax

#TYH617

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster and RK walk into the school one morning.

BUSTER: I just don't understand why they call coffee "Joe." What makes that name so special?

RK: Because, Buster, coffee appeals to the average Joe. It's the official drink of the working man. You live in Seattle and you're asking that question?

BUSTER: It's just such a boring name. Why can't they call it something more Biblical, like Joseph? Or something more fun like Joey?

RK: I don't drink coffee, but I sure as hell wouldn't want a cup of Joey in my mouth.

RK and Buster walk up to the guys who are all by their lockers.

SPARKY: Guys, it's that time of the year again.

RK: No, it's not. You're lying. Why are you doing this to me, man?!

JAYLYNN: He's right. It's coming.

BUSTER: Wait a minute. You guys aren't talking about what I think you are, right?

RK: They have to. There's no other option.

WADE: Am I the only one who's hopelessly confused right now?

SPARKY: The annual student-teacher conference is coming up.

WADE: Oh, that? You guys are worried about that?

JAYLYNN: You've been on the honor roll for 100 years, you have no idea what we're going through.

WADE: What? Of course I do. How could I not understand?

RK: Wade, can you seriously remember the last time you were freaking out over the student-teacher conference?

WADE: Well, let's see. I did slip a little bit back in first grade. I mean, science was kinda...

RK: Oh, shut up, you can't relate.

SPARKY: This is terrible. Buster, pretty soon, you're gonna have to start your countdown. We're all going to hell.

WADE: Okay, I understand these three, but why are you stressing, Sparky? Your grades are just as good as mine.

SPARKY: That's what you think. Every year, I walk into the conference thinking I'm going to get a perfect evaluation. Five stars from every class, and just when I'm about to pull it off, one or two teachers say I could do better. What more do I have to prove? I PUT MY ASS ON THE LINE!

WADE: Wow, that's...something to chew on.

BUSTER: This is doomsday. This is doomsday in ways no kid should have to deal with.

JAYLYNN: You know, I really wish this conference wasn't mandatory. I get way too nervous, man. My anxiety flares up like a bitch.

RK: I didn't know you had anxiety.

JAYLYNN: It checks in every once in a while. Back in Portland, it used to make me sweat in my sleep.

RK: Damn.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I've been through it, bro.

SPARKY: The only good thing about the student-teacher conference is that we get a half day.

BUSTER: Mmmmm, half days. It almost makes the pain and suffering worth it.

RK: The only thing that can top a half day is a field trip, and the only thing that can top that is no school at all. I guess in a way, it's like the lollipop the dentist gives you after they try killing you through your teeth.

JAYLYNN: We need to find something really fun to do for the half day.

SPARKY: Yeah, like we all just go to the park and stay there for the day.

BUSTER: Man, I wish baseball season could start a month early. Then we could all see a Mariners game.

RK: I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to be knee deep in March Madness. It's the perfect opportunity.

WADE: Hey, you think you could make extra room for me?

RK: Hell yeah. We could leave school early just in time for the opening tipoff.

WADE: Great. And as long as we make it in time for the conference, we'll be smooth sailing.

RK: Okay, I was pumped up about this before, but you're slowly tearing apart my enthusiasm and turning it into an insignificant pile of dust.

SCENE 2

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

KG is at his locker when Rodney and Trevor walk up to him.

RODNEY: Hey, KG, on the half day, a bunch of the guys are going over to Trevor's for a movie marathon. You in?

KG: Sorry, man, can't do. I want to hang with Denise that day.

TREVOR: Dude, stop playing games. Just sleep with her and be done with it.

KG: Trevor, no one's having sex.

TREVOR: Hey, did I say you have sex, or did I not say you have sex? Who knows?

KG: Rodney, I just want you to know this is gonna be a one-on-one conversation.

RODNEY: I understand.

KG: Look, Denise and I have been playing the hot and cold game for months. It's getting old, so I was gonna ask her if she wanted to be my girlfriend.

RODNEY: Wow. You're serious? You really want to start dating Denise?

KG: Yeah, why not? I like her, she likes me, we've already went out on a few dates. It's time for us to take the next step.

RODNEY: I can't believe it. Your first real girlfriend. You think she'll say yes?

KG: Oh, she'll have to. I'm going to turn my house into a palace of romance. Or at least, play some Demi Lovato to see if that gets her going.

TREVOR: Forget Demi Lovato. You need to play some Marvin Gaye or Luther Vandross or the Gap Band.

KG: What in the hell do you know about those artists?

TREVOR: You know my uncle Carl?

KG: Trevor, you always ask us that and then give us no further context.

TREVOR: Oh shit, I meant my uncle Greg. Carl's just some guy my dad knew who went to prison. He choked a guy to death.

KG: What about your uncle Greg, Trevor?

TREVOR: Well, he owns a record store. It's really old-timey, has all these artists that people used to care about. You should go over there and pick up some vinyls.

RODNEY: Wow. Trevor came up with a great idea.

KG: Yeah, I'm almost ready to call it genius.

TREVOR: So just to make sure, you're gonna bang her afterwards, right?

