She wakes up from the same dream, bolting upright. She's sweating and a cry escapes her lips but she cuts it off quickly. The boy. That damned boy! But its not just the boy this time. No, this time it cuts deeper than that. It's Kaiden. A sob escapes her throat but she bites it back once more. She refuses to cry over him. She won't—she can't. She had loved him. Once. She wont deny that—she never has. She had thought that she and him would be . . . forever. But then Horizon happened. She had been so broken up over his treatment of her. So angry. She was sure that their forever had ended that day. That he would never be able to see past Cerberus in order to see her.

And then Garrus happened.

Reaching up, she massaged the back of her neck roughly. There are too many knots to be worked out and she's not about to try. She gives up and looks at her bedside clock—three in the morning. Dropping her head in her hands, she inhales slowly.

She loves Garrus. She knows this. She's in love with Garrus. But she can't stop thinking about Kaiden. And for good reason, too. She had killed him yesterday. The realization of those words hit her. I killed him. Throwing her legs off the side of her bed, the thought restricts her breathing—I killed him. Her breath becomes ragged as she gasps for air—I killed him. Her chest is heaving and her hands . . . she looks at them. She can't stop them from shaking. She squeezes them into a fist, shakes them out . . . nothing! They wouldn't stop! And the longer she stared at them, the more she felt nauseous. These were the hands that had held the gun that took the life of the first man she ever loved.

Why wouldn't he listen to her? Why wouldn't he believe her? She had never been anything but honest with him. Even when he asked her about Garrus, she had been honest—as painful as that had been for both of them. So why . . . why had he drawn his gun on her? Why had he forced her hand? She could see it so clearly, as he aimed his weapon. She had been replaying it in her mind since it happened. She had turned to look at Garrus, and knew that he was ready to take the shot if he had to. And she knew he would—not because he didn't like or respect Kaiden, but because he wouldn't let her get hurt. Looking back and forth between Kaiden, who had his gun trained on her, and Garrus, who had his gun trained on him . . . she knew she would never forgive herself if she made Garrus live with that burden. It was not his burden to bear. It was hers. So she took the shot. She took the . . .

I killed him.

Jumping to her feet, she began to pace. Garrus had asked her how she was doing afterwards when they had returned to the Normandy. He had had Kaiden's name put on a plaque and had brought her to the memorial wall to place it. He knew how much she still cared for Kaiden—he was never the jealous type. And some part of her wanted to be honest with him. Tell him the truth. Tell him that a part of her died yesterday, too. But instead she had lied. She said she was fine. That what was done was done and there was no changing it. She remembered how Garrus had just stared at her with those piercing blue eyes of his. But he said nothing.

And now Kaiden was there in her dreams. He was there with that boy. Both of them staring at her as if accusing her of failing to save them. And both of them burning and her unable to save either. She remembered the look on Kaiden's face perfectly after she took the shot. It was like he knew all along that she would someday kill him—I killed him. Like he had expected it. And that hurt worse than anything. She didn't want to kill him! She didn't wan't . . . he had left her no choice!

Without realizing it she was standing in front of her desk, her finger on the com to the Main Battery. The buzzing was cut short when she pulled her finger away quickly. What the hell was she doing? She prayed that she didn't wake him. That he wouldn't try to call her back. She stared at the monitor, her breath held, waiting. Her heart ticked off the seconds as she waits to see if he would respond. She hoped he wouldn't. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Garrus, she usually always did, but not like this. She just didn't know if she could handle it right now, and it wouldn't be fair to him to see her mourning over an ex-boyfriend. She let out a sigh of relief when no answer comes. Maybe her subconscious wanted the distraction, but her full consciousness did not. She wanted—

A knock.

She looks at the door terrified.

But she's being ridiculous, isn't she? It wouldn't be the first time she was summoned in the middle of the night to handle some sort of problem or another. Besides, Garrus had not responded to the com. If he had been awake, he would have responded. Since he didn't, he had no way of knowing that it was her . . .

Running her fingers through her hair, she moves toward the door, but it opens without warning. She stops, her mouth popping open with surprise. Garrus is already walking through the door. He was in casual turian clothing instead of his armor, and his face looked stern as he moved forward—but then, it usually always did. His piercing blue eyes were worried as he looked nowhere but at her, and she was sure his eye piece was assessing her just as much as he was. Heart rate, body temperature, blood pressure . . . she wonders how bad she looks. But she can't speak. She knows what will happen if she speaks. And so instead she tries to smile. But she knows it's forced, and she can see on his face that he knows it too. She bites down on her lower lip as it begins to tremble.

And then the thought that has plagued her since yesterday comes tumbling out of her mouth, with her unable to stop it. "I killed him." Her body is shaking. Her voice is raw. And then the tears come—a waterfall cascading down her cheeks. "I killed him, Garrus. I . . . I—"

"Shit, I worried this would happen."

It's all he says in that dual chorded voice of his that she's always loved before he takes her gently into his arms. It's a gentleness he reserves only for her. She's used to it of course. And usually she revels in seeing this side of Garrus—of the Archangel—that no one else gets to see. But this time . . . this time it nearly brought her to her knees. In fact, if he wasn't holding her now, she was sure she would have fallen. She didn't deserve his comfort. She was selfish for calling him in the first place, foolish to believe that he wouldn't have known it was her, and stupid to think that he didn't know what she was feeling. But she clung to him. Clung to him like a child as she wept.

