It has been Nagisa's idea – it's always Nagisa's idea – to celebrate their first tournament all together. The Iwatobi crew with Rin and the Samezuka's relay. And with Sousuke, of course. Nagisa reserved a table for eight seating himself between Haru and Rei, and across from Ai. Haru doesn't even have time to think and ends up being just in front of Rin. It's not that he cares – well, no, he cares now that he has realized he can't have Rin as much as he wishes he could – nor that he isn't pleased. Because somehow and unexpectedly he is pleased; there is a strange feeling of satisfaction that Rin chooses to sit just in front of him. But Haru suddenly feels uncomfortable as he eyes Sousuke closely watching him.
Lately, Rin and his old childhood friend were inseparable. And when Haru thinks they're 'inseparable', it means he hasn't had the opportunity to even speak with Rin without the tall dark haired guy being with them. But he can get on with that. Really. What irritates him the most right now is that Sousuke was slowly but surely taking Rin away from him, even in the water.
Makoto has tried to explain that this is what's best for Rin, but Haru doesn't need to listen; he already knows. Rin's best chance to get on to the national team is butterfly, they all know that. Does this mean that now Rin must only swim butterfly? Haru doubts it. But he is apparently the only one who thinks so – maybe because the others just don't know what it feels like to swim with Rin; they don't know, they cannot possibly understand how Haru feels right now.
And it's all because of him, of Yamakazi. The guy who always seems to blame Haru for a crime he doesn't even remembered committing with his cool and cold blue eyes. Does Rin even know what's going on between them? How much the two of his best friends are fighting for him? Haru doubts that as well; and he has been very careful not to tell anyone, not to let any clue escape his lips, or by his attitude. Haru wants to deal with Sousuke alone. Because it only concerns them, and Rin, and he knows he should probably talk about it at least to Rin but something is restraining him. He doesn't want him to find out that his best friend is plotting against his back – but can it really be called plotting? Sousuke is just doing what he thinks is the best for Rin, and he had decided Haru wasn't doing any good, has never been any good, will never do any good to Rin. Sousuke doesn't seem to be the kind of person to change his mind easily; too bad, because Haru doesn't plan on giving up on Rin either.
Haru can't think about anything else but this when they are asked to give their order. He can't think of anything else but Rin and it's going as far as perturbing his time. And then, when the waiter takes their menus back his eyes meet Rin's, and Rin is smiling at him and he looks so happy, so much less tormented and so fucking happy that Haru forgets what he just ordered, and the black glare Sousuke is giving him. It has been so long since the last time the both of them have shared a moment, together, just the two of them. It was subtle and maybe even meaningless for everyone else but for Haru it was as if he has gotten hit in the chest. He never would have imagined he could miss Rin's presence and attention so much.
His hopes for the rest of the evening disappear as soon as the first drinks are set on the table. Haru orders a lemonade and Nagisa some sort of strong alcohol he has never heard about. When Haru sends a very short glance towards Rin he sees something he has quite expected but has hoped not to see. The smile on Rin's face is back, but it's not for him; Rin is not looking at him. As if he doesn't even exist anymore. The way he is looking at Sousuke makes Haru ache in a way he has never experienced and he isn't sure how to feel about it.
Nagisa is whining; his drink is too strong. Rin is making fun of him – calling him by names, Rei sounds upset – and then he doesn't know why, but the next moment Haru takes the glass, drinks it, and puts it back in front of him only when it's empty. They have all stop laughing. The atmosphere feels heavy again.
Haru pretends nothing weird has just happened and looks back at Nagisa's glass. Surprisingly the strong liquor is a nice distraction from all the things not happening around him that he would have liked to witness tonight. It's burning his throat, making his head suddenly dizzy; the noise is dulled, just as the pain in his chest. It doesn't hurt so much to watch Rin talking to someone else now. It doesn't even hurt so much to think about Rin not swimming with him – he eats well, keeps ordering the same liquor because it tastes good and because it makes him feel good, and when he accidentally brushes his leg against Rin's he realizes he might need one more.
They haven't even finished yet and he already feels like he is alone, with his empty dishes and an absent Rin. It's like he is wearing an old diving suit. His movements are clumsy, his skin is hot and cold and dull at the same time. Rin's voice is echoing too loud in his ears. It's like he can only hear him talking.
"Oi, you're alright?"
Rin's eyes are on him, on his shoulder more precisely, his left shoulder where Makoto has rested his hand, and has been shaking him for about perhaps seconds, minutes, he doesn't know and doesn't care. The only thing that matters, always matters, is Rin; Rin's concern for him and him alone on his pretty, pretty face.
And then it hits him in the face.
Rin is pretty. Rin is so pretty.
"Seems your friend is drunk." Sousuke says, and Haru just knows he is not talking to Rin – but to Makoto instead.
