Torbjorn and Soldier 69: Chapter 1
It was a very ordinary day at Watchpoint Gibraltar. Nothing unusual was going on, and the brave heroes of Overwatch were just relaxing in the burning sun.
Three heroes in particular, Winston, Torbjorn, and Soldier76, were sunbathing on the cliffside, all of them dressed in nothing but their thongs. They were getting more and more tan by the minute, Torbjorn's thick, meaty body turning into one of a golden-skinned Greek God.
"This is a very calming day." Winston said, and then glanced over to Torbjorn. His eyes went wide as hell. "FUCk, Torbjorn! You are making me so horny with that sweet ass!"
"Sorry Winston you cannot rape my sweaty, gay asshole today!" Torbjorn said. "I have already taken the liberty of pounding my own ass with my hammer this morning!"
"Shut fuck up." Soldier76, who was very edgy and pissed off, said.
"Watch out, you sexy young lad." Torbjorn said. 'Being insulted is one of my fetishes, and sometimes I cannot stop myself from getting excessively horny."
"Yo, me too." Winston said, and they all laughed, except for Soldier76. He was too edgy for laughter. Plus he really fucking despised Torbjorn and Winston for obvious reasons. He was about to tell them to piss off when he was inteurpted by manic giggling.
"Oi, mates." Tracer said, blinking in front of the three sunbathing hunks. She was talking a mile a minute, practically frothing at the mouth, as if she was on some serious meth. "Get off your lazy asses real quick. I just went downstairs to make some coffee, like I do. Because I'm one of those people."
"A filthy homosexual." Soldier76 guessed.
"No, a Coffee Drinkers. But then, as I went to pour my coffee, I saw someone already using the Keurig. Guess who it was?"
"A filthy homosexual."
"No, it was fucking Cthulhu, Lord of Madness." Tracer said. "I was tryna just sneak past him, but then my mouth automatically made a smart comment about his ass, like I do, and he turned around and guess what he did."
"He-"
"No he turned around and fucking saw me. Then he said, 'What the fuck did you say about my ass little prick?' And I said, 'Nothin. Except for it's small and couldn't take my sixteen-foot dick for shit'. Then I started hearing distorted voices, you know, like I do, and I turn around and I see all the people that I've FUCKING MURDERED, just standing around, black goo spewin out their eyes and shit and then-"
"Tracer are you on fucking meth again?" Soldier76 asked.
"Just a little bit." Tracer twitched, and then hastily glanced behind her. She screamed. "Shit! It's Captain Blueballs, here to commit a little bit of Butt Piracy! Fuckin skedaddle, bitches!" She then teleported away, leaving Soldier76 alone with Torbjorn and Winston yet again. God damn it. He would rather hang out with a meth-addicted schizophrenic than the two retarded perverts lying next to him on the rocks. Unforutnately, Tracer's absence meant that Torbjorn was no longer scared for his life, so he opened his goddamn mouth again.
"I really love porn." He said, closing his eyes and taking a deep whiff of the sea air. "My favorite porn is gay Rick and Morty fanfiction. What about you, Winston?"
"I just… LOVe... LOvE… LOOOVE… penis!" Winston cried out, suddenly gripping his crotch with the might of a flakka-addicted woman saving her child from being crushed underneath the Scooby-Doo van. "Ooooh! Moist… penis! It feels so good on my swollen, chaffed… ASSHOLE!"
"Lord Tewaaraton above, just shut the fuck up you fat piece of fucking shit." Soldier76 said, really wishing he had brought his gun so he could've popped Winston's gay ass right there.
While they were arguing amongst themselves, little did they know that an enemy was approaching.
Before Soldier76's very eyes, fucking Cthulhu himself manifested in front of them, his dark aura of pure insanity nearly stopping Soldier76's already failing heart instantly. But Torbjorn and Winston was so engrossed in literally jacking off to their gay porn fantasies that they didn't notice the twenty-foot tall eldritch entity standing before them.
"Shit, Tracer wasn't as fucking insane as I thought." Soldier mused to himself, scratching his very light stubble. "What do you know."
"I am Cthulhu, Lord of Madness, Denizen of Despair." The octopus-headed fuck said, as if that meant dick.
"Fuck you, Cthulhu." Soldier growled. "I am trying to get tan and toned here, prick."
Torbjorn and Winston finally finished jacking off, cumming onto the rocks of Gibraltar's cliffs. The surface of the rock was so hot the cum instantly sizzled away and evaporated into the atmosphere. The atmosphere then became 800% more toxic than it already was. "Fuckin' hell, Wisnton!" Torbjorn cried, pulling up his metal thong. "That was my thirteenth favorite jerkin' off session I've had today!"
"Oh shit, Torbjorn!" Winston exclaimed, aiming a fat, sausage-like finger at Cthulhu, who was literally just standing there. Eve though his head was an octopus, he still managed to look horrified. "It's Cockthulhu!"
"My name is not Cockthulhu." Cthulhu said. "What the fuck is wrong with you."
"Oh, that must've been the newest fanfiction I read last night." Winston said. "It made me VERRRY horny."
"This is why I've come to fucking kill all of you." Cthulhu said.
"What?" Torbjorn said. It wasn't as if he hadn't heard what Cthulhu had said, he was just too retarded to comprehend it.
"Fuck this I'm out." Cthulhu said, shaking his head. "I was going to kill you but it's really not worth my damn time." Cthulhu then disappeared, leaving Eli Whitney, inventor of the Cotton Gin, standing in his place.
"Who the hell is this?" Torbjorn asked, scratching his dick.
"I am Eli Whitney, inventor of the Cotton Gin. I was hiding behind Cthulhu, hoping that you wouldn't notice me. But now that you have, I have to initiate my sinister plan."
"What's that?" Torbjorn asked, still scratching his dick.
"I will resurrect the Confederate Army and finally destroy the damn Union. They will rape and enslave millions and make them work my cotton gins. So much cotton will be ginned that it's fucking insane. But the only people standing in my way are you heroes in Overwatch."
"We will stop you, sinister villain Eli Whitney!" Winston announced, standing up to his full height of eight feet, and grabbing a fistful of his bulge. "I will personally-" Winston was interrupted when Eli Whitney pulled out a musket and blew Winston's head off. His face fucking exploded into millions of bloody pieces and splattered all over Torbjorn. Winston then collapsed, his headless body spewing blood everywhere.
"Fucky-wucky!" Torbjorn exclaimed. "Winston is dead!"
"Thank God." Soldier said with a sigh of relief.
"Now I will kill you both." Eli Whitney said, raising his rifled musket. But before he could fire, a fucking plane crashed into him and he fucking died.
"Shit." Torbjorn said. "It's Malaysia Flight 370! It's come home to Daddy!"
"Damn it." Soldier said, now more depressed and edgy than ever.
"Time for fucky-wucky with my BABY!" Torbjorn screeched, and then initiated violent sexual intercourse with Malaysia Flight 370. Like, not the people on it, or anything. The plane itself.
"Fuck it." Soldier said, and then tore off his thong. "Let's party."