The Idiot's Guide to Gundam Wing
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is owned by some Japanese guys.
Well, let me start this one by giving you some backstory. This is only told in the manga (Episode Zero) and hinted at in "Endless Waltz", but we'll get to that later. Anyway, let me introduce you to the plotline.
There's this world that's like ours, except it's not. It's got colonies and it's entire system of counting the years is based upon the invention of these gigantic space thingies. Listen, "The year... is After Colony... One... Nine... Five..." Can't they just have a normal year system? What was the whole point of Ceasar coming up with it if these guys are just going to throw it away?!
Anywho, these new little inventions called mobile suits come along and they're pretty cool. They're your typical Japanese giant robots. They have weapons, which can't be good.
So, time passes, and there comes along this guy named Heero Yuy. He's a real homo who likes to hang around and have tea parties and frolic around all the live long day. He says, "Hey! Why don't we not fight anymore and have peace and love and magic?" As Sailor Moon cheers him on, other people don't think he's all that cool. These guys are:
A. Quinze (Pronounced "Cans". Yeah, I know. Don't say anything.), Yuy's right hand man.
B. Dekim Barton (Pronounced "Deck 'em bar ton"), Yuy's other right hand man.
C. Vegeta (Pronounced "Dum ass"), who still wants to fight... for everlasting peace.
Well, these guys put together an insidious plot to assasinate Yuy. They do this by hring a man named Odin Lowe (See... I know way too much about Gundam Wing. I need to get a girlfriend or something). Odin pops a cap in Heero's ass and then nothing happens.
Years pass and a secret organization known as OZ begins to form inside the Romafeller Foundation, a charity that's for, like, cancer or something. OZ commisions these guys to make SUPER mobile suits. Amazingly, these men seem to have no first name and their last names are only letters. Dr. J, Master O, etc.
They build the Gundams from Gundanium alloy, a metal that can only be forged in space for some strange reason, and that's totally indestructable, unless it's hit with, like, a bullet or something. These doctors continue on their evil ways.
Across the universe, people grow up. But not just any people! People who are relevant to the plot!
A nameless orphan is taken in by a shadowy man who looks suspiciously like Odin Lowe and has incredibly spiky hair. This guy always wears a green tanktop and shorts since he seems to have NO other clothes.
Elsewhere, a group of kids on a colony get infected with a plague. The leader of the group, a boy named Solo, dies and his best friend takes the name Duo in order to remember him. Then some church gets blowed up and he takes the name Maxwell.
Still elsewhere, in an incredibly homosexual filled household, a gay boy named Quatre Raberba Winner is born. Unlike his sisters, which number OVER 100, Quatre was not a test tube baby. (Daddy Winner must've liked beatin' his wang, if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. Wait... that wasn't innuendo. Whatever.)
Somewhere, someone's born. That's about all anyone knows about the baby that would become Trowa Barton, because they NEVER TELL US! (There's a fan manga that says he was seperated at birth from his sister, Catherine, but that is only a fan manga. So anyone whe says Catherine and Trowa are related by blood can suck on the fact that it's only a fan manga.)
In a colony that highly resembles China, Wu Fei Chang is born. Big whoop.
The Peacecraft family of Earth has some kids. Milliardo and Relena. Suddenly the Sanc Kingdom (Where these mighty fine people live) gets burned down for no real reason. Relena gets seperated from her family.
Even more elsewhere, Treize Khushrenada is born in a glorious flash of light that makes Jesus cry because, well, Treize is just SO DAMNED COOL. Okay, I'll talk more of Treize later.
More years pass. The spiky haired kid (Wow. Am I quoting Final Fantasy VII?) watches Odin get killed by Dekim and Quinze, but gets taken in by Dr. J and renamed in honor of Heero Yuy.
Duo becomes a theif and meets up with his doctor and proclaims himself "Shinigami" or, the God of Death. Bitch. That was my idea.