KG closes his locker with a bored expression on his face, and he leaves with a similarly bored Rodney while Trevor stands around completely unaware of what is happening.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

At lunch, RK pretends to choke himself, and then makes a motion with his fingers to "shoot" himself in the head while Wade watches.

WADE: I don't know if this is a cry for help, but you should never take therapy lightly.

RK: Relax, I'm just figuring out ways to get out of the student-teacher conference. How convincing would it be if I faked food poisoning?

WADE: Come on, man, you can't try to avoid the conference every year. Besides, you'll never top your fake terminal illness from last year.

RK: That's true. It was one of my classic moments. But I hate that conference. Just a bunch of teachers laying into me for ten minutes apiece about how I'm such a loser.

WADE: You know, RK, you could improve your work ethic in time for the conference. It won't boost your grades, but teachers will start seeing more potential in you.

RK: So it's like campaigning for a better evaluation?

WADE: If you want to put it that way, then yes. Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is.

RK: Of course you don't. You're the academic equivalent of first-world problems. When you get a B-minus, you lose your shit. If I got a B-minus, I would probably buy a yacht.

WADE: You don't have yacht money.

RK: It doesn't mean I'm not bold enough to try going after it!

WADE: Look, if you want to change the teachers' opinion of you, you have to start soon. Try turning off the TV and studying more. Take good notes in class. Watch Homework Hotline, I don't know.

RK: Dude, Homework Hotline faded into obscurity the same way Nick News with Linda Ellerbee did. Is that seriously the best suggestion you have?

WADE: See, all this time you spend on your couch, you could spend it with a damn number two in your hand.

SCENE 4

Greg's Quiet Storm Shop

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

KG walks into the record store owned by Trevor's uncle after school. As he makes his way inside, "Yearning for Your Love" by the Gap Band plays over the loudspeakers. He takes a look at some records and then turns around to see Trevor's uncle cleaning the cash register.

GREG: Hey, KG, what can I do for you?

KG: Wait, you know my name?

GREG: Yeah, my nephew Trevor sent me a picture of you and told me you were coming. So is it true you want to buy some vinyls for sexy time?

KG: Disregard whatever your nephew said I was coming here for.

GREG: Okay, so are you here to just browse?

KG: No, I'm here to buy records.

GREG: For sexy time?

KG: NO! No sexy time at all. Look, there's this girl at my school that I'm crazy about and I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I want to set the right mood.

GREG: Are you sure she's into you?

KG: Yeah, we've went out on a few dates and she thinks I'm one of the coolest people she knows.

GREG: That doesn't really mean much, kid. How many dates does she have per week?

KG: I...I don't know about her social...

GREG: Has she had boyfriends before? Does she call you in case one guy cancels and she needs a backup plan?

KG: No, she doesn't.

GREG: Have you ever suspected that she might be carrying an STD?

KG: Dude, we're in the eighth grade!

GREG: You never know with some girls. My sister lost her virginity around this time and then graduated to stripping. Yeah, she's making money, but she was at least good enough for community college.

KG: Sir, all this time you spend talking to me about people I'll never meet in this lifetime is time you could spend recommending me some romantic albums.

GREG: Hey, don't try to get hostile with me. You're the one who came here needing records for sexy time.

KG: I WILL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, STOP PLAYING WITH ME!

GREG: Alright, alright, let's see what we got here. Now, if you're in the romantic mood, you should definitely go with some Marvin Gaye. Quintessential R&B music, that girl will melt in your hands the minute "Let's Get It On" starts playing.

KG: So, just Marvin?

GREG: Oh no, not just Marvin. You hear this song playing?

KG: Yeah, what about it?

GREG: That's the Gap Band. It's called "Yearning for Your Love." See, it's about a man whose heart desires the love and affection of his lady friend. Kinda like you.

KG: Wow, how relatable. What else you got?

GREG: Well, there's "The Lady in My Life" by Michael Jackson which is an excellent song. Um, "No Ordinary Love" by Sade, "Breakin' My Heart" by Mint Condition. Are you looking for albums or just songs?

KG: I don't know. Whatever I can fit on a playlist.

GREG: Ugh, you damn millenials. Okay, why don't I just write you a playlist of songs and you can do your little iTunes streaming Spotify crap and you can make it?

KG: Okay, cool.

GREG: But you know, if you really like this girl, you could just ask her to be your girlfriend without all the extra work.

KG: Greg, have you ever heard of a grand gesture?

GREG: Yeah.

KG: Then for someone your age, this shouldn't be a problem.

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

After school, Sparky, Buster, and RK are watching TV together.

SPARKY: RK, I thought you said that you were going to be doing your homework.

RK: What? I never told you that. Are you stalking me? Show me your wire.

SPARKY: No, I just heard it from Wade. He said that you were trying to impress teachers in a desperate attempt to gain their favor before the open house.

RK: It's not nearly as pathetic as it sounds.

BUSTER: You know which up and coming pop artist has a real cutting-edge sound? Dua Lipa. I'm telling you, she has big things for her coming up.

SPARKY: Um, okay? But RK, I'm a little impressed. This doesn't sound like you.

