DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Gossip Girl", just the specific world I choose to bring the characters into.

CHAPTER ONE:
Wish I'd stayed

I had turned all the lights off but my head still throbbed, a dull pain as if someone were playing the drums on the inside of my skull. My half-lidded eyes slid towards the door and I imagined what someone would say if they walked through it right now, their shocked gasps and careful whispers.

Blair Waldorf half naked on her bedroom floor ... well I never!

The heat of early July radiated through every wall in the penthouse and by mid-afternoon I had elected to strip down and lay on the cool surface of the hardwood. To pass the time I counted the ceiling tiles, the floor boards, my own breath.

I bit my lip, swallowing the remnants of breakfast that had crawled back up my throat. Whether it was the raw nerves, like electrical wires that stemmed from my fingertips, or the baby - at that point I didn't know.

I twisted my wedding band around my ring finger; it was fatter than it had been when the ring was first slipped onto it. Forever and always. The gold glinted dully in the shadows; the heavy curtains on the windows hidding most of the afternoon light.

There was a soft knock on the door; I turned my head, resting it on my bare elbow.

"Yes?"

"It almost time Ms. Blair" Dorota said through the oak, her heavy footsteps retreating as quickly as they came. Almost time.

A hundred and twenty days apart (give or take) and there he was, coming towards me at full speed. I got up slowly and pulled a pair of maternity pants over my waist - I detested them -hated the stretchy material that curved over my belly like another layer of flesh.

My hair hung in clumps around my shoulders, not glamorous, not even pretty. I hadn't decided whether or not my husband's arrival was of enough importance to me as I slipped on a shirt and walked into the bathroom.

Chuck had been traipsing through Europe for months with a phone call every couple of days, a few muffled "I miss you" phrases uttered through static and distance.

"I love you baby, I miss you."

I learned quickly that it was easier to be at school, to wander the NYU campus and stop in on Serena and Lily. The more he was gone and the further away he was from me – the easier it was to forget he was my husband, to lock away the love and tell myself that I didn't need it.

Somewhere in those months I found out about the pregnancy. I was so occupied, so full of reasons to not to think of my marriage that it was almost two months before I realized. It was a couple weeks before I saw a doctor and only two minutes to confirm my suspicions once I supplied a sample.

Things were strained between Chuck and me, like a piece of paper twisted and pulled from both sides, starting to tear. Every time he called, every second a silence formed between us, I would think of telling him. No one moment ever seemed right enough to interject.

Now, halfway through my fourth month, there was no hiding what was growing inside of me. My baby. My belly swelled outwards, as if I was six months pregnant rather than seventeen weeks and I bared the extra weight with a queasy smile. I was always sick enough to throw up, and tired enough to drift off to sleep during a meal.

It was almost exactly how I imagined being old would feel.

I decided against the shower, casting a dejected glance at the mirror as I brushed my teeth. The minty taste scrubbing away the stale eggs and toast that lingered on my taste buds. As Blair Waldorf I knew myself but as Blair Bass I was a blank slate of emotion, caught between the past and the present and all the memories that compressed themselves in the air.

I tried to concentrate on where Chuck might be, on the tarmac at JFK or maybe already outside of the building. I couldn't feel him anymore or know where he was, my senses had dulled to a fine powder.

I ran a brush through my hair, working all the knots out with nimble hands. Dorota walked into the bedroom just as I stepped into a dress, pulling it up my thighs as she held out a glass of water and two vitamins.

"Zip this up would you?" I gestured for her to come closer as I balled my hair up into my fist away from the nape of my neck. The glass clinked as she set it on the bedside table, the pre-natal vitamins carefully stacked next to it. The silver zipper slid to the top of my spine and rested there, a cold piece of metal against my pale skin.

Dorota waited patiently as I stared at my profile in the closet mirror, the dress I had chosen billowing over my body like gentle waves. I didn't need to tell him, my appearance would speak for itself like a picture - worth a thousand words at first glance. She held out the glass for me and I rolled my eyes like a child, swallowing the dry vitamins in one swift gulp, chased with cool water.

I fell into the couch cushions in the living-room, soon Serena would arrive, the cater waiters and the decorations. The penthouse would be braided in lights, tables covered in champagne glasses and swarming with friends. Chuck's "Surprise welcome home" party, and all I could think was that maybe he wouldn't be happy to be here, so unwelcome after all ...