His eyelashes are so long. How does he make that possible? How could Haru have not noticed before, just how beautiful Rin's face is? And his bangs falling on his face…they are so cute…and his teeth…
The waitress comes back and asks if they want dessert. Makoto demands for a little something for Haru – water or aspirin maybe – and they all vote for a last cup of sake; except for Haru, obviously, who is already wasted.
As their table is now clear, Haru leans on it, resting his chin in his hands, his eyes never letting go of Rin. He has never been drunk, not even once in his entire life and of course, it has to be while being sitting just in front of Rin – but, just as any drunk person he doesn't know about it, he can't even feel it in his veins and so it doesn't bother him that much. He doesn't understand why everyone is looking so uneasy and so awkwardly at him. Haru is feeling fine, really very fine; there absolutely nothing to worry about. There was just this bang on Rin's face that was out of place. It should be behind his ear. Haru's arm itches to get it behind his ear.
How he finds himself on all fours on top of the table, he doesn't know. Makoto was probably too stunned to stop him. Haru does only what feels natural to him and at this very moment, reaching towards Rin's hair to pull it back behind his ear softly is the only thing that comes to his drunken mind.
The bang fails to stay at its rightful place, and slowly it comes back in front of Rin's eyes. Haru repeats the motion then, and doesn't even notice that around him everybody is frozen in silence and stupor.
But his skin is so soft. Why hasn't he touched him like that before?
He caresses his redden cheekbone with his thumb; Rin's breath is stuck inside his lungs.
"You are so pretty," says Haru absentmindedly, as if there were only the two of them; "So…pretty…"
The eight of them leave the restaurant before drinking their sake. Makoto is holding Haru on his back, taking him home because he can't make his legs function properly – and Haru can't guess why. Everything feels weird tonight. Was it because of Rin's smile? Rin's smile is doing things to him, he knows that, he has always known. It makes his belly fells weird and tingling, as if a fish was swimming inside of him. He likes that feeling.
Haru tried to speak, to stop Makoto, to ask him to put him on the ground. He doesn't even recognize his own voice, it's so low and hoarse. He doesn't even know if he is him anymore.
"But he is so pretty~~" he whines again in Makoto's ear, as if it's not the hundredth time that he has said this since the little event at the restaurant. "Makoto, Rin is so pretty."
"Yeah I know Haru. Try to sleep now, I'll take care of you."
Makoto sounds pissed. He doesn't want to stay in his arms anymore. He wants to see Rin. He has the right to see his friend, hasn't he? Who does that Sousuke think he is? Forbidding him to swim with the person he wants the most to feel the water with.
"Put me down. Want to see Rin. Pretty Rin." Haru struggles to get off of Makoto's back but a hand comes to stop him. He has been too drunk to realize there was another step of footsteps walking towards his home.
"It's okay Makoto. I can take him."
"Rin-"
"I said it's okay. Sousuke will wait."
Haru stops thinking. He hears Rin's voice and the whole world starts spinning again, just like after they had left the restaurant. His voice is very pretty as well. Too bad he can't see Rin's face in the darkness of the streets.
"Come, Haru. I'll hold you."
He doesn't contest, nor complain. Makoto gently puts him down on the ground, and Haru falls on Rin's chest, his arms circling around his neck. He tries to jump on his lap, to seize his legs around his hips but he fails, and Rin has to hold him tight against him to prevent Haru from falling. His head is secure on the crook of his neck. Haru inhales, and then moans softly.
"Don't even think about-"
"Rin you smell so pretty~"
Behind them Makoto is laughing quietly. Haru hears Rin groaning, his throat vibrating against his cheek.
"You're unbelievable," he grumbles.
They stop in front of Makoto's house. Haru hears them talking but isn't sure of what they're saying. Makoto's hands are moving very fast and in every direction, it's like he is explaining something to Rin and the thought gives him a headache.
"Rin, hold me like your bride," Haru says instead, dragging Rin's attention back at him. Why wasn't he taking care of him?
"You mean 'bridal style' you idiot!"
He can't clearly see his face, but Makoto looks either very amused or very annoyed; maybe a mix of both, he can't decide. The warmth of Rin's chest is enough to make him feel sleepy, or maybe it's the alcohol. He doesn't want to let him go. He almost regrets when finally Rin accepts his request and lifts him, holding his legs over his arm while the other supports his back. Haru closes his arms around Rin's neck even more, not by fear of failing or because he feels unstable, but because he is afraid that Rin will let him go.
Oh, Rin was so pretty, with the moonlight reflecting on his eyes, his skin, his lips…and maybe Haru was too drunk, because he just thought about kissing Rin in front of Makoto's house and even now it doesn't seem like a bad idea at all.