RK: Hey, this is an RK Jennings signature moment. It's just a way for me to not be seen as such a loser.

SPARKY: Well, don't you think...you should go and start doing that?

RK: Eh, maybe later. I have time.

BUSTER: You know, 2018 is Dua Lipa's time. I mean, she just has such a magnetic energy and unbelievable stage presence.

SPARKY: Buster, did you join Dua Lipa's street team?

BUSTER: What? A street team? Why would you assume I have an ulterior motive for talking about one of the most inspiring young artists alive today?

SPARKY: Because you said the exact same thing when you joined Tori Kelly's street team.

BUSTER: Look, they already paid me the hundred bucks. If I don't promote Dua, they'll kill me.

SPARKY: Really?

BUSTER: No, but they're gonna do something to me. They just didn't tell me.

RK: You know what? You guys have your own thing going on, so I'm headed home.

SPARKY: Alright, see you later.

RK leaves the house.

SPARKY: So, this Dua Lipa chick...what are some of her hits?

BUSTER: I actually don't know any of her songs.

Sparky gives Buster a bored look, and then shakes his head as the two continue watching the TV.

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is at his couch with his school books, and almost reaches for the remote, but decides against it and slaps the back of his right hand with his left hand.

RK: No, RK. Bad boy, RK. You're going to sit here, do your work in peace, and try to save face before that conference, RK. And you're going to stop reprimanding yourself in the third person like a weirdo, RK. Okay, RK.

At that point, KG walks in whistling "Candy Girl" by New Edition.

RK: Dude, are you kidding me? I'm trying to study, this is no time for you to be whistling old-school R&B tunes.

KG: Look, bro, this is all part of something much bigger that I have planned. When you're in love, you'll understand.

RK: But I am in love.

KG: Wait, really? Wouldn't kill you to show it once in a while.

RK: So where is this conversation headed exactly?

KG: Well, you know, the student-teacher conference is coming up.

RK: And you're trying to toss a subliminal or two my way?

KG: What? Anyway, since all Seattle public schools get a half day that day, I was going to take Denise out on a romantic date, make her feel special, and ask her to be my girlfriend.

RK: And then what?

KG: What do you mean? That's it.

RK: That's what you're so excited about? Asking a girl out when you don't even know if she feels the same way? Come on, KG, that's hustling backwards.

KG: Dude, I like Denise, and Denise likes me. It's not going to be that hard. You're just too young to get it.

RK: I already have a girlfriend. And as of this conversation at this particular moment, you don't, so what are we really talking about here?

KG: Look, the bottom line is, this is big. Denise is the first girl I ever really cared about. If I don't take my shot now, I never will.

RK: I wish I could be more like you. Right now, I'm just trying to become a better student so when the conference comes, the best thing I hear all night won't be, "You have a unique personality."

KG: Well, good for you. I always thought you could get better grades if you actually did the work. I'm sick of beating you every time I see your report card.

RK: Yeah, but I've gotten used to it. I just don't know if I can make this work. I've made a living on being an underachiever and just getting by. I don't know if I can flip the switch like that.

KG: Man, you have to have more faith in yourself. I mean, did you really think, being who you are, you would get a girl like Anna?

RK: The hell is that supposed to mean?

KG: Dude, you're punching above your weight class with her. We both know that, it just doesn't have to be said a whole lot. Anyway, you got Anna because of who you are. You believed you were good enough to get a girl out of your league, and you did. If you don't believe you're a killer, you'll never be a killer.

RK: I can be a killer. I'm the most dangerous killer in the Northwest.

KG: Then prove it. If you believe you're good enough to be Wade, then you'll end up being Wade.

RK: Hmmm. Alright, thanks, bro. I'll remember that.

KG: I love how my brotherly wisdom is finally getting through to you.

RK: It sure is. Who knows? Maybe I can be better than Wade.

KG: Again, punching above your weight class thinking like that.

SCENE 7

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

At school, KG is sharing his upcoming plans with Rodney and Trevor as they stand by their lockers.

RODNEY: Okay, so how's the whole thing going down?

KG: Alright, boys, this is the plan. I ask Denise out for the student-teacher conference, she says yes. On said conference day, we both get our evaluations in the afternoon. Then we both head home and spend the rest of the day together. I play the R&B jams, then I ask her to be my girlfriend. She says yes, I'm happy, and that's how you destroy an entire day.

TREVOR: Did my uncle Greg send you the playlist?

KG: Yup. It's all here on my phone. All I have to do is go set up the songs and I'll be ready to go.

Rodney and Trevor look at the list of songs that Trevor's uncle recommended.

RODNEY: Wow, all of these songs sound ancient as hell. "Say, Say, Say" by Alicia Myers? "Keep on Lovin' You" by REO Speedwagon? What's next, you're going to wear a letterman's jacket and take Denise to see a drive-in movie?

KG: Look, just because that was the first thing you tried to win Beth's heart with, doesn't mean I have to do it.

RODNEY: That was a learning experience. You know that.

TREVOR: Wait, he put "Ebony Eyes" on there?

KG: Yeah, I guess he did. Sounds interesting.

TREVOR: But that doesn't make any sense. You and Denise are white.