Quatre goes and shops for drapes. While doing so, he meets the Maganac Corps., who are a bunch of test tube babies. Believing himself to be one, Qutre joins them for a time and has gay anal sex with every one of them except the one with the sunglasses 'cause he's just silly.
No name kid is a worker on the Heavy ARMS Gundam and overhears the son of Dekim, Trowa Barton, revealing Dekim's insidious plot to one of the doctors. Some random guy kills him and Trowa takes his name and steals his wallet.
Wu Fei realized that he was just too damned Chinese and settled down and got married.
Milliardo is taken in by the Romafeller and becomes Zechs Merquise, a SUPER pilot.
Treize is still cool.
Even MORE time passes and there's some more stuff. Heero gets trained to not show emotions and goes to Earth in Dr. J's double crossing of Operation: Meteor.
Oh yeah. That thing. Well, you see, Dekim and Quinze wanted to drop Wu Fei's colony onto Earth and send down the Gundams, causing chaos and destruction and all that other good stuff, but the doctors said "NUH-UH!" You go, Doctors! Stop gettin' all up in dey grill, Dekim and Quinze! Don't nobody want 'cho stank breaf in dey face, son!
*Ahem!* Well, the doctors cause Operation: Meteor to go awry. They tell the Gundams to fight OZ instead of helping it. However, Treize and Zechs are ready for them. They send all their mobile suits (Okay, well just three of them) to fight the Gundams (Okay, well just Heero in his Wing Gundam.). The good guys win.
Time passes and we see Relena now as the foster daughter of a politician named Dorlian. Suddenly he gets killed by this chick named Lady Une. She's mean. Relena learns of her true family lineage. Then she meets Heero and is all like "Ooh! A guy who want's to kill me! I looooove you." And Heero's like, "Whatever."
Duo shacks up with this guy named Howard who is, like, just a notch below Treize on the coolness meter. Then he meets up with Heero and they become buddies.
Elsewhere, Wu Fei is fighting evil. Like he's Batman or something. So from now on, Wu Fei is Batman. Okay? Anyone object? Fine.
Trowa meets Quatre and they have a torrid gay love. You see, everyone else says "Duo and Heero are gay with eachother!" "Wu Fei and Treize are gay with eachother!" Well, that's not true at all! But Trowa and Quatre is plausible. You see, not only do the other male characters have female counterparts (Okay. Wu Fei and Sally Po's a stretch) and Quatre and Trowa don't, but Quatre and Trowa show off quite a few gay stereotypes.
Trowa has the turtleneck sweater, which is a gay stereotype. And then there's Quatre having sex with men. That's another gay stereotype. So, there's my essay in Gundam Wing 101, good day.
Well, um, there was some more stuff where Zechs gets the Tallgeese, which is the prototype for all other mobile suits. Which is why it is SUPER powerful! Why it isn't operated by a series of levers and pulleys and powered by coal, I don't know. Zechs fights... for everlasting peace.
Treize sits back and looks cool. Lady Une gives him a sponge bath in roses or something like that. Looks like something out of American Beauty or something.
Then there's some stuff that happens. The whole plot gets really gay about here because it's basicly the Heero and Relena Show, and Heero is, well, how do I put this...
BOR-ING!
*Ahem!* So, time passes and the Doctors reveal themselves and get captured by OZ, who has seperated itself from the Earth-Sphere Alliance, which is like the UN of the cosmos.
The Gundam pilots go into space. Trowa goes undercover in OZ, along with Heero. Duo goes around killing stuff and gets captured by OZ. So does Wu Fei. Then OZ reveals it's building these things called Mobile Dolls, which are mobile suits that don't need pilots. Well, there's these two OTHER mobile suits which the Doctors build called the Vayeate and Mercurius. Heero and Trowa pilot these against an insane Quatre who has found a SUPER Gundam called the Wing ZERO. He kills a whole bunch of people and hurts Trowa real bad.
