IANTO'S LOG

by deetatarant

Run's parralelle to Jack's....The Welsh certainly know how to gossip! Referes to some events pre series one and my own stories...99percent canon....

1. Chapter 1

NEW ENTRY: This has just been the weirdest day. I went to the job interview at Torchwood. The building is so tall you can't see the top of it and when you walk in through the door, there's gorgeous Lisa Hallet gazing right at you. I was so distracted by the thought of her that I didn't realise they were asking me questions about UFOs and aliens during my interview. It was like being grilled by Mulder and Scully. They probably thought I was a bit thick because when they asked why I wanted the job I said being greeted by the sexy receptionist every morning was worth taking any job they had going. The crazy thing being they asked me if I could start on Monday and before engaging my brain and actually thinking about it I said yes. So I start on Monday. Lisa was dead chuffed when I got back down to reception and told her. We're going on a date on Saturday night.

Floor 27 here I come! I still don't know what Torchwood does after all that. I do know I am going to be doing internet research and I had to sign some secrets disclaimer thing and I am not allowed to tell anyone what I am doing, not even my Mam. She won't like that one bit. Anyway I went to the library and went on line to check them out. Alien conspiracy stuff and general paranoia seems to surround them but there wasn't any specific information about the institute itself. God only knows what I am letting myself in for. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to Monday and really excited about Saturdays date with Lisa. I expect the job will be a dead loss, but 15k a year will be nice.

NEW ENTRY: Had a fantastic date with Lisa! We just walked along the South Bank and stopped off at a couple bars along the way. It was really nice because we talked about so much, even Wales. It was such a lot of fun and she wasn't too freaked out by my sense of humour either. Being the perfect gentleman that I am too I walked her all the way home to Brixton and then got the night bus back to my digs. I can't wait to see her again.

The first day at work was a bit of a shock. For a start I was very nearly late because of the useless London underground. I then had to sign about fifty sheets of paper (Didn't read them either!). I had my fingerprints done, a blood test, my eyeballs scanned (That Hurt!). You name it. I'm surprised they didn't put a scope up my backside. I then got a tour of the floor where I'll be working, shown the fire exits, alarm procedures, health and safety at work spiel. The place is like a fortress. I've got my own desk with grey partitions round it so I can't see any one else and I guess there must be at least fifty others like it around mine. They had me learning all the log ons and the company software stuff in the afternoon. Pretty easy really. Bang on 5:30pm the computer automatically logs you out and it's time to go home. So everyone piles out and it's like a cattle run for the elevators. Same thing tomorrow I guess. Lisa and I are meeting up tomorrow night; she's got her evening class tonight, she's learning French. I also got given a £500 clothing voucher thing for MnS as they expect me in posh suits. I don't mind especially as I am not paying for it. Lisa said she's going to help me chose some things at the weekend. I did notice everyone looked pretty pinstriped to me.

I rang Mam too. She's very excited for me. I promised her I would try my best to stick with this job. I don't suppose I will last long. I usually manage to piss some one off. She sent me some money through the post so I told her she had to stop doing that. Her NHS pension is pretty small and she can't afford it now Dad's gone. I miss Dad so much; he always put every thing right. If I make it to pay day I will move out of this dump, sharing a room with a bunch of smelly hobos is not so funny.

NEW ENTRY: Lisa asked me to move in with her. I'm like: Oh my God she really does like me!!!!! I think the whole Valentine's Day thing went to her head. I took her to see Romeo and Juliet in Stratford Upon Avon, did the whole hotel thing up there then we trained it back down to London this morning for work. Yes Mam I am still employed. So I am moving to sunny Brixton. I'll tell Mam about that tonight, Lisa is just the best thing. She's magic. We always laugh together. Work is ok too. I'm just doing research, not allowed to even write about it in here but it is actually interesting and I am learning loads each day, but I've not got a clue as to why I am doing it. No one seems to get their instructions explained to them. MR Johnson (the Boss) reckons I'm a natural though and he's put me on to do some higher level stuff already. I've only been there for 6 weeks. Lisa was pleased when I told her. Apparently there are four Torchwood offices one here in London, one in Scotland (Glasgow I think), one in Cardiff!!!! Of all the random places and number four has disappeared (Yeah that made sense I don't think!). George was telling me all this in the staff restaurant at lunchtime. He said that the Cardiff branch was recruiting but its leader doesn't get on too well with London Operations. Apparently he's a bit of a weird bloke with an RAF fetish. I think George was under the impression that I'd actually want to go back to Cardiff for some reason.

Sean asked me to pick up a couple of motors for him too. I was a bit nervous about turning him down, but he said it was cool and he was pleased that one of us was staying honest. He's been my best mate since leaving school and he thought I was the best getting done for shop lifting, my Mam wasn't the happiest though when I did that. Torchwood didn't seem to care about my 'form'. I told Lisa about it when we first met, she thought it was hilarious.

NEW ENTRY: Mam's birthday. Send flowers and phone her up.

NEW ENTRY: Lisa's Birthday. Bellisimo!

NEW ENTRY: Another weird day at work. All the alarms went off just before lunch so we had to evacuate the building. George was telling me all the way down the fire escape about how this happens all the time and that I'll get used to it. He said they'd probably had an escapee alien on the lose. I thought he was joking until we were all subjected to some serious scanning as we left the building. There were heaps of troops with masked faces and large guns. We stood outside for three hours in the pouring rain and then got told to go home. Lucky I'd just put my coat on really otherwise Lisa and I would've been walking back to Brixton.

Anyway finishing early meant that Lisa and me got to go out for a meal before going to see a film; she's into French movies so we went to see one in Bayswater. It was dead sexy, with loads of full on porn really with the odd line of French dialogue thrown in. I was pretty turned on by the end of it. Lisa was really embarrassed so I made fun of her all the way home and when we got back we tried out some of the moves we'd seen in the film- which was great! Lisa is so cool; she's up for anything. I love that about her.

NEW ENTRY: George didn't turn up for work today. I asked MR Johnson if he was ill and he told me that George had been fired. I was a bit gob smacked actually.

NEW ENTRY: Dad's Birthday. I rang Mam and we both bawled our eyes out.

NEW ENTRY: I got promoted! Well sort of. I'm still a junior researcher but now I've got higher security clearance because I've passed my six-month probationary. God I can't believe it's been that long. Anyway it's a bit more interesting. I've been moved to another floor too, got a bigger desk right next to the coffee machine (Not a good place to put me really). Best thing, three grand pay rise from the end of this month, which means Lisa and I can afford to go on holiday and I can take Mam away from Cardiff for a few days.

Lisa and me – it just gets better and better, just when I think it can't she goes and does something new and amazing and I love her so much. She's coming home with me to meet my Mam and I'm going to meet her parents too, I'm really nervous about it. I've never been to Swansea either, bit embarrassed about that. I can't imagine life with out her and even not being at Torchwood would be weird now. This is the longest I've ever been in a job!

NEW ENTRY: Very hung over. Very, very hung over. Have spent the whole week logging weather patterns in the Arctic, really interesting. I didn't know snow could be so…..interesting.

Mam came to visit so Lisa and me took her to see The Lion King. She loved that. Just popped her back on the train yesterday and Lisa and I went out and got hammered in Brixton with the other girls from Torchwood reception. That was loads of fun but Gina puked up all over the platform at Brixton Tube and got us all thrown out so we had to stagger up the Stockwell Road to get her on the night bus back home. Lisa and I? Still magic. I love every moment of our time together. We're going to look for a flat to buy nearer ' The Tower' so we don't have the commute thing everyday. I quite like 'Yuppie Central' but it's really expensive. Our combined salaries are pretty good though and I made the decision to sign the two-year contract I was offered last week. I can't believe it! I am so domestic and I'm such an office boy, feel naked without my tie. Mam's dead chuffed and I've never been this happy before in my life. Lisa passed her first French exam too. I am so proud of her. I am starting Japanese at Westminster College next month for work. They said I might get sent out there for a spell, as there is talk of opening up offices in Tokyo. Lisa's more excited about that than I am. We're going to Brittany in September, camping…..God I haven't done since I was six with my Mam and Dad. That should be a laugh.

NEW ENTRY: Sean got arrested because of his dodgy motors. I had to go to the police station last night with some stuff for him because he's going to prison until the whole thing goes to court. It was a bit of a shock and he was looking pretty worried about the whole thing. I suppose it was only a matter of time really, he said he wouldn't tell them about my involvement of months ago. Thank god really otherwise I'd lose my job, but I am pretty worried about him some of the guys in prison are bad I don't want him coming out worse than he was when he went in. Of course Lisa knows about it all because I told her when we first started going out. I'm sure Torchwood know thinking about it when I realise how much access they have to things like CCTV networks. It has made me realise just how little of my life is truly my own. They do seem to know everything. I told Sean to tell the police as much as he could so he could hopefully plea for a lighter sentence. Either way I think he'll be locked up for a while. I shall visit of course.

I still can't believe that I really don't know who Torchwood actually are. They are certainly not attached to the Government or to UNIT, which is kind've like the X-Files branch of the military. I've done my homework and still there's not much external information out there. I've been checking up on the different people Like Yvonne and Captain Harkness and Archiebold Connor. They are all a bit of a mystery. Jack Harkness's name has appeared on a couple of conspiracy chat room sites but I do not actively get involved as such things can be traced too easily. I never do any of it from home either. I think I've used almost every library computer in London. I've found stuff on Ebay too. People selling Alien artefacts. I can't believe there are such things, but there was that incident in London a while back when a ship crashed into Parliament. Lisa isn't bothered; she just loves the reception job. She met the RAF guy, Captain Harkness a couple of weeks back and he apparently tried chatting her up, but she reckoned he was gay (Like everyone else in Cardiff!) so I think that put her off a bit. Apparently one of their operatives went buggo the night of the millennium celebrations and shot everyone except Harkness and then shot himself and four years later they've still got vacancies because no one wants to go there and Harkness who then took charge won't take anyone on from the London office. I still wonder what it's all about though. I've often seen armed troops around the place and the times we've had to evacuate the building you never see the fire brigade or the police turn up.