KG: Trevor, most people in America are white. I don't see where you're going with this.

TREVOR: KG, racism and cultural appropriation are nothing to laugh at. Don't put that song on your playlist, it wasn't meant for us.

KG: Okay, okay, damn.

KG sees Denise at her locker.

KG: Cool, Denise is here. Time to put my plan into action.

KG walks over to Denise.

RODNEY: Look, Trevor, I know The Root is one of your favorite websites now, but not everything is racist.

TREVOR: That song was meant to be listened to the way Smokey and Rick intended.

Cut to KG and Denise.

KG: So I was thinking you and me get together the night of the open house and just chill at my place.

DENISE: Really? Won't your brother be home?

KG: RK's always been mature for his age. Besides, knowing him, he'll probably be out selling candy with Jaylynn or having sword fights with TV writers or whatever the hell he and his friends do.

DENISE: Well, I would love to go out with you, but I can't that day.

KG: Can't? Denise, can't is a really strong thing to say. You should only use it if you mean it.

DENISE: I do mean it. I volunteered to be a teacher's assistant that night. You know, making sure kids sign in, cleaning the whiteboard.

KG: Yeah, I know, I did that last year, but are you serious right now? This is a disaster.

DENISE: Not really. We can always go out the next day.

KG: Yeah, but I had it planned for that day. Besides, anything can happen. You'll get food poisoning and then I'll be like, "See, that's why we should have went out the night before."

DENISE: You're too silly. I'll talk to you later, though.

KG: Yeah, it's been real, I guess.

KG sighs and walks back to the boys.

KG: Well, this is a nightmare.

RODNEY: What, she said no?

KG: Yeah. Apparently, she signed up to be a teacher's assistant for the night conference. Now, I'm gonna have to change plans.

TREVOR: She probably heard about you using "Ebony Eyes" and this is her way of lying to you.

KG: Trevor, no one cares about this but you.

TREVOR: Oh, don't silence me. You're probably going to call me a race baiter next. I know you are, I can taste it.

SCENE 8

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

That same morning, Buster and Jaylynn are at their lockers. Buster is trying to hand Jaylynn an unidentified object.

BUSTER: Look, it's not even 50 minutes long. I think there's even a track with Frank Ocean on here, I'm guessing.

JAYLYNN: Buster, for the last time, I don't want a Dua Lipa CD.

BUSTER: You're going to be one of the last people to say that.

At that point, RK walks up to them. His eyes are widened and his arms look visibly stiff.

JAYLYNN: What's up, Jennings? You look like you had your innocence taken away.

RK: I did. I decided to start working harder in school so this year's student-teacher conference won't be so bad.

JAYLYNN: Why?

RK: Well, you know how for Christmas, you want the hottest toy that everyone's been talking about, but you've been such a little shit that your parents don't wanna buy it? So you decide to be good around the house all because you want the stupid toy?

JAYLYNN: Yeah?

RK: Well, this student-teacher conference is like a very f***ed up Christmas for me. I'm politicking in a way. Gotta get those endorsements for...

JAYLYNN: I get it.

RK: Yeah.

JAYLYNN: So is this like all the other times you said you would start doing more schoolwork?

RK: No, in fact, I actually managed to do my science homework and even read a chapter of our history book.

BUSTER: Really?

RK: Yeah. I mean, I had to shower afterwards and it almost left me psychologically scarred, but I still did it.

BUSTER: You know who else knows how to rise above adversity like you did?

RK: Buster, I don't give a shit about Dua Lipa. Sounds like some Japanese massage technique.

BUSTER: I was actually going to say John Cena, but sure, act like you got one over me.

JAYLYNN: Well, good luck, RK. Maybe this time, you'll actually learn something and not forget about it the next week.

RK: Hey, at least I'm trying to make this conference a good one. What are you doing?

JAYLYNN: Don't worry about me. I'm going to get out of this conference with flying colors.

RK: How?

JAYLYNN: Ugh, if I tell you, then it won't really mean anything, right? Like, hello?

Beat.

RK: You got nothing.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm done for.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

KG is drinking a can of Pepsi and then throws it on the floor, which is already covered in empty Pepsi cans. RK walks in from school and sees the mess.

RK: You know, I just bought those Pepsi cans a couple days ago. What a waste, man.

KG: Go away. If I want to kill myself with the sweet powers of corn syrup, then so be it.

RK: I don't get what the meaning of this is.

KG: I was about to seal the deal with Denise and ask her out. But she's working as a teacher's assistant for the conference. Now my plan's ruined.

RK: You do realize that you could just go out with her the next day, right?

KG: Dude, my plan was to go out with her that night. I don't wanna put this off anymore. If I do, I'm going to regret it.

RK: Look, maybe Denise will back out and you'll get to see her.

KG: Yeah, maybe. And maybe Tiger Woods will win another major and Hollywood will stop bringing back shows that weren't even that good to begin with.

RK: Man, this is such a loser way to think. Denise doesn't want to be with a guy that whines and pouts and gives himself diabetes. She wants someone with confidence. Someone that can make things happen.

