Teddy is making his third cup of tea that night. He adds three lumps of sugar and stirs three times clockwise, three times counter-clockwise, then wanders into the living room of his cottage. He rests his tea on the coffee table, turns the handle of his mug right to face the window, then trots over to the light switch, which he flips on and off three times. He sits on the sofa and stretches, not feeling entirely relaxed, because there's a magazine on the coffee table. Said magazine is askew.
He straightens it, then lies back on the sofa again and lets his eyes slide shut, as he begins to contemplate a very very stressful day.
He works at the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures Department. He wanted to work with werewolves, for obvious reasons, but when he asked if there was any p-p-possibility of him getting a promotion... maybe... p-please? he was practically laughed out of his boss's office.
Today, his boss had asked him to draft up a new set of regulations on the keeping of Puffskeins as household pets. He problem was, Davis had stolen his ruler. And without his ruler, Teddy couldn't make sure the margin on his parchment was exactly three centimetres wide.
And when he asked Davis if he could, erm, have the ruler b-b-back, p-please? Davis snorted and threw one of those blasted paper aeroplanes at him.
Teddy put a complaint in with Martha from Staff Welfare (Oh for fucks... What do you want this time Lupin?) and got it back eventually. But after all that, he didn't have time to finish the new regulations and he was penalised. In front of everyone. Teddy could have died with the embarrassment. And of course, as it always happened when he was shouted at, he began to hyperventilate, his heart beat faster than a humming bird's and he had to lock himself in the cleaning supplies cupboard until he calmed down an hour and a half later.
Very stressful day indeed.
It was, however, very nice to relax after one, Teddy mused. He might have a bath. With Lilacs. And bubbles. And exactly thirty gallons of hot water.
He sighed and felt his shoulders unknot at the thought. He sat up with a start and a loud gasp. His shoulders tensing again and his heart beating painfully fast in his chest.
A bang on the door. Several very loud bangs on the door. Eight, to be exact.
"I'm coming! P-p-please stop banging!" Teddy called, leaping from the sofa. The banging did not cease until he opened the door (The bang count at sixteen now).
"Oh... Albus. What a nice surprise" Teddy said, smiling at the sneering youth on his doorstep. "Would you like to come in?"
"... have you seen the weather, you fuckwit? Of course I want to come in" Albus snapped, gesturing at the rain behind him. He pushes past Teddy and flops onto the sofa, kicking off his shoes and dumping the heavy bag on the ground. Teddy knocks on the door five times (Had to bring the number up to twenty one.) and closes it quietly.
Albus pouted on the sofa, scowling, his arms fold huffily across his chest.
"What's wrong Albus?" Teddy asked gently, crouching down in front of him. Albus' bottom lip juts. His t-shirt is wet and it clings to his frame.
"My parents are twats. And for the millionth time don't call me Albus. It's Al."
"B-but that's your name"
"It's a fucking idiotic name given to me by a... a sentimental old come stain"
"D-d-don't talk about your D-dad like that Albus" Teddy says, nearly sounding forceful.
"It's Al! For fucks sake!"
"Alright then Al. What has happened to cause you to be hammering on my door in the dead of night?"
"... It's nine o'clock."
"Yes, much too late to be breaking down my door now, isn't it?" Teddy says with a warning smile. Albus sneers.
"You, are a complete fucking dork, Teddy" he sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. "I ran away from home"
"What!" Teddy gasps. He'd tried running away from home before. Well, just that once. He was four and he'd made it down the garden path before he'd fallen down, skimmed his knees and ran back indoors. "What for!" he breaths. When Teddy ran away, he'd planned on going to Harry's house.
"They were being arse holes." Albus sniffs "See, they got new dress robes for James and Lily. But not for me. And I know it sounds stupid, but they're always ignoring me! Mum said it was just 'cause mine still fit me, but that's such a bull shit excuse because James doesn't even live with us any more" Albus pauses briefly to flick his hair out of his eyes "They always forget about me" he huffs. Teddy suppresses cocking an eyebrow. Albus is the apple of his parent's eye. Teddy knows it. The Weasleys all know it. Even poor James and Lily know it. Albus' lip quivers, Teddy is sure he's doing it on purpose.
"They just don't love me as much." He says dramatically. There are even tears in his eyes.
