A/N - This is my first attempt at a fan fiction. I've read so many and thought I would write my own. This one is meant to be humorous and satirical. And yes... there is romance between Ron and Hermoine who will eventually be the main characters of this AU love story. The love don't come easy in this one but it's meant to be a funny, bumpy ride along the way. The story is rated M for adult themes and content.

Disclaimer - I do not own Harry Potter

Chapter One – Too Little, Too Late

Severus Snape viciously kicks down the front door and enters what is left of James and Lily Potter's house. There is thick putrid smoke everywhere. With each breathe his eyes water and his nostrils burn as the foul mixture of smoke and soot fills his lungs. He strains his ears for any sign of life and it is then he hears a faint cry coming from upstairs. The thought of Lily possibly being alive, possibly surviving the attack or in the process of fighting off the Dark Lord, spurs him on. I'm coming my love! Hoping against hope that Lily is still alive, Snape rushes up the stairway, taking two steps at a time. His wand is at the ready, planning to strike down the Dark Lord, if necessary, to save Lily Potter. Halfway up the stairs Snape feels something crunch beneath his left foot. He quickly lifts his foot and braces himself, preparing to do battle with Merlin knows what. When no attack comes he tentatively reaches down to poke at whatever is under his foot with his wand. His wand touches something and he recoils, again bracing for an attack. Nothing happens. With a bit more confidence he reaches down with his left hand and feels what is underneath the tip of his wand. It is flesh! A face to be exact! "Lily? He whispers. "Is that you? Am I too late? Oh my love." He groans caressing her hair, her face... "Wait! Lily doesn't wear glasses!" Realizing any type of illumination spell would be futile in this thick smoke, he bends down for a closer look. Why it's James Potter! He feels around for a pulse. There is none... He's dead! "Yessss! He's dead! Thank you Dark Lord! Ha! Ha! Now to Avada Kadava your Dark Lord arse, rescue the girl, and win her heart! The little brat can go to a boarding school..."

With a smirk Snape stomps on James' Potter face before continuing his arduous climb to the second floor. When he reaches the top landing Snape peers around. The air is clearer on the second floor because of a big gaping hole where the roof used to be on the right side of the house. Hence most of the smoke in this part of the house has dissipated into the crisp fall sky. The moonlight from the full moon casts an eerie glow to everything it touches. He looks towards a door at the end of the hallway where he can hear scuffling and the Dark Lord's husky voice along with Lily's high pitched screams. From behind the door he hears, "Avada Kadava!" followed by a scream and a loud thud. He then hears a shrill wail, a swoosh of wind and green smoke begins to pour from beneath the door. Next he hears faint crying. Could it be? Oh Sweet Merlin! Is Lily still alive? Snape moves rapidly down the hallway wand ready to duel it out with the Dark Lord as he kicks in the door!

"Avada Kada... What?!" Snape spins around. "Where's the Dark Lord? Where's Lily? Ewww! What's that horrible smell?" Just then he notices the source of the crying he heard. There stands little Harry Potter in his crib clinging to the top rail. Tears are in his eyes, and from the smell of him, a wet poopie nappy is drooping from his bum. Oh no! Snape backs away in disgust, nostrils flaring. He uses his left arm to cover his nose while keeping his wand steady and frantically looking around the room, trying to see through the green haze.

Harry reaches up his arms to him. "Oh no, you James Potter look-a-like in a stank nappy! I'm not picking you up. Not with you smelling like that..." Harry plops down in his crib and reaches out his arms again through the rails. It is then that Snape's attention is drawn to the floor in front of Harry's crib.

"Lily? Lily? Is that you?" He stares at her lifeless body and realizes he is too late. Uncovering his nose Snape wails and drops to the floor on both knees. He scoops up Lily's lifeless body and hugs her to him. "Lily! Lily!" He cries, lightly caressing her cheek and kissing the top of her head.

"Lily! Oh Lily! I'm too late! I'm too late!" The Dark Lord will pay for this! Snape vows. Where is he? Where is the Dark Lord? Why did he kill James and Lily Potter and yet leave little Harry unscathed? Was it the poopie nappy that saved little Harry? Oh that's preposterous! The Dark Lord has no nose after all. It is then Snape notices the Dark Lord's robe and his wand lying on the floor. The robe is smoldering and there are little plumes of green smoke rising from it. Snape can make out some faint movement from underneath the robe. He reaches out tentatively to lift the robe up but a rat jumps out from nowhere and tries to bite his hand.

Snape quickly jerks his hand back to avoid the rat's sharp teeth. "Stupify!" The rat is successfully immobilized." Incarcerous!" Snape ties up the rat and flings it against the wall with his wand.

"What the deuce! James Potter has his wife and child living in a rat infested hovel? It's an outrage!" Just then Harry emits a pitiful whimper from inside his crib, drawing Snape's attention away from the smoldering robe.

Oh no! There's no way I'm touching that baby. His nappy could be lethal! If it was strong enough to reduce the Dark Lord to green smoke, no telling what it could do to me. I'm leaving him for the Aurors. With that Snape stands up lifting Lily Potter's body with him. I refuse to leave her body here to be ravished by rodents! He holds her tightly to him and, Apparates to Diagon Alley. Once he is certain the coast is clear, Snape walks into the Leaky Cauldron holding Lily Potter in his arms. " Room for two adults," he orders the desk clerk. The desk clerk warily eyes Lily Potter's limp body, "firewhiskey makes 'em frisky", Snape sneers. "She don't look frisky to me mate. In fact, she looks the opposite of frisky, if you ask me." The desk clerk replies. "Well, nobody asked you!" Snape retorts. The desk clerk shrugs and hands him a room key. "Oh, and I need to rent an owl. I'll come back for it once we get... settled." The desk clerk nods.

Room key in hand; Snape slowly walks to his room gently carrying Lily's still body. Once inside the room he tenderly lays her on the bed. He then quickly marches back to the front desk to rent an owl. Owl in hand, he sends an urgent message addressed to Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Snape then returns to his room to properly pay his final respects to Lily Potter.