KG: Well, what am I supposed to do?

RK: Be a killer like you wanted me to. Take action, think creative. Something to grab Denise's attention.

KG: You really think I can make this work?

RK: Of course you can. You're my big brother. If you can't make it work, no one can.

KG: Really? Thanks, man.

RK: No problem. You better bring home a girlfriend next week. Go big or go home.

KG: But I'm going home either way.

RK: Dude, shut up. Just do what you're supposed to do.

SCENE 10

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Mr. Shure's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

KG is at the desk of his science teacher Mr. Shure.

MR. SHURE: So you want to help me during the student-teacher conference?

KG: Yes. You have to give me the shot. I beg you, I plead with you, I implore you to let me do this.

MR. SHURE: KG, please, calm down. I mean, you're changing more than the San Andreas Fault.

Beat.

MR. SHURE: You know, because the San Andreas Fault is a transform fault.

Beat.

MR. SHURE: So you're gonna come here afternoon or evening?

SCENE 11

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

KG is talking to Rodney and Trevor at lunch.

TREVOR: Rodney, I really miss Sonny with a Chance.

RODNEY: I know. You said that two minutes ago.

KG: And you just interrupted me while I was talking.

TREVOR: Oh, hey KG, how are you doing today?

KG turns towards Rodney.

RODNEY: One-on-one?

KG: Yeah. So I just talked to Mr. Shure and he said that I could also be a teacher's assistant for the conference.

RODNEY: Wait, you're going to get your first girlfriend at the student-teacher conference? Dude, that's so tacky.

KG: Well, there's nothing else I can do. Besides, my brother told me to take action and go after the things I want, so it's no holds barred.

RODNEY: RK? Isn't he the same guy that once had a copy of Gym Teacher: The Movie in his bathroom?

KG: Dude, no one told you to go inside my brother's medicine cabinet.

RODNEY: Look, Denise wanted that assistant job for extra credit. If you come in there trying to put the moves on her, you'll make her look bad.

KG: Don't you want me to be happy heading into high school?

RODNEY: Obviously, man, but you have to strategize. You have to figure out how to get Denise's attention without acting like an idiot.

KG: You're right. What I need to do is take a page from my little bro's playbook. It's time for a KG Jennings signature moment.

RODNEY: So you're sure you want to do this?

KG: Hell yeah, I'm sure.

TREVOR: Wait, you're Mr. Shure now?

KG: No, I said that I'm sure.

TREVOR: Yeah, you're Mr. Shure.

RODNEY: Dude, he's saying that he's certain.

TREVOR: So why would he say Mr. Shure?

KG: I'm not Mr. Shure, I'm just sure.

TREVOR: Wait, why do they call him Mr. Shure anyway?

RODNEY: Because that's his name, dumbass.

TREVOR: You're way too mean to me.

RODNEY: And you're way too stupid to us.

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

On the night of the student-teacher conference, KG is dressed in black pants and a long-sleeved white shirt. He then sprays some cologne on himself and puts breath freshener in his mouth. RK comes downstairs and watches KG while he does this.

RK: Dude, it's a student-teacher conference, not the prom. Calm down.

KG: I can't calm down. This is my chance to get Denise Fletcher as my girlfriend. After tonight, I can say that Denise Fletcher is my girlfriend.

RK: What, is Denise the most popular girl in school or something?

KG: No, she's more like, top 25, but that still holds weight in my school.

RK: Well, I'm gonna go meet the guys. We all decided to go get our evaluations together.

KG: Did you try being a killer like I told you?

RK: Yeah, a little bit. I mean, I've been trying to do more assignments, but I'm still thinking that nothing's going to change tonight.

KG: Well, hang in there. At least one teacher has to see your potential.

RK: You know, I kinda wish I had someone like you as my teacher. Someone to push me forward and motivate me.

KG: Honestly, I wouldn't do any of that. I mean, I would in the beginning, but the school system would traumatize me to the point where I would have to psychologically and spiritually break down kids like you.

RK: Oh.

KG: Yeah, I wouldn't feel like I'm good if the students don't hate me.

SCENE 13

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

KG walks into the school and meets up with Rodney and Trevor.

KG: Alright, guys, it's the moment of truth. You got everything planned?

TREVOR: Yup. I distract Mr. Shure with an unsolvable riddle, then I go in for the kill.

KG: How come you never pay attention at the meetings?

RODNEY: Alright, so what me and Trevor will do is double-team Denise and isolate her so you can make your move.

KG: Alright. I'll make sure the kids sign in, then once you guys do your stuff, I'll set her aside and pop the question.

TREVOR: Do you need a ring?

KG: What?

TREVOR: I mean, this is a commitment. You want Denise to know you're the big daddy. You need a big daddy ring. Here's your jewelry, player.

Trevor hands KG a Ring Pop.

KG: Trevor, this is a Ring Pop.

TREVOR: Hey, at the end of the day, you're still coming with something to seal the deal. Plus, Denise loves candy.

KG: That's true. And it's cherry-flavored too. Cherry's her favorite.

TREVOR: Actually, that's strawberry. Not many people know the difference between the two.