I'm being moved to basement level three next week. Not so much of a promotion. They have assigned me to work with one specific person. I've got higher level clearance again and access to the labs now but I am still researching and doing data collating and compiling charts and running analysis programs and stuff. It's very interesting but I am getting a bit of a belly so Lisa and I have both signed up to a Gym. My new boss is a woman professor who is completely barking. I am having to learn stuff about quantum physics and astometrics, cool and the first day she took me into this big room with a giant ball in it. Apparently she's one of 3 people assigned to studying it. Anyway it freaked me out to be honest. It was like looking at nothing and feeling like there was a gap in your soul and I was very glad to get out of there. Hopefully I don't have to go back in.

Anyway more importantly Lisa and I had a wonderful trip to France even if it was wet and cold being snuggled up in a sleeping bag with Lisa every night, yeah that was good. I am madly in love with her. My whole world is Lisa, Torchwood, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa and Torchwood. God we're even going to the company X- mas do together in a few weeks. Mam thinks it's wonderful. We're going to Wales for Christmas and doing the whole Family thing, I am really looking forward to it.

NEW ENTRY: I'm off work for a few days. The Torchwood medical officer thingy has written a certificate for a week. It's the first time I've had to take time off since I started there. I'm still reeling from what happened, never dreamed I'd ever be held hostage. I can't believe how incredibly useless I was. First I freeze, and then I go and pass out. How embarrassing is that?! Good job I'm not in the army or anything really, can you imagine that? I know one thing I've never been so scared but even weirder still was being quite exhilarated by the whole experience and feeling totally wired. I was told I'd come down from that in a couple of days. My cheekbone is fractured from when he punched me so I look like I've a melon in my mouth. Poor Lisa though, she was very upset and has been very affectionate. I'm not going to tell Mam though. I think it might upset her too much.

I wonder who that guy actually was. I can't believe they shot him when he had a gun pointed at my head. Made me feel really wanted. I don't think the Torchwood soldiers would've cared one way or the other about what would happen to me. That doesn't inspire me with confidence and if that truly was the case….I don't really want to think about that.

NEW ENTRY: Mam's 65th birthday. Send loads of flowers! They were right about the coming down bit from the hostage experience. I started having nightmares and feeling depressed over the last few days. Lisa looks after me loads. I'm still a bit nervous at work. We had an alarm go off and had to evac the building again. I got a bit wobbly on my feet, but Brendan clocked it and he kept me talking as we made our way outside. I feel like I've changed. I'm laughing a whole lot less lately. I am being put on to firearms training next week. I asked them, in case something like that happens again and to my amazement it was approved.

NEW ENTRY: Lisa's birthday. We had a fab night out and an even better one at home after.

NEW ENTRY: There's been this thing on the news over the last few weeks about people seeing ghosts. There have been sightings pretty much everywhere around the world. I woke up yesterday morning to hear Lisa screaming because there was one in the bathroom of our flat. The whole thing is very strange and I find myself rather worried by it all. Torchwood has been on high alert for weeks now and since this ghost business started it's got worse. I've been helping Brendan collate the reports that are coming in. The timings for the sightings are dead odd. It's almost regular, in fact it is. I have a very bad feeling about it. I got sent down to 'The sphere Room' the other day to hand the latest sets of data to Dr Raj. It's the first time I've been in there for ages, quite frankly I was fucking glad to get out again.

NEW ENTRY: Spent to day feeling sick. I saw one the ghosts for myself yesterday. It frightened the life out of me, mostly because the one thing it didn't look like was a proper ghost. I saw my Dad once the day after he died and I knew what it was because I could feel it's presence as well as see him, but these things it's like looking at smoke, they don't give off anything emotional at all. I rang Mam and she told me that she had seen Dad again in the house almost everyday over the last few weeks. I told her to stay away from him and that it wasn't Dad. I know she won't believe me about that but she did tell me that she would be careful.

Have had to pull double shifts at work, not in the office either. They sent me down to the tech workshop to help with the data analysis from the sphere that they can't figure out. I had to go back into that room again this morning and ended up being sick after I came out. I had to miss lunch so I rang Lisa and we chatted for 10 minutes on my coffee break. Feeling a bit better now.

NEW ENTRY: I got Lisa stable at last. I managed to scavenge a boot load of equipment from Canary Wharf last night. Thank God Lisa is conscious. I don't know how she knows what I should do but I don't care I've just got to help her. I rang Mam and she's on her way over from Cardiff. I'm going to pick her up later today. I didn't tell her the full extent of Lisa's injuries.

Lisa told me to assemble a cyber conversion unit and connect it all up to the medical apparatus that I stole last night, but I have to go back to Canary Wharf again. It's a nightmare getting past the police though my ID is still getting me onto the site. I nearly ran into Jack Harkness and Dr Sato last night so I will have to be more careful.

This has just been horrific. I am so scared and tired. I daredn't sleep in case Lisa has more problems. I've been chewing pro plus tablets and drinking industrial strength coffee to keep awake. Poor Lisa she's been in so much pain. Twice I've had to resuscitate her until I got her plugged into the adapted respirator and now I just don't know what else to do. I only hope that Mam won't be so freaked out by Lisa's appearance that she'll help. I am relying on her really. I know what Lisa looks like….I can't even bring myself to say it. She is still my Lisa and I am sitting here beside her as I write this knowing how much I love her and I can't believe when I look at her that she's isn't still my girl. I know I can trust Mam. Anyone else especially in Torchwood or UNIT would have her killed on the spot. The conversion process started on Lisa is nowhere near complete and I believe she can be mended I have to try for both our sakes. I just have to keep her safe until I can find some one who will know how to fix her that we can trust.

NEW ENTRY: Mam was a bit shocked when she saw Lisa, but it only took her a moment to recover herself and get on. Just keeping Lisa alive has been hard enough but now Mam's here I can go out and track down more of the things I need to help her. Lisa and Mam worked out a list so I am back at Canary Wharf tonight and possibly may have to try to get into UNIT HQ. I don't know what I'll do if Lisa doesn't make it. She told me to go to Cardiff and hook up with the Torchwood people there. Reckoned they would be willing to help us. I can't risk that. Regardless of how Jack Harkness runs things at the Cardiff office he's still Torchwood and Lisa would be a threat as far as they are concerned. One thing though, if I am going to keep Lisa alive and get her unhooked from the cyber gear I will need access to their facilities. I can't see any other way round it. I know they have huge archive vaults below ground so there will some where down there I can set up a space for Lisa. It's just getting in there. Maybe I should just try the direct approach and see if they'll recruit me.

NEW ENTRY: Rang Mam to let her know that I'd made contact with Captain Harkness, (Didn't realise the guy was a yank!). I decided it was better to spy on the Cardiff team for a bit to try and get a measure of how they operate. I'm not optimistic, Harkness seems a bit gung ho to me. I'm going to confront Harkness tomorrow now I know where he exits from out of the Cardiff depot. He's a bit odd actually. I thought everyone back in the London office was joking but he really does dress in period military that is so gay. Saying that when I met him earlier tonight he was single handily tackling a very pissed off weevil, brave, stupid or just showing off because he realised I was watching him? I'm not sure. He's quite the dashing hero to look at if you're into Biggles that is. I know they need an administrator at their office so I just have to convince Harkness I'm the man for the job, even if it means shagging the boss to get in there (Got the impression he wouldn't refuse if I offered.).

NEW ENTRY: Rang Mam, Lisa's holding on OK. My attempt at impromptu recruitment failed pretty spectacularly. He did like the coffee though. He's not going to be easy to convince. I guess its plan B now. I'll have to use the rift activity scanner and intercept him on one of his field ops (Maybe get there before the Torchwood guys do and show them how useful I am). This is going to get ridiculous. Lisa is in danger I don't have time to fuck about. If this doesn't work I will just have to bite the bullet and ask for their help.

NEW ENTRY: Well Plan B worked. Truth is I had fun running about after a rogue dinosaur. I almost forgot for a moment why I was there. I came THAT close to kissing Jack Harkness. The guy is……I don't have the right words. I looked straight into his face and met the gaze of someone centuries old. I understood him in that second and I just wanted him so much in that instant, and then it was gone. My barriers came back and Lisa was all I could think of. I just walked away from him trying not to bawl my eyes out and I truthfully don't know whether it was because of him, or Lisa or both or everything. It was like having the universe pour into my head. When I finally stopped shaking back at Mam's house I rang her to tell that we'll be able to move Lisa back to Cardiff in a couple of weeks. Mam held the phone for Lisa so we could talk. It was so good to hear her voice.

NEW ENTRY: My first day at Torchwood Cardiff. Jack introduces me as the new administrator. Dr Harper didn't seem overly impressed with my arrival. Jack showed me around gave me heaps of paperwork to fill out and once again I had blood taken, my eyes scanned and finger prints done (Just like last time!). I spent the afternoon on the firing range demonstrating that I am actually quite a good shot. I just hate guns. Jack I think was a bit surprised that I knew what I was doing and I explained that I had been put through a pile of training after my hostage experience. We spent the rest of the day in his excuse for an office going through what he wanted me to do here, starting with sorting out the messy database and properly archiving everything in storage here. Oh yes, I'm also responsible for feeding the dinosaur, making the coffee and cleaning up.

