Rachel knew what this was, what their "relationship" technically consisted of. She didn't like it, would have given so much to change it, but then she saw him and Kurt and how happy they were, and knew that no matter how selfish she was, she couldn't destroy that.
She knew it was her own fault for getting into this mess, for letting him do this to her time and time again. But it was so much easier to blame someone else, so when she felt like it was time to do that she blamed Finn. If Finn hadn't called her the needy girl drunk, hadn't made her feel worthless and pathetic, she would have never suggested spin the bottle in the first place. Blaine and her would have never kissed, and Blaine would have never had to question what he thought he had a firm grip on. So, when he slipped out of her bedroom or when she drove back to her own house, she liked to place the blame on Finn. It was easier than blaming herself, easier than blaming Blaine.
She had tried to make too much of it once, asking Blaine out on a date. The very thought covered her in shame and embarrassment, regardless of the fact that they had a lovely time. But he didn't want to date her, he just wanted to fuck her and leave her behind while he went on dating Kurt. And she sat idly by, watching as their relationship grew.
The first time Blaine and Kurt kissed, Blaine came to her. He was upset, conflicted, visibly confused when she opened her door. "Hello?" she had answered, just as confused as he was. After the disaster in the coffee shop, she hadn't seen much of him, not that she had been seeking him out. Regardless of what she told Kurt, songwriting gold or not (the not having been proving more relevant), it had hurt her to hear that he was 100% gay, that she stood no chance with him. Their romance had been fleeting, but she had thought maybe there was something more there. And she had been sure he had felt it as much as she had.
But there he was, on her doorstep at 9pm. Her dads were still out, grabbing a late dinner and movie while Rachel stayed home trying to focus on song writing. "I-" he started, gulping and looking almost scared. She frowned but grabbed his hand, pulling him inside and leading him to the couch.
"Blaine, what's wrong?" she had asked, her voice soothing and comforting as he looked at the ground, still unsure of everything.
"I think Kurt and I are dating?" he questioned, looking up at her now. She ignored the flutter that took over her entire body when his hazel eyes gazed into her brown ones, biting her lip and trying to decide how exactly this led to him on her doorstep.
"Isn't that a good thing?" she asked a moment later, still quiet.
"Yeah," he responded, then looked guilty and repeated "Yes, yes it is," with more enthusiasm. "It's just," he added after a moment's hesitation, but the words seemed to falter out once more.
"You can tell me," she promised. "It can stay between us. I love Kurt, and he's one of my best friends, but I can be your friend too Blaine. You can confide in me."
He didn't answer her with words, instead leaning forward and kissing her. It was quick, momentary, unlike their past kisses that had more heat in them. His eyes were wide when he pulled away, almost like he was surprised at himself.
"Okay," she had said after a minute, trying to get a hold of herself. "I mean, not okay. Because you're probably dating Kurt, and you're gay, so I'm confused."
"So am I," he answered her truthfully.
They hadn't talked much longer after that.
But that was almost two months ago, and things had certainly progressed since then. When Kurt was thought to be cheating with Sam, she was almost hopeful that the rumor was true. She didn't voice her opinion aloud, no one knew about her and Blaine. But even when they were all intervening, telling Kurt not to cheat on Blaine, that Blaine was wonderful for him and he'd just end up hurting him if he was hooking up with Sam, she had to keep the truth to herself. That Blaine was doing the same to Kurt, sneaking around and cheating and Rachel just wanted him all to herself.
She would never voice this aloud, because it wasn't what Blaine wanted. Blaine saw her as a warm body, a good use for experimentation, to figure out if maybe he did like girls as well as boys. All the romance, the feelings-they were reserved for Kurt. They had fallen into a system, when one of them needed it, they'd call on the other. More often than not it was Blaine calling on Rachel, showing up at her house at midnight and waiting til she slipped out the front door so they could fool around in his car, sliding in through the door in her basement at 10pm when she claimed to be working on vocal exercises. Her dads never questioned anything, probably had no idea what was going on at all. They trusted her, heard from Kurt and Mercedes how Finn and her were circling each other but not yet dating, never thought that Kurt's boyfriend might be the one to make her skin crawl and get her to try things she'd never even imagined before.
"It's too hot," Santana whined, splashing water on herself from the pool as she stretched on the floatie she was laying on.
"It's summer," Quinn replied lazily from another floatie nearby. "It's supposed to be hot. That's why we go to pools."
"I can't get my hair wet," Santana snarked, rolling her eyes as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Rachel watched the girls bicker from the side of the pool, her feet dangling in the water as she drank a beverage that she would have bet her entire Barbra Streisand collection Puck had spiked with alcohol. She hadn't even asked for a drink, but Puck seemed determined to get everyone drunk-a seemingly dangerous combination next to the pool.
