A/N; Thank you so very much to everyone who read my fics and everyone who reviewed them! They help me out so much and I help me write all this. n__n
My eyes. They always wander to him. Whatever I do, whatever I say – I just can't help but look at him, stare at him, love him. It can't be real. The way his deep blue eyes gleam with surreal light, the way his smile just seams to blanket the room in warmth. The light shade of pink that reaches to his ears when he blushes, the pale touch of his skin. Even to the crystalline tears that dare to fall from those ocean sapphires. I see all of that. I see the way they just call out to me. Alluring me. Capturing me. And all I can think of when I see this is that it can't be real. No. Nothing as beautiful as that could ever be real. This had to be all in my mind. This had to be a dream. Because, it was impossible.
When he takes my hand - that's all it takes. That's all it takes for my heart to scream out to me. Scream to me to grab him, hold him, never let him go and give him everything I have. Give everything to him – my heart, my love and my life. As long as it means he will stay with me and love me. My heart calls out and tells me to capture him like he captured me. Tells me to make him mine and never let the taste of pain touch his fragile heart again. But I can't. I won't. The cries that rage out of my heart; I want to ease them. Because every time they call out, I want to listen. I want to make him mine, to call him mine. I want to capture him and write my name in his heart so that he would love me – like I love him. But how can I? How can I tell him I would give him all that I have without him running away? How can I cry out him that I truly love him without him leaving me alone in this land of nothing? I cannot. So I will not. Because it's impossible for him to look at me the same if I listen to the pounding of my heart. Impossible.
I've seen him. I've seen him give up his life for others without a second thought. I've seen him jump into those pits of darkness, those fires of destruction – all to save another life. I've seen how he worries for me whenever I get a wound and how he rushes to my side whenever I get hurt, even though I usually don't. And then I think to myself, maybe there is a chance that he feels the same way I feel for him. But then I look again and my heart pangs with reality. Because he doesn't just care for me, he cares for everyone. I'm part of everyone. I'm not his everything. I'm just part of a crowd. He has a good heart. Anyone could see that. He's willing to protect people with his life. Yes, he has a good heart. A heart I will never make mine. So I think I am making all this up. No one could be as nice as that. No one could be as caring and as loving. I was making this up. It was impossible.
I'm in love with an idiot. A clumsy oaf that trips on anything that lays itself on the floor. He talks back, he can't fight. My idiot. But then I see him drop things. Anything. As long as he is holding it, it will fall from his hands. So I pray. I pray that he will not drop my heart. I pray he will not break it. Because he has my heart, all in the palm of his hands. He is clumsy yet in my eyes, he is graceful as well. And I think, impossible. A chorus sings in my mind. No, no, no. Impossible. No one could be clumsy and graceful. No.
All I hear is him. Just him. His voice is all that rings in my ears. That voice. The voice that calls out to me, luring me, haunting me and wrapping itself around me. I want it all for my own. I want it to be mine. He cries out for me, my name on his lips. And all I can think is that I need him. I only want him to call for me, only me. But all I can do is force myself to stop. Stop reaching out and trying to grab what I cannot have. Stop thinking about ways to trap his heart. Just stop. It's too painful now. This is a dream. This is an illusion. This is fake. No voice as beautiful as that could ever call my name. Stop thinking about it . Stop wishing for him to call only you, to cry out only to you. Stop before you break. I tell myself that everyday, every second. Because, it's impossible.
But then, I hear it. The words I thought would never escape his lips. The words I only heard him say in my dreams. I care for you. I like you. He mumbles them out to me and they grasp at my heart. There and then, I wanted to just pick him up and take him away so that no one could touch him. So that he could only be with me. Because my heart is filled with such relief and desire. But...the only thing that manages to come to mind was that this wasn't real. No, no, no, no, no. My mind chants endlessly. Impossible, impossible, impossible. He couldn't love me. He didn't love me. It was a lie. It had to be. So I pushed him away and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. And then, I felt my heart break. Because I managed to see is a flash of hurt on his face. I swore I would never let pain taint him ever again. I promised myself that. But I was the one who hurt him. In that instance, I made the light die from his eyes, I wiped away his smile, I took away his warmth. I broke his heart and I couldn't live with that. So I grabbed him. Took him in my arms and held him close. I tightened my grip on him and I listened to my heart. Never let go. Hold him. Make him yours. Capture him. Love him. This is real. Accept it. I listened to those words and felt his warm arms wrap around me. I couldn't help but smile as I did what I should have done – told him I loved him. A smile graced his lips and I felt that I finally had my everything. Because, this wasn't impossible. This was real. This was reality. No dream, do illusion. All real. Because this feeling couldn't exist in a dream. Merlin's warmth couldn't be fake. That was what was impossible.