RODNEY: Okay, can we get on with this? I want to be the first to go to Mrs. Johnson so she doesn't spend most of her time screaming at me.

KG: Yeah, let's do this.

Beat.

KG: Hey, you guys ever noticed our lockers are red? The hell's up with that?

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The kids are at their lockers with visible nervousness. Wade is noticeably absent.

RK: Okay, so who's going to Mrs. Bernstein first?

BUSTER: I think I should go first.

JAYLYNN: Man, that's only because of the lollipops she has in there. You want first crack. Well, you can't get first crack, you son of a bitch!

SPARKY: Jaylynn, calm down.

BUSTER: No, it's okay, Sparky. She figured it out. Now it's time for her to catch this beatdown.

Wade walks towards the guys.

SPARKY: So what's your next class, Wade?

WADE: What are you talking about? I'm done.

JAYLYNN: You're done after only ten minutes?

WADE: Yeah, it was nothing but good things. Except one teacher asked me why I had the audacity to waste her time by coming here.

SPARKY: Well, guys, it's time for us to step up and get things done.

BUSTER: Can we get pizza after we're done here?

SPARKY: No, we can get fried chicken.

BUSTER: But I don't want that.

WADE: How about we get pizza if everyone does well, and we get Chinese if everyone does bad?

BUSTER: What if it's in the middle?

JAYLYNN: Fried Oreos.

RK: Yeah, I think that's an appropriate punishment.

SCENE 15

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Mr. Shure's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

Denise is looking at her clipboard while KG writes down "Welcome Students" on the whiteboard.

MR. SHURE: You know, I'm a really lucky teacher to have two assistants. You know what they say. Many hands make light work.

KG: I've never heard anybody say that in my entire life.

DENISE: Yeah, me neither.

MR. SHURE: Look, it was the 1980s and we were just trying to be optimistic with all the crack surrounding us. Now, it's time to get these little conferences started. Oh, I almost forgot the donuts.

Mr. Shure runs out of the classroom to get the donuts while KG walks around whistling.

KG: Isn't this great, Denise? You and me working side by side?

DENISE: Yeah, this is gonna be a lot of fun.

KG: It will. Because, you know, Denise, I look at you as a really good friend. Someone I can talk to whenever I need anything, someone that knows me. Someone I know. And we just know each other the way people are meant to be known.

DENISE: That's really sweet, KG. But could I ask you something?

KG: Of course. I'm like an open book, Denise. Ask any question and you'll get a quality answer every time.

DENISE: Why did you volunteer to help out Mr. Shure tonight?

KG: Although, in some cases, my policy is subject to change. See, the thing is, I love science, man. The way Mr. Shure teaches really hits the spot. You know, how he talks about theories and the elements and the way the continents collide. It just speaks to me.

DENISE: Oh, please, you're here for me. I see it in your eyes.

KG: Well, maybe you need some glasses, because your eyesight's jacked.

DENISE: Look, KG, I always thought you were cute, but I don't want anything to happen tonight. If I let Mr. Shure down, he's never gonna trust me again.

KG: You always thought I was cute?

DENISE: Yes. I thought you knew that. We've went out before.

KG: Yeah, but...

MR. SHURE: Okay, I got the donuts. I'm glad it's so easy for Americans to give themselves diabetes.

DENISE: KG, just to keep it simple, no hanky panky.

KG: Gotcha.

KG gives Denise a thumbs-up, and she gives it back to him. KG then turns around and faces the whiteboard.

KG: What the f*** did she just say to me?

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The kids are waiting outside Mrs. Bernstein's room, with RK absent.

SPARKY: I hope RK's doing okay in there.

WADE: I don't know if doing a week's worth of work will be enough to turn things around.

JAYLYNN: So why did you give him that idea?

WADE: I was trying to boost his confidence! What did you do to help?

JAYLYNN: Nothing.

WADE: Well, then I guess we're even right now.

SPARKY: Hey Buster, what happened to all that Dua Lipa stuff you were doing?

BUSTER: The guys who hired me were arrested for selling stolen CDs. Turns out Dua's label never hired a street team, but they let me go for being a stupid punk-ass kid.

JAYLYNN: Well, it's not like it was leading to anything. Nobody knows who Dua Lipa is anyway.

BUSTER: Yeah, but in a year, she might be the biggest star on the planet. I might have missed out on a legendary movement.

SPARKY: You said the same thing after you were paid for the Tori Kelly stuff.

BUSTER: I don't have to be reminded of everything, bro.

RK walks out of the classroom.

RK: Well, another year, another shitty student-teacher conference. Next year, I'm just going to pretend I have a flesh-eating bacteria.

JAYLYNN: It was that bad?

RK: Take a guess as to what the best thing I heard was during the conference.

BUSTER: You...you have amazing teeth?

RK: I wish. She said I have improving participation. It's time to put the cherry on top with Mr. Frax. One of you guys take the next crack.

RK walks away from the guys.

SPARKY: You know, as much as RK hates school, he would probably give anything to be more like you, Wade.

WADE: I know. That's what makes it depressing.

Beat.

JAYLYNN: I still have the best teeth in the group, right, Buster?

