My Way Home is Through You
Mantinas: It started with my friend playing "Understanding" a bit too much and then thinking of using it for "Lonely Creatures" with Ben singing it as a demon. But after typing it, it didn't quite fit, so I took it out and did this. However, something came up in my life so I kinda put that in here, too.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything pertaining to Ben 10/AF/UA/O.
Dedicated to: My booji-boo. Happy One Year Anniversary! "Yes! Stitch loves Angel! Mega tey booji-boos!"
(X)(X)(X)
I'm in blackness. Wherever I am, it consists of black. I observe, but do not bother figuring out how, that with every breath I take I am inhaling and exhaling black. I partially wonder if I feel the black settling within my lungs like rocks or if it is just my confused mind playing with me. Another dream? It's getting harder and harder to remember.
A light comes on and music starts to play.
It is within that moment that I understand that I am in a corridor several feet from a door. Without any trepidation I walk forward towards the light. Something neon red yet it is written in what looks to be blood to my left.
We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone and we're
Not together
And that is real
I mull it over for a second, but it is unimportant. I walk on towards the light. I push open the door a little wider and I am greeted to Ben sitting over a large book by the fireplace. He closes the book gently and in a silky smooth voice he says: "Hello Kevin."
"Ben," I say where words fail me.
He stands and faces me, his eyes reflecting the fire behind him. No…
Hell dances within his eyes.
And it is within that moment I realize that this is not my Ben…
"What makes you say that, Kevin?" He asks with a tilt to his head. I would have found it adorable on Ben, but with this crude mockery before me, I am repulsed.
It is him, some incubus that finds humor in wearing Ben's skin. Bastards. It is old news to me, though how old I have no idea as the memory comes back again. Max showed me an old ritual to, in a way, go and get Ben back. And with Gwen's help, they preformed it and now I am actually in my mind, yet at the same time where Ben is. It is like being in a heavily induced coma while being near death. But I would do anything to get my Benji back.
"Kevin please don't hate me…" He whines out, his face contorted in sorrow as he approaches me in need of comfort. "Because I'll die if you do…"
I am full of regret. But yet I shake it off. His sad face is closer now as he wraps his sensual arms around my neck. He is trying to take over. He tries to pull us closer, but I refuse.
"I'll die if you do…"
Why…?
I'm panting in his grip but I calm myself down. Just a dream. Just a dream and not even a scary one. With a sigh I lower my head and stare at the incubus that dares to wear Ben's skin. Piercing it with my utmost loathing and hatred.
He sniffs and tears fall from his eyes.
I am in the corridor once more. I groan, but I hear something off in the distance. I am pulled towards it…Such a pretty melody…No, it's more than that! It's sweet, sorrowful, yet so very pretty and heartfelt. I can barely make out the words but I force myself away. It is enchanting me. That is dangerous here.
The scenery shifts. I'm in Hell. Literally. Though the demon loves pointing out that it is actually what my mind perceives as Hell and the real thing does not look like 'Hollywood's images' like this does.
People scream, their bodies are skinless and writhing in the flame. Ben sticks three through the heart with his pitchfork and raise it, impaling them further and laughing as they slowly fall towards the base. Children in Hell…What a concept.
"It is, isn't it." Ben smirks, his voice bothers me, too. He never stops sounding like him. It's even more disturbing when it is laced with blood lust. "Despite what I say, I really wish Hell was like this. The real thing is so boring!"
"If it's nothing like the movies; why take Ben?" I say, stepping on someone's head with a squishy crunch. "That's like the movies."
"What makes you so sure that Ben wasn't one of us to begin with?" That smile…It would give Joker a run for his money. Ben never smiled like that. Yet it looks perfectly at home on his face. "I mean…You only knew him for almost a year, Kevin. People can still keep secrets years later."
"Ben was an angel. He gave light where once was darkness."
"Oh Kevin," Ben says. It sounds like Ben when he's truly touched. When he really means it.
Rage fills me and I charge…Right into a Masque ball. So many different faces. So many dancers. The band shifts into another song and a choir performs.
