Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, this is purely for my own enjoyment.
Rating: M -language, mature themes-
Summary: 'That little thing called reason, the one that's developed after five years of Craig Manning, stops her, won't allow her the luxury of his presence'. Entry for the one-shot
Note: Entry to the Craig/Manny one-shot challenge.
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Owner of a Lonely Heart
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'Its graduation' she tries to convince herself, tries to justify her seventh glass of Heather Sinclair's fathers cognac. And it is. It's time to celebrate because she has finished and she is beautiful and daring and happy, almost. A moment later as she almost falls off her chair, she knows hasn't really convinced herself that drinking is for the best but turns back to Liberty without lowering her drink anyway.
She lets Liberty talk, lecture really, until they both hear the commotion at the door, girls shrieking and someone -for a fleeting second she thinks its JT, almost cries because it can't be- imitating the girls cries.
Everything is spinning too fast for her to focus, to make sense of what is really going on. She turns to her friend, demands to know what has happened, slurs her words, makes Liberty frown. "I think some people from last year are here" Liberty says "I can see Paige and I think that's Marco there too, it's so weird that they've come, it is our graduation party after all, not theirs" she emphasises 'our' and stops as the girl beside her takes another swallow of the bitter liquid in her glass "maybe you should take a break Manny" she tells her.
"Lighten up Liberty" her friend shrieks as she tries to stand up on her own "You only graduate once."
She hugs her, laughs at the situation, laughs at her own lack of eloquence and then as she turns to face the room, the world stops and her spinning ends and her breathing quickens because it's him and he is the last person she expected to see here, tonight… now.
He's talking with Emma, Ellie by his side and he looks good, healthy, happy, as handsome as ever.
And she stares, can't really comprehend that it's him, this boy who has been in her mind, her thoughts, her dreams since the last time she saw him. One whole year, one long year, since they've spoken, since they've seen each other, since he hurt her so much, too much. She watches as Ellie's arm moves cautiously around his waist and the illusion that he is still hers -that ever present mindset- ends abruptly.
She watches for another moment.
Almost goes over to him, wants nothing more then to talk to him, to tell him he hurt her, disappointed her yet again, but that little thing called reason, the one that's developed after five years of Craig Manning, stops her, won't allow her the luxury of his presence.
A lot has changed in a year. She's grown up, smartened up, caught up to Craig's level.
She leaves the room, the throng of people, leaves his presence, finds a bedroom and lies in the dark. Tries to collect her thoughts but really wants nothing more than that spinning, the one which returns when she can no longer see Craig, to end.
-
"So you're back" Emma says to him after their initial greetings.
She takes in his appearance, looks him up and down. He looks better, healthier, happier.
"Yeah" he replies, "It's good to be here Emma, good to be back, everything's going really well again, rehab went really well… it made me.." he pauses "re-evaluate things" he squeezes Ellie's arm as he says it, doesn't look at her face, stares at his feet instead.
Emma watches them, her eyes dart between the two, takes notice of Ellie's arm as she carefully wraps it around his waist. "Well I'm impressed Craig, you sound like you've really changed and I guess… I guess I'm just impressed" she says, fumbles for words because what she really wants to do is tell him not to hurt her best friend again, that Manny doesn't deserve it.
He turns slightly, as Ellie makes polite conversation with Emma; his eyes scan through the crowd, trying to spot her. The boys and girls meld into one, men and women really now, men and women that were once Degrassi. He can't see her, doesn't want to ask Emma because Ellie is here with him, but can't help himself, needs to.
"Manny…" he says as he turns back to the two girls, interrupts their conversation, Ellie's arm drops from his waist as he says it. He utters no question, there is no need, Manuela Santos has never needed an explanation in reference with his name, not now, not after they have so much history together.
Both girls are shocked that he has said her name; both know that he came to Emma simply to utter it.