Kurt, Blaine and Finn were lighting sprinklers and passing them to Tina and Mercedes who handed them out to the group, Finn occasionally grinning at Rachel when he caught her eye. She smiled guiltily back, all too aware that she hadn't been focused on her on-again boyfriend. Blaine, for his part, was smiling happily at Kurt, giving him his full attention as the two laughed about something.
"Is something wrong Rachel?" Brittany asked, coming to sit next to her on the side of the pool. Rachel smiled at the blonde, shaking her head.
"Of course not, everything's wonderful," she answered her, confident her voice sounded sure enough to fool at least Brittany.
Of course, Brittany had her moments where she saw through peoples lies and zeroed in on the truth, and as the two continued to stare at each other, Rachel feared it might be one of those moments. "Well, that's good," Brittany finally replied, kicking her feet in the water and splashing Santana as she floated by, earning herself a glare. "Actually, I was wondering if you would like to appear on Fondue for Two? You're one of the only ones I haven't interviewed yet, Lord Tubbington is really excited to meet you. I told him what a great singer you are."
"That sounds great," Rachel replied distractedly, her heart almost breaking in two as she glanced over to see Kurt and Blaine kissing, giggling the entire time in a sense that told her the pair were almost certainly drunk.
"Great! I'll just have to find someone to come on with you; otherwise it'd just be silly." Rachel nodded, completely tuning her out now as Kurt grabbed Blaine's hand, dragging him away from where Finn stood looking awkward.
"Fabulous, just let me know when okay?" Rachel told her, standing up and picking up her empty glass, wandering over to where Puck was standing at the makeshift bar.
"Refill Berry?"
"Yes please," she sighed heavily, and though Puck looked at her with concern he said nothing as Finn joined them.
"Hey," Finn said, kissing the side of her head. "You wanna go for a walk?" he asked quietly near her ear so Puck wouldn't hear, and she smiled softly at him.
"I think I'm going to head inside for a few minutes, lay down. I'm getting a headache," she lied.
"Well, I can come with you," Finn offered, a hurt expression across his face.
"No, you stay out here, have fun," she kissed him on the cheek before turning to head inside, ignoring the drink Puck had made for her.
Quinn's house was large, and she had only been there once or twice before, so it took awhile to find a quiet room where she could lay down. She paused outside one door, sure she heard noises that seemed far too familiar, growls she had heard aimed towards her as recently as two days ago, and it took her a minute before she could move on down the hall.
She was terrified what it would mean if Kurt and Blaine were starting to become physical, Kurt starting to trust Blaine enough to explore more of each other. As much as she hated that both she and Blaine were cheaters now, she felt wanted and appreciated by him.
She lay down on a bed in what was clearly a spare room, her heart longing for Blaine to be there beside her. She could hear the party two floors below, heard Mike's yells as he was undoubtedly becoming the drunkest in the group, but felt nothing for rejoining the group. Her heart was slowly residing in Blaine's hands, and he threw it around as carelessly as he pleased, possibly unaware of the hold he was gaining over her.
She just wanted him to want her as badly as she wanted him, fully and completely. He wanted him to forget consequences and how much it would hurt Finn and Kurt, to sweep her off her feet and tell her she was beautiful, serenade her with that rough voice he got when they were alone, tell her she was the only one for him. But even the bits and pieces she ever got of that, the occasional "I want you, I need you" that he'd whisper against her skin wasn't enough for her, because deep down when she was alone again, laying there and wondering when he would ever stop him, she knew it was a lie. All his sweet words that lulled her into a false sense of security when he was around felt cold and empty when he was gone, his words hollow as they danced around in her brain all hours of the day until he came back to her, a few more hours he could spare for her.
Rachel wasn't even sure if it was experimentation for him anymore-though she was sure it was that at first. But as they progressed, far faster than she had even expected from herself, far further than she let Finn get even now, she was positive that it became less of a maybe I'm not 100% gay thing and more of an I really need to get off now thing. To him, it didn't matter if it was Rachel or Brittany or Santana or Finn, he just needed someone to get him off, and she happened to be the one stupid enough to comply.
The sky grew dark outside the window, the cheers and laughter from the pool below growing louder, and she was almost asleep when he opened the door, calling her name and lifting her out of her fog.
"Rachel?" he asked, not bothering to turn on the lights-lights took time, showed the harsh reality of what was happening, they much preferred to move in the dark.
"Blaine?" She whispered, though there was no need. If Blaine had come to find her, Kurt was already outside again.
He strode across the room, grabbing her forcefully and pulling her to him, and all her thoughts about how despicable this was and how horrible it made her feel afterwards got pushed away, because as much as it always hurt when he was gone, it was only a matter of time before he came back.