"Al... you know for a fact that's not true" Teddy sighs. He rests a hand on Albus' shoulder.
"I just... I think I need a break from them" he says, a fat tear rolling down his cheek. "Lily is so annoying. Always flaunting her perfect marks in my face and James and his bloody fucking acting career" He lets out a sob and looks Teddy right in the eye. "Do you think I c-could stay here for a couple of days?" and before Teddy even realises he's doing it, he feels a lump in his throat and he blurts
"Of course Albus, stay as long a you want" Albus lets out yet another sob, then flings his arms around Teddy.
Teddy does not feel Albus grin as he buries his face in Teddy's neck. Nor does he see evil flash in a pair of bright green eyes.
"Teddy... come on... you know he's only doing it to get a reaction out of me and Ginny" Harry says imploringly. Concern crinkling his forehead. Teddy feels his stomach twist with guilt. On the one hand, Harry is always right. Harry is Harry and can, therefore, do no wrong. On the other hand, poor Albus did seem genuinely distressed last night. Well... sort of.
"I don't know Harry... maybe... if he just stayed over for a few nights... so he can cool off, and..."
"But Teddy. He's up to something. I can feel it." Harry's eyes narrow "I love him Teddy, Merlin knows I do, but he's pure evil."
"Harry..." Teddy says desperately "P-p-please don't make me choose... I think he's really upset."
"Did he cry? He can do it on cue, you know." Harry says with a look that says, and I don't know whether to be amused or annoyed by him for it.
"He did cry b-but... he just seemed so upset... he hugged me" Teddy sighs, Harry gives him a funny look.
"Alright just... don't buy him anything... and don't let him manipulate you."
"Harry, he's n-not like that."
"Look, I do love him. But he's a Slytherin. They're all like that."
"So, what did Daddy say?" Albus smirks, stretching out on the sofa. The cushions are half pulled out and that darn magazine is askew again. Teddy straightens it and asks Albus to get up, so he can straighten the cushions. Albus scowls and stands.
"You never answered my question" he whines, nudging Teddy's backside with his foot as he bends to fix the sofa. Teddy almost falls forward.
"He's going to let you stay."
"Fan-fucking- tastic" Albus punches the air and grins. "I say we celebrate. Any decent pubs kicking around here?"
"I've n-no idea" Teddy says, begging to reorder his sofa.
"You've no idea?" Albus scowls. Teddy wonders what a sixteen year old wants with pubs in the first place.
"Nope. I must say, I d-d-don't think your p-parents would approve much of your drinking."
"I don't go to drink." He snorts "I go to pull!... So, where do you go to pull?" Albus asks
"I don't pull, Albus." Teddy says quietly. Albus looks dumbstruck.
"... What do you do about sex?"
"I...ah... I don't."
"... you're joking."
"I'm afraid I'm not."
"... Fucking hell..." Albus runs a hand through his hair. Albus looks like he's just been told Teddy has an inoperable brain tumour "How long has it been?"
"... I really d-d-d-don't want to t-talk about this." Teddy says primly. Albus looks sympathetic.
"Shit. That long, eh?" Albus pauses, his face indicating he's trying to work out how long a person could go with out sex without exploding. "... Weeks?" Teddy glances at him, blushes and sits on his neatly straightened sofa. "Months?" Albus exclaims. Teddy purses his lips. Albus' jaw drops "Please Teddy, please tell me you've fucked since Victoire dumped you!" Teddy folds his arms and taps his feet at intervals of three on the floor. He also resented the phase "Dumped" he was not dumped, he was jilted by an ungrateful harpy. "You haven't, have you?... Holy fuck mate..."
"Well! I... It... It's not that bad!"
"That's three years Teddy!" Albus declares, as if Teddy isn't painfully aware of this already. "I mean, it's been three weeks for me and I thought that was bad!"
"I... It's... It's not like I haven't had the opportunity." Teddy says. Which is a lie. A big fat lie.
"You didn't do it when you had the opportunity? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Nothing!"
"Can you not get it up, or something?"
"No!"
"Teddy... you can tell me mate, I-"
"There is a-absolutely n-n-nothing wrong with my... ah... ab-b-bility to p-p-perform. Alright?" Teddy snaps. Albus looks a little taken a back. Then he smirks and Teddy feels his inner prefect seize up. Nothing good ever came from that smirk.