I was in the middle of a garden on my knees in front of a small hole, a rusty shovel in my hands. The sun beat down on my back with the weight of early summer as I worked. I had been having this dream so often lately that I knew exactly what would happen next as I continued slicing at the damp soil with quick movements. It was a few minutes before I felt the panic, dropping the garden tool to the ground and clawing at the earth with my bare hands. I didn't know what I was looking for or hoping to uncover but I always came up empty handed. Sunburned and exhausted, I stood, looking at the garden that had transformed into a field of sunflowers reaching their giant petals towards the sun in thirst.

Someone was carefully shaking me, willing me out of the dream with solid hands placed squarely on my shoulders. I opened my eyes slowly to Serena, her face bent over my own.

"Blair?"

I grumbled, the throbbing headache was back. I struggled to prop myself on the pillows and realized that I wasn't in my bedroom, I was in the living room. I wedged my hand under myself and used all my might to shift into a comfortable sitting position, Serena stepped back and quickly retreated from the room. I turned to call after her - wondering why she had woken me up if she wasn't going to speak to me. Someone had placed a blanket over me earlier, it slid to the floor in a heap.

"Blair?" My breath hitched in my throat.

As the thick veil of sleep drifted away from me I came back into reality, wishing only to halt time at the exact moment that I started to recognize who was in front of me. For a split second I could see us just as Serena and Dorota were, huddled together and arching to hear what was happening. I reached instinctively to pull at my hair which I couldn't remember gathering into a bun. My cheeks flamed.

Chuck didn't say anything, he was waiting, his slender body straight against the cushions on the opposite couch.

Waiting for what? My hand fell to the crest of my stomach as I lifted my eyes to his own.

It was like breathing life into a faded memory, placing it's features back where they belonged. The curved mouth I still saw whenever I closed my eyes, the dark eyes that always searched for more.

"Charles ..." I started to pick at my wedding band, dropping my eyes to stare at it with feigned interest before realizing exactly what I was doing.

"I must have fallen asleep" I said with a yawn, "I apologize."

"Blair," He kept saying my name as if he were testing it against the air around us, sinking it into the atmosphere. I wanted him to stop looking at me like he was.

"What?" It came out with an edge I hadn't intended, what did he want from me?

"You're pregnant?"

I looked at my feet avoiding the obvious answer, prolonging the awkward pause that kept itself between us. The barrier that had grown steadily since we had said "I do." He pushed a hand through his hair, looking tired and confused. He wanted me to say something, to make this easier, to lead him to an understanding. I wasn't going to.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I squinted, why?

"There was never a right time"I breathed, adding after a minute, "what does it matter anyway?"

"I would have come back, I wouldn't have stayed away for the past four months," he said. His voice rose with the next words, "You don't have to do everything by yourself Blair."

"You were gone - I was here - it never occurred to me that I was doing anything by myself."

He stood quickly, rushing over to me in two long strides, kneeling at my feet. I didn't know to do or how to react, he was usually more careful about physical intimacy in front of others. Signs of vulnerability. Didn't he know that Serena was watching?

"I don't want to fight" he said against my thigh, "can I just be with my wife? I'm pretty sure she was here when I left, have you seen her?" He looked up at me as he said the last few words. I smiled - cupping his head in my hands - "Maybe."

"Waldorf" he smirked, raising to his feet and pressing his lips against my own. I breathed in his scent - stale cologne and the company jet mixed with a faint drop of scotch. I couldn't feel anything but his lips and the hum of excitement in the pit of my stomach that had managed to erase all my doubts as if we had just parted hours earlier instead of months.

XOXOXO

The guests would arrive soon, busting through the door and into our lives but neither of us cared. I was pliable under his gaze, it was like the sun had come out after a dreary winter and warmed me from my feet to the tips of my hair. In the back of my mind I hated him for it, the ease in which he slipped back into my heart as if he had never left. Chuck was used to this, the talent he had for dissolving all the bad parts with a smile.

We were on the bedspread, nose to nose, his hand cupping my stomach lovingly. I had just finished showing him the latest ultrasound which sat on the pillow in between us.

