Disclaimer: I wrote this a long time ago in a script format only to find it was "disqualified." So now I've rewritten it to a more typical story style. I have to say that screenplays are by far my better expertise, but hopefully this is still somewhat enjoyable. Oh, and I don't own anything, except some of the ideas and probably the jokes. Takes place after The One in Massapequa.
Monica had outdone herself once again. Chandler was sitting in their apartment enjoying breakfast when Ross rushed in telling them that he was going to ask Rachel to marry him. While Monica was shocked beyond belief; Chandler took the opportunity to crack a joke. "Most guys date before they propose, but not Ross, he goes straight for marriage number four!"
Ross was not amused and Monica could see that her brother really was serious. Sensing his best friend needed some encouragement, Chandler supported his decision, but the moment he did, Ross began to have his doubts. "So you think I should really do this?" Ross asked.
"Yes!" Monica and Chandler exclaimed together.
With that, Ross went on his way to make the biggest decision in his life (again).
Ross rehearsed what how he was going to propose to Rachel in his head over and over again. He created scenarios in his head where Rachel was overjoyed and others where she crushed his hopes like a bug. No matter how it went with Rachel, Ross knew he had to do one thing first, and it pained him to have to do it. He found himself standing in front of a large house rapping the brass knocker of the wooden door. He hoped that there would be no answer so he could say that he went through with the plan without lack of trying. Ross was disappointed however when Dr. Leonard Green opened the door.
Dr. Green seemed surprised to see Ross initially, but his shock was soon disguised with clear disdain and boredom. "Oh it's you, the uh…dinosaur guy," Dr. Green said casually.
"Paleontologist," Ross corrected.
Telling Ross there weren't any dinosaurs on the premises; Dr. Green tried to close the door on him. However, before Dr. Green could shut the door completely, Ross stopped it with his hand and said, "Actually, I'm here about Rachel."
"What did you do to her now?!" Dr. Green exclaimed.
"Well, I haven't done anything yet; it's what I want to do to her," Ross answered. Dr. Green was clearly disturbed by Ross' response. Trying to explain, Ross corrected himself. "I…I just want to marry her." Dr. Green began to calm down, but he clearly was not convinced of Ross' good intentions yet. "You know? Marriage. Like you wanted? The…the baby will have a father?" Ross continued. Then he thought to himself, "Oh dear God, let this work."
"And you came here to ask for my permission?" Dr. Green asked skeptically.
Sighing with relief, Ross confirmed Dr. Green's analysis. Reluctantly Dr. Green gave Ross his permission to marry his daughter, but made it clear that he his acceptance of their marriage didn't mean he was ever going to like Ross. Thinking that their conversation was over, Dr. Green began to close the door.
"Oh, and one more thing," Ross interrupted.
"I'm already giving you my daughter and now you want more?!" Dr. Green asked outraged. Ross explained how Rachel always talked about her grandmother's ring, and asked if there was any way he could obtain the object. "First you get my little baby pregnant, then you want to marry her, and now you want her grandmother's ring?" Dr. Green asked as if it were the most preposterous suggestion a person could make.
"Umm…yes?" Ross said afraid of Dr. Green's next reaction.
To a beat, Dr. Green plainly said, "Well, I don't have it. Jill wanted it and I already gave it to her. Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to my '74 Latour," and with that, he closed the door in Ross' face.
Ross approached the door to another house. He dreaded going to this one more than he dreaded going to see Dr. Green. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door, only to have an unexpected Mrs. Green answer it. "Ross, what are you doing here?" Mrs. Green asked. After greeting Rachel's mother, Ross asked if Jill was around. "Well, yes, but what do you want Jill for?" Mrs. Green was nothing if not a gossip and was clearly interested in what this man who once had an interest in one daughter would want to see her other daughter for.
"I kinda have a favor to ask her," Ross answered making sure not to give away more than what was needed.
"Well, ok," Mrs. Green said somewhat reluctantly before yelling for you daughter to come down the stairs. "Ross is at the front door for you!" Mrs. Green explained before leaving.