"Alright!" The smirk widens, his eyebrows quirk up "Prove it"
"P-p-p-pardon?" Teddy feels his jaw slacken, he feels his insides seize up. He has a sudden image of Harry beating him to death with his own shoes.
"I said prove it" Albus leans close, mockingly so. His grin splits into a smirk and Teddy swallows.
"Albus... that would... no!" Teddy says forcefully. He even shoves Albus back.
"Christ all fucking mighty Teddy, there's no need to push" Albus huffs, stroking the spot on his chest
"I'm only a kid" he sneers "and on top of that, I was only kidding!"
"... I know... B-b-b-but you were making me uncomfortable." Teddy feels like he's had the wind knocked out of him. He so frequently forgets Albus is just a kid. As for him kidding... Albus should know fine well by now Teddy has no sense of humour.
"I know but... It is really funny, though."
"What is?"
"Making you uncomfortable." He giggles. Accept, it's not a sweet giggle, it's maniacal, it promises mischief and pranks and other horrific things that really freak Teddy out. "It's easy as well."
"Well." Teddy says. Nothing else to add. Just "well". Albus Snorts and claps him on the back.
"You're a right tosser, you know."
"I know" Teddy sighs. Adding mentally, and you're a spoilt git.
In the morning, Teddy finds Lily stepping out of his floo. Her white, freckled skin is framed by thick orange hair, cut into a neat bob. Her eyes are blue and cold, her face expressionless.
"Where is he." she says flatly.
"Still in bed, why?" Teddy replies, cleaning up the ash that has fallen onto his nice clean carpet.
"I'm going to bring him home." She says with a sigh, examining her nails.
"Did your parents send you?" Teddy asks. Maybe Harry would be round soon. Harry hadn't been round in a while.
"No, I came by myself." She says with a roll of her eyes. "So no, my Dad won't be round, before you ask. They're too easy on him. He always gets away with pulling stunts like this and I'm sick of it." she drawls coolly, still looking at her nails. "You shouldn't let him get away with it either, you'll only make him worse"
"What do you mean?"
"Theodore, for a remotely intelligent person, you can be incredibly dense." She sighs "Albus is essentially a two year old, desperately seeking attention. He has worked out that drawing on the walls with Mummy's lipstick and setting fire to Daddy's bed gets him a lot more attention than being a good boy. He has utilised this to maximum effect. Accept he isn't two anymore, he's sixteen. And now he's walking around the house wearing Mummy's lipstick and copulating on daddy's bed with whichever trollop or man slag he's dragged off the street that night."
"... He wears Ginny's lipstick?"
"On occasion. He prefers mine now." Lily's blank face shifts into a slight frown. "Apparently I have better taste."
"Ah." Lily looked him directly in the eye. There was always something about Lily that absolutely terrified him. She had been always been far more intelligent than most members of the family but it was starting to get eerie now. She was smarter than him. Her eyes look too knowing, too cynical for those belonging to a fourteen year old girl. Every word she utters is laced with cool logic or slight contempt. She has an unnerving ability to read people, to guess their motives.
The only person she has ever failed to read properly, has been Teddy.
And Teddy is sure she hates him for it.
On top of all this, she is, for all intents and purposes, a cold, hard bitch.
Teddy wonders how someone like Harry could have produced this icy demon spawn. It's probably Ginny's influence.
Her frosty gaze penetrates Teddy's, it makes him flinch and want to be very far away.
"I suggest you wake him." She commands. Teddy doesn't need to be told twice. He scampers down through the living room down, to the hallway, where he knocks on the door of the guest bedroom (three times).
"Whazza?" came a muffled cry.
"Aah Albus... your sssist-t-ter is here to see you."
"Tell her I'm not here."
"But she knows you are."
"Tell her to go fuck herself with that stick she's got rammed up her arse."
"I can't d-d-do that" Teddy purses his lips and flips a nearby light switch. Albus growls
"Tell her I'm dead. I died in the night from lack of sex. My bollocks blew up and I drowned in my own spunk."
"... Right-o." Teddy wandered back into the living room, wanting to do nothing more than cower from Lily, stood tall with impatient hand on her hips. "Um... He's not feeling too well right now, you-" Lily rolls her eyes and shoves past him, muttering. She hammers on Albus' door.