Then Heero makes Quatre stop. Duo and Wu Fei sit in jail as the Doctors secretly upgrade their Gundams, Deathscythe and Shenlong respectively. Then Wu Fei uses his utility belt to get out of prison.
"Holy Gundam, Batman!" says Duo before being bitchslapped by Adam West.
(Oh shit. I'm bombing. The whole Wu Fei is Batman joke is stupid. SHIT! Why did I do that?! SHIT! Why am I even writing this?! SHIT! I should've just stuck to Dragonball Z. Well, I'll just have to pick up after myself by going back to the tried and true method that will get laughs...)
And meanwhile, Ash and Pikachu continued on their journey to become Masters of the Universe, alongside He-Man. Suddenly Treize kills them because, well, uh, TREIZE IS A POKE'MON! JUST LIKE FRIEZA! FUCK IT! EVERYBODY'S A POKE'MON! EVEN YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Ahem!* More time passes. Lady Une gets shot. Zechs becomes Milliardo and heads up the White Fang, a terrorist group led by none other than Quinze, who is irrelevant to the plot if you never read Episode Zero. Treize reveals a mobile suit he built using the ZERO system from the Wing ZERO that Heero now pilots, the cool as Hell Ephyon. Heeeell yeah.
Then Heero takes Ephyon and Milliardo gets a hold of Wing ZERO. Then, they switch. Why?
Anywho, Duo and Wu Fei escape prison and start killing things again. Relena becomes Queen of the World (Not a bad job, if you ask me). Quatre is STILL gay. Trowa is back at the circus, having lost his memory, but he regains it due to the fact that it's a stupid plot device and the writers needed to write it out of the story.
Time passes until we get to this big thingie that is commonly refered to as "The Eve War", because it occurs on Christmas Eve, "In the year... After... Col-...-ony... One... Nine... Five...". There's a big fight between the Earth, led by Treize, and the White Fang, led by Milliardo, or Zechs, or, as I like to call him (Since his names are interchangeable at random intervals), Zechsilliardo Merquisecraft.
The Gundams are caught in the middle of all this. Relena is captive aboard the White Fang's ship. Their dolls have the ZERO System loaded onto them. Heero fights Zechsilliardo, Wu Fei fights Treize, Quatre fights Dorothy (Who I haven't mentioned because she's important, but not too important), Trowa fights no one, and Duo fights everyone. Then comes my FAVORITE episodes of Gundam Wing, the very last two.
In Episode 48, Zechsilliardo waits for Heero as Quatre tries to stop Dorothy from using the dolls by fencing with her. Trowa boards the White Fang ship in order to find Quatre and have more and more gay anal sex with him.
Wu Fei and Treize fight and they have one of the coolest dialogues in the series.
Wu Fei: How many people have died for you?!
Treize: Exactly (Number).
I mean, he's not the cold hearted bastard he's made out to be throughout the series! He cares about his troops! He even knows the names of every man who has died for him. We salute you, Mister Treize!
Then Wu Fei kills him. BOO! Wu Fei sucks!
Okay, then Dorothy shoots Quatre. Awwww.
Then comes Episode 49, where Heero and Zechsilliardo fight and try and have as cool a conversation as Treize and Wu Fei, but just can't pull it off. Relena cries some more. Are the words "Heero", "Mobile Suit", "Space", and "Meaningless" the only words people can say? God damn!
Well, Heero and Zechsilliardo fight as part of the White Fang ship plummets toward the Earth, threatening like the original Operation: Meteor. Oh well.
Then comes all the Gundam Pilots and the Maganac Corps., who blow up most of it, then comes Zechsilliardo, who blows up the main power supply of the piece, supposedly killing himself. Then Heero becomes cool in my eyes by actually having emotion in his voice.
"I WILL SURVIVE!"
"JUST AS LONG AS I AM STRONG ENOUGH, I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE!"
*Ahem!* That's the end. Everyone goes home.
BUT WAIT! THEEEEEEEERE'S MORE!