SCENE 17

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Mr. Shure's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

KG leaves the room and pokes his head through the door.

KG: Um, Rachel Kushell? Rachel Kushell is next up?

RACHEL: That's me. Hey, do you know if there are any donuts left?

KG: I wouldn't know. Do I look like Voodoo Doughnut?

RACHEL: No.

KG: Yeah, I don't. Because that's all the way in Portland. My brother's friend comes from there, you wanna ask her?

RACHEL: I'm gonna go in now.

KG: Yes, please, do it.

Rachel walks in and KG shakes his head when Rodney runs up to him.

RODNEY: KG, will you stop acting like a psycho?

KG: Me? Denise is the psycho here. Talking about her not wanting any hanky panky knowing good and damn well I have no idea what that means.

RODNEY: She doesn't want any kissing and stuff. Trust me, I've been down that road with Beth. It always ends with getting smacked in the back of your head.

KG: Okay, so is that the reason why you and Trevor went ghost? I have to tell Denise how I feel, how come you guys haven't found an opening yet?

RODNEY: We're working on it. Trevor's trying to figure out a way to get Denise out of the classroom so she can meet up with you.

KG: You left Trevor alone by himself? Planning something?

RODNEY: Look, he's an idiot savant, there's at least a 50% chance he'll do something right.

KG: I don't like those odds, Roddy.

Trevor runs towards the guys.

TREVOR: So, KG, you seal the deal yet?

KG: No. Because I'm still here and you guys haven't put in your plan.

TREVOR: Well, it's not my fault. Rodney wanted to lead, but I said, "Hey. I have a brain. I have thoughts. Why can't I contribute?"

KG: Okay, Trevor, what are you thinking right now?

TREVOR: Well, I just send a text to Denise saying that the principal is looking for her. Then Rodney can shove her into the boiler room where you'll be waiting for her. Then you talk to her, let her know who the big daddy is, and that's that.

KG: Okay, cool. But wait, we should switch it to the janitor's closet.

TREVOR: The janitor's closet? Dude, no one's ever gotten freaky in the janitor's closet.

KG: NO ONE'S GETTING FREAKY TONIGHT!

TREVOR: Well, is that my problem or yours?

RODNEY: You know what? You'll figure it out later. Let's just get the plan in motion.

KG: Alright.

Beat.

KG: Well, go.

Rodney and Trevor run away while KG shakes his head.

SCENE 18

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is at Mr. Frax's desk looking around and playing with his hands.

MR. FRAX: Is there anything you want to talk about, RK?

RK: Well, is there going to be a part where you tell me that my grades in your class aren't good enough to get me cable?

MR. FRAX: No, of course not.

RK: Right, that's what Mr. Robertson used to say to kids. I still can't believe he's gone.

MR. FRAX: Mr. Robertson only retired. He's not dead.

RK: Really? I heard the rumors. The school might be hiding something.

MR. FRAX: Look, RK, let's just cut to the chase here. In all the years I've been teaching here, you've become one of my most interesting students. Not many kids think like you or go through life looking at things the way you do. That's something you should be proud of.

RK: I guess so. Teachers say that sometimes.

MR. FRAX: With that being said, all these qualities don't mean anything if you're unwilling to apply them. You have a chance to turn around if you just committed yourself to the work.

RK: But that's just it. I hate homework. I used to think I was allergic to it, but then the doctor said it was just part of some nervous breakdown.

MR. FRAX: But why do you hate homework? What makes it so hard for you to embrace school?

RK: I don't know. Maybe it all started in first grade. I had this awful English teacher, Mrs. Spinerman. She was the worst. She gave us assignment after assignment, constantly yelled at us if we did things wrong. After I had her as a teacher, I started wondering what the point was in doing all this work if it meant nothing. But I was always like that so I think she just made me hate this death trap even more.

MR. FRAX: I see. Well, RK, I don't want what happened in the past to keep you from realizing your full potential. You have everything you need to be a great student. All it takes is some discipline.

RK: Thanks, Mr. Frax, but I don't think it matters at this point. I was born to be an underachiever. Why struggle with it when it was my God-given ability to settle for just enough?

MR. FRAX: Wade doesn't think so. He seems to think you have unlimited potential.

RK: Man, he only said that because he's a fan of my work.

MR. FRAX: I don't think someone willing to call you the smartest person they know is just "saying that."

RK: Wait, Wade thinks I'm the smartest person he knows?

MR. FRAX: That's what he told me. He always talks about how much he admires you in private.

RK: Well, he never said that to me. What, he can't spill his guts out to me? I could have used this motivation.

MR. FRAX: Well, you should talk to him about it. If Wade hasn't given up on you yet, why should you?

RK: You know what? That's a good point, Frax. I guess this student-teacher conference wasn't a total failure.

SCENE 19

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

KG crosses out someone's name on his list when he suddenly walks away and runs into the janitor's closet.

TREVOR: I still think he should've took her to the boiler room.

RODNEY: Dude, let it go.

TREVOR: But that's where I took my first girlfriend.

RODNEY: Who was using you to get back at her ex.

TREVOR: I still had fun.

