I woke up on the floor, sweating. Another nightmare... This time, it was the faces of the soldiers we'd lost last week during a scouting mission on the outside. I had to distract myself from the tight knot I felt on my throat.
I knew how this all went. First, the nightmare; then, the knot; and lastly, the cold shivers. Trembling, I managed to wrap myself tightly with a rather warm blanket from the bed, lit a candle and made my way to the dark hallway which connected my quarters and the kitchen.
A number of doors ruptured the otherwise smooth finish of the stone walls, glowing in the flickering light I held with both hands. Passing through Erwin's room, I heard him talk in his sleep. Most likely something about next month's expedition though I couldn't make out any exact words. Always planning ahead. You never get any rest from duty... Hange's chambers were always quiet, compared to his, the only sound she ever made were slight grunts when dreaming about titans.
Up ahead were Captain Levi's own rooms and it didn't surprise me to see a faint glint coming from the keyhole, which create a slit of light on the opposite stone wall. Silently, I approached the the door and heard the sound of a brush scrubbing the floor. He's cleaning... again Every time something like this happened, his cleaning obsession grew a bit worse, more out of hand. It didn't show during the day or when he was with other people but, as the sun began to descend, he'd lose his control over it. Each night, I heard him, violently scrubbing the floor which was already spotless and I wanted to help.
Several times, I wanted to knock on the door and ask if he needed to talk or if he needed help but he was such a closed off person that it didn't feel right to just invade his privacy in a moment like that. I didn't have the guts to do that, basically. I shook these thoughts out of my head and carried on to the kitchen, still clutching the candle holder in my trembling hands.
Entering the stone hall, I quickly got to doing the only thing that gave me solace in times like these: tea. Grabbing a small pan, I filled it halfway with water and lit the stove on. I took out a mug and sat, looking at the dancing flames that kissed the dark metal. I shifted the stool a little closer to the fire, trying to escape the cold that had taken over my body, even though I had the blanket.
They were so young... so unexperienced... I just.. Why them? Why not me?! I didn't come here to sit and watch more people die while I couldn't do anything! 5 years here and we're not a single step closer to finding anything relevant... what even is the point in all this...? Fucking hell, I can't do anything right! The anniversary should be any day now... Is this how I'm honoring them...? I felt the tears overflowing and streaming down my cheeks and warming them up, staining the dark wool fabric of the blanket. The water made it's bubbling sound, signaling me to turn off the stove. I dried my face before I used the thick fabic of the blanket to clasp the metal pan
Pouring the steaming water into the mug, I opened one of the cabinets, looking for the tea tins. White.. linden... vervain... cammomile... ah, here it is, black. I filled the small metal strainer with the tiny leaves and dipped it into the clear liquid, inhaling the bitter odor coming from it. A shiver ran down my spine and I finally felt a bit more relaxed. Drinking tea soothe me whenever I had problems like this. A thought ran through my mind and I quickly grabbed another mug, preparing another cup of tea.
Making my way back to my room, I stopped just before I passed the captain's quarters. The light was still on but the brushing sound had ceased. Leaning against the dark wood, with closed eyes, searching the silence for any noise I could hear, a faint sound made it's way to the hallway. At first, I couldn't make out what was it that my ears were picking up but I held my breath when I realised that what I was hearing were the captain's silent sobs piercing the night air. Levi... is crying...?
The brushing sound overpowered the other as it began, appearing slower than before. It was now or never. Inhaling deeply, I knocked on the door.
No one answered at first. As my curled finger hit the smooth surface again, I let out a soft sight.
-Captain? - the brushing stopped when my voice broke the stillness in the air.
-Who is this? - his voice was cold and blunt, as usual.
-Martha, sir. I was just checking to see if everything was alright.
-It is, goodnight - he spat, from the other side.
-Captain... - I lightly sipped some tea and felt a bit warmer - I brought you a cup of tea.
-I didn't ask for any tea. Go to sleep, lieutenant! - his voice made it clear that I was disturbing so I stepped away from the door.
-I apologize then, captain. Goodnight, sorry for disturbing you. - I placed the steaming mug in front of his door and turned to face the hallway, clutching my mug firmly while I held the candle to see where I was going. Slowly, I made my way back to my cold room, having heard a faint sound resembling door hinges being opened but I couldn't be sure of that. At least, I tried...
Laying down on the bed, I pulled the covers up to my neck and looked at the stream of moonlight that the window let in, letting out a deep sigh. Levi and Erwin had been the first people from the Survey Corps I'd ever met. During the trial, I'd held up rather well against their scrutiny and commander Darius'. However, hadn't commander Pixis intervened in my favour, I'd probably still be in the Garrison or rather, in jail. That was 5 years ago... has it been that long? It seems like it was just yesterday...
When the Colossal Titan and the Armored Titan destroyed the gates and forced us to leave Wall Maria I thought it was the end... the weeks I'd roamed with half starved, half dead men from the Garrison, my kinsmen, until we finally reached Wall Rose were amongst the worse I'd ever experienced in my whole life. The hunger, the cold, the... fear. Seeing the dread spread on their faces whenever we heard a sound coming from the trees was something I hoped I'd never see agIain. Hadn't some of them killed eachother out of madness, I'd probably be dead as well, since the horses grew tired and couldn't carry us like they used to.
I managed to reach Wall Rose with five others, and told the guards who rescued us my name, before passing out on the middle of the street...
Before I knew it, the sun was starting to appear behind the trees around headquarters and I got up slowly, furrowing my brows to avoid the pain caused by the brightness of the morning light. I glaced at the calendar and my will to get out of bed drained from my body.
The anniversary... It's today... I should've known. The worst day of the year, the 5th year I'd live through this day, remembering every mistake I made, everyone who died, everything... The day Wall Maria was lost.
Putting my uniform on, I went to wash my face, catching a glimpse of me in the mirror. Let's get throught today quickly. I closed my door behind me and walked towards my office.