August 4, 2013
Dear Olivia,
I've been thinking about you a lot and what you've done to deserve this. You haven't done anything to deserve what happened to you – it isn't fair, yet, here we are: you in a comatose state with machines keeping you alive and me in my living room writing a letter to you. I knew that you couldn't hear me if I talked to you, so I decided to write a letter to you instead. Just like in the movies, hey, Benson? So here we go, I will write to you every day until you wake up.
.
August 5, 2013
Dear Olivia,
You haven't woken up yet and your vitals haven't changed. Of course you know that but I just felt as though I needed to tell you.
I miss you Olivia, I really do. I don't just miss the way you were around me, but the way you were when you thought no one was looking; I miss the way you would lick the inside of your coffee lid before drinking your Latte. Honestly, I could list of everything that I miss about you, but, as you would say: "There is no point Cassidy, it's not as though I can hear you anyway." Is it wrong that I can hear your voice when I wrote that? Just come back to me one day Olivia, I don't care if it's in a day or a thousand, just come back to me.
.
August 20, 2013
Dear Olivia, I went down to the 16th precinct today. It rained when I was there, and do you know the first thing I noticed when the rain ended? Petrichor… your favorite smell. It was raining the first time I kissed you. Do you remember? I sure do. We were fighting, over something; I don't remember what we were fighting about now, but all I remember was that I kissed you that night and to my surprise, you kissed me back.
I still whisper, "Come back to bed, Liv," at night. It's almost as though my mind refuses to admit that you aren't coming home. I used that word again; the word you hated: home. I still don't understand why you hate that word; it's a stable word, a word that won't change no matter what happens. Maybe that's what you hate about it; the fact that it doesn't change. You like change. That's why you cut your hair short. Look at me will you? I'm rambling again.
.
August 31, 2013
Dear Olivia,
Fall has arrived. Fall was your favorite time of year wasn't it? Yeah, it was. I remember once—when we were in Australia (It was spring over there but I still think of it as fall)—you were sitting in a garden. You were just sitting there but you looked beautiful; serene and at peace. I think that was the only time that I ever saw you without a gun by your side. You looked normal; domestic, almost. Could you imagine that, us being domestic? Raising a child, watching them go to school and the like? We hardly ever spoke about children. I suppose we should have. That's what normal couples do isn't it? Talk about their future, their hopes and dreams? Well here is mine: in my dream-future, I see you waking up and marrying me. We'll go and save the world in our spare time. The married partners in crime: Olivia Cassidy. It has a nice ring to it doesn't it? Mrs. Brian Cassidy.
Olivia, come back please. The apartment is empty and cold without you; literally, I don't know how to fix the heating.
.
September 15, 2013
Dear Olivia,
Have you thought about my offer? You know, the question that I asked before you went on your mission. I still haven't forgotten; you thought I would, didn't you? I bet you thought that I would have found someone else by now as well, well, shame on you Olivia, me, unfaithful? You're not dead yet and I can't cheat on a girl who is in a coma! What do you take me for?
I got off topic.
Olivia, I asked you to marry me. An answer wouldn't be forgotten. Please Liv, all I'm asking for is a sign that you're still in that frail body of yours. God I barely recognize you anymore. I went to visit you today. Did you hear me? See me? Sense me? Anything? Your body is a shell of what it used to be, please come back to me. I would give up anything to see you again, just once more. I just want to see you; I just want to hold you. Just once more. Is that too much to ask? Just one more touch or one more kiss?
Will you look at that? My hands are shaking as I'm writing this. My hands never shake. Olivia I need you, you can't comprehend how hard it is to come home to an empty house and know that you're not coming home.
.
September 30, 2013
Dear Olivia,
I call your voicemail when I feel alone. Just the sound of your voice makes everything okay for that one moment. I'm sure that I can recite your voicemail off the top of my head now. It's almost been two months. Two months since you went off to save that little girl from the beast. Two months since I kissed you last, two months since we last touched. It seems a bit longer for me. It doesn't seem like an eternity has passed, but it definitely feels longer than two months.
I talked to the doctors today and they said that they don't expect you to recover soon. I don't understand. You didn't die, yet you're in a coma. Why can't you just wake up? Can't you will yourself to wake up or something? You're strong Olivia, stronger than most people. I know that you can just wake up; it's not that hard is it? It's not that hard to just wake up. Just open your eyes, that's all there is to it. Please, just for me, please just wake up. Even if it's just for a moment, please just open your eyes. So you can see what you're missing; you can see everyone again and maybe, just maybe, you can stay awake.
So wake up darling? Just for me, just wake up.
.
October 17, 2013
Dear Olivia,
It's very quiet in your precinct, and at home. Every once in a while I catch Nick glancing over at your desk with this look on his face. A look of worry and sorrow. I can tell Amanda looks over too, but she hides her feelings.
We all miss you. You're the glue that keeps everyone together. We need you.
.
October 31, 2013
Dear Olivia,
I almost died today. I'm actually in the hospital now as I write this to you. You see, going undercover a lot never gets easy. I took a hit but without you to comfort me this time.
I thought of you Liv. You were plastered in my mind as I was lying on the floor. I didn't care about dying or about the battle I only cared about you. Strange how that works isn't it?
.
November 15, 2013
Dear Olivia,
Happy Birthday. You always told me to never give you presents but I couldn't resist. I left your present by the side of your bed. You can open it when you wake up. Trust me, you'll love it.
.
