S is for Sita
By Dragon's Daughter 1980
(Written for the 2009 Summer Alphabet Challenge)
Disclaimer: Other than being a devoted fan, I have nothing to do with Numb3rs.
Author's Note: I had the fortune of studying the Ramayama in sixth grade. After the season finale, this piece demanded to be written. Special "thank you"s must go to Ely and Magister who beta-read this piece for me.
Spoiler Alert: Angels & Demons (Season 5 finale)
Amita, just start at the beginning, all right?
Amita knows that she should close her eyes and rest, but as soon as she does, she opens her eyes again. The warmth and comfort that surrounds her tells her that this is real: she's safe, wrapped up with love and tenderness, and tucked away from the world. Her body is tired and tugs her gently towards slumber and quiet dreams, but her mind still fights sleep, still afraid of the shadows that dance across the bedroom walls, still terrified of the monsters that lurk in the dark.
We were going out to dinner. They—they came out of nowhere.
It is fear that keeps her awake, irrational fear, she knows, and she feels like a fool to give her kidnapper and captor sway over her now, but it's her memories that keep her from staying in the present and letting go of the past. Like the bruises on her skin, the adrenaline rush has yet to fade, and she shivers in fear at the thought of having it all come down on her—the threats, the terror, the gun.
I thought they were going to kill me.
She shies away from the knowledge. It's enough to know what would have happened; she won't confront the memories she doesn't have, not tonight. Amita tugs the blankets, drawing them closer around her shoulder, trying to lock out her thoughts. She doesn't have much success.
Three—three days? He was watching me for…No, I didn't know. I didn't see him at all. I…
She wonders if she'll trust enough to let Charlie in, to tell him what he needs to know, and still know that he loves her as unconditionally as she loves him. She wonders if she'll be brave enough to pick up the phone tomorrow and call Megan and tell her everything and ask, woman to woman, if the tall confident, honey-haired ex-federal agent has ever been terrified of a man. She wonders if she will find the courage tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that, to ask Don if it's normal to hear phrases over and over again in her head, to replay the past on a continuous loop that she has to tear herself away from because something is nagging at her. It won't let her sleep.
I heard this story one time…..
Sometimes, Mason's voice leaks into her thoughts, taunting her with his lies and hallucinations. She doesn't believe his words, far from it, but for some reason, she can't run away from his voice, can't shake his shadow on her mind. She prays that he will fade with time and disappear into the nothingness of the past like a passing cloud on a summer's day. She shuts out the grating memory of his delusions and focuses instead on the sound of slow breaths in the quiet room, a soothing call of peace.
…about an Indian princess…
Sometimes, Mason's voice breaks through the firewalls that she's built around herself, but almost immediately, he's drowned out by the bubbling brook of her grandmother's voice, soft and constant, persistent and steady. Sometimes, what Amita can't get out of her head is the sound of her grandmother's words, recounting the Ramayana to a child who didn't listen. Half in Tamil, half in English, she never quite understood the complete story as her grandmother told it, but she understood the devotion of the king to his queen.
I heard this story one time, about an Indian princess, she gets herself kidnapped by some demon king.
Except Sita is not a mere Indian princess: she is a queen, the reincarnated consort Lakshmi to her husband's Vishnu, the Mother of the Universe to the Father of all Existence.
The story of Sita goes something like this:
Amita knows the Ramayana. Her grandmother would be proud.
Sita is the virtuous wife of Rama, a wrongfully exiled king in ancient India. Banished from their thrones for fourteen years, god and goddess, king and queen, husband and wife, wander the forests and rivers of a land long forgotten. On this journey, Rama spurns the advances of a rakshasa, a female demon. Insulted, the rakshasa goes to her brother Ravana, and persuades him to kidnap the beautiful Sita in revenge.
This is not her story. She knows this. The Ramayana is not her story. She wasn't chosen at random for kidnapping, but this is not her story. She is not Sita. There are too many truths that prevent this from being Sita's story. That tale is not hers to tell, even as she tells it.
Taken from her husband's side by force and locked away in Ravana's island fortress, Sita patiently waits for rescue while adamantly refusing Ravana's advances to become his wife. Rama, upon discovering the abduction, begins to assemble his allies to storm the demon lord's stronghold. In preparation for war, Rama sends Hanuman, King of the Monkeys, as a forward scout. While on this mission, Hanuman finds Sita and offers to aid in her escape. Sita refuses, choosing to wait for her husband to arrive and avenge her honor by killing her captors. She will not willingly touch any man but Rama.