They seem a bit of a weird bunch. I know they are all specialists in different fields and looking around 'The Hub' as they call it one can see that nothing much else gets done because it is a mess. Suzie, Owen and Toshiko the other ones who work here went home at 6pm (A great rarity in their line of work!) so I decided (With Jack's approval and assistance) to clean the place up.

It's the first step to helping Lisa and one I don't have to take again. I've never felt so lonely in my life.

NEW ENTRY: It must be nearly two months since I last wrote in this. Lisa's been stable since Mam and I installed her in the vaults here. It's been so frightening making everything happen with out the others finding out what I am doing. I've become pretty adept at covering my tracks. But the truth is none of them have a reason not to trust me. I've been doing everything asked of me from cleaning the toilets to disposing of bodies and I've done it well. Jack thanked me the other day and not for the first time. Dr Harper just calls me tea boy and actually had the audacity to suggest that Jack and I were shagging on the quiet. I wanted to punch his lights out.

The gang here have been rather pre occupied by this weird glove that they fished out of the harbour, it was found with a dagger thing made of the same metal. Jack handed it to me this morning so I could photograph it for the database. I nearly dropped it because it made me feel unwell. Suzie seems to think the knife and glove work together somehow. It looks like it has come off a suit of armour of some kind.

Jack introduced me to the rift manipulator device that sits in the base of the water tower. He basically said never to touch it with out his say so, but he's been explaining the basics of how it works and plans on showing how to do all the maintenance and diagnostics as it's the one thing in the Hub we must be most careful of. Of course it is all about altering time and it occur to me that I could use this device to help Lisa. Perhaps help me to go back and save her before the Cybermen took her. Jack was very explicit about how dangerous the device was and I half wondered if he knew something of what I was thinking about doing. Truth is as much as I love Lisa I can't risk hurting others to save her. What I am doing now is bad enough. Having to lie for a start off. Having to alter CCTV records and create faults. I didn't tell her about the time rift. She's been ok since being in the basement. Now I know what to do with all the medical equipment I've been able to manage looking after her.

Jack's been very friendly. I think he's got a bit of a thing for me actually. Toshiko's nice too. I don't really fit in though. They are often out doing stuff so I am always left here to get on. I feel like I am on the outside of everything. I want to talk about my life and Lisa but I can't. I think Jack senses that I am feeling lonely and on edge all the time. He tries to get me to talk to him about things but I just clam up every time. I realise all I am, is Lisa. Somewhere along the way since Canary Wharf I've lost sight of Ianto Jones. I've lost my hope and my humour. Mam asked not along ago what had happened to her little boy. I sometimes think I died when the Cybermen came. I cannot reconcile any of it when every time I look and see what they have done to my Lisa. She is amazing, she has held on to life far better than I have. Right now I still feel overwhelmingly lonely. I want to hold my beautiful girl in my arms and be held by her. Maybe one day.

NEW ENTRY: I've been doing all the accounts this week, which has meant spending almost all of the time with Jack in the boardroom. The accounts are pretty messy because no one likes doing them. I wonder where the money comes from to run this place. Jack wouldn't tell me when I asked but he did tell me everything had to be accounted for. He was very chatty and cheerful all week which was kind've nice but I just kept my head down and got on and saying yes sir in the right places. I think he was just trying hard to get me to talk and I really wanted to. I like him a lot, possibly more than I should. I can't deny that I am attracted to him and I feel guilty about those feelings with Lisa the way she is. I half wondered about telling him until last night. They had caught a nostrovite and it was terminated without preamble. I am fed up with lying and hiding things. The truth is these are good people. I would trust all of them with my own life, just not with Lisa's. My Dad would be turning in his grave. He hated lies above anything else.

NEW ENTRY: Losing Suzie has been a bit of a shock. Not least of which is finding out she murdered three people before blowing her own brains out. None of us had any idea what she was doing. I suppose we all have our secrets. Jack was knocked sideways. I didn't think anything could upset him. He sat talking to me last night about it. Why me? I feel like I'm becoming his agony aunt. He asked what I thought of Gwen. I him told a couple of home truths, that he needed her human, normal perspective on things which basically lead him to asking how I was with all this stuff going on because I never say anything. I said that I was fine and right there and then came this overwhelming urge to just hold him and I didn't. It was obvious he needed something from me and I couldn't give it. I told him we needed Gwen to remind us who Torchwood is really there to protect and that we would be stupid not to bring her in. I think Jack knew that anyway, he just needed to hear it. Tosh and Owen just get on with their work like Suzie was never here. I didn't really feel anything for Suzie. I helped Jack deal with her corpse then he asked me to leave him there in the morgue. I just kept thinking about Lisa and I sneaked off down to the basement to sit with her for a while. I half wonder if she and I will end up in that morgue one day. I just want my Lisa back, whole and beautiful again. I'd love to see her smile. I want so much for her and I know now that I would die for her if that is what it will take.

NEW ENTRY: Jack has been kind to me since I arrived. I know he cares and not just about me. I think Gwen will help him see things in a better light. The brief time that I've known her, she seems ok. Jack had me break into her flat to bug her phone. He's worried about security risks, ie Gwen talking to her boyfriend. I don't think it's required. Gwen strikes me as being pretty clued up.

Jack found me sitting on the couch last night wiping tears off my face because I'd been crying. I thought he was in his office. Unfortunately he sat down beside me and asked what was wrong. I lied, just said I was tired and still had moments when I got upset about Lisa (Not entirely untrue really). He held my hand and we both just sat there for ages in silence. I got the impression he wanted to talk but I just kept my mouth shut and wished he would go away. I am horribly mixed up in my feelings toward him. I have settled into this role of butler and confidant. He's asked me to help co ordinate things with this secret medical facility he runs that cares for victims of the rift. Apparently this rift not only dumps things on us, but it's taken people away and sometimes they come back 'changed' as Jack put it. I'm not to tell the others though. He says they are not ready to know with everything else they have to deal with. I said I'd do it so late last night we took a boat out there (It's on an island, can't say where) and he introduced me to the staff and some of the less damaged patients. I was pretty upset on the way back to the HUB. Jack said that's why he wanted me to do it, because of my compassion and quiet efficiency. All I could think about was Lisa and what she is going through and for the first time I found myself wondering if I'm doing the right thing keeping her alive in the state she is in. When we got back I shut myself in the loo with the pretence of boat sickness and bawled my eyes out again.

It's Mam's birthday today too and I forgot, for the first time ever. I was mortified when I remembered. She keeps telling me everything will be all right and I am finding less and less a belief in that. I also keep getting calls from the bank because I am £3000 in the red. It's buying the drugs for Lisa and all the other stuff I've needed to help her. I've still not found any one who can help us either. I don't know what to do.

NEW ENTRY: I made contact with a man in Osaka who is coming over here to see Lisa. He said he would work for nothing, as he just wants the chance to study the cyber technology. He emailed me his credentials to my fake address. I did a sneaky check on him via the MOD and UNIT databases, looks promising too. But I had to hurriedly cover my tracks as Tosh came in. Anyway this Dr Tanizaki is coming over to the UK in a few days and when I told Mam she said she'd organise a nice hotel for him, as I can no longer use my debit and credit cards. I told Lisa, it was wonderful to see hope in her eyes after so long. It's been months since either of us hoped for anything. I sat up all night with her reading Jayne Eyre (Lisa loves that book). Jack was asking me this morning why I hadn't gone home last night and why I was looking so tired. So I lied once again. I told him I had spent most of the night looking at the archives and fell asleep in a chair in one of the storage rooms. Thank fully there's no CCTV down there. I hate the lies. He really does care about me I know that but I still can't bring myself to trust him and tell him what I am doing. I love Lisa so much and I know that Torchwood policy would never allow for her to live. I know I can save her. Thank God for Mam, she has been my saviour and I am so glad I haven't had to lie to her as well.

There's little else to say really. Gwen has settled in really well here. Jack was furious with Owen for interfering in the Edwin Morgan business and after everyone had gone home Jack and I once again were sat talking in his office this time. He kept asking if I was ok because I was quiet and keeping out of everyone's way. And I said I was fine (Again). He then asked me if he'd upset me in any way, which caught me off guard really. Of course I said he hadn't and quickly changed the subject to petty cash receipts. It just felt really awkward and I am sure Jack knows something is up, but I think he believes it's something to do with him and it isn't. It was just the worst moment ever because I wanted so much to talk and it must've shown on my face. Jack having to go out to check on some UFO sighting saved the moment. I half wonder if he knows I am hiding more than just my feelings from him. I care about him. He sort of looks after me and appreciates what I do here.

NEW ENTRY: Jack cleaned up the appalling mess in the basement, my mess. Lisa, Annie and Dr Tanizaki are all dead because of me. He sent the others away. He was kneeling next to me and holding me and I just hated him so much and I didn't want him to let go either. I don't know how long we were there but eventually he brought me to my senses enough to get me up on my feet and walk me back to the autopsy room. I think Owen gave me a sedative because when I woke up I was cleaned up and Jack was sitting there looking at me. He was so mad, but mostly he was upset. We didn't speak to each other than for him to tell me he was going to drive me home. The others just stared at me as Jack escorted me out of the hub.

NEW ENTRY: Lisa's been gone a couple of weeks now. Jack came to my house last Monday to ask if I was coming back to work. He's very angry with me, and I have a part of me that doesn't care because that part hates him so much I wish I could kill him. Everything hurts. Poor Mam, she's been so loving. How can I make up for what I have done? Allowing Lisa to go through all that suffering, having the arrogance to believe that I could save her. Then Annie and Dr Tanizaki dead. I am responsible for all three of them. I never thought guilt could feel so awful as this.

