Captured
Because everyone is chained in someway…
Ed waves goodbye to Al, calling out that he'll be back later. After Ed is out of sight, his little brother starts to head back to their room, walking in long strides. Finally, he is alone and able to think about what has been bugging him for a while. Finally he can ponder and go through his problems. Sitting down on his hotel bed, he goes through the first one: his body.
Al looks at his body, at its metal luster, at the joints, at the object that replaced his real body. He listens to the sounds he makes as he moves: to the creaks as he bends, the clanging as his legs hit each other, to the heavy footsteps he makes. He touches other objects, not really feeling anything at all. His hand grows through the fire in the fireplace, but he doesn't feel warm. He tries to smell the roses outside their window, and smells nothing. He doesn't even know if he is making those motions, or if he is imagining it. Al tries to feel his face, trying to find something familiar, but there is nothing. And he feels even more alien and less human.
(Al shakes his metal head. He is human. Not some doll, some inhuman creature.)
However, it won't be like this forever, for his older brother promised him that he would be human again. That he wouldn't have to pretend to eat forever and will be able to taste apples and pies. That he doesn't have to watch his brother consume tasty treats that steam up, seeming warm and foreign to him. Soon, he won't have to politely refuse to eat meals that are made for him as a means of thanks.
(What did food taste like again? It was so long ago that he has forgotten.)
He was promised that he will be able to roll in the itchy grass and feel the rain on his skin. He will be able to feel warmth and cold; the heat from a hot summer day, the refreshing iciness of a lake. Al would be able to feel the sun beat on his skin and the wind blow through his hair. Softness, from a pillow and a cat's fur, along with hard things, like books and Winry's wrench, will soon be something he doesn't have to imagine any more.
(He could barely remember what his mother's embrace felt like. He thinks it was warm like a fire and soft like Winry's gaze.)
Most of all, Ed swore that Al would be able to do the actions that he used to do. That he will be able to laugh without having it echo through his body. That he will be able to dance and jump without hearing his body clang. That he will swim and run and do whatever he wants when he wants, like a normal boy.
(However, he doubts that he will actually do those things for those are the antics of the innocent. Something he hasn't been for a while.)
And Al believes his brother can do this, for Ed is strong and powerful and everything Al wishes he could be but isn't. And Ed wants to give him what he wants, and for Al that is his body.
However, Al also wants something else. Something that his brother won't give him, at least until Ed fulfills his promise. And this wish is something that is really important, something that Al wants more than anything else in the world. Even more than his body. Even more than his mother.
He wants his brother to be freehappysafe.
He doesn't want his brother to go around fighting homunculi, the very beings that will probably kill him one day. He doesn't want his brother to chase down clues that make him sink even deeper in chaos. He doesn't want his brother to get hurt while battling those who oppose their goal. Ed will keep fighting, fight the military even, just to find the cure to their problems. And one day all of his skills, all of his willpower, all of his strength won't be enough and he will fail. He will fall.
(Al tries to get that thought out of his head. After all, Ed is invincible.)
And that possible, future death isn't the worst of it, for everyone dies eventually. What is worst about this goal—this impossible dream—is that it will take time. Maybe years will pass before they get close. Maybe decades will go by before they finally succeed. And Ed will devote every second of that time to the journey. Ed will devote every breath to following the trail. Ed will sacrifice everything.
(Al knows this for sure. Ed already thinks they've lost everything, so what more is there to give up?)
True, they've lost most things, so there isn't much left to lose. But there are still some important things that Ed is throwing away. Things that he probably won't get back in a long time—if ever.
(And Al knows that Ed will regret this later, though he won't admit it.)
Ed is losing his dreams, his goals, his future. He might claim that finding the philosopher's stone is his goal or that his dream is to fix his little brother, but Al knows better. If Al didn't need to get fixed, Ed would probably have some other goal. He probably would have found some exciting job, traveling to places just for fun. He might have found some small job, lived in some town, and got married. None of those things can happen now, for he is stuck trying to save Al. And because he is spending a lot of effort on this, Al knows he won't give-up ever.
(Al feels like a chain binding his brother down—he didn't miss the looks Ed and Winry gave each other, the looks that revealed so many things.)
So Al doesn't tell Ed these things, these emotions, because Ed is Ed. Ed would just laugh him off, saying that Al is just paranoid. Ed would ignore Al's protests, saying that he doesn't regret trying to fix their bodies, for it was his fault anyways. Ed is practical, so he would say stop imagining a future that doesn't exist. Stop thinking of what could-have-been and think of what will be.
Al understands that there is no use in remorse over the past and things he cannot change. He also understands that nothing will deter Ed's determination. However, when he sees Ed joking and laughing, when he sees Ed getting bashed by Winry, when he hears Ed murmuring about home in his sleep, when sees him bloody and wounded, he just can't help it.
Sometimes, Al feels like a burden.
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A/N: Yeah…my first Full Metal Alchemist story….and it sucks…
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MY STORIES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL HOLLOW AND EMPTY,
(like Al is, but that is not the point)
THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO GIVE CLOSURE!
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Damn. And the title sucks too.
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sigh…
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