DENISE: Hey guys.

TREVOR: Your mama.

DENISE: What?

Trevor opens the door and Rodney tosses Denise inside the closet. Trevor then locks the door.

DENISE: Rodney, Trevor, let me out! What the hell are you two doing?!

KG: Hey Denise.

Denise turns around to see KG waiting for her.

DENISE: KG, was this your idea?!

KG: No, it was Trevor's. But I did want to get you alone so I could talk to you. In hindsight, I could have used a way less disturbing plan.

DENISE: You think? This is some Elliot Rodger shit. Besides, I thought I told you, no hanky panky!

KG: Denise, no one our age talks like that. Work with me here.

DENISE: I just can't believe you would want me locked in a closet. What's your problem, man?!

KG: You're my problem.

DENISE: What did I do?

KG: You know what you did. You and your beautiful skin and your Hollywood smile and nice perfume and ability to see through me whenever I do something stupid.

DENISE: So, you have a problem with me because I don't have a problem?

KG: Look, Denise, I like you, okay? I really like you. And I just wanted to know where you were at.

DENISE: Where I was at?

KG: Yes. I want you to be my girlfriend.

DENISE: Your girlfriend?

KG: Yes! I'm not speaking a foreign language here, I just wanna make sure you're hearing me.

DENISE: I thought you and I were already going out.

KG: Wait, what?

DENISE: Yeah, aren't we already kinda boyfriend and girlfriend?

KG: Well, no. You never said anything to me. I can't figure out shit like that.

DENISE: Are you sure? We've never had this talk before?

KG: No, not at all.

DENISE: Because, you know, I could remember...

KG: Nope, you're about to bring up something that never happened. I went to all this trouble specifically because we've never had this talk before.

DENISE: Oh. Well, I'm sorry, KG. I guess I was kinda worried about being your girlfriend. I mean, we've been friends for a long time. I don't know if I can just move from that to this without thinking about it.

KG: Believe me, I know how you feel. I once really liked this girl that I was friends with and it was hard too, but we made it work.

DENISE: Really?

KG: No, I told her I liked her and she laughed at me. And as some additional insult to injury, she said that I'm not really a boyfriend, but the friend you talk to about the boyfriend.

DENISE: My God.

KG: Yeah, that was a real kick in the nuts.

DENISE: Well, you know, we do like each other a lot. I don't know what I'm so scared of anyway.

KG: So are we really boyfriend and girlfriend?

DENISE: I guess we are.

KG: I can't believe this. We're dating. It all worked out.

Beat.

DENISE: So are we going to kiss, or what?

KG: Yeah, sure, just give me a second for my heart to stop pounding.

SCENE 20

Craig Bartlett Junior High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Trevor and Rodney have taken KG's place at the front of Mr. Shure's classroom, signing in students.

TREVOR: Brian Boykins. Is there a Brian Boykins?

BRIAN: Yeah, is Shure ready to send me in?

MR. SHURE: No, he's not. Trevor, Rodney, what's going on here?

RODNEY: Mr. Shure, this is unprofessional. You have to see all these kids or you're going to get written up.

MR. SHURE: I want to know where KG and Denise are right now.

RODNEY: We don't know what you're talking about. Who's KG and Denise?

TREVOR: I think he means our friends, man.

Rodney gives Trevor a look of disapproval.

TREVOR: Oh, I got ya. You know, Mr. Shure, I understand that you're looking for the Jennings boy and the Fletcher girl. But if I were you, and I was really trying to get them, I would definitely not look inside the janitor's closet. That's the last place they would be, especially since they mentioned they would be in the boiler room. So janitor's closet, no. Boiler room, yes. Or maybe it's the other way around. Who knows?

Mr. Shure leaves Rodney and Trevor to themselves.

RODNEY: You're an idiot.

TREVOR: Please, he won't even know where to go. I out-smarted a science teacher, man. This has been a great day.

Mr. Shure unlocks the janitor's closet and sees KG and Denise kissing.

MR. SHURE: OH MY GOD!

KG and Denise immediately turn towards Mr. Shure in shock. Beat.

*deadpan* KG: This was harassment. I'm gonna sue.

SCENE 21

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The kids are all on the couch with KG.

KG: So Denise and I got detention for misconduct, but it was all worth it. I finally made it official with her.

JAYLYNN: What is it with you teens making a big deal out of things like this?

KG: I don't know. But I don't remember being madly in love with Denise for two years and then her rejecting me.

JAYLYNN: You little bitch.

RK: Well, KG, I'm glad you got some tonight. And Wade, I just want to say, thank you.

WADE: For what?

RK: I found out what you said about me. Mr. Frax exposed you. You really think I'm the smartest guy you know?

WADE: Yeah, I do.

RK: But I'm not that special.

WADE: RK, one day, you'll get to do whatever you want in life. I know you are. But it's only when you realize that.

RK: Well, as long as I know you believe in me, I don't have anything to worry about.

Beat.

BUSTER: Guys, I have a confession to make. I never cared about Dua Lipa. I just wanted the money.

WADE: Were we supposed to pay attention to what you were doing?

Cut to black.

("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS