Walter and Astrid Write an Erotic Novel
Hello! This story was inspired by reading a hilariously scathing review of a popular erotic novel, which I could definitely see having been written by an irate Walter. I couldn't get the plot bunny out of my head, and thus this fic was born : )
Haven't written for Fringe in a very long time, so hopefully I still have the voices down. Constructive criticism is always appreciated!
Walter threw the novel on to the lab floor in frustration, causing a resounding thud. How? The thought reverberated in his mind over and over again as he gently massaged his temples. How?
His assistant peeped out at him from Gene's stall. "Walter," She said slowly, her kind brown eyes looking remarkably similar to their bovine friend's. "Why are you throwing things? Are you alright?"
He took a deep breath and forced himself to become calm. Aster had been getting on him lately to "use his words" when he was angry. "No, Astroid, I am not alright! How is it that people can actually read this," he stuttered," this garbage?"
He gave into his theatrical side and kicked the book over to her, relishing the sound it made as it slid across the smooth linoleum floor.
Astrid's eyebrows shot up as she read the title. "Walter, do you realized what this is?" she screeched, pointing to the cover as she ran over to him. "This is one of those trashy romances you buy at the grocery store! They're like hardcore pornography for middle-aged women!"
"And it's horrible!" he declared. "I remember the days when writers of erotica were actually literate. Like Donna Storey or A.N. Roquelaure – oh they could write some scenes that could make your toes curl."
"Wait, you actually like that kind of thing?" she asked.
"Well, of course," Walter said, surprised she would even ask. "Some long as they are well-written, any type of book can have something to offer. But this is an insult to the genre! The love interest is a cookie-cutter character from a teenage girls fantasy, and the female lead is incapable of doing anything except blushing and stammering. And the sex scenes! The girl climaxes every other page! It's like the drop of a hat. He touches her and she orgasms. He says her name and she orgasms. He - "
"Ok, I get the picture," she laughed, interrupting his rant.
"And to think this was on the New York Times best-seller list," he said sadly, running has hands along the side of the lab table. All of a sudden a wonderful idea occurred to him.
"Afro, I have a splendid idea: I'll write my own book!" he cried.
"No." she said immediately.
"But why not?" he pouted.
"Because….because we have cases to work on."
"That's not true!" he said triumphantly. "There hasn't been a fringe incident all week."
"Well how would you even know what to write about anyways?" she challenged.
"My dear, you underestimate me! I have plenty of experience needed to write a book of this sort. I've had many lovers throughout my lifetime, and I'm quite knowledgeable in the ways of pleasing a woman." He raised his eyebrows at her in a display of mock arousal. "But if you still don't believe me I'd be willing to give a demonstration."
Astrid just laughed. "What woman would be able to resist that kind of charm?"
Walter smiled. It was times like this when he truly appreciated his assistant, one of the few people who actually understood his sense of humor.
"So I can do it?" he asked.
"Walter, I'm not your babysitter. Actually, I kind of take that back: I am your babysitter, but only to make sure that you don't hurt yourself or burn down the lab. I can't tell you how to spend your free time. So yes, you can do it."
"Yessssss!" he exclaimed, his hands into the air.
"Under one condition," she continued. "I need to see it before you show it to anyone else. I don't want you giving your "masterpiece" to Broyles and landing all of us in sexual harassment training."
He could do her one better. "How about you be my editor? I can show you the drafts of my chapters and you can help me improve them along the way."
She twirled a lock of hair around her finger. "I don't know if I would be good at that kind of thing, Walter."
"You are a woman, are you not?" He asked, scanning her from top to bottom just to make sure.
Astrid blushed and crossed her arms over her chest. "Yes, I'm a woman!"
"Then your perspective could prove invaluable during the creative process."
"Ugh, fine I'll be your editor," she agreed, shaking her head. "I can't believe I'm actually agreeing to this."
"Me neither," he admitted happily. Astro was so much fun sometimes. He could never have gotten Agent Dunham to agree to something like this. "But you won't regret it! I'll start immediately! You'll have a draft of the first chapter on your desk first thing tomorrow morning!"
Walter plopped down at his computer and cracked his knuckles in excitement. He knew exactly what he was going to write about.