Gwen rang me up a couple of days ago to ask if I was ok and if I needed anything and Jack has called everyday, just briefly to check in with me. I will go back to Torchwood, though I am amazed that Jack didn't just fire me and dose me up with enough Retcon to send me back into puberty. I went back to the Hub last Tuesday, just for half a day with the initial intention of clearing my desk. I walked in and the first person I saw was Jack staring down at me from the window of the boardroom. I don't know what it was but something passed between us and I realised then that I couldn't leave and I don't mean Torchwood, I mean him. I know he's right about moving on and sooner or later I will do that. Gwen came down the stairs from the boardroom and gave me a hug and told me everything would be ok. It doesn't feel like it will be. I did think about taking the Retcon option, but the idea of drugging my mother is just not on. I can't do that to her. She has stood by me all this time. I owe her greater respect than to just wipe it away with a pill. I shall give the bottle back to Jack. I am not really ready to face him yet. I am so confused about my feelings toward him. Hate, anger, and love: They all come to mind, but then I feel those things about myself too. I never believed anything could hurt this much, haven't ever felt pain like it. I wish I could just stop, but I know I cannot. Something Jack said about making Lisa's death count for something. I owe her that much at least. I know I can be useful at Torchwood. Truth is I couldn't go back to a normal life now after everything……

NEW ENTRY: I found Jack crying in his office last night. I don't think he noticed me actually because I quickly went away. I'd only just finished the death certificate for Estelle while Jack had been putting her in the morgue. I felt a bit awkward seeing him like that. Perhaps he's a human being after all. Letting that little girl, Jasmin, go to those faery things hasn't helped. Her mother apparently really laid into him and Owen, Tosh and Gwen all yelled at him when they got back here. That's Torchwood for you. It seems to destroy everything it touches. I didn't find enough compassion in me to comfort him so I just left him there. My Mam is going to take Moses the cat; he's a nice cat actually. My nerves are so raw and all I can still think about is Lisa and…..well all of that. Mam's pleased I came back to work, she is so good to me. I think Jack has been too long without that kind of love in his life. I'm sure he knows it too. The others are still weary of me. Gwen's been making an effort to make me feel more at ease but Owen still keeps giving me dirty looks. He made some snide comment about Jack and me this morning, like anything is happening. It never will, I can't imagine that I will forgive Jack.

NEW ENTRY: We're heading out into the country later this morning to investigate some missing persons. Jack wants me along. He said I needed to be integrated into the team a bit more and for once be allowed out of the Hub. I've been getting all the gear organised and Jack and I loaded up the SUV as he was explaining all this.

He had me organising another patient for the rift victim's hospital at 3am this morning. A girl, she's been missing from Cardiff for over a year. Poor thing was in a bad way. She'll be taken care of now at least but Jack wouldn't let me contact her family. He said they'd never cope or be able to understand and she certainly won't be able to leave the hospital. He told me that if the family don't know then they still have some hope, he doesn't want to take that away from them. It doesn't seem right to me, but I am just doing as I am told. I think Jack cares too much and sometimes I can see it really does break his heart when he can't fix things. At least he still trusts me. I didn't think he ever would again. I am not angry with him any more. I suppose in some ways I am beginning to see things the way he does. Some things just cannot be mended. I know it's a lesson I've learnt. It's now 6am and no time to go home and sleep before we head off. Maybe I can doze off in the back of the SUV for a bit. Though probably not it's pretty uncomfortable with three of us in the back with all the gear. And I bet Owen will insist on driving and Jack NEVER sits in the back!

NEW ENTRY: I agree with Owen. The countryside is definitely home to an entirely different species of human. I can't cope with this job. They were going to eat me for fucks sake. How screwed up is that? I can't tell Mam about things like that: the terrible evil that exists in us, and the appalling things that we do to each other. We don't need protecting from Aliens; we need protection from one another. I will never forget that man's face so long as I live and I thought I had seen some bad stuff in my time. It's just too much. Tosh and I talked about it all the way home. She thanked me for trying to get her out. I was trying to save us both, but I was pretty useless really. The whole thing was horrible and now I realise for the first time what the others have to deal with out there every day. Jack apologised for dragging me out there on this one though. Even he was shocked into silence when we were driving back to the Hub.

I couldn't go home when we got back. Jack sent the others off and told them to take a day off. I just felt contaminated by it all and I didn't want Mam to see me in the shocking state I was in. I downed four bottles of beer and fell asleep on the couch. I didn't feel too good when I woke up either. Jack was there when I came round and after I got cleaned up he drove me home and told me to take a few days off. Of course Mam was at the door and she dragged Jack into the house and made him tea and cakes. It was rather funny actually because my Mam can be very determined and she kept asking Jack if he was looking after me properly and was I eating my lunch etc. Very embarrassing for me. Jack just sat there smiling and reassuring her that I was doing just fine ma'am. My Mam's a real talker though and it was over an hour before I could convince her to let him leave. I saw him to the front door with profuse apologies and he just smiled at me and kissed me before leaving. Yep he kissed me and not just briefly on the cheek or anything. We had a full on snog which kind've surprised me because I actually responded to it by kissing him back. I am not really sure how I feel about that.

NEW ENTRY: Well I took my two days off and came back into work feeling thoroughly depressed. That feeling of rodents knowing at my innards has come back. Tosh seemed a bit distracted today. Mind you I must seem like that most of the time. Jack and Owen liked the Chilean coffee I brought in so I think I've finally found something that everyone likes. Owen actually thanked me. Have been tidying up the archives with Gwen this afternoon. There's mountains of it to go through, but it was nice because we don't often talk and today we did.

NEW ENTRY: This is just the craziest most fucked up thing in the universe. I just can't believe what I have seen over the last couple of days. It's one thing dragging that glove out again. But Suzie? I can't get my head around what she did. I think of all the secrets I kept, but she must've been planning what she did for months. Why she felt she had to murder her own Father and my God, poor Gwen. I am so on edge and wound up again. Jack was devastated when he figured out that Suzie had orchestrated the whole thing and I suppose it is that whole betrayal thing all over again. That was a bit of a double whammy really. After I'd dealt with Suzie's body Jack sent the others home. We sat talking in his office for a bit then I filed all the paperwork. It was a bit of a strange moment really. Jack and I. We had sex in his office. I must be insane. Those bloody pheromones of his! I mean I suppose we were always going to at some point, but now it's happened….I don't know. It was wonderful to be held and to feel something so intensely amazing I thought my heart was going to burst. It's been so long. We both just needed to do it. I'm still hurting, physically that is. I wasn't expecting that, but the truth is that pain is making me feel so alive right now. Jack was so careful with me too. He's not the first guy I've shagged. Perhaps that's the thing with us, all this time of not saying anything. I am so close to him now and I still can't bring myself to tell him that because I feel guilty about it so soon after Lisa. I think he just wants to be Jack when I am with him instead of Captain Jack as it were. I am finally trusting him with my feelings because I see how alone he really is. Everything for him will fade and die and that must be terrible to live with. I think I love him, but I am so weary of that because even now I am still grieving for Lisa. I've been so depressed some days and Jack has pulled me through every time. I finally understand that all he really wants to do is protect us, all of us not only from without but from within. He is so deeply affected by the rest of us. I realise too that we are all he has. Truth is he is all I have except Mam of course. I would have given up on living without her to save me. I don't know what is going to happen with Jack and I. I don't want things to become awkward between us whilst we are working together. He assured me it wouldn't. Perhaps that's it now, we've got it out of our systems so to speak. Tomorrow morning I'll go into the Hub and we'll be embarrassed about it.

NEW ENTRY: I arrived at the Hub this morning to find Jack and Owen emptying buckets of water from the autopsy room. Apparently Owen rather enthusiastically repositioned the exam couch and took out a water pipe. They were both cursing the Victorian plumbing and Jack pleaded with me to sort it out by the end of the day so he could turn the water back on. We all had lunch together in the pub to get away from the mess which I have to sort out. It was quite a lively occasion and I think we all enjoyed the chance to kick back and relax a bit and tease Owen something rotten. This afternoon I put on my plumbers hat only to discover that so much of the pipe work was falling apart that I could not fix it myself as I really had no idea where to start. Jack pulled a face at that one and threw a yellow pages at me.

I am now waiting for a proper plumber to arrive via my little tourist kiosk. Retcon on stand by.

NEW ENTRY: It's been a fabulously quiet week where all I have done is learn stuff from the other members of the team. Jack and Tosh teaching me tech stuff, Owen gave me a crash course in Trauma medicine and Gwen and I just sat and gossiped at every opportunity. I know my place here now. I am here to support the others, not lead or direct, just be there. Jack did tell the others that I was no longer on cleaning duties and should be treated as a fellow agent and not 'the office boy'. He then pinned up a Hub cleaning duty roster on his office door. Owen was not impressed. I'm pretty much in charge of all of our admin now and of course dealing with the rift victim's hospital (RVH). Mam reckons I am so much better now, says I look happier. I think that's true, but I still don't seem to have found my humour. Jack and I were talking into the early hours again. He says he's really glad that I stayed on and seemed to be healing well. He said something else too, which rather worried me. He thinks something bad is coming. He calls Torchwood the last line, sometimes the only line of defence this planet has. I told him that I thought the world would end when all those DALEK things showed up at Canary Wharf. He told me about his own encounter with the DALEKS and how he had died, properly died, and then woke up immortal. He said he wants to see his doctor so he can become mortal again, because he is tired. I asked him if he was truly afraid of dying for real and he said he was more afraid of living forever and losing sight of all those precious moments in a mortal life that he just doesn't see anymore. Of course I had to ask if that included falling in love. He said the worst bit is losing the ones you love because you can't die when they can. We started kissing each other at the point and before either of us realised it…well. It was just as amazing second time round and much more fun too. He's really quite playful. I had no idea things would go this way between us. I mean I knew we'd end up shagging each other, but I think there's a lot more to it than that.