Emma senses Ellie's discomfort, tries to save the situation for Craig's sake. "Around" she says quickly "Around but drunk, she's somewhere here, that's if she hasn't passed out already."
Ellie makes an indignant noise, Emma tries to make sense of it, tries to make sense of the look that befalls Craig's face at any mention of her friend. That eager disposition, too eager for someone with a new girlfriend.
"Well it was so nice to see you again Craig" she says, hugs him, nods to the girl beside him, speaks curtly, "Ellie."
They sit on the couch, the party surrounds them, celebrations and screams and shrill echoes, it makes Ellie's head hurt. Craig's eyes roam the room constantly, he doesn't see Manny.
He goes and gets them a drink, uses it as an excuse to continue searching for her, hoping to stumble across her but he doesn't. He comes back, perches on the edge of the couch. They talk with Toby and Spinner, catch up on old times with Liberty. She takes a deep breath and excuses herself when they mention JT.
A half hour passes, he gets up, goes to get them another drink, hates to think she might have left without speaking to him, wants nothing more then to go upstairs and check if she's there. When he returns Ellie's speaking with Sean. He doesn't look her in the face, "Do you mind if I go and…" he doesn't finish his sentence, leaves the explanation hanging in the air, knows Ellie knows what he wants. "I'll be back" he tells her, gives no time frame.
Ellie shuts her eyes for a moment. Be the supportive, girl, friend, girl friend, girlfriend she chants to herself. "Sure" she says, "Go ahead Craig, I'm sure Sean can keep me entertained."
"Thanks El" he tells her, pats the top of her head, the gesture is sickening in its lack of intimacy.
They watch as he walks away, Ellie turns, faces Sean, try's to smile. Sean shakes his head, "What are you doing Ellie?" he says softly.
"It's been a year" she says more to herself then to her friend, "they haven't seen each other in year…" she's spent hours trying to convince herself that, that knowledge means something.
-
He walks from room to room searches through the crush of people. Boys high-five him as he passes, slap him on the back, say it's good to see him again. The girls shriek and throw their arms around his neck, giggle to each other because he is the 'famous' Craig Manning. Occasionally he asks if the person he's talking to has seen her and they shake their head, the girl's tisk to each other, wonder what it is about Manny Santos that makes the boys go crazy.
When one girl see's him she screams so loudly it hurts his head. He vaguely remembers her yet can't place her, was she in the Spirit Squad or the Drama Club? He smiles at her, not genuine "Have you seen Manny?" she stumbles forward, clutches his jacket.
"That lost little girl" the girl slurs "she's gone upstairs".
He prays that she is alone as he climbs up to the second floor, swings a bedroom door open, sighs when it is empty, is relieved when the cries from another room are simply two shocked eleventh graders who stare at him like deer's transfixed by the light of an oncoming train.
When he thinks there aren't any rooms left, when that familiar bitter disappointment begins to gain prominence he sees the door at the end of the hall, miss able, tucked away. He goes over, pushes the door open slightly.
The lights are off; moon shines through the large window so he can make out her silhouette lying on the bed. He can feel her presence in the pit of his stomach, the desire, the yearning all mixed together, making it difficult to breathe. He waits a moment unsure, poised.
She breaks the silence, her voice a surprise to his ears, "I hear you're back" she says, voice wavers a little. He thinks it's funny that she doesn't turn around to see him; that she just knowshe is there.
"I hear you're drunk" he replies.
She laughs vaguely, critically; "No… yes" she laughs again "slightly although it's passing" she pauses "unfortunately" and then falls into silence.
He waits for a moment, for her to speak but she remains silent, steps into the room, shuts the door softly, blocks out all the light. The room is one of those tiny, forgotten ones, all angles and low rooves, 'cupboard under the stairs' he chides to himself, lowers his head, has to bend a little as he moves over to the bed.
When he reaches it… her… he sinks down, lie's next to her. She is on her back, looking up at him and he can't help but lower his head to her cheek, places a lingering kiss upon it.
