Some people call it their 'moment,' a moment of clarity and the big turning point of their life. They make it out to be some big significant event that you couldn't possibly miss, which I think is unfair. Upon reflection, tracing an accumulation of events back far enough to that 'moment' may make it seem like a flash of inspiration, but it's really not that obvious to you when it actually happens. It's a quiet thought, one you've been holding in your subconscious, waiting for the time where you'll accept its promise of hope. It has tried to surface before and was rejected, but it is that one time where it is finally looked upon as possible, and not ridiculous, that becomes the 'moment.' You don't realize this is your turning point. Nothing happens right away. But you begin to make different choices. Not drastic ones, just things like avoiding an argument by keeping your cynical opinion to yourself, or letting yourself enjoy the beauty of the night sky without cursing it and what it took from you. Well, what it took from me, anyway. It is only years later when you have come out the other side that you can look back on your choices and see the path you've walked. And finally breathe and move forward.

"Wait, wait, no, go here. Yes, that's it! Now practice that on your own, I'll be right here if you need me." Outwardly I'm the nicest, most patient teacher, inside I'm screaming with impatience and swear words no one will ever hear. Probably a good thing. I straighten my back from leaning over the poor soul I was inwardly chastising and hear my body crack and loosen.

"Ow, you should get that taken care of."

I turned around to find Commander Poe Dameron standing in the middle of my library's workstation area. I grinned and rolled my shoulders, creating even more cracking noises. He made a face. Happy to see I had grossed him out, I clasped my hands together in front of me and mentally switched gears. "What can I help you with today?"

"I need access to certain archives here at your library, but I kind of need a bit of privacy." I paused and chewed my lip, thinking of options. I knew he did classified work all the time, so really the only private workstation was my own. "Let's set you up in my office, I'm pretty busy out here this morning so I won't need it for a while." Leading him into my office, I pulled out a chair for him and leaned over and opened up the archive database. "Are you okay from here? I'll be in the other room if you need help."

"I can do this. You can go back to work." I watched as he tried to nonchalantly take in the massive amount of archaeological artifacts in my hoarder's paradise of an office. There was barely enough room for the chair to swivel in a circle, and shelves from floor to ceiling were packed to the edges with books and statues. I felt comfortable there, but it made some people claustrophobic.

"You are my work." I smiled. "Have fun and stay out of my folders or I won't be so nice to you next time." I patted his droid's head as I walked out. BB-8 was always adorable.

I spent the rest of the morning shuffling from person to person, occasionally peeking in on Poe. He seemed very into whatever he was researching, and really good at using the databases. Finally it seemed to slow down and people had to return to work after their lunch breaks. I could finally get some food for myself.

"Commander, I have to eat or pass out. Are you almost done or should I show you how to lock up?"

He sat back and stretched his arms over his head, then lowered them to thread his fingers through his hair. The simple act reminded me of Lance, the way he would let his hair fall through his fingers, and how he would give me that relaxed-I-want-you look. The one I would never see again. My breath caught in my throat, and I couldn't breathe, the painful memory blocking any thought process. I grabbed the chair next to me for support and watched the tunnel vision close in. The tears started pushing against my eyelids. Wow, that hadn't happened in a long time. Breathe. Deeper. Hold it in. Exhale. This was not working.

Poe was oblivious. BB-8 was not. The droid let out a concerned beep and rolled over to me. My heart melted a little that a droid would notice my distress, but I wanted to hide my problems, not air them out to the world. Poe had turned his head to watch our interaction, but didn't say anything. "It's fine BB-8, don't make a big deal of it," I whispered through my constricted throat. I needed to get away from Poe immediately or this was going to become awkward. "Nevermind, hit the big button on the wall, then close the door behind you." I left before he could utter a response and stopped around the corner of the building. There I let it loose, the huge wet sobs that released the emotions I was holding in. Luckily it didn't last long, so I quickly wiped my face and rose from my crouch on the ground.

I headed for the cafeteria. Lack of food had to be the reason that little anxiety attack snuck up on me. Picking up my favorite comfort food (which means anything they were currently serving without nutrition) I sat down at one of the long empty tables. Halfway through my trance of shoveling the plate of food into my mouth, a huge frothy smoothie appeared above my plate. I immediately wrapped both of my hands around the cup and pulled it against my chest. Looking up, I see Poe standing over me. "For me?" I ask.

Poe chuckled. "With an expression like that on your face, I would be a horrible person to say no. But yes, it's for you. It's full of vitamins and healthy crap. Drink up."

I took a big gulp and smiled at my cup. "Best thing to happen to me this month."

"You gonna tell me what happened back there?"

My smile disappeared. "Nope."

A thought suddenly occurred to me. "Can I still keep the smoothie?"