I finally cleared my bank overdraft. That's a relief, just the CC to pay off now. Hopefully another few months and I'll be out of debt.

NEW ENTRY: Jack called me at 5 am and asked me to get a Taxi out to John Ellis' old house. When I got there I found out he's gassed himself in my car with petrol fumes. Jack drove him back to the Hub whilst I brought the SUV back. Jack was pretty upset and he didn't say a word while the two of us prepped his body for the morgue and put what few things he had into an archive box. It was very sad. Jack had tried so hard to help him and give him comfort and John seemed like such a decent man. I suppose sometimes there are things that can't be made to feel better no matter what we do. I didn't get to know John that much but he and Jack seemed to be able to relate to each other. That whole out of their time thing. Jack being unable to die is forced to live with it. John was fortunate enough to have the choice. I said this to Jack I don't know whether he took any comfort in that or not.

All I've been able to think about these last few days is Christmas without Lisa, without the hope of ever being with her again. Mam has been really attentive but I need more than that. I feel so lonely and even with the way things are between Jack and me. There's a gulf between us because I think both of us are too afraid to trust each other enough to just fall in love. Jack did ask me what my plans were for Christmas and I told him I was expecting to be at work so the others could take time out with their families. He smiled at that, but when I asked him he said he's going to be at the Hub for the same reasons as me. I said he could come home and have dinner with Mam and me and to my surprise he accepted the invitation. I'm glad really. It'll mean a couple of hours away from here for him. We sat talking about Christmas' past, family, things like that. It was nice but very sad as we then got back on to the subject of John Ellis and Jack poured out all this stuff about how he had let him down. I just looked at him and said that sometimes people are just meant to die at a specific time and that there was nothing we could do. Jack held on to me for a long time after that.

I finally got home and it was 2:30am Christmas day so I sent texts to Tosh, Gwen and Owen to wish them merry Christmas and fell asleep on the living room sofa with Moses the cat curled up on my legs.

NEW ENTRY: Mam was delighted to have Jack visit for dinner and when we got back to the Hub afterwards we spent the rest of the day in Jack's bunk. I woke up to find myself being held in a warm embrace and Jack watching me. I'm very glad there were no interruptions.

NEW ENTRY: Owen told us that Diane had taken her plane and gone in search of who knows what. He has taken it very badly, but refuses to let any one help him. Jack just got a mouthful of really bad language and a very nasty comment about shagging The Office Boy (Me) and not having the ability to feel real love. I thought Jack was going to deck him, but he just stepped back and glanced at me almost as if to apologise for what Owen had said. I had 2 more patients to send to the RVH. I've been up all night and most of today trying to get things sorted out. It's a part of this job I really hate. They were in such a bad way when I picked them up. It was UNIT this time that sent them to us. I don't know what arrangement Jack has with them. We got back to the Hub at some crazy hour this morning and got through far too many espressos. Jack was really wound up. He gets very upset about the victims because most of them are so traumatised, almost no one comes back unscathed.

NEW ENTRY: Jack explained about the real Captain Jack Harkness. I don't think he wanted to come back to us, because he met this guy and totally fell in love with him. I was heartbroken when he told me but didn't say that to Jack especially after what I went through with shooting Owen. He's livid with Owen for opening the rift and I don't think we've seen the last of Bilis Manger. I am scared partly because of everything that is going on but mostly because I know deep down I've lost Jack.

NEW ENTRY: Plague, pestilence and Armageddon I can cope with. Shooting Owen, yeah no problems there, but Jack running out on us? That I can't deal with. He kisses me with absolute sincerity, forgives me for turning my back on him and now he's gone. It's like a massive void has opened inside me. Gwen and I did a search of the building he's definitely not here. Gwen's furious, Owen angry aggressive and Tosh quiet as ever. I've just had to make serious effort to carry on with a neutral mask over my face. I haven't made comment but said to Gwen that I was sure Jack would be back pretty soon even though I don't believe it for a moment. Perhaps he really did just need a break.

I am missing him way more than I thought I would. Thankfully I've got so much to keep me busy here. The Hub's a mess so I am going to suggest to Gwen we do a bit of redecorating. I hope Jack is home soon. I feel diminished by his absence.

NEW ENTRY: There's been no word from Jack. We have no idea where he has gone. The others are all away dealing with an investigation so I opted to stay here and continue with the refurb and look after Myfanwy. I have quite a good relationship with that thing now; she doesn't eat me provided I bring food, preferably fish. I did notice that Jack had taken that Tank with the random hand in it when he left us but I've not said anything to the others because I know whom it belonged to. I think Jack has gone to his Doctor friend.

Gwen's held us all together really well. She's taken charge and forced us all to move on from Jack. I don't know how that happened but I am glad because I would much rather have her in charge than Owen. I am feeling Jack's absence so badly. I suppose it's because I am in love with him, I don't understand it, the way he's affected me.

Rhys has asked Gwen to marry him, she was showing off her ring the other day and we all went out to celebrate. I think it's brilliant, something so normal. We need more of that. Hopefully we'll get to meet Rhys properly one day, he sounds like a really decent man. Gwen's pretty happy but when I spoke to her alone and asked her about Jack her face just fell. She looked at me and said it was complicated. Rhys will always be there for her, no matter what. We can't trust Jack to be there for any of us any more. She asked me how I was feeling so I did my usual and lied by telling her everything was just fine thank you very much. She knew it too. I'm not about to tell her I've a massive crush on him though. I think she knows exactly how I feel because she gave me a hug and told me every thing would be all right.

NEW ENTRY: Still no word from Jack. The other's got back from a rather fruitless expedition out in Asia. It's been a trifle weird lately but we are getting through it and working well together. If anything it's been easier without Jack. There has been a prevailing sense of seriousness hanging over us though. I haven't been home in weeks. So I've been ringing Mam each day so she doesn't worry. I have kind've taken on the duty of being here all the time so the others can take breaks with their families (or just some time out at least.). Truth is I don't know what else to do and I am not happy with the Hub being unmanned for long periods of time so Jack's bunker has become my temporary home (After much tidying).

The Hub is looking great now all the refurb is done. I'm quite proud of the work Gwen and I put into it. I went a bit mad and bought a nice new coffee maker and stuff for our kitchen to reduce our reliance on the local takeaways. I also got some nice things for the board room so it's bit less austere in there as it doubles as our dining room most of the time. I just thought we all deserved a bit of a treat.

Owen has acquired this little device that came through the rift a couple of days ago. It looks like a hand held supermarket scanner thingy. He's totally convinced it's a humanoid medical tool of some kind. Anyway it is keeping him busy. He'll probably be horrified to discover it's an alien sex toy. The rift has been very quiet since Abbadon was destroyed. We have not been able to trace Bilis Manger either, which is very worrying.

I half wondered if Jack had been taken by the rift like the others at the hospital. If so I guess he's lost to us forever. I don't know what I should do about telling the others this. He made me promise on his life not to tell the others about it. I shall give it a couple more weeks. If Jack isn't back by then? I will talk to Gwen. Thankfully the administration of the RVH is completely separate and not traceable to Torchwood itself. Which reminds me I need to do our own Payroll. Owen'll skin me alive if his wages are late again.

I've been having nightmares about the end of the world. There's a massive ship and a woman who walks the Earth saving people. I think its Lisa. Seeing her in that vision a few weeks back has haunted me ever since. I woke up one night because I heard Jack screaming, but it WAS a dream. That last time he kissed me, why did he do that if he was planning on deserting me? I have to believe he is coming back. I feel ashamed by the fact that it was only Gwen who believed in him enough to help him wake up after that encounter with Abbadon. I've seen so much. I am in awe and I am afraid and every time I pause to think on any of it, all I can think about is Jack and how much I need him.

NEW ENTRY: OK, so Jack's home, thank God. Already I am annoyed, upset, jealous and relieved. I am extremely glad to see the back of John Hart (am not entirely certain that will be the last we see of him though). I am so mad, Jack fucking runs out on us comes back with arrogant fucking ex lover boy hot on his heels and has the audacity to ask me on a date. Nothing is ever straight- forward with Jack. I've never been jealous before of anyone in my life. Anyway I did make it quite hard on Jack when he asked me out. Didn't realise he had an office fetish though; don't think I want to go too deeply into that. John scared me; there was something very brutal and savage in his nature underneath all that sickening charm. I think Jack was truthful when he said he was glad to be home. After John had gone we holed out in a posh Hotel for the night 'to avoid ourselves' so we all sat talking in the bar about everything that's been happening over the last couple of months. The others eventually left us alone after Jack told them to go away (In the politest of terms). At which point I gave him a long update on the RVH and some of the other stuff I do for him. He did seem happier than he was before he left us and he apologised to me for what he did. So I just told him it had better not happen again because it hurt all of us. He said he was worried about whether or not I'd forgive him for going. I know why he went and I know he had to do it. I told him this, but I also told him that if we were truly going to have any kind of relationship then he would have to trust me enough to tell me what the hell is going on with him. He said he did trust me and that he would do as I've asked. At which point we had a full on snog (This terrible word I've picked up from Gwen!), much to the amusement of the hotel bar staff.

I know I'm in love with Jack. I must be Welsh Muppet of the year no way is it ever going to last!