She turns on her side to face him and he does the same, stare for a moment, too much silence between them. She tries to ignore the loud beating of her heart, tries to ignore the feeling of his body next to hers- the warmth.
"Hey" he says finally. She almost laughs, thinks it's the least profound thing he has ever said to her. She nods at him, her own silent greeting. "How have you been Manny?" he says, after a moment.
'Stupid boy' she thinks to herself, it's been one year since they've spoken and he acts like its normal, like this is normal. And its not and she hates it, hates herself because she is moving closer to him, letting him wrap his arm around her, letting him pull her closer.
"I've been fine" she replies, doesn't elaborate wants to make this hard for him. He closes his eyes for a moment as she pushes her head into his chest. Hates herself for the action, but her body, her traitorous body misses his comfort.
He pushes her hair back from her face when she moves back to look at him. "I've missed you" he says, she shrugs, not the response he wants… needs. She is still trying to comprehend being in his arms. "Did you know I was here?" he says, the response -a shrug again, he takes it as a yes. "Why didn't you come and talk to me?" no hint of accusation, nor anger, all she can pick up is pure interest.
She laughs then, music to his ears, even if she's being sarcastic. "Our angst-ridden greetings are better done here don't you think?" she says, his turn to shrug in reply.
They lay still then. He asks her about her family, school, acting… trivial things, which she doesn't think he really cares about, appreciates the attempt at conversation anyway. When she gets too tongue-tied, when she realises that she can still blame the alcohol, she asks, doesn't want to, but needs to, "are you with Ellie?"
He wants to lie to her, his mind tells him that it will save him from her anger at least for a little while but he can't. Can't bring himself to tell her untruths again, "Yes… no, it's complicated" he says finally, settles halfway.
"How?" she asks, her voice sounds child like, open, almost hurt.
He finds her tiny hand, entwines her fingers with his, finally realises how much he has missed everything about her, every last inch of her. "You see" he says, plays with her hand as he talks, "there's this girl who I left behind when I went into rehab… and I have a long history with her… I really hurt her" he squeezes her hand as he says it "and she's been on my mind quite a bit lately".
"Craig…" she says, silently begs him to stop because she can't go through this again, can't go through Craig's never ending problems… 'Never ending shit' she thinks to herself, wants to cry.
"I'm clean now Manny, one hundred percent clean" he says, knows its not much of a consolation but feels he has to give her something, she stays silent.
He waits for her to say something, doesn't remember a time Manny has ever been so quiet "don't you believe me?" he says finally, tries to mask his hurt, almost feels like he is in her place one year ago.
"I've never had a reason too" she finally says, pulls her hand out of his. "Look I know you are, I still speak with Joey, Craig, it's just…" can't find words, lacks her normal fluency, "its just I'm drunk and not prepared to say anything I'll regret tomorrow".
He turns then, on his other side, so she faces his back, doesn't want to admit that he feels tears in his eyes, doesn't want her to know. He finally realises that this Manny, the one lying on this tiny bed with him is not the same Manny. She's grown up now, unforgiving, and he can only blame himself.
She sits up quickly then, moonlight shines bright on her face, tugs him up and around to face her, doesn't want him to think she doesn't love him. They stare at each other, mirror each others hurt, moves her hand to his cheek- "My protector" she says traces his jaw, his forehead, the lines of his face, the familiarity of him daunting.
He is about to kiss her then, moves his face towards her, will if she doesn't stop him but she does, she turns her head because she has to, because she can't just give into him every time.
In a rush he pulls her to him, doesn't care that she struggles a bit, easily over powers her. He presses his forehead to hers, and they breathe quickly, stare into each others eyes, hearts beating loudly. There's desire there, she knows, can feel it heating up the tiny room, makes it feel like she's suffocating. "I'm sorry" he says to her, the first time he has really uttered it, really meant it. "I really am", the sound of his voice makes her nod against him, she doesn't think she's ever heard him like this before.