Jill rushed to the front door excitedly, but stopped in her tracks when she saw Ross at the door. "Oh, Rachel's Ross. I thought Mom meant the cute Ross from the country club." Seeing her mistake, she began to close the door, clearly uninterested in anything Ross had to say.
"Wait!" Ross cried grabbing the door before it could shut completely. "What is with this family and closing the door on me?" Ross added to himself. Snapping back to what was important, Ross told Jill that there was something that he needed from her.
"Oh?" Jill asked, clearly interested in the impending proposition. Ross explained once again how Rachel had always talked about their grandmother's ring, and how he would like to use it for his proposal to Rachel. Slightly offended, Jill clarified, "So first you dump me, and now you want my ring?"
"Umm…well…yeah…I guess." Ross said fumbling. This clearly was not going the way he had originally anticipated.
After giving it some thought, Jill gave her decision. "Well…I suppose I could part with the ring…" Jill said finally. Ross was clearly shocked and overjoyed with Jill's response. She really had grown up. "…For a price," Jill added. In that very second, all of Ross' elated happiness came crumbling down.
"What do you want?" Ross asked, knowing in the back of his head it was going to be something outrageously unreasonable.
Jill thought some more. "I don't know. It's gotta be big though. I mean, this ring…it's an heirloom. It's not cheap," Jill said laying on the guilt trip as thick as she could. Hoping to get out of this fairly unscathed, Ross offered Jill a thousand dollars. "Hmm…no. This ring is far to special to be compensated with money," Jill said innocently.
"Then what? What do you want?" Ross asked wanting the torture to end.
"I want…" Jill thought a moment, and then Ross could see the flash of evil in her eyes when she finally drew a conclusion. "I want you to name the baby after me."
"What?! No way! I can't do that!" Ross cried outraged. What was Jill thinking? He would never be able to convince Rachel to name the baby after her spoiled little sister.
"Well then no ring. It looks far better on me than it ever would on Rachel anyway." Undisturbed by Ross' decision, Jill began to close the door once again.
Sensing that he was losing his opportunity, Ross stopped Jill yet another time. "What! Wait! Ok, we'll name the baby after you," Ross said somewhat defeated.
"You promise?" Jill asked playfully.
"I promise," Ross said coldly.
"Cross your heart and hope to die?" Jill added.
"Jill!" Ross yelled, tired of the games she was playing. However, clearly unhappy with his response, Jill decided to once again try closing the door on Ross. Panicking, Ross added, "Cross my heart and hope to die."
Unaffected, Jill shrugged and said, "Well, ok." She took the ring off of a necklace she was wearing and handed to Ross. "Here, I hope you two, and little Jill are very happy together.
Now that Ross had gotten Rachel's grandmother's ring, he could set his plan in motion. He almost had everything in place; all he needed now was Rachel. As calm as he could, Ross began to dial Rachel's number. "Yeah, um, Rachel, could you come down to the museum with tat bone you kept?" After Rachel asked about his weird request, Ross found himself scrambling for answers. "Umm…because it turns out that the piece you have may be able to tell us what caused the dinosaurs to become extinct. Yeah, amazing I know!" Ross waited for Rachel's response, sure that she wouldn't buy his excuse. "You're coming? Great! I'll see you soon!" Sighing with relief, Ross prepared himself for the big moment.
In no time, Rachel began wandering through the museum looking for Ross. Unable to find him, Rachel called out, "Ross, are you here?"
From the planetarium, Ross called for Rachel to follow his voice. "I'm in here! I'm helping Kurt set up some equipment. Come in and I will be right with you."
Rachel headed into the planetarium and was shocked to find the room surrounded in lilies, the way Ross described previously. "Oh my gosh… Ross… but, you don't even work in the museum anymore. How did you pull all this off?" Rachel asked in amazement.
"I still have good friends here," Ross explained, "Besides, I couldn't think of anything more perfect, so I kept my original plan." Continuing with his plan, Ross walked to a podium and turned on some music. Wicked Game by Chis Isaak came through the loudspeakers. Ross then put down a blanket and after they sat, he set out two Crangrape juice boxes. Holding one of the juice boxes, Ross began a toast. "Here's to the best night I ever had in my life, the first time and this time." Rachel continued to stare on in speechless wonderment as Ross again went to the podium. In a matter of seconds the stars in the planetarium rearranged to spell out the question, "Will you marry me?"
