FMA in 5 minutes
By Regaime Seishi
Narrator- Ed and Al are once again searching for the Philosopher's stone.
Ed and Al- YAY! A lead!
Narrator- This lead brings them to yet another hellhole town where said stone is supposed to reside and where evil lurks ominously...of course…
Scar- I am a servant of God. Therefore I must stalk the Fullmetal Alchemist.
Narrator- Once again the Elric brothers run into the sins.
Ed and Al- GAH! Homunculi!
Sins- we suck cuz we can't use alchemy so we need greedy bastards to do it for us and it's pathetic
Envy- ha, ha it's Fullmetal Pipsqueak.
Ed- I AM NOT SHORT! DAMN YOU ALL!
Al- please don't mind my brother. He's short and angsty but unusually sensitive. Even though I'm the one who acts nice all the time, I have more skeletons in my armor than he does.
Ed- DAMNIT I'M NOT SHORT! ALPHONSE YOU TRAITOR!
Gluttony- can I eat him?
Lust- I am the seductive bitchwad of this show and rule over everything. Therefore I decide who dies next but I cannot seem to find a shirt that fits.
Ed and Al- give us the stone!
Gluttony- can I eat him now?
Narrator- Ed fights Lust and Al fights Gluttony. Envy just sits on his gay ass and impersonates the brothers getting beaten to a pulp. Ed's arm breaks and Al is reduced to scraps of dented metal...again…
Homunculi- (sardonic grins while so-called Philosopher's Stone disintegrates into thin air…again)
Ed and Al- NOOOOO!
Gluttony- can I eat him now? …please?
Scar- I am a servant of God. I must kill you Fullmetal because you are cursed and blow your brains to smithereens.
Lust- I'm the only one who is allowed a death wish. We are using the runt so you can't kill him.
Ed- (even though he has lost way too much blood to be conscious) I AM NOT SHORT DAMNIT!
Scar- I am a servant of God. Where did you get that face you whore? Why do I have a badass tattoo on my arm? What is my real name?
Lust- shutup. Gluttony. Fetch.
Gluttony- MEEAATT!
Scar- (falls unconscious and beaten into a sewer and looses his shirt…again…)…I am…a servant…of God…
Gluttony- damnit!
Lust- now that he's gone we will force you to make the Philosopher's Stone. We are now legally kidnapping you Fullmetal.
Al- isn't that illegal though?
Sins- …no comment because we can't give away the fact that we might be taking orders from Fuehrer Bradley.
Fuehrer Bradley- (shows up on the spot) I am the Hitler of the military and these are all my little military nazis but they don't know that.
Armstrong- (shows up with sparkles dancing around his face) Elric! You are in danger!
Narrator- Armstrong rants about his bloodline and rescues the Elrics…again…in addition to removing his shirt and pointlessly flexing his muscles…again…Both are feeling very depressed to have this babbling moron save their sorry asses…again… Sparkles continue to dance around Armstrong's head as they travel via train to East City.
Sins- and we would've gotten away with it too if not for that meddling kid, the tin man, their muscle man and our undying stupidity.
Ed- (talking on the phone with Winry) I'm sorry but my arm broke into millions of tiny pieces…again…and I need a new one…again…
Winry- DAMN YOU EDWARD!
Al- I'm depressed because people are looking at me weird but at least I didn't get stolen like last time so I guess it's not that bad…
Narrator- by the next episode Ed and Al are completely healed and now Ed finds himself in Mustang's office…again…
Roy- I know what happened because I have little Ed spies placed everywhere I think you might go. I know where you live…lived…
Ed- I AM NOT LITTLE DAMN YOU MUSTANG!
Roy- I know your secrets.
Ed- Tell me about the Philosopher's stone.
Roy- I know nothing…
Ed- DAMN YOU!
Narrator- Ed leaves Roy to stare disgustedly at the pile of paperwork Ed created with his little adventures…again…
Roy- He, he. Fire…he, he…paperwork. He, he…BURN!
Narrator- fireworks ensue from Mustang's office while Ed hangs with the rest of Flamey's minions…subordinates.
Maes- I LOVE MY DAUGHTER! I LOVE MY WIFE! LOOK AT MY PICTURES! AREN'T THEY THE BEST KODAC MOMENTS IN FAMILY HISTORY!
Riza- (shoots at Maes)
Maes- GGAAAHH!
Havoc- (takes out another cigarette and rolls eyes)
Falman- (saluting for no apparent reason) smoking is bad for you; it'll give you cancer! I am telling you this because I am way too uptight and I'm afraid of getting fired…or something…
Breda- (being chased by Black Hayate) HEEELLLPPP!
Fury- I'm scared of cancer! I'm scared of everything!
Maria Ross- Ed sir it's dangerous here!
Ed- Fuck you.
Narrator- Ed and Al go to library…again…to brood over their misfortunes and look for leads on the Philosopher's Stone even though they know there are none…again…
Narrator- scene switches to sins…again…
Greed- everything belongs to me
Envy- (changes into sardonic singing chipmunk) evil…I'm so evil…I will keeeel…Fullmetal pipsqueak cuz I hate his daddy…
Narrator- In East City Ed looks up from the book he is reading.
Ed- I AM NOT A PIPQUEAK YOU DAMN PALM TREE!
Al- ?
Roy- (sitting at desk contemplating the fastest way to become Fuehrer) hnn…miniskirts…hehe…
Narrator- THE END!