Masquerade, paper faces on parade!
Masquerade!
Hide your face so the world will never find you!
Masquerade!
Every face a different shade!
Masquerade, look around there's another mask behind you
And right when they say it I feel a hand tap me on my shoulder and the song softens to the background. I know who it is, but I find myself turning around anyway. Well, I was not expecting that.
It was Ben, but he was in a flowing, dark green dress with ruffled lace and a wig that stood straight up. His mask was black, one of those attached to a stick. I do not know what I was expecting, but this was not it. I'm enraged for a second, yet I do not know why.
"I thought we needed a change of pace." He clears his throat. I get it. He wants to dance. Ben wants to dance with me.
But I don't…Everything becomes narrower. I'm wearing a mask. I look down and see red.
"The Red Death," He…She says. "The nineteen-eighty-nine version. Your favorite.(1)"
We are in the middle of dancing when it all comes crashing down like a ton of bricks. I growl and try to push away, but its grip is too tight.
"Don't hate me, Kevin…"
"Your desecrating Ben's body even more, now! Why shouldn't I hate you?"
"You weren't always gay, you know. There was a time…"
"A lie and Ben would know it. I love Ben."
"But what if Ben had boobs and a vagina?" His eyes are watering. Pleading. "What if I had boobs and a penis? Or…Or what if I was born a woman but only pretending to be a man because I feel it is what I should have been?"
I look him right in his eyes. A part of me is failing…It truly believes that I could be talking to Ben right now. I look into his eyes and all I can do is pour my heart out.
"I will always love Ben no matter what. Gay, straight…Shit, Ben, you know you're the only one I've ever had eyes for! If we want to label me, then call me a Bensexual or something." I hug him to me as if he were my only life line; which Ben is.
But this isn't Ben…
"Please don't hate me, Kevin." He's crying now. "Because I'll die if you do."
The world loses color. I'm standing on the roof top balcony with the noise from the party behind me. I see her standing against the rail, her dress flapping in the wind that reeks of post-rain bliss.
She looks so alone.
I walk towards her and notice when she stiffens in recognition of no longer being alone. She shivers. I stop, giving her space.
"Nice night." I'm looking at the stars that are coming out from behind the clouds.
"Yeah,"
I pull out a cigarette and my lighter. I light it and offer it to her.
She takes it without turning to face me. She takes a drag before letting it out.
"You bored by that party like I am?" She asks.
My hand reaches for my .45 in my pocket.
"Can you truly kill me, Kevin?"
She turns around and reveals Ben's face. My eyes widen yet I still produce my gun and aim right at him.
"Just give me Ben back and I'll let you live!"
"But Kevin," He says, eyes glimmering. I'm not sure if it's from the rain or not. "This is me! This is Ben!"
I grit my teeth and pull the trigger…
Everything goes dark and I'm left with the sound of the silencer for a brief second.
"Oh Kevin." Echoes sadly in the void.
I'm greeted with a bright flash and then everything goes dark for a second and then a light comes on to my right. I turn and see a stage. Professor Paradox walks onto the stage. But I know it is not him, his gait is too stiff, too much like rusty machinery that is ready to give out.
You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant,
Too shameful for us to entertain,
We reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there.
He walks off the stage and the light shines on Ben. He looks so sad. I want to run to him. To make the tears stop. But I cannot. I am chained to the black beneath me that I am standing on. I take control again. This is not Ben. Just his skin!
The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
The words sound like he is enjoying my pain…Yet he does not waver. Even the tone sounds so sorrowful…
In our mutual shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from truth that finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
Why would I be afraid? I have jumped into Hell to save Benji. My life means nothing without him. And then something hits me…
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence screaming in our hearts
A small, possibly hopeful smile breaks through for only a moment.
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
For I try to fight the truth my final time
He wouldn't mean…NO! Ben is sobbing but continues:
We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, Kevin, and we're together
And that is real.
I recognize that phrase. It breaks my heart hearing it from Ben. Grrr…Not Ben! But…What if?