Confused and a little frightened, Rachel tried to make excuses. "But we haven't dated for like five years, "Rachel started.
"Does that really matter?" Ross asked. "I know I love you. I never stopped loving you. We've been friends for so long, I know that this is right." Without another word, he took out her grandmother's ring and showed it to Rachel.
"My grandmother's ring?" Rachel asked surprised he could be holding such an important object in her life.
"To go with that pin I got you," Ross explained sincerely.
"Pi…pin?" Rachel asked, confused to what Ross was talking about.
"Yeah, the one I bought you for your birthday," Ross explained further, interpreting Rachel's confusion.
"Yeah…hmmm…" was all Rachel could say.
Knowing what was going on, and somewhat upset by it, Ross asked
bluntly, "You returned it, didn't you?"
"Yes, I'm sorry." Rachel said quickly, trying to explain her actions. "It's just… When I got it, I realized it didn't look that much like my grandmother's after all." Trying to make up for her lack of sensitivity, Rachel added, "But this ring… This is the real thing." Finally completely realizing what she was actually holding in her hands, Rachel questioned, "But Ross, how did you get this?"
Not wanting to explain the story to Rachel (in fear that once she knew she would say no, and simply not wanting to relive the ordeal over again) Ross simply told her that he had connections. Besides, that wasn't what was important right now. "So what do you say, Rach?" Ross asked, hoping for a particular response.
"I say that I would be hard press to say no."
Thrown off slightly by her response, Ross asked unsure, "Does that mean yes?"
"Yes, it does." Rachel answered smiling back on him. Ross and Rachel embraced each other for a long hug and kiss. When their sealed lips parted Ross continued to hold Rachel in his arms as she laid her head on his shoulder. Sighing with comfort Rachel asked Ross; "Does this mean I get to keep the bone?"
Ross chuckled as he continued to hold onto Rachel, gently swaying her body. "Yeah, you can keep the bone," Ross replied.
The next morning, Ross and Rachel entered Central Perk. The rest of the gang was already there hanging out.
"We're getting married!" Rachel rang, as the group of friends congratulated them.
Without missing a beat, Monica added, "I'm pregnant!" Everyone turned to Monica shocked at what they just heard. Looking directly at Rachel, Monica added, "I told you it would happen!"
"That's why you wanted to have sex? You tricked me!" Chandler said outraged that he was simply a pawn in Monica's twisted obsession with winning.
"So you're really pregnant?" Phoebe asked, unsure if Monica was simply trying to compete with Rachel, or if she was actually telling the truth.
"Yeah, look, I have it right here," Monica said, pulling the test out of her purse. The rest of the gang turned their heads away in disgust.
"Mon, sweetie, are you sure that's sanitary?" Rachel asked, still making a face.
"Of course it's sanitary," Monica explained. "I sterilized this puppy three times before putting it in my purse. I think I'm going to have it encased. Then when the baby is born, I can show them that this was the test used to find out I was pregnant with him or her."
Still in disbelief, Chandler questioned, "We're…we're really having a baby?"
"Yeah, we're really having one," Monica said to her husband gently.
"I think I need to sit down," Chandler said to himself. He suddenly became lightheaded with the news.
Sitting next to him, Monica asked concerned, "You aren't happy?"
Chandler just looked at Monica point blank in the eyes and plainly said, "No," before cracking into a smile. "I'm ecstatic! I think you just made me the happiest man in the whole world." Chandler said as he hugged Monica.
"This is so great!" Joey exclaimed. "Ross and Rachel are getting married; Chandler and Monica are having a baby. A cup of coffee for everyone!"
Gunther went around to everyone at Central Perk and poured them a complementary cup of coffee.
Having clearly served everyone but Ross, Ross asked, "Hey Gunther, could I have a cup too?"
"No, no coffee for you!" Gunther cried before storming off leaving the rest bewildered.