NEW ENTRY: Our date? Well for Jack it was actually quite a normal occasion. We went out to a nice quiet Italian place and afterwards we sat on the roof of the Millennium Centre, holding hands and talking for the rest of the night. We watched the sunrise, which was the first time I'd seen one of those for years. He told me everything about his time away and it was a bit unnerving because it tallied with my dreams and when I told him that he looked very disconcerted. We talked about John Hart (Captain Chaos as I call him), the Time Agency, and Home. Everything really, almost like he'd been saving it all up for months. Then we talked about us. Not so easy. He said he loved all of us on the team but that he realised that he wanted to be with me. He'd held on to that all the time he was away. To my total surprise he said he would have asked me sooner but for the whole Lisa episode and me needing time to get over her. It was just fantastic to be able to finally tell each other how we really felt and I think for Jack he has at last come to terms with the whole not dying thing. He knows he needs to be here, with me and with Torchwood to protect this stupid planet of ours. I was a bit blown away by everything because I was so hurt when he left and was certain he wasn't coming back. I explained to him about finding myself again and at last being part of the team proper and that I didn't want 'us' to get in the way of all that. Jack assured me that wouldn't happen.

Anyway after all that seriousness, we went back to Jack's office, checked that no one was at the Hub and had the best sex ever, I really didn't think I could ever feel like that. I suppose that's all that emotional release, it was wonderful and frightening at the same time, both of us were crying by the end of it. After that well we actually we had a lot of fun.

I just know this is going to end in tears.

NEW ENTRY: It's been a bit of a nightmare finding body space in the morgue. Owen finished the PM on Beth's body and he took out all the techie bits, meanwhile I am at the point where I had to insist that we incinerate what was left. Jack was not happy and Gwen was furious with me for suggesting it. The morgue is full and I don't want to start lining the corridors with freezers that WOULD be sick. As it is I am going to have to dispose of some of our resident bodies. There are some things about this job I really hate. Jack said he'd leave it to up to my discretion, which was a rather sneaky way of avoiding having to deal with the problem himself (He'll pay for that later!). Trouble is trying to deal with the remains respectfully. I will have to re-acquaint myself with Father Edmund at St David's church. I seem to remember that there's a large rose garden at the vicarage. He'll think sweet little Ianto that used to be in the choir is giving him bone meal for his roses and my conscience is a bit clearer, I won't put people's ashes in the waste disposal. It's the best I can do. I told Jack and he reluctantly ok'd it and told me to be careful and not to get too attached to the corpses: any one would think I was a necrophilliac the way he was going on.

Jack and I? Well so much for dating: there's just been no time with the massive clean up over the last few days. I seem to be living here once again just doing the support stuff for the others. Jack has handed over loads more work for me to do, primarily concerned with collating everything we have on the activities of particular individuals. Oh, yeah we have a regular spy operation going on here. Jack used to take care of most of it, but I think he's trying to give me ownership of some of the work I do here. It's fine. We do see more of each other this way, just not in the way I'd like to. He's… I can never find the right words. I can be what ever I want when we are alone together. It's like a game we play. Our moments of intimacy are incredible intense…..It just blows me away every time. The whole work thing seems to be cool. We behave ourselves in front of the others. That's mostly down to me because I don't want the others to lose any respect for him. It would be nice if things were a bit more normal sometimes though. Thank God Gwen and Rhys seem to be surviving all the Torchwood bullshit. I am amazed and really pleased for her. I know Jack has very strong feelings for Gwen, but he has also learnt to let them go because he recognises the value of their relationship. Normality, can't remember what that's like!

We're due to wake up Tommy Brockless soon. Tosh'll be pleased, she really likes him.

NEW ENTRY: Tosh was devastated by Tommy's departure. Jack was upset about Tosh. Jack and I spent the entire night walking around Cardiff in the freezing rain because he couldn't face going back to the Hub. I've not seen Jack this vulnerable before. He talked about some of the things he had seen during WW1. I can't imagine it, don't want to so I just listened and let him get it out of his system. We talked a bit about Gerald and Harriet as well….. Harriet didn't know about Jack's immortality and took a bullet to save him, which is how she died. I am glad the others don't see Jack when he is like this. We ended up back on our spot on the roof of the Millennium Centre. Got back to the Hub to find someone had trashed my tourist office.

NEW ENTRY: I think Gwen is relieved that Rhys finally knows what she does. Jack is not happy and he was very upset when she refused to Retcon him. Good for her and now Jack's pissed at me for telling him that. He's not asked me to Retcon my Mam so why should Gwen have to do it to Rhys? Of course I hit the nail on the head when I suggested that he would rather Gwen were with him than with Rhys. The look he gave me made me realise I'd found the truth of it and I was pretty hurt. I know he loves her. He loves all of us in his funny Jack way. I know he wants to protect her 'normal' life and he certainly doesn't want to share the Torchwood side of her life with anyone else. Jack just has to realise that for Gwen, Rhys is more important than Jack Harkness and Jack doesn't like things that way. The flip side of all this I know he admires Rhys for what he did, I certainly do. He did really well in that warehouse, much better than me the first time I had a gun in my face. It'll make things so much better for Gwen, not having to lie or make excuses and Rhys will finally understand the times when she is away or shitty and tired. I need my Mam for the same reasons, some one who just loves me and listens when I need to off load all my Torchwood rubbish. I think this was a hard lesson for Jack. I pointed out that he does exactly that with me. He tells me everything and I listen because that is what he needs me for. I don't think he was terribly impressed because he knew deep down I was telling him off in my roundabout way for hurting my feelings. Ridiculously after everyone had gone home he was actually sulking so I told him off for that too. None of that actually stopped us from other much more entertaining distractions though, somehow I believe I am forgiven.

NEW ENTRY: I drove Jack to London yesterday to a meeting at UNIT HQ; thankfully I wasn't invited so I spent the day trawling the second-hand bookshops on Charring Cross Road and looking round the Photographers Gallery. It was such a relaxing non-Torchwood day. Jack was looking a bit frazzled when I picked him up so we decided to stay in town for the night. It was great not to be at the Hub, the closest thing to a 'romantic' night together we've had since we started seeing each other 'officially'.

We got back to the Hub this morning only to discover that Owen had accidentally blown up Tosh's terminal whilst experimenting with his 'medical toy'. So after sorting out the mess (as always). I went down to the basement to carry on cataloguing the archive.

NEW ENTRY: The relative calm of recent days has meant that Jack and I have been able steal some 'quality time' together which usually involves a good deal of fun and truly amazing sex. He's very cheeky. I love that. There are just no boundaries with him. I love being able to express myself as well. I can't do that at all around the others, just Jack. I talk to Mam of course but there are some things a mother really shouldn't know about her son. I don't know what I would do with out him. Jack and Torchwood have become the fabric of my life. I finally get what he is about. He needs me as much as I need him and I can't fail him.

One of our RVH patients died this morning. Jack got the call at 3am so we went out there to deal with the body. A somewhat nasty process of faking a death so the families don't really find out what happened to their loved ones. I hate it. Jack does too, but he is right. People aren't ready to deal with the unthinkable, why add the impossible into the mix as well?

NEW ENTRY: We lost 48 hours! I mean how do you lose two days? All of us? Tosh and I spent hours going through the computer system to see what we had been doing, but all the data has been thoroughly wiped and after Jack asked me who Adam was I went through all the personnel files not a single Adam, Adams, Adamson or any thing close to that name for the last forty odd years. Even Jack's own logs have been wiped. So what ever happened? We probably all had some random orgy and Jack retconned us afterwards to save on the embarrassment factor. Shame really that would've been a lot of fun. The only thing we had of the last two days was a picture on Jack's mobile of me looking over the edge of the lift platform with a very pissed off expression on my face. There's sand all over Jack's desk and my Diary too. (I really hope he hasn't been reading it, but I bet he has!). It's just been such a weirdly random week. Owen did blood tests on all of us and found Retcon in all of our samples. Have had the head ache from Hell so I downed a load of neurophen, hopefully that'll knock it off

I spent last night with Jack after all that puzzlement only to be woken by a horrible nightmare about me strangling a girl in some alley. I woke up practically screaming and it took Jack nearly half an hour to calm me down. I was well freaked out because it was so real. After which Jack goes and demands fresh coffee because there was so no point in trying to get back to sleep and I was so wired anyway I didn't disagree with him. So we sat there in his bunk at 3 am this morning talking our usual nonsense until Gwen got in for work at 8am.

I went home about 10 this morning as I'm going to look at a flat to rent. If Jack and I are going to keep seeing each other, it would be nice not to be at the Hub all the time. My Mam wouldn't handle the whole 'gay thing' and I just want my own space I guess. Somewhere I can be with Jack completely alone. I'm getting a bit fed up with removing our little tete a tetes from the CCTV records. Jack says I shouldn't worry so much. Good job I do really, Jack would be selling tickets to the others to get them to watch knowing him!

NEW ENTRY: BY JACK…..Having read this I only feel it is fair that I get to gossip about Ianto as much as he gossips about me! But of course I wouldn't do that being a gentleman! Ianto you really need to change your voicemail and I especially like that dark red shirt you had on this morning, definitely your colour. Hopefully I'll get to take that off later today. I feel a naked hide and seek moment coming on.

Yep you know what that's a great idea, maybe I should link in our CCTV to U Tube or Facebook, get a much wider audience that way, there's a good market for live……. And we could have a phone in option so people can suggest things for us to try out. X

NEW ENTRY: And you think I'm warped on the inside Harkness?!

NEW ENTRY: Finally got a flat sorted out. What a hassle! Jack's been helping me get it set up with furniture and décor. Jack was a bit taken aback when I gave him a set of keys. I told him to consider it as his home as well as mine. Got a very nice kiss for my trouble.