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
He sounds so lost. So defeated…Damn chains! Why can't I be free to comfort Benji?!
Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot bare it all alone
I snap. No…No Ben! No! Ben! I open my mouth and this comes out. Out from my very soul.
You're not alone, honey.
Never…Never.
Ben smiles as a tear trickles down his face. I smile reassuringly back. But he screams in rage. Why?
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away!
It just won't fade away…No…
Can't wash it all away!
Can't wish it all away!
Can't cry it all away!
Can't scratch it all away!
His voice gets dimmer. I want to cry. I want to cry and hold him to me so bad!
Can't fight it all away…
Can't hope it all away…
Can't scream it all away!
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away
Paradox comes back on. But my eyes never leave Ben's face.
But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten.
My poor, poor Ben…It hits me. This is Ben. The real Ben. And all this time I've been rejecting him. Abusing him. Cursing him. My god, what have I done?
Kevin, please don't hate me…
Because I'll die if you do.
He jumps off the stage.
Because I'll die if you do.
He takes a tentative step towards me.
Because I'll die if you do.
Another.
Because I'll die if you do.
He's right in front of me. My chains are gone and I wrap them around him so tight that even if he did complain, I would only hug tighter. I never want to let him go. Ben could be anything, I don't care, I just want Ben!
"Ben I'm so sorry!" I yell, though muffled with my head against his shoulder. "I saw them take you away and when I got here and saw you acting differently I just thought…"
Ben hugs me back a little tighter. But I do not feel absolved.
"Let me make it up to you, Ben. Let's go back! Gwen and Max are worried about you, too!"
Ben manages to push me away just a little so that we can face each other. He shakes his head in the negative.
"No, they don't." Ben says. "They're not real, Kevin. They were just illusions I've crafted in order to hide better. They just stayed around a little longer because my power still lingered there and because I wanted to say goodbye." He sniffs. "Albedo and Argit were just following orders. I'm not allowed out anymore."
"Then let me come with you!" I shout. I will not let Ben go. Not now. Not ever. "I can see how the real Hell looks like than the figment of my mind!"
"No!" Ben shouts back. "It's dull and boring! I don't know why it even exists in the first place!"
"But with me there…"
"They'll separate us, Kevin…"
"They can try…"
"They'll succeed." Ben's words sound final. "I'm punished. I cannot be happy while being punished."
"But Ben…I cannot live without you! You're the only good thing in it. Without you...We're still in my mind, right?"
"Yeah…Technically."
My heart beat is heard echoing throughout the dark, black void.
"Kevin…"
It begins to slow down.
"Kevin, what are you doing?" He panics. "Kevin stop!"
But I do not slow down. I can feel it. Feel my heart stopping. I'm sure my body is showing it, unobserved, outside. It is painful, but I can struggle through the pain for the alternative is far more painful than this.
"No, Kevin, please!" Ben shouts and I can practically hear the flat line chorus.
I feel as if I'm taking off a sock and then nothing. Am I dead? Ben's crying says that I am. I hold him to me, kind of surprised that I can, yet not.
"Let him go, Ben." A deep voice rumbles through the void.
"No," Ben says through the sobbing. "I won't let you take him from me!"
"He is not one of ours." It sounded displeased. That Its word was final.
"Fuck the angels! They can't have him! He's mine!"
"You are being…"
"Please! Please just…"
A sigh.
"Is this your choice?"
Ben looks up into my eyes with his teary ones and I know It is talking to me. I look past the tears and hopeful look Ben is giving me. I know my answer…It would be crazy to think of anything else.
"I will go wherever Ben goes." I shout loud and clear so that it cannot mistake my words. "I love him more than life itself."
"Obviously," It says with a scoff.
Silence reigns and we are alone. We did it. Ben and I have an eternity together. We cannot help but smile.
(X)(X)The End(X)(X)
1) This is actually my favorite Phantom of the Opera movie(second only to the 2005 movie) and also my favorite Red Death costume which my booji-boo has a friend making for me as a gift. ^_^