You see, there is a manga called Blind Target that has the Gundam pilots fighting a group of rogue White Fang members who are, like, evil and stuff, and there's these two characters in it. One's named Ralph, and that's just cool.
Then comes the SUPER cool OVA, "Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz". Although the Gundam pilots have taken the liberty of COMPLETELY REMODELING all of their Gundams before sending them out into the Sun, they let Quatre do just that. Everyone agrees to this except Wu Fei, who wants to keep his Gundam.
Then comes the curveball. We meet Treize's daughter, Mariemaia Khushrenada! And she's a pawn of Dekim Barton! What, no applause?
Well, scattered throughout Endless Waltz is scenes from Episode Zero, so I'm just gonna omit those. But the main plot is, Quatre has to go after the Gundams and get them back before they are destroyed so that they can use them to fight against Dekim. Relena is captured and used as a pawn by Mariemaia. Trowa infiltrates the Barton Foundation but is found out, and yet no one kills him. It's weird. Anyway, Wu Fei is now evil. Kewl.
Heero and Duo go to fight Mariemaia while we see all the left over female characters (Except Dorothy) are now in a Government sponsered group called the Protectors. A mysterious figure shows up and since we can see his hair, the bottom half of his face, and hear his voice, we all know it's Zechsilliardo.
Then everything culminates into one decisive battle with Wing ZERO fighting Altron Custom and the other Gundam Pilots (Along with Noin and Zechsilliardo) battle the Barton Foundation troops. Heero convinces Wu Fei to be good again and the Chinaman rallies the people against Dekim.
Heero blows himself up trying to threaten Dekim. Then Mariemaia gets shot by Dekim. Then Dekim gets shot by Somerandomguy.
Heero falls asleep and then goes walking off in space, where we can only assume he runs out of oxygen and dies a horrible, horrible death.
And now, my traditional dialogue:
Heero: (Falls through the atmosphere)
OZ Soldier: Commander Zechsilliardo! It's a Gundam!
Zechsilliardo: Okay. I will destroy him.
Heero: I will survive!
Zechsilliardo: This battle is meaningless.
Duo: I am the God of Death!
Trowa: (Sits there looking sad and depressed)
Quatre: (Has gay anal sex with the sad and depressed Trowa)
Wu Fei: I am the terror.. that quacks in the night!
Relena: HEEROOOOOOOO!
Heero: I will kill you.
Relena: Okay!
Heero: What?
Relena: No matter what, I will be by your side.
Heero: Uh... okay.
Zechsilliardo: Hey, Treize, what day is it?
Treize: (Being sexually pleasured by about a thousand women) Um... Tuesday.
Zechsilliardo: (Looks at a callendar that he's pulled from seemingly nowhere) Oh, if it's Tuesday, I must be a villain. (Blows up Heavy ARMS)
Trowa: Owwwwwwww.
Treize: No, you're bad on Wednesdays.
Zechsilliardo: Oh yeah. That's right. (Blows up Mercurius)
Trowa: Owwwwwwww.
Heero: *Ahem!* I said, "I WILL SURVIVE!"
Everyone: Oh.
(Suddenly they all break out into a line dance and sing "I Will Survive")
END
*SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!* You just read a whole lot of spoilers.
_
Okay! You wanted it, I delivered! It's short, I know, but then again, so is Gundam Wing. I don't feel like writing anyways. I try E-Mailing people and like one out of every ten people responds (Thanks Escagirl). Catmaries sounds like she's getting more depressed by the day and it sounds like she has cancer or something (Check out her profile). Then I get good reviews on Dragonball Zero: Future Shock, but then NO reviews on Dragonball Zero: Eternal Struggle. I need reviews, wheether good or bad! Oh well. I have found a new hobby. Reading every piece of literature ever written by Ash the Wanderer. I love it all!
And also feel free to E-Mail me at superguymatt . I'm lonely. Someone hold me. Love me...
Oh yeah. What was it I do here again? Oh yeah, even though I'm depressed, I'm always up for a good...
BOOYA! - Matt Ryan