He smiled, nodded, and sat down across the table from me. We sat in silence while I devoured my food. I glanced up at him. He was quietly watching me, but had this thoughtful look on his face, probably rating how awful my tear stained face looked. I leaned back in my chair and proceeded to finish off the drink, staring back at him wondering how this conversation was going to go.

"Are you seeing someone?" He finally asked, breaking the quiet.

"Oh yeah," I said waving my hand in the air dismissively. "I'm fine, I only go every once in a while now."

His face was a mask of complete confusion, his eyebrows raised and creased together.

I leaned forward a hair. "Therapist? For grief counseling? You're thinking I'm a little nuts, right? Everybody does."

His face relaxed and I watched him give an almost imperceptible mental shake. "No, seeing someone as in a relationship."

"Oh. OHHH." I truly hadn't seen that coming. No one had asked me that in years. "I guess not. I mean, no, not at all. Not for a long time," I responded, almost whispering the last sentence.

"Ok," Poe said with a serious face. He stood up. "I've got to get going, I'm leaving on another scavenger hunt for the General in a few hours. Try to eat better."

I sat there a little stunned as I watched him walk out. What was that? Did he ask as part of conversation? Was he interested in me? If so, then why end the conversation and leave? Did I scare him away with the therapy admission? I was at a total loss. I finished up my drink and went back to my library to finish the day. And fight the usual depressing feeling that comes after I am reminded I'm alone.

Poe watched Cora walk back to the library. He really did have to leave, and he had wanted to stay longer to talk to her, but he had gotten a gut feeling he needed to give her space to process this step. They all had grief in their lives, it was a part you had to accept when you worked in the Resistance, it was war. Either she couldn't handle it well or something specific had happened to give her the reputation of being a crazy recluse. He needed to find out. What people had rumored about her didn't seem to match the upbeat, sassy attitude he had witnessed all morning long. The way she easily bantered back and forth between all the different species in their own languages as she helped them was not only amazing to watch, but had stolen his concentration completely away from the research he had been trying to finish. It had taken him twice as long as it should have to get it done.

Entering the General's office, Poe instantly became more formal. "Reporting for duty," he said to her. Leia looked excitedly at him and pulled a star map up for them to look at. Poe already knew where he was headed, he had studied the planet earlier. But Leia had additional plans for him.

"I'm having you take a long route to avoid some First Order activity we have detected. I'm sorry but it's the safest way to keep anyone from associating you with this base."

"Not a problem General. I agree." After going over who and where he was supposed to contact, she deactivated the star chart. Their briefing finished, Poe switched to a more relaxed tone with Leia. Despite their professional relationship, their trust in each other had allowed them to form a friendship. "What's the story on Cora the Library Director?"

Leia frowned. "Cora is an incredibly important part of my research team. Many of your missions are a direct result of her findings. She's been here a very long time." Leia smiled. "I brought her and her husband with me from Coruscant on one of my initial scouting trips for this base. They were both so dedicated to our cause, much like you are, Poe." Leia paused, sadness clouding her face. "Lance was a pilot. And like many pilots, as you well know, one time he didn't come back from a mission. She was devastated, and we nearly lost her too." She stopped talking and pinned Poe with a harsh glare. "We got her back from the edge, and I do mean the very edge, so don't put her there again. She's too important to the Resistance. I can tell what your intention was by the way you're trying to shrink away from me now. Think carefully about what you do next."

Rook looked back at me over her shoulder. "Hey girl, what's up?" She turned back and I watched her head disappear into the x-wing's belly. I wasn't sure how to approach the subject with her, and suddenly felt nervous.

"Would it be ok by now to think about dating someone?" I asked.

She stopped moving. I watched her for a few very long seconds before prompting her again. "What do you think? You can't hide in that engine forever, you know."

"I can try," came the muffled reply. Rook slowly crawled out and crouched down on the ground to face me. "Do you feel like you want to? I'll say that plenty of time has passed that you don't have to worry about it being too soon in other people's eyes, even mine. But is it something you want? And what brought this on?"

"I don't know, it was just a question. Someone asked me if I was single, and it got me thinking about my situation."

"Someone asked you out?"

"Actually, no. It was part of a conversation. I guess. I said I wasn't seeing anyone, and it got me to thinking of whether I even wanted to be with someone again." I sat down on the ground with her. "I'd really like to have sex again. I'm not sure in what context, like a one-nighter or a friends that fuck sort of arrangement."

She let out a sigh and leaned back on her hands. "You are not the sort of one night stand person, you are just too damn curious about people and their habits. You wouldn't be able to let it go."

"So I go the friend route? Will that work? People really do that?"

"Well, think that through. Eventually that friend may decide they want a more permanent situation, or they find another friend they want too." She looked at the ground. "Or you may decide you like them more than a friend."

I stood up. "Nevermind. I don't know what I was thinking." I looked up to the clear sky and slapped myself with guilt at even considering being with another man. It was an easy, familiar feeling to create. I'd been making myself feel guilty for years.