The bad dreams are starting to go away. I've slept right through the last couple of nights. Jack's been there though to tire me out. He's been as frightened about all this as I have but he's had the cheeky look on his face and held on to his good humour for my sake. I haven't talked to Mam about any of it. I mean what if I really am a murderer? I will never really know for sure. Jack insists that I am not. I should be reassured by that. He is the only person who really knows me and I trust his word and judgement. I suppose what is most scary having those periods of being completely off my trolley. Owen likened it to a form of dementia. I have no idea what I did during those times, not sure I want to know. I just feel humiliated and ashamed of not being in control of myself. I never want Jack to have to see me like that again. As it is I'm still under 'obbos' (Owen's name for it.) and everyday he keeps doing the same tests and I am seeing an improvement so I am on the mend. I'm banned from driving and only allowed to make coffee under supervision. The gang have been great.

I was lead to wonder what would have happened to me though if there were no recovery. I asked Jack and he just said don't think about it. I know he and Owen discussed the options, but he said it didn't matter and that I had to keep focussed on healing. Of course realistically a bullet through my head would've been the kindest course of action. I told Jack that if I lost it again, with no hope of being fixed that he was to put me down. He knew I was serious because he said that he would see to it himself, but only as an absolute last resort. Then he told me off for being so depressing.

NEW ENTRY: Once again I am in a state of utter disbelief over the things that have happened. Owen, Oh my God. I don't know whether to mourn, pity him or be grateful he's still with us or all three or none of them at all. I can't imagine what he must be going through without all the fundamentals of existence how does one function?

He apologised to me this morning for things he had said in the past that weren't the nicest. It was very awkward. I know we've had our moments but he has never wavered when it has counted and certainly never turned his back on me when it mattered. I told him he had nothing to apologise for.

I took Jack aside and gave him a bollocking for fetching that glove. I know he wanted to save Owen, or at the very least say good-bye to him properly, but now 12 people are dead and Owen is God knows what. Typical fucking Jack, thinking with his heart and not his brain. He said he didn't tell me he was going to do that because he knew I would try to stop him and he didn't want to fight with me over it. He's right I would have done my level best to stop him; he should have learnt that lesson after Suzie. He has no right to assume that he is above the natural order of things, and not giving Owen the choice is even worse. There are some things we should not be saved from and Owen I think is not overly happy about being stuck with the living when he is essentially undead. As it is there are twelve deaths on Owen's conscience that he is not responsible for. Jack got quite upset with me for telling him off. Tosh is naturally upset. She's carried such a torch for Owen all this time.

I like Martha J. It took me a while to remember where I had seen her before too. It was here, in my dreams over the time when Jack was away. I asked her if she'd been the one that travelled the world saving people and she smiled at me and asked if Jack had told me. Of course he had, but I told her about the dreams. She gave me a hug and said she was pleased that someone back here was obviously watching over her. She did interrogate me about Jack and I as he's asked her to get me a UNIT red cap- not quite sure what he wants me to do with one mind. I must ask him about that. I hope we see Martha again; she's really quite cute and very cheeky.

NEW ENTRY: Things have settled down for the moment. I've just been cleaning up around the Hub; just the housekeeping really while the gang went looking for a weevil spotted in the stadium.

The very nice lady at the dry cleaners offered me £100 for Jack's greatcoat because she wants it for her boyfriend. So naturally I respectfully declined the incentive and when I got back to the Hub and told Jack I needed a pay rise and had seriously considered her offer there was a very guilty look on his face until he realised I was winding him up. I now know I can hold that coat hostage!

We've got Gwen's wedding coming up soon too. We've all been invited to attend so Owen and I both sort of volunteered to man the fort whilst Tosh and Jack went. Jack said we should all go, work permitting. Actually it could be fun. I've never been to a wedding before and since Jack told Gwen I used to help my dad at his tailors shop when I was a kid, she's been asking me about dresses and shoes and stuff. I'm so no expert, but she did remind me I was the only one of us boys who had anything like a decent dress sense. Can't argue with that really! Jack worries about her. There are feelings there of course, but I think he is very happy for her and Rhys.

Had a rude letter from the DVLA about the SUV's MOT being due. We so should not have to deal with stuff like that. Either way Jack rang them and got an earful of beaurocratic bullshit so I had to spend yesterday stripping out all of our 'sensitive gear' with Tosh and taking the dam thing down to the garage for a certificate. Fortunately for us I know one of the lads down there and he just ticked all the boxes for £50 and no questions. I decided to spend the afternoon sitting in Mam's back garden sharing a couple of bottles of red with her and having a long chat about everything as Mam and I so often do.

NEW ENTRY: I can't believe it, a UNIT red cap arrived in the post for me from Martha Jones. Jack was delighted!

NEW ENTRY: I was in Sainsburies this morning. That was exciting! Whilst waiting at the check out there was a punch up between two guys, right in front of me. I just got out of the way and watched the thing with complete disdain. It made me wonder why we bother doing the work that we do to protect morons like that.

When I got to the Hub Jack was verbally abusing the coffee maker so I plied him with chocolate biscuits and told him I'd sort the coffee out. I mean it really isn't that hard. Owen figured it out when I showed him and so have Tosh and Gwen. I think Jack just likes to be waited on. Anyway a double espresso was in order, he was in such a cranky mood.

Owen seems to be settling down. I think he has good days and bad days. I don't want to think about what he is going through. Martha emailed us to see how we all were and wanted to know how Owen was doing and whether or not I had received her 'little gift'. So unbeknown to me Jack promptly emailed her a photo of me wearing said item (and not much else) and she replies directly to me telling me how cute I look. I can still feel the blushes now! I can't believe he did that.

NEW ENTRY: Gwen and I arrived back at the Hub after a call out to find Jack chasing round his office with the hockey stick in hand, yelling and swearing rather imaginatively because he saw a rat. Jack does not like rats I learn today so I got an earful about dealing with an apparent rodent problem. So off I go to BnQ to get rattraps before he starts shooting at them. He was upset enough to stay at my place (No rodents there) last night. It was a pleasant change actually because it meant being at home which is nice and warm and considerably more cosy than Jack's bunker. We spent most of the night talking about the madness that is Torchwood and maybe even trying to get a few days away together at some point. I can't see that happening, we are always busy but it would be wonderful if we could.

NEW ENTRY; Gwen's big day tomorrow and Jack's got her running round chasing shape shifters through the city centre. I told him I'd go in her stead so that she could go out and meet with her friends, but Jack said no rather forcefully. I told him he was being very unfair on her, but to no avail. He is not happy and is happy about the whole Gwen/ Rhys thing. Sometimes I think he is so confused about that, that he really doesn't think objectively. It also worries me that he is putting her in danger in an effort to protect me, and that is something I do not want him to do. I think Jack and I will have to have that conversation at some point.

NEW ENTRY: Well that was an interesting wedding! Rhys was brilliant!

NEW ENTRY: Jack and I spent the whole day going round the entire building checking for further evidence of our rodent friends. All the traps were full (20 in all: Janet will be pleased!) but thankfully the morgue is intact and no ones had their toes gnawed off. The rats have been at the wiring though so I've compiled a repair list for Tosh and I to get on with. We can't exactly get Environmental Health in so it looks like some serious rat proofing will have to be installed. This old place is a nightmare to keep rodent free.

I read in the paper that they are opening up the old Electro Cinema. They are doing a week of old film clips from Cardiff. I think I shall check it out. I used to go there with my dad when I was a kid. I haven't seen a film for weeks so it should be fun. I suppose I should see if any of the others want to come.

Gwen's been sickeningly cheery since she got back from her honeymoon. I know I've said it before but I am so glad that she has a decent life outside of Torchwood. It helps me see why we do all this stuff. Next thing she'll be asking Jack for maternity leave. God, I wonder how he'll handle that one? I wonder if Jack has any kids, he's never said.

I warned Gwen about the rat problem too, just in case one comes out and she feels inclined to shoot it. Jack did that yesterday evening, half way through us having one of our more intimate moments. He did hit it and practically deafened my left ear in the process.

Discovered Origin Chocolates the other day. Finding a new brand of chocolate is never good. Gwen and I are rather too fond of them so they will have to be rationed, otherwise I'll be buying more suits. I do wonder why I bother wearing them some days though, I've ruined three in the last couple of months working here and the dry cleaning bill each week is huge. Perhaps I should start wearing jeans and shirts like Owen. Actually Jack would probably send me home to get changed. He's got a thing about suits and so long as I keep getting the compliments. I don't know, maybe the whole suit /uniform thing with him comes from this obsession he has with the 1940's. Sometimes I just have to pause and think about how long he has lived. I can't imagine it, being a constant when everything else around him is always changing. He told me about Alex (Who ran this place before Jack took over). Alex killed their colleagues then himself. Jack said it was like everything else coming into sharp relief and it forced him to realise that he had to stay here to protect Earth because people like Alex had lost hope. I know what Jack was trying to say. He said his friend the Doctor reckoned that Jack is all wrong- shouldn't exist, but Jack believes he is here because he is the single constant in the universe. I just couldn't get my head round that if I were him but he is beginning to understand it and come to terms with it. It makes me feel so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I shall get old (hopefully) and of course die at some point. For Jack I will fade and he will forget. There is no way he would remember every thing if he truly is eternal. Truth is that hurts me and makes me realise that we will never have a normal relationship, we won't buy a house, do a civil partnership thing and grow old together. It must be impossibly lonely for him sometimes. I know it is for me.

NEW ENTRY: I don't know why I got myself so upset about that Ghost Catcher. I just took the whole thing so personally and the fact that we can't actually scientifically explain those manifestations just makes it worse. I felt responsible for those people when I know I am not. I can't believe that we only managed to save one. Owen told me not to take things to heart. Jack was brilliant as always. I wish I could just switch off and when I said that to Jack he practically shouted at me, don't you dare lose your compassion Ianto what ever! I was a bit taken aback but he held on to me really tightly whilst I bawled my eyes out. We're going on a short break somewhere (He hasn't told me where). Can't wait, finally some time for us.

