You really have to pay attention to the dates or you will get massively confused. Other than that, please enjoy...and for the love of Buddha,
Reviews are sexy.
11/17/2004
Matt left today. There was no note. He's gone. Probably forever. I'll write later.
11/15/2004
I'm going to leave Mello. This thing that we have…this…this bullshit relationship that we've been clinging onto…it's just not working. Every time I look into his eyes I see less and less of him…I'm losing him, and I'm not going to be around the day that he disappears completely. I don't know where I'll go, but the streets aren't too cold yet. I should be fine.
11/17/2003
Matt moved in today. I'm happy, truly, this is good for me….I think. We went out and bought a couch. It's yellow. We got it at a thrift store for $12, it's dotted with cigarette burns and stains, but we like it. We also bought matching coffee mugs. They say "I Love You, Mom". They're cracking, but they work. Hopefully tonight we will be able to break in our mattress. Even if it is just an air mattress in a corner. Write tomorrow with details.
12/17/2003
For the first time I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time with the right person. Mello is sitting on the couch as we speak, I'm on the floor, watching him. The way he laughs is so cute…the curve of his jaw bone as he licks at his chocolate. I'm smoking, I know he doesn't approve, but I also know he wouldn't breathe a word. It's just how he is. And I love that about him. It's been a month today since I moved in and I'm still as happy as the first day. I hope it stays this way.
11/19/2004
I can't contain this anymore. This sadness. The unbelievable sadness that is overtaking my body. It's setting my nerves on edge. My brain is on fire. I can't stop thinking about him. Every time I try to sleep his voice echoes in my ear…every time I look in the mirror I see his red hair out of the corner of my eye…like a ghost. A fucking ghost. Matt, why did you do this to me…why did you do this to us? I loved you. I loved you with everything that I had in me…everything that was capable of loving. That's what I gave to you. And you do this? You throw it back in my face like it was meaningless…like it was easy. Cheap. Well, you know what? I know this is what you wanted. To ruin me…to ruin everything good that I had going on in my life. And you know? You did. You ruined it; I won't pretend it doesn't affect me, because it fucking does. It fucking hurts. And you did this. You caused this pain, and I can never forgive you.
1/30/2004
I'm seeing someone, and it's not Mello. I feel awful already and it's only been a few days. Mello can't give me what I need. He tries…oh, God, he tries. I see the strain in his eyes when he tells me he loves me…and I can see the lie there too. I love him, I fucking love him, but…he doesn't love me. So, I have Danny. Danny with his soft blue eyes…with his innocent, searching hands. The kind of boy I should fall in love with. But, I couldn't. I'd always been a masochist, this was no exception. I'll just have to go with it, take each day as It comes and pray that Mello doesn't find out.
1/30/2004
Today was wonderful. Matt was working all day, I missed him terribly but it gave me a chance to catch up on my reading. I sat by the window and let the pages carry me away. When Matt came home he brought me my favorite chocolate. He had a strange look in his eyes and he handed it over…a small strain in the smile he wore when I kissed him. I couldn't place what it was…but maybe I was just overanalyzing things. I tended to do that. Well, we're about to go out to grab a bite to eat. Maybe afterwards we'll go to the park. Who knows.
11/18/2004
I miss him. It's taking everything in me to not go running back…to not go pound on his door and beg him to forgive me. But I knew that he would forgive me. And that it would be a lie. He would take me back and say that he loves me, but I would know the truth. And that truth was what made me leave…nothing more, nothing less. I wanted to be with someone that wanted to be with me.
4/20/2004
I think Matt's cheating on me. Don't know why. I need to get away.
4/21/2004
Mello left today, he told me that he needed a break…that he needed to get away and think. I don't know where he went; he didn't want me to know. But, he said he would be back soon. I won't see Danny while he's gone, I don't need to. I hope that wherever Mello is that he's safe.
12/4/2004
I can't feel anything anymore. Not. One. Thing. The game I play…slide the blade across my skin. I can't feel it…I feel like I don't exist. I'm not here. Not anymore.
11/16/2004
I'm going to leave tomorrow. I'm starting to pack, I think he knows. How could he not? This may be the last time I write in this journal…but, then again, maybe I will, but it seems useless if I'm not going to have Mello. We'll see.
4/25/2004
Yeah, I know. I wasn't gone long…but it was just enough to clear my head. I can finally think again, it's such a relief. I know with absolute certainty that I'm not the only one…I don't think that I ever was. I'm not going to let him see my pain; I don't want to give him the satisfaction. I'm just going to ignore it, because I love him too much for any other act to be possible. Shit. I'm out of chocolate. I need to go to the store. Write later.
4/25/2004
Mello came back today. I didn't see Danny while he was gone, there was no reason for me too. He called…and called…it took nothing at all for me to ignore it, which scared me. All I keep thinking about was how much I missed Mello. I guess some part of me kept hoping that he would come back and be changed…like that little bit of doubt that I saw in his eyes would be gone and he would say he loved me and I would believe it…not because I had to, but because I couldn't see a lie. I don't know. He's been kind of quiet. We'll see how it goes.
6/6/2004
Things are back to normal I think. We've settled into a routine, he has his vices and I have mine…but for the most part I think that they mold well together. Matt spilled wine on the couch today. It covers almost the entire right side. I think it adds character.
10/14/2004
This is wearing on me.
10/31/2004
It's Halloween and we're sitting in the house. Matt's at the door handing out candy and I'm watching him. He doesn't look happy…of course…he never does anymore. I don't know what to do to help him…all I can do is wait…I try…I tell him I love him and all I get back is a look of skepticism, like he doesn't believe me. I want to scream at him, I want to shake him into believing me…because I really do love him…I've never loved anyone more.
11/1/2004
All I can say is fuck it.
11/10/2004
Something's wrong, but I can't place it. I just want to go sleep.
11/13/2004
I…I…can't even feel what I'm feeling…I'm so overwhelmed with emotions…I want to write, but I don't know how to start.
11/13/2004
Something's changed in his eyes…like something's about to happen. I think I know, but I won't let myself accept it…it can't be…he'll stay…I know he will…he has too.
11/14/2004
I think I know what I have to do. I can't write it down…he can't know…if he knows then I won't do it because I love him…I love him..I love him…
1/1/2005
I can't go on being numb anymore. I'm writing this because I hope that you'll find it.
Dear Matt,
I tried to live without you and I couldn't. The days have been passing so slowly I stopped being able to tell if they were passing at all…and I couldn't sleep without your voice echoing though my subconscious…a record forever on repeat playing a song that you can't bear to hear because of the bitter memories associated with it. I loved you and I'm so sorry that you couldn't see that. I loved you with more than I ever thought I was capable of…with a edge that stung when I thought about it. If you're reading this…I'm gone, but I don't think I need to tell you that. It's the start of a New Year and I can't live another one without you in it…the promise of 365 empty days is too much to bear. I love you…I love you…I love you, I always have.
Goodbye my love,
Mello.
1/2/2005
I'm staring down at his name in the papers. I can't believe it…he's dead…he's dead and so is my only remaining link to the world. What Is the world without him in it? Mello…why did you do this? Why? To whom ever finds this journal…let it be known; I loved him with all of my heart and nothing anyone could have done would have changed that.
Goodbye world, goodbye my love,
Matt.