"I love you," he said. My heart beat fast, a rhythmic stream of anxiety at the words. I didn't question it, my reactions had been slightly off kilter since the pregnancy.

"I'm going to take time off - give the board a chance to hold the reins for a while." I released a breath as though this was what I had been waiting for, the cementing of our marriage, the hand outstretched to bridge the gap.

But instead I replied with, "why?" I wanted to bury my head in the blankets and stuff gauze in my mouth to keep from being an idiot. Since we had said good-bye I never gave much thought to what I wanted, the next step in a series of stairs, I had simply allowed the blanks to fill themselves with something. Just about every cell in my body was telling me to take this, to make the move on the gigantic chess board and yet I was hesitant.

Chuck moved his hand off my belly and propped himself on his elbow, wincing as though he was afraid I was going to disappear if he didn't hold me. He gazed down at me, my hair around my head in a halo of brunette curls, the pattern on my dress that hugged the body carrying his child.

"Having my baby,
What a lovely way of saying how much you love me,
Having my baby,
What a lovely way of saying what you're thinking of me"

I groaned quietly at him as he continued singing off key. If he needed to get it out of his system I would let it happen now - under the agreement that he would never utter Paul Anka in our bed again.

"I can see it, your face is glowing,
I can see it, in your eyes I'm happy you know it ..."

He was being so sincere and beautiful, a curve of hair fell onto his forehead as he serenaded me but I couldn't take it any longer. I pushed at his shoulder and the great Chuck Bass fell backwards with a thud, I let out a laugh.

He rolled onto my chest and I could feel his breath against my collarbone, breathing me in. They were long quiet gulps of air against my clothing as if I were merely the scent of a woman he loved.

I didn't know if this was the beginning of one thing and the end of another. I imagined myself on the shore, picking up the pieces and putting them into a box, rebuilding. I combed my fingers through his hair, he hadn't changed out of his suit or the paisley shirt that was now crumpled and stained.

"We're going to be a family" he said after a while "Blair, we're going to be parents."

He looked up at me softly, "I'm going to be a father."

And baby makes three.

XOXOXO

I sipped at my sparkling apple-juice, stealing glances at the front door as an Elton John song sailed through the penthouse. Serena was mouthing the words, her arm looped through my elbow, swaying along to the piano solo.

We hadn't said anything about Chuck, but I could see from the way she watched me that it was only a matter of time before I was pulled into a corner and forced to talk. My gaze skirted the room, everyone from NYU, the breakfast club, and the odd acquaintance had managed to fit into my house. Each guest had their own flute of genuine champagne and silver plate of appetizers as they laughed the night away.

I focused merely on making sure the sandwich I ate earlier remained exactly what it had become - digested.

Chuck had disappeared earlier to take a shower, emerging fresh faced from the bedroom with a bow-tie I didn't recognize glinting under the lights. The banner Erik and his new boyfriend had spent the afternoon making was secured to the ceiling in the middle of the room.

"Welcome home Chuck, congrats on the baby Bass!"

Everyone but me thought it was a sweet gesture. I wondered what he was thinking as he took it in, standing under it momentarily before making his way over to us.

Chuck's hand fell to the small of my back and Serena broke into a wide toothy grin. She slapped him on the shoulder, "Hey brother!"

"Hi sis," he gestured at the room, "I suppose you're the one to thank for all this?"

"Erik and Weston did most of the work, but Blair and I made the arrangements."

She lied for me. I had known about this for the past month and made absoloutley no effort to be included. I opened my mouth to say something and closed it.

Erik made his way over with two glasses of scotch, handing one of to Chuck in a half-embrace.

"Welcome home."

Chuck smirked, swirling the liquid around in its glass, "Thanks Erik."

"No problem, how was Paris?"

"Rainy," they both laughed at this and I scowled, nudging Serena in the ribs. It was time to find other entertainment, I didn't need to hear about my husband's European adventures - nor was I keen to.

"Blair," I looked from Serena to Erik who smiled widely at me, took a swig of alcohol and placed a hand to my belly, "how's the ballerina today?" Chuck's eyes watched me. I controlled my blush this time, falling into the familiarity of his attention with a quick smile.

