This is my first Pride & Prejudice fan fiction, I've got a big idea for it, but no idea how this will turn out. Wish me luck.

Chapter 1: A Loss of Self

It is a truth universally acknowledged that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. (1) But this truth while universal has never done much to chase away the pain that comes with that loss. It can change a person for better or worse. One can become stronger, or break. For most they withdraw into their selves, putting on a mask of the world so society cannot see the pain. For Elizabeth Bennet, this withdrawal became her new mantle. No one would know of her disappointed hopes in the love she had gained but lost again before the gentleman could learn of its reciprocation.

It had been a year to the day since she had last seen him, she could still in her mind's eye see the depth of his care and concern for her in his eyes. Eyes of the deepest steel blue that reminded her of the sky before a storm. They had been the first thing she had noticed about him when he entered the assembly in Meryton. Eyes that held such depth and expression could show the man behind the stony façade. A window that had opened for her to see the love he held for her and within a sentence had shut her out.

Elizabeth kicked at an old oak stump in front of her, built up emotions from her loss getting the better of her. No one was aware of the loss she felt, her stubborn pride forbid her from confiding in her family and friends. She felt silly for these emotions. He had not been hers. She had rejected him when he had declared himself to her and though he had been friendly with her in Derbyshire he had not declared himself again. His feelings must have changed just as she had moved in the opposite direction. But with the shame that was upon her family, how could she blame him for that.

Had her pride and vanity not been in the way and she had accepted him back in April, she would be with him now. But then he would be connected to the disgrace of her family and have George Wickham as a brother. After all that despicable man had done to his family, she did not wish for him to have that connection with him or his sister. What must he now think of her when all his previous beliefs of her family had been proven correct? Being in the world knowing he felt ill of her, caused her heart pain. "Silly, foolish, selfish Lydia", she muttered to the woods.

She kicked at a pile of leaves that had fallen far too early this summer, her youngest sister had brought much pain and ridicule over the years to their family, but this shame had almost destroyed them. For the shame of one sister befalls them all. She knew how lucky they were that her uncle had discovered Lydia and Wickham and had forced the marriage albeit in a hastily patched up way. But it meant that her lovely sister Jane had been able to court and married Charles Bingley when he had returned to Hertfordshire. She was happy for Jane, and it was for this reason she told no one of her pain. She adopted her sister's serene personality when facing the world, her friends and neighbours did not need to know. She laughed and danced like always and believed them all fooled that she was the same as before she had ever met Mr. Dar... "NO", she told herself "you will not think his name". The man from Derbyshire, with his tall, strong frame, with a mask of indifference, but with the kind gentle eyes.

She began to notice the lateness of the hour, her father would begin to worry about her whereabouts with the darkening of the sky. He knew she would remain within the boundaries of Longbourn, but since the removal of two daughters from his house he had taken to keeping tabs on where his eldest unmarried daughter was when she went on her solitary rambles. Her father had not really changed much from the experience of Lydia's foolishness. He remained in his study for long periods, except for dinner and an hour in the sitting room following. She knew he was aware of his lapse in his parental duties to them, but he had done nothing to change this failure.

…...

Mr. Bennet sat at the window of his study looking into the thicket of trees awaiting the appearance of his dear Lizzy. Every day when she ventured out on her walk he kept vigil from his seat awaiting her return. He worried about her, not knowing why his favourite child had withdrawn into herself. He suspected she was feeling the shame of her youngest sister's elopement and the loss of her elder sister to marriage. This change in his Lizzy was unsettling, the spark in her emerald eyes had faded, her laugh was lacking it's mirth and though she smiled it never reached her once fine eyes.

He had sat back the last year, watching this decline not knowing the cause or how to bring her spirit back. At first he truly believed that it would come back with time, but as the seasons changed, and Jane had left for her wedding tour, the emptiness of Elizabeth's eyes brought chills through him. He had failed them all. His family was in shatters still recovering from the scandal of his youngest's folly. He knew not how to bring life back into his remaining daughters. Though his wife, was as exuberant as always, taking pride in the fact she had two daughters married, gossiping with the neighbourhood and bragging about the fortune of having two handsome sons. Mary, his middle child, was as serious as ever preaching her sermons to her remaining sisters. How the folly of women and the liveliness of their youngest sister was the reason for this situation. And though Jane had married for love and escaped the scandal Lizzy and Kitty would do well to remember Fordyce's sermons. Kitty had somewhat improved with the removal of Lydia's influence. She was no longer giggling and speaking of lace and officers. She did little speak at all unless spoken to. She had immersed herself in her sketches and would often sit out with Mary when they attended assemblies.

He missed the familiar noises of his estate, which though was much to do about frivolous activities, showed the love and happiness of his family. He missed his Lizzy most of all, though her physical presence was there it was as though she left part of herself back in the Lake District with his Brother and Sister Gardiner. He had written to his brother-in-law asking about what Elizabeth had been like while on their tour last summer several times. He had been assured that she had been in fine spirits, nothing had occurred to dampen the tour except for the Lydia/Wickham fiasco.

Thomas Bennet reluctantly accepted that it was due to his neglect that his family was suffering. He glanced again at the tree line and saw Lizzy's form walking towards the house. "At last, she returns," he thought. He knew he needed to act and find a way to ease Lizzy's spirit back as her rambles were bringing her back later each day. He feared one of these days the darkness would not only take her remaining spirit but her life as well.

Jane was to return within the week. He would speak to her, she understood her sister's mood. Yes, Jane would find what plagued her.

…

(1) Shameless mashup from Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" Chapter One and Alfred Lord Tennyson's "In Memoriam A. H. H. OBIIT MDCCCXXXIII: 27"

A/N: All characters belong to Jane Austen, but the story belongs to me.

PLEASE REVIEW! I am happy with how Chapter 1 has gone and I am hoping I can stick to my plan for it