He doesn't, though – because he is too drunk to reach those lips.
He vaguely recognizes the shape of the shadows of his room. Haru hadn't even realized they have come this far in such a short time but thinks it might be because of the alcohol. Rin lays him carefully on the bed before pulling the futon down. Haru rolls on his side, watching every of his moves closely, admiring him. It's been so long since they have been alone together.
"What are you talking about? I see you almost every day." Rin answers, and then Haru realizes he has voiced his thoughts aloud.
"No…It's not what I mean," and then Haru crawls on the bed, bends and leans towards Rin. He touches his arms. "It's been so long since I haven't been able to feel you."
His words probably wouldn't make any sense for anyone else but Rin; but it is Rin, and from the look on his face Haru just knows he understands what he is talking about. Haru keeps his grip on Rin's arm, and intentionally lets his fingers drop slowly until they reach his wrist, and entwine with Rin's fingers. He drags him on the bed; at first Rin resists but it doesn't last long. Haru feels a little bit shameless, his eyes not leaving any doubt of what he has in mind – he wants Rin, he wants to touch him, to feel him like no one ever did before; and if it wasn't for the alcohol he would probably have never had these kinds of thoughts. Rin lets him do it without saying a word, his face expressionless, not giving anything away as to what he was really thinking of all that and Haru is glad so glad because he is so pretty and-
Rin lifts him off of the mattress and almost throws him on the futon.
"There's no way I'm gonna sleep on the damn futon when you're so damn drunk and will vomit on my face during the night. Stay still."
His head aches even more than before. When he opens his eyes again Rin is back with a plastic basin, the one he uses to wash the dishes. He gives Rin a very dark eyes; he isn't that drunk, he really is aware of what he is doing, of what he wants of - he falls asleep just seconds later, with Rin gently caressing the back of his head, after he has rolled him on his left side.
.
o0o0o
.
For no reason Haru dreams of a carousel. He is twelve, on a horse and Rin is next to him, yelling that he will win the race this time and Haru can't believe how dumb he can be – they are static, there is no race at all, why does everything has to be a race? Sometimes, things aren't about winning or losing. Sometimes, things are just about how you manage to get through the event of life, without being too damaged.
Things like hangover.
When he opens his eyes, he is still on the carousel. Everything is spinning fast and it's even worse when he closes his eyes. Suddenly something hot and very acidic climbs its way to his throat and he groans. He is about to vomit. Where is the basin? Haru stretches out his arm, but obvious it's on the wrong side – he hits his bed instead.
"Here." Rin's voice answers his silent request, a little low and broken; as if he has just awakened but Haru doesn't care. It takes the basin and empties his whole stomach and even more. He has never felt so bad. It's not even from the physical pain in his head, his stomach, his sore muscles – he must have fought someone, or swam the entire night, he doesn't remember the rest of the night very well to be honest – no, it's for an entirely different reason. And this very reason is handing him the basin he is vomiting in right now.
Rin.
'You are so pretty.'
Seriously, even now he can't think of something to say that would be worse than that.
It wasn't even 'you're hot' or 'you're sexy', which was true and could be taken as a compliment. No, Haruka Nanase said that Rin Matsuoka was pretty. As if he was a girl. He must have hated that, must be pissed at him, when Haru just wanted them to be reunite, just like before.
He doesn't want to meet Rin's gaze yet. It's not that he is ashamed, but he dreads the moment he would realize that he truly finds Rin very pretty. It's like a heavy drum roll; he can almost hear it, hitting on his ribcage. He knows it's coming, it's inevitable but he still doesn't want it to happen, not now, not when he is sick and weak and miserable.
"I'll get you some water," Rin says, and then he disappears before Haru can't give him an answer – even if it was just going to be an hollow 'Ah…', he could have waited.
Haru stares at the basin. He has never felt so alone. Rin is on the carousel with him, but he is on the horse in front of him. Whatever Haru tries, there is nothing he can do to reach him; there never was a chance for them.
Water has never tasted so disgusting. Rin says it's usually the case after drinking so much alcohol. Haru looks at him. Rin looks tired; his eyes are red from fatigue, and Haru hopes it's the only reason – he can't even think about Rin crying in his bed because of him, he just can't – and there are cercles under his eyes. He looks annoyed, but Haru is used to that face. His eyes are confused, but Haru isn't, not anymore.
Rin is gorgeous, and it's the only thing that matters to him at the moment. It took him time, and the bitter reminder that Rin might not be around him every time he needs him, but thanks to Sousuke and his extreme methods Haru now is sure of his feelings for Rin.
Haru caresses Rin's redden cheekbones with his thumb. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't need to. Rin leans in the touch for a second, and then, life goes back to normal – although something imperceptible has changed, between the two of them, and this imperceptible thing is what it takes to change their world.