"There were valid reasons" she says softly, his face so close to hers, makes it hard to focus, the 'Craig-effect' she calls it, "valid reasons why we didn't work" and then she can't think of anything else to tell him.
He can't think of anything to say back, he pulls away from her, slides off the bed, afraid he'll do something… they'll do something that she'll regret tomorrow. The moment ends, she can feel the change in him, see him mask his emotions through the half-darkness. He gets ready to leave, wills himself to say goodbye to her. She watches him walk to the door, watches as he turns back to her before he leaves.
"Can I see you tomorrow" he asks her, and she can't possibly deny him. He smiles when she says yes, leaves with the echo of it repeating in his head… leaves in a daze. He is half way out the door before he remembers Ellie.
Manny- she stays in the room for a half hour, tries to work out what he wants, tries to work out why she still feels so much for him… too much, but her head is a mess, too confusing for her to make sense of anything, at least tonight.
She is home by eleven thirty, thinks it's funny that the wild graduation party she envisioned doesn't eventuate. Thinks it's funnier that she doesn't really care.
-
The next day he turns up at the door and it feels a little too surreal to be reality, a little too deja vu.
They spend the early afternoon together; her curled into his side as they watch a film. It's raining outside, a rare feat for late spring. The house is quiet, neither speak, both try to maintain that false peace they've somehow created. Deep down she knows they're both a little oblivious to what is happening on the TV, far too focused on the fact that their breathing has been synchronised for two hours.
When the film ends and she sits up, he tries to pull her down again, tries to kiss her, but she says no, shakes her head. They stare at each other for a moment, until he cups her round cheeks in his hands, her eyes flutter closed as he places fleeting kisses on her eyes, her cheeks, her forehead, her neck all the while honouring her wishes and avoiding her mouth.
At the end of their afternoon together they stand on the porch, the one where two years ago he kissed her, where one year ago one of her closest friends died, bidding each other farewell. She speaks after a moment of silence, voices her concerns, "I don't understand Craig, you're back and, and…" she wants to say he has never been this into her, can't bring herself to say the words. "Two days after we broke up you told Ellie you loved her", accusing, but she has to, has to know why, doesn't understand what he wants from her this time around.
His face lifts in shock… 'surprise surprise' she chants to herself, bitterly. "You know about that?" he says avoids her eyes, she thinks he seems mortified, congratulates herself on the fact.
"Of course I do" her eyes narrowed- hard lines.
He treads carefully as he speaks, unsure, afraid of her reaction, "I was confused, you'd left and the feelings I had for her…" he pauses "those friendly feelings, they were confusing." He looks up, hopes her face has lost some of that edge, wants it to, needs it to.
She feels tears in her eyes now, feels she owes him some response because there's shame there, shame that she left him when he needed her, someone most. "I didn't want to leave you Craig…" she tries to find the words she needs, struggles, "its just… its just I've always come second in your life to so many things… too many things" she shakes a little as she says it, tries not to cry "to Ashley, your music, Ellie and then… and then the drugs. I've never once been your number one priority and I couldn't handle it again." Guilty, avoids his eyes guilty.
And he nearly cry's out as he rushes to her, pulling her hand into his and holding it tight. "Don't… don't explain yourself." He kisses her exposed neck because he can't help himself, speaks into her skin "I've had a lot of time to think in the last year and you… you never did anything wrong Manny, it was always me that did."
She pulls her head back then, searches his eyes for something that isn't genuine and can't find it. Wants to because it would make things so much more simple.
She tells him the only thing that makes any sense, any sense amongst all the madness, the one thing which he needs to do. "End things with Ellie ok?"
His lips tremble a little as she says it; he wills them not to move, keeps his face still, devoid of emotion. "It'll be done by tonight…" he adds the last words in, doesn't really think about their implication "I promise."