NEW ENTRY: I know Jack will be mad at me but I've decided to tell Gwen about the RVH. She and Tosh put so much work in to the missing persons database and I had no idea just how bad the problem was. I think Jack should tell her, but he told me in no uncertain terms not to discuss it with her. Gwen will not leave this alone and I know she believes that Jack is hiding something from her. I now also have to lie and I don't want to do that again. I hate going against him because I love him but I don't agree with him about this and I have to go with that. Normally I would never undermine his authority. God I hope Jack understands. If he finds out I have told her, I couldn't bare it if we…..I'm not going to voice it. I'll leave the information on her desk tonight and hope that Jack forgives me.

NEW ENTRY: Jack was very upset about Gwen, Jonah. The whole thing really. I held him for hours last night, after which we had a terrible if brief argument. He was furious with me for giving Gwen the location of the RVH. I had to do it though. It was the only way to make her understand why Jack is so powerless to help those people. I tried to explain this to him, but Jack just completely lost his temper with me and yelled at me saying I couldn't be trusted anymore. I just stood there trying not to cry and yelled back at him about the fact that he has never trusted me enough to tell me his real name. It was awful. I grabbed my coat and ran at that point, I was so hurt, still am. I love him in spite of everything. I love him so much sometimes I feel like I will break under the weight of it.

We kind've blanked each other at work today. I think the others realised something had happened but no one said anything to me. I just feel rotten now. Gwen rang me a couple of hours ago to see if I was OK because Jack told her about our argument. Apparently he's pretty upset about it, feelings mutual, she apologised for getting me into trouble with him, but I told her it wasn't her fault. I made the choice to defy him after all. And now the bloody phone is ringing again. It had better not be Jack I really don't want to speak to him right now.

NEW ENTRY: Mam's funeral was a bit weird. A load of her NHS mates turned up (about 20 retired nurses) and there was me and Jack, Gwen, Rhys, Tosh and Owen. Mam had left a note asking to be buried with Dad so that's what I've had done. Hopefully she'll be pleased. The wake at Mam's house was a very lively affair. All the ladies were chatting up Jack while the rest of us Torchwoodies took refuge in the garden. It was nice of them to come (I'm sure Gwen had something to do with that.). It was a relief when everyone had gone though. Jack organised cabs for the ladies and Gwen and Rhys helped me put the house back in order. I'm sitting here alone in her house and it is finally sinking in that she is gone. Mam went through so much for me, was always there for me. I wish Jack had've stayed, but work happened and he wouldn't let me come with him. He said for me to take some time out. Though what I am supposed to do is beyond me. I am still not sure about Jack and I. That argument has left a nasty mark on both of us and there's distance between us now that wasn't there before.

NEW ENTRY: Jack and I finally made up. (Makes us sound like a couple of teenagers!). He took me out for dinner and then we went to the Millennium Centre roof top spot and just talked about everything. He told me his name, but said I am not to tell the others or write it in here. I will do as he asks. He also explained why it was such a big deal to him, so now I finally understand. I apologised for hurting his feelings but Jack told me that he deserved the telling off he got and that he was glad I felt able to stand up to him. I just don't want to ever have to do that again. Of course he wouldn't guarantee that! Anyway we are back to our old selves, if anything things are better now because it is much more out in the open. He only has to look at me and my innards flip.

I'm missing Mam. I hope Owen is wrong about the 'other side' I don't like the thought of my parents in an eternity of nothing but darkness. Owen amazes me the way he carries on in his state of undeadness, he's broken and yet everyday he never allows it to stop him from 'living'. Jack is still hoping to make him whole again; he's had me researching all kinds of alternative sources of help on the net. I don't believe it is truly possible to make him 'live ' again. I mean he IS dead, you can't bring them back, and it's just against the natural order of things. Then I suppose that is what Owen and Jack are.

I know one thing. When I am with Jack, it feels like the whole universe is pouring into my soul. I love him so much I don't care that he can't die in one sense. He will always be my beautiful Jack, my universal constant and I will do every thing I can to help him get through the things he has to deal with while I am alive to do it.

NEW ENTRY: Jack took me out to dinner with Gwen and Rhys. Actually it was great. Jack did his usual and told a few tales about various strange past dates which had all three of us aching with laughter, but we had to leave them at the restaurant when a call came to me from Owen. The rift has been over acting once again.

NEW ENTRY: Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. Putting Tosh in the morgue was the hardest thing. She looked so peaceful. It's not right leaving her in there. The last three days have been from Hell. Poor Jack, it's like a universe full of hate has been dumped on him, by Grey. I was powerless to help him. Yet here we are 3 days later and Owen and Tosh are gone and Jack tells us to move on. It's too soon for that. I am so glad Gwen has had Rhys by her side and the truth is I even felt some compassion for John being forced to do things he did not want to do. There's been a massive clean up operation. Gwen's been liasing with the police while I have been visiting Tosh's and Owen's Families with Jack. Fortunately I speak good Japanese. Of course we couldn't tell them everything they wanted to know. Owen's mother didn't seem to care too much anyway. Jack was upset about that. I can't really imagine how Jack must be feeling. He's been very quiet since John took off and both nights when Gwen has gone home we have sat in silence holding each other. Neither one of us has slept and I haven't been home yet because I don't want to leave Jack here on his own. Stupid thing is, he's in better shape than I am. I just need to be close by him right now. I haven't been able to cry. Jack and Gwen both have, I just can't, it's like there's a wall there inside me and I can't climb over it. The final death toll from Grey's little murder spree was 87 people (not including Owen and Tosh). The police chief wants to hold us to account. Torchwood gets away with far too much as far as he is concerned. Jack has the connections to get him removed of course, but I wonder sometimes if we do more harm than good.

NEW ENTRY: I'll open this with my favourite line…It's been so weird lately and I realise weird is my normal, so I should say it's been so normal lately. We are all missing Owen and Tosh deeply. Martha J came to visit and we had an impromptu wake in the boardroom, which was brilliant. It was my idea and I was a bit worried about suggesting it, but as it turned out to be a lot of fun. We all laughed about things and told loads of stories. Jack thanked me afterwards, said it was something they would have appreciated. I suppose it was my way of saying goodbye.

I asked Jack what he was going to do about Grey. Of course he doesn't know. Grey is so emotionally damaged. I know Jack will want to help him but of course how to is the question. I wish I knew how to help Jack through all this, even finding the right words, but he says just being here and doing the things I do is help enough. Gwen assured me I was doing all I could. Thank goodness she has Rhys, how many times have I said that? Jack's right. Time to move on now which meant walking through a muddy field in the middle of nowhere at 2am this morning looking for space debris that came through the rift. Jack kept us laughing all the way through it. We dropped Gwen at home on the way back to the Hub and once said pieces were securely stowed I managed to convince Jack to stay at our place for the rest of the night. Just to get him away from the Hub for a few hours and into our bed………

NEW ENTRY: Ok so that was quite an adventure: Jack as always has been his usual brave self and getting on out there. I don't know how I feel right now. When Jack left us to go to help the Doctor….De Ja Vue. I really thought for a moment that he would leave us again. I should know better by now. It has been tough since we lost Owen and Tosh, but Gwen and Jack have been brilliant. They are so strong. Sometimes I think that I should not be here because I find it so hard to be brave like them. Jack keeps telling me not to be so down on myself, but I sometimes wonder what use I am when things get bad. We dodged the bullet again and the Doctor and Jack saved us and Harriet sacrificed her life for us. I mean I know like Jack said I would do those things myself, but perhaps not with the grace and heroism of the others. Things here are going to be different from now on. I hate the absence of Owen and Tosh. Jack and I have talked about it a lot over recent weeks but he seems to have moved on. It makes me wonder how quick he would be to recover if anything happened to me. This is a terrible thing for me to think. I mean to think of him like that. He has to run this place and cannot afford to dwell on sentimentality, I know all this. But I hate the idea that he would just write me off after a few weeks of my passing. I keep going over this and I know I shouldn't. Jack and I, some days I love him so much and other days I truly hate what he is because I know I do not fit into the life he will have to live. I'm just going to be like a flash in eternity. I just keep thinking about the future. My future with Jack. The whole thing makes me mad, but I am not mad with Jack. I am mad with myself, for falling in love with him. He tries my patients in every respect with his flirting and showing off and his trying to protect me from everything, but I am such a muppet because I can't live with out him. I do not know what I want half the time and this isn't Jack's fault, it's me being jealous and that's just stupid. Jack takes care of me as much as I take care of him and I do not know what the fuck is going on with me. I do not understand why I cannot deal with my own fears and just get on. Perhaps it's the whole end of the world thing. Perhaps it's the whole Torchwood thing. This place just takes your life away from you. I don't know how Gwen and Rhys have survived all this over the last couple of years. I think I am still missing Mam. I used to talk to her about all this stuff. I suppose I should be talking to Jack, but sometimes I can't. He has so much on his shoulders and my negativity is not something else I want to burden him with. I suppose it is losing Tosh and Owen. It's not like I haven't had to deal with Death before. I suppose it's that hoping for a miracle thing. Thank God we didn't have another resurrection glove……..I think Jack has learnt that lesson, losing Owen a second time was just as hard as it was the first time.

As for the Earth, how can people not see that there are Aliens out there now? The planet will need time to adjust and the government surely won't attempt to cover all that up. Perhaps they will come up with some 'act of terrorism story' Al Quaeda attempts mass hynosis…..I expect something of the sort will be in the Sun tomorrow. It makes me so mad when everything gets covered up and denied, why are we doing all this for the planet when they refuse to acknowledge that there is a universe out there? Ok I've had my moan now. Actually feel better for that. Ok now I know why I keep this diary! I expect Jack will read it again. He usually does. I think really we are ok. I know I worry about us all the time, but I wouldn't be without him.