"Albus." She says firmly, hammering again. At least she hammers three times before snapping her brother's name. One, two, three "Albus." One, two, three "Albus" One, two, three-
"What?" the door swings open. Albus scowls down at his sister, who merely lifts a brow.
"Stop acting like a child." She says coolly "Come home. Mum and her incessant whining are beginning to grate on my nerves."
"No." Albus huffs, stomping his foot on the floor.
"Come on." Says Lily calmly, taking hold of his wrist.
"No!" He whinges, stomping again. Lily merely raises an eyebrow.
"Don't be a baby." she warns.
"Don't be a baby!" Albus repeats in a high pitched mocking voice. Teddy retreats further into the living room when Lily's ears turn red.
"... You won't walk straight for a week once we're back at Hogwarts." Albus slams his door in her face. She glares and turns on her heel and takes a handful of floo powder.
"Have you ever seen me lose my temper, Theodore?" she asks, suddenly. "I mean, really lose it?"
"... j-j-j-just the once" Teddy says ruefully. It was James' Ninth birthday. He still has the scars.
"You remember it then?"
"Yes. Quite clearly." More specifically, he remembers fire, fire and baby animals and screaming. Sometimes, late at night he would awake in a cold sweat, the screams still ringing in his ears, the smell of hay and burning hair and fur in his nostrils and he would-
"I don't imagine you'd want me loosing it again" Teddy nods. The corners of her mouth quirk slightly
"You still wake up sometimes, don't you? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs."
"Yes."
"And you think, if you can look after poor Albus, you could make them stop don't you?"
"Um..."
"Because when you save little Albus, that's one lamb you might've saved."
"... N-n-none of the lambs died though, Lily, some of them had p-p-pretty b-bad b-b-burns, but otherwise-"
"And when you've save that Lamb, Albus, when you've taken care of him, you think you won't wake up in the dark ever again to that awful screaming of the lambs."
"... Not really, no."
"... shut up." she says, with a surprising Albus like pout, she throws the floo powder into the fire and steps inside, calling her address. Just as she is swallowed by the emerald flames, she says "Do tell me Theodore, when the Lambs stop screaming."
"Lily frightens me." Teddy says, nibbling on his finger nails, as he and Albus eat breakfast; he'll have to file them later.
"She's such a freak" Albus scoffs "A massive one."
"Freak isn't a n-n-nice word."
"Freak. Freak, freak, freak." Albus spits with a self satisfied smirk.
"Could you say it t-t-twice more p-please?" Teddy asks, his insides clench, his mouth goes dry.
"No"
"Please Albus. Just... P-p-please."
"...Nu uh."
"ALBUS. PLEASE. SAY THE WORD. TWICE MORE." Teddy says, rather louder than he intended to. Albus flinches when teddy leaps dramatically from his seat at the kitchen table.
"Fucking hell!" He shakes his head, an evil grin splitting his face. "Alright then. I will. If you blow me."
"P-p-p-pardon me?" Teddy's mouth really is bone dry now. He may vomit.
"Blow me and I'll say the word twice more." Albus says nonchalantly, evil smirk still all over his face.
"This... that... IT'SNOTFAIRTOT-T-T-T-T-TAKEAD-D-D-DVANTAGEOFM-M-M-MYMENT-T-T-T-TALILLNESS." Teddy blurts. He's flustered. He can't speak with punctuation when he's flustered.
"Ted, mate, homosexuality isn't a mental illness." Says Albus in a condescending voice, patting Teddy on the hand. Teddy snatched his hand away.
"I WAS REFFERING TO- I AM NOT... JUST SAY THE WORDS."
"Blow me."
"SAY IT."
"Blow me."
"NO! I'M NOT- I'M... NO! B-B... P-p-p-p-p-p-p" The word isn't going to come out, Teddy is left spitting and stammering and twitching and turning redder and redder and redder before Albus rolls his eyes.
"Oh for fucks sake. Fine. Freak Freak." Teddy breathes a sigh of relief and sinks to the floor. "You still have to blow me" Albus says, with an evil evil giggle as he hops up from his seat, into his bedroom.
Teddy is left to calm down. Catch his breath. Bang his head against the wall at intervals of three.