"Jumpy" I replied, she had been kicking like crazy all night. It was the exhilaration of a party that kept her squirming, like popcorn kernels hitting the inside of my stomach with determination.

"Kicking?" Erik clarified, taking a longer sip of his drink. I could see my husband's face fall from the corner of my eye, it hadn't occurred to me to share in these moments with him just yet. I blinked and in a moment he had regained composure.

I nodded, pushing my hair away from my face and tucking it behind my ears.

"It's a girl?" Chuck asked, sipping at his own scotch and beginning to take on a brooding look. There were so many days he had missed out on, things I had wished I could capture in a jar and keep under my pillow that would never be fully explained through words. He was coming in on a story already a quarter of the way through. There was no one to blame really, did I regret the whole chain or just the individual actions?

If he had never left ...

If I had told him on the phone ...

None of it mattered. I could regret nothing, take nothing back, there was no where to go but forward.

Serena sensed the awkward pause and interjected, a little tipsy off the champagne, "B is absolutely convinced it's going to be a girl aren't you Blair?"

I wasn't convinced, I just knew. It was hard to explain to someone who hadn't been pregnant.

Erik patted Chuck on the shoulder, "I helped paint the nursery which I'm sure you'll be repainting several more times before the baby comes."

I winced. If either of them had been slightly less inebriated I hoped they would have been able to pick up on the way Chuck's mouth curved into an unfinished comma. I hadn't told him about the nursery yet ... but what a great way to let him know.

I sighed. Enveloping myself in Chuck and Blair was like translating a foreign language. Our love was a tricky game of slanted intention that left gaps and asked more questions than I had yet to know the answers to.

XOXOXO

I spoke idly to the guests that had made their way to the party, plastering on a feigned smile with every person that asked, "So, where is the man of the hour?"

I couldn't blame him, the small part inside of me that grew because of him forced me to understand how he was feeling. I was just urging him further down the path without so much as a map or the proper information on a way to figure it all out.

I stood in the hallway, trying to justify myself with the shock of it all - even though it really wasn't unexpected - I had known from the moment that he left when he would set foot in the doorway again. It was no surprise visit and nothing had ever been as organized and straight forward to me than his travel arrangements.

Home. Not home.

It was true that I had survived without Chuck, but it made all the difference in the world that he hadn't been there. It stung me to remember that he had left in the first place - the face of Bass Industries - which to him seemed more important than the honeymoon or his new wife.

I knew where he was, even if I couldn't feel him like I used to and I found my way to the nursery with quiet footsteps. I traced the doorframe with my fingers, I had converted one of the guestrooms off the master bedroom days after I came home from the doctor's office.

Chuck was looking out the window, sitting in the rocking chair that Eleanor had shipped over from Paris, the same one she used to rock me to sleep with.

"How many times have you painted?" He was lost in his own world, wondering, his cheek against the corner of the headrest as far away from me as he could situate himself.

I looked at the walls, the gentle green colour that reflected in my eyes and I took a step into the room.

"Four times," I said after a minute of silence, "first it was yellow, red, light brown and now this ..."

"Green?" He turned to me, his face partially hidden by the shadows of night.

I thought about it, biting the inside of my lip. It had felt right for the three weeks it had been this colour but I felt the approval slipping through my fingers like water as I walked along it, closer to where Chuck sat.

"I know, I think it needs to be re-painted," I said truthfully. I was in front of him now with my hand on the windowpane, watching the pedestrians below us as they walked up the street.

"Blair," he grabbed at my hand and turned me towards him as he edged his body off of the rocker, "I'm not going anywhere. I need you to know that .."

Did I know it really, was it what I needed to keep me at bay, to stop the same dream from running around in my head. Was I the sunflower begging for his attention, was he the thirst I craved? I jumped as the baby kicked, with an expert motion I flattened his palm on the crest of my belly.

Pop. pop.

He watched his hand in awe as if he wasn't certain that he could truly feel what he was feeling. I smiled, the flame inside of me burning brighter as he took me into his arms. We could re-build, forge truth out of the ashes and become something more than we had been, couldn't we?

"Forever and always," Chuck muttered into my ear. I was overcome with an unsteady happiness, which worked to assure me that the Parisian rain hadn't washed away our love after all.

Why did my instincts tell me otherwise?

TBC