December 25, 2013
Dear Olivia,
Merry Christmas! You should have seen the precinct today. All of the guys really went overboard with Christmas this year; it was amazing just how many Christmas lights they could fit on the building. It looked like a massive Christmas tree. We all brought presents for you; they're lying beside you for when you wake up. Is that an incentive for you to wake up to? Please wake up Olivia, please.
.
January 3, 2014
Dear Olivia,
You got worse today. Much worse. You're not only on a breathing apparatus, but also life support. The doctors don't know how much longer you've got left but they know it's not long. I've talked to Nick and even he doesn't have a remedy. It's all so frustrating! All of this over something that should've never happened. It's ridiculous, Olivia! I mean, how could someone escape prison so easily and attack instantly? Seems kind of ironic doesn't it? And do you want to know what the worst part is? You can't even die fighting, you'll just take your final breath one day and that's it. You're gone; no immortal words, no last kiss. You'll just die.
Then again, I suppose that's all there is. Death. It waits for all of us doesn't it? We are born to die and we live like we won't. Even if you die tomorrow Olivia, I just want you to know that you completed me. You really did. You made me see what I couldn't see and I made you see the beauty of living. The art of living, it was something neither of us could really master wasn't it?
Don't go just yet.
.
January 10, 2014
Dear Olivia,
You're still here. Thank you.
I love you; don't leave me.
.
January 11, 2014
Dear Olivia,
You're still breathing.
.
January 12, 2014
Dear Olivia,
The team and I came to visit you today. The flowers at the end of your bed were wilted and dead so we replaced them. We gave you Tea Roses this time; Amanda told us that in the language of the flowers they represented 'I'll remember you, Always.'
.
January 13, 2014
Dear Olivia,
It rained today again. It wasn't a light drizzle nor was it raining cats and dogs, it was just simple rain. How come the most things in our lives happen in the rain?
Our first kiss was in the rain, our first dance was in the rain. You're always different in the rain. I don't know what it is about you but your whole attitude changes, it's as though you are a completely different person. Your smile is just a little bit bigger and your hair seems just a little bit brighter. You've always been more relaxed in the rain and you let your guard down. The rain, for some reason, sets you free.
It was the rain that a thought occurred to me. It was simple though yet somewhat destructive. The thought was the truth. No matter how hard I wish, you're not coming back. I could give you all the flowers in all the worlds and you still wouldn't awake.
I'm not one for crying Liv, yet here I am, soaking wet, writing you this letter, and crying. I don't know what's worse; that I'm crying over the truth or that I can't tell the difference between my tears or the rain. Are the two really to similar?
Olivia, my hands are shaking and the paper is now so wet I can barely read my writing, normally your touch would calm me down, but you're not here are you? You're lying in a hospital with nothing but a blanket to keep you warm.
Hold on, Liv, I'm coming.
.
January 14, 2014
Dear Olivia,
I didn't visit you today and for that I'm sorry. Do you remember how you used to say that we were trained for monsters? Well I'm ready to dispute that. We were trained for everything; we were trained for killers, the worst of the worst and the like, but you know what? Emotions made us weaker. Yet, there we stood, amidst a battle with nothing on our minds except each other. Love is for children, you always said. Do you know what I think Olivia? I think that you said love is for children but you didn't believe it.
.
January 15, 2014
Dear Olivia,
We replaced the flowers with some Azalea's.
Azaleas: Take Care
.
January 16, 2014
Dear Olivia,
All is still silent at home. I went out to go buy your favorite meal when I came across brown and white rice. You never did answer me when I asked which one you'd prefer, so I decided to get them both.
I still remember hearing the slight anger in your voice from that phone call. I believe you were stressed but I don't remember.
.
January 17, 2014
Dear Olivia,
Nothing of significance happened today. You're not dead, nor am I. In the end, I suppose that's all that matters, is it not?
.
January 26, 2014
Dear Olivia,
I attended your funeral today. It was an array of black umbrellas and black cloths. Captain Cragen was the pastor and he did a good job at it. I told people you were my fiancé today, I hope you don't mind. If things had not have gone so poorly last year then I am sure you would have said yes, so I took it upon myself to slip your engagement ring on your finger before you were cremated.
It was a small funeral that was held in that garden in Australia. It was your favorite place in the world, you once said. I hope that hasn't changed in your coma.
Olivia, I didn't say anything about you at your farewell. I'm sorry. I wrote a eulogy and I couldn't get the words out. I just stood up there and cried; the page blurred and I couldn't read the words. You would've laughed at me, you really would have. Thankfully, Amanda came up and read out your eulogy for me with a hand on my shoulder. She said it beautifully, more beautifully than I would have said it. The thing I found funny at the funeral was that people were saying that you were "violently taken from this world," but you weren't. You were taken in your sleep, that's the most peaceful way to go. Did you feel pain? I'm sorry if you did- I really am. Pain was the last thing you needed. There was not a dry eye in the room. See Liv, people did care for you. They were all crying for you. Did you hear what I wrote for you? Were you in the room Olivia? Were you standing beside me? I need some sign that you're still here. Just some sign that you haven't left. You wouldn't leave me, would you? Olivia, it took me too many years to realize that I loved you and even more to ask you on a date. Olivia Benson, you made me want to be a better man than I was and you gave me something worth fighting for and now; I don't know what I'll do. 'Move on Brian,' you'd say if you were here, that's what you'd tell me to do isn't it? You'd tell me to move on with my life and keep going, maybe even love again. I don't see that happening. I loved you Olivia and I always will. It will always be you.
And do you know what Liv? Just one last thing before you go. It's raining outside.