Silence from her for a moment, still, silent, unsure how to respond. But she isn't forgiving now, not anymore "don't promise me anything… I don't want another one of your broken promises" she pauses again, says it because she has to, "you never did have a problem with lying to me."
Eyes narrowed, "Things are different now Manny" he says.
And she, she can't help herself, needs to punish him for once "what? Like how it was different with Ashley?"
It's the blow he knew was coming, the one he knows he deserves. He has practiced the answer, spent hours saying it over in his head, until it has somehow become his own personal mantra. "I was a kid back then Manny….you've grown up… is it so hard to believe that I have too?"
-
A week passes and she hears nothing. She hates herself for believing his promises all over again and she hates herself even more when she finds herself in the bathroom at three in the morning, muffling her cries so as not to wake Emma.
Emma worries about her, is hesitant to leave Manny alone at home. On the night that she is going out with Sean she asks Manny five times if she wants to join them. She pushes Emma out the door, says she's fine and knows she's not, tells Emma to go anyway.
The house is silent, too silent. She tries to drown out the quiet, turns up the radio, the TV, cooks using the loudest utensils simply to dull the silence.
And then there's a knock at the door and it's him, standing there somewhat uneasy, unsure. She lets him in, shakes as he brushes past her into the lounge. And then he smiles as she pushes him and curses him. He holds her hands down as she tries to hit him and sinks to the floor with her as cries overcome her, as she loses composure. Takes her in his arms and rocks her, waits for her to calm down, kisses her temple and is patient as she avoids his gaze.
When she stops he wipes the tears with the pad of his thumb, tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, "I did it Manny, I ended it after I talked to you last week". Her head snaps up, looks directly at him.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier" her breath shudders, she wants to rip his hair out, she wants to rip her own hair out. How can she be with someone who angers her so… but she loves him… she thinks, can't help but think its unfair that she still feels the same way she did when she was twelve.
"I wanted to give you time" he says and she clenches her hands into fists.
"Time…" she pauses "I've been going insane Craig, I thought… I thought you couldn't do it, that you'd changed your mind". She relaxes, almost, almost ready to give into him.
He smirks a little at her, moves to whisper in her ear "Listen", his breath against her skin, "I have something for you", he reaches into his pocket finds one of her tiny hands, places something into it.
She feels it before she sees, registers what he's giving to her but can't quite fathom the idea of it. She lifts it to her face, a tiny charm bracelet, remembers ice skating and broken promises. "You kept this, all this time?" she asks, finally looking into his eyes. He shrugs his shoulders; face turns a little red, glances away for a moment before turning back to her.
"I couldn't not", he smiles then, just a little and she thinks that for the first time ever Craig Manning really does get her.
And it's sweet and terrifying and daunting and unfamiliar in its familiarity. It's perfect.
The End
Authors Note: I love Degrassi. I really do. I love that you can download the episodes easily because it doesn't play here. I find things about the show funny- no one in real life goes through as much as they do. I like Craig and Manny. I think they seem sweet.
I think it's weird that Canadians pronounce Craig- Creg. If it's spelt Craig, shouldn't it be pronounced Cra-y-g not Creg? I think Canada seems nice though. Especially after I saw Bowling for Columbine.
I don't get why guns are still legal in the US. In the country I'm from guns are illegal, and we have only had one major shooting. Ever. Am I the only one that finds legal guns completely illogical?
And no I'm not British… try and guess where I'm from.
I hope you enjoyed this story. I tried awfully hard with it. Please review. Feedback equals and the like. Even if it's bad feedback. I really don't mind just review it okay okay?! Smiles. By the way the title is taken from the song by Yes.
'Yo! Back up b4 ya gets mash up! dis be cool and you is witnessing the Kreme of da storiez. Jus put ya eyes on da writing and feel da mood wit ya head, and den give em an overload of shiz bruz fer shur fer shur'. (I love New Rave- Nu Rave- and that just there, that was Trash Fashion talk- download their songs because they are awesome-) /small