She knows not one single person rescued her. Nikki is the one who slammed LAPD roadblocks in place. Liz is the one who stood anchor as hell broke loose. Colby is the one who captured their best lead. Alan is the one who answered the phone call. David is the one who forced Charlie to look closer. Larry is the one who unraveled the puzzle. Ian is the man who fired the shots that saved her from certain death. Don is the one who took her hand and led her away from that place. Charlie is the one who heard her and found her, but he did not act alone.
In the end, Ravana falls to Rama's sword and Sita is liberated from her captivity by her beloved husband.
Her family, all of them, rescued her. They will protect her, always.
That is the story of Sita, as she knows it, but Amita knows the story should not haunt her now. She is not Sita, caught in a demon's clutches. Not anymore.
What if I'm the one who's rescued you from the demon kingdom?
Ravana's intentions were never pure, and Amita knows this. A demon cannot rescue someone from a demonic prison of his own making. Her kidnapper never understood that Sita would have chosen death too, if the choice had been laid before her. He could waste all the air in the world, claiming to see, but he was blind to the knowledge that love can bind a woman to a steadfast path. Damsels in distress not of their own making, they may be, but there is a quiet strength in their patient vigils for liberation.
Charlie, I'm talking to you. I'm still here. Please, find me. I know you'll find me.
Sita was rescued by her husband and his army because she didn't have a choice, only to wait and pray for his arrival. Her Ravana and rakshasas were too many, too brutal for her to try anything. Help was too far away to summon, even if it could arrive. Hanuman was the messenger, the courier who told her to hold onto hope.
Amita had other options, other weapons besides her faith and patience. She found the strength to rescue herself from her Ravana and his rakshasas because she knew her Rama wasn't too far away. All she had to do was reach out to him through the vast network of fiber optic cables and wireless routers, and he would hear her, find her. He did, and he brought his army to storm Ravana's stronghold.
The story's over, Princess. You've been saved.
Charlie's never called her a princess, and she knows he never will, not after she tells him what happened. She's not a princess, and neither was Sita. One was a queen and the other is not. Her husband came for her with a sword of fire and an army of allies at his command. Her family came for her with heavy firepower and an army of determined federal agents. They were brought out of the darkness and into the light, surrounded and guarded by the fiercest of emotions: love.
Amita, sweetie, are you all right?
The story is over; she's safe now, but her mind still trembles at the shadows. She thinks of the nightmare she has survived, holding herself together with raw wits and nerve, and she ponders that perhaps Sita endured her captivity with the same fear and grace. If she is Sita in this story, then Mason must be Ravana and Charlie her Rama, with all the FBI agents who stormed the building as his allies, as Hanuman's people coming to rescue the beautiful queen, but she is not Sita, and even if the past three days has many parallels to Sita's story, this story is Amita's and Amita's alone.
Amita, will you marry me?
She sighs and shifts her weight on the mattress, sleep still eluding her. The protective arm around her waist tightens a little in response, but she still startles to hear Charlie ask gently, "Do you want to get up?"
"No," she tells him, reluctant to turn over and face him. She doesn't want to turn her back to the empty room. She wants him to stay with her, but not push. She can't find the words to say what needs to be said, but he seems to know, to understand what she can't say to him.
"Okay," he whispers before he presses a kiss to the back of her neck and settles down, pulling her closer to him. "Let me know if you want to talk."
"Charlie?"
"Yes?" With an effort of will, she turns to face him. One day, she will turn her back on the darkness again without glancing over her shoulder, without fear in her heart. Tonight is not that night, however, so she trembles in the night, but she is not alone. In the dim moonlight, she sees his expressive brown eyes watching her with love and concern. He is not a Rama of power and violence, but he is her Rama, and that is enough.
"I love you," she tells him, needing to say it again. He smiles contentedly at her, whispering, "I love you."
When she reaches up to touch his face, the thin band on her hand catches the moonlight and she seals his promise with a kiss. Sita and Rama are the equal halves on an eternal balance, King to Queen, Mother to Father, Husband to Wife. Just like Sita knew of Rama, Amita knows Charlie's vows will last a lifetime.
Reverently, he kisses the palm of her hand, his breath tickling her skin. "It's okay. Go to sleep."
She smiles at him and he smiles back, sadness in his eyes, but determination as well. He will keep watch over her for as long as she needs him to. He will be there for her, no matter what. That is his promise to her, the promise of a lifetime together.
Yes.
She has started at the beginning and come to the end of her story in order to begin anew. Each end is another beginning, and she will one day tell her story one day with courage and without fear. She's not completely all right now, but she will be, and she trusts in that future answer because hope, audacity and love have carried her this far and there's no reason to think they won't carry her even farther. She has people who support her, a home that shelters her, and a man who loves her. Whatever the storm that looms on the horizon, she knows she will weather the rain because she has a family who will protect her no matter what.
Yes, I will.