He had been there after all. On SR1—the first Normandy. Apart of the first crew. He had witnessed the blossoming relationship between her and Kaiden. Seen what he had meant to her. And he had questioned it when she had sought him out for comfort after Kaiden turned her away. He didn't want to cause any issues between her and Kaiden, but—You have to actually be together for there to be issues, she remembered thinking. And so she had convinced him, and he had conceded—albeit surprised at her willingness to try an interspecies fling. But really, it was just a fling, so what could it hurt?

She didn't think either of them had been prepared for what would come from that one night of comfort. How much they would actually come to need, want, and care for one another. She had fallen helplessly in love with him.

And now here she was crying over her ex.

The guilt of this only made her cry harder.

With one arm still around her back, Garrus brought the other one down behind her knees, bringing her up off her feet. She said nothing. She didn't try to stop him. She couldn't bring herself to speak again—the loss, the pain, and the guilt overwhelming her. She could feel his chest vibrating as he carried her toward her bed, and knew that it meant one of two things. He was either growling or humming. The growling was self explanatory, but the humming he had once had to explain to her. It was a Turian thing, a way of trying to ease tension or discomfort within himself. She remembered how strange she had found it that something humans did for fun, Turians did under signs of stress. She hated the idea that she might have caused him to hum and seriously hoped he was growling. Maybe he hated that she was such a mess right now. She had always been strong. Always stood by her decisions. And she had never cried in front of Garrus or anyone else. Never shown this sort of weakness.

When he laid her on the bed, she immediately curled up on her side and reached for him. "Please don't leave," she choked out through her tears, hating herself for her selfishness but terrified of being alone.

Garrus's mandible flared as he looked down at her, his head shaking. "I wasn't planning to." He laid down next to her, his back and head resting against the headboard. When she didn't move from her fetal position, he reached for her and pulled her against his side as easily as if she were a rag doll. Resting her head on his still vibrating chest, she could hear him now—hear the humming. Her heart sank. She was at fault for it. She was the reason he felt this way, and there was nothing she could do about it. Unable to do anything else, she wraps a tentative arm around his waist. Her body was still shaking, the tears still falling, and she couldn't close her eyes without seeing Kaiden. But if she left them open, she had to see Garrus upset. The blade in her heart just grew two very sharp sides it would seem.

Neither of them speak as they lay there, but both of them are awake. She knows she should say something. That he is probably waiting for her to speak. And yet the clock ticks by the hour without a word being spoken. Slowly her breathing becomes normal and the tears finally stop. She can feel his taloned finger tracing circles and lines on her arm, and takes comfort in it. She lets out a breath.

"Thank you," she whispers into his chest after some time has passed. "For staying."

"Did you think I wouldn't?"

Her lower lip trembles, but thankfully tears don't follow. "I don't know." And then she adjusts herself so that she can look up at him and is startled to see that he is watching her. His eyes are unreadable, but the flare of his mandible is usually a tell-tell sign that he's unhappy.

"You lied to me," he said after a moment, laying his head back against the headboard and closing his eyes. "When I asked you how you were . . . I knew the moment you answered, that you were lying."

She dropped her eyes, unable to look at him now. Because he was right. But even though he sounded upset with her, he didn't loosen his grip on her. He still held her to him just as tightly as when he first laid down next to her. She took comfort in this. But he still deserved an explanation. She just wasn't sure what the explanation was. "What was I supposed to tell you, Garrus?"

"The truth." He didn't hesitate. He never did.

"Is that really something you would want to hear?" She asks disbelieving. He wasn't the jealous type, but that didn't mean he wanted to hear about her ex either. When he said nothing she looked back up at him. He was watching her, and she could see the pain in his eyes now.

"Always." He said finally. "If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't ask. And when it comes to how you're feeling—how you're coping, I always want to know."

"It's not that easy." She breathed, dropping her head back against his chest. "I'm supposed to be a pillar of strength for you guys. I'm not supposed to show my crew weakness by—" Garrus sat up abruptly, his head shaking as he threw his feet off the side of the bed. Her heart raced as she sat up too, criss-crossing her legs underneath her and resting her hands in her lap. He was upset. She knew he was upset. She sighed. "I try really hard for my crew, and if I break down in front of you guys, then—"

"Stop." He sounded tired and angry. Taking off his visor, Garrus set it on the bedside table before turning to look at her. No, not look—glare. "Right now, I'm really hoping that you don't see me as just 'one of the crew.' Because if you do . . ." He turned away from her and took a deep enough breath that she saw his shoulders rise, before speaking again. "Look, I get what you think you have to be in front of everyone else. But you don't have to be that for me. Joker may enjoy the idea of dating a robot, but I don't."

"Is that how you see me?" She asked both surprised and hurt at the same time as her head snapped up to look at him. "As some unfeeling robot?"

Garrus sighed, turning to face her on the bed. "Sometimes—"

"Sometimes?" The word left her mouth in a hiss, her anger flaring before she could stop it. "So what do you want from me, Garrus? A commander who blubbers and cries after every mission? A commander who weeps at the drop of a hat and babies everyone and—" She pushed herself up off the bed roughly and paced toward the large fish tank, glaring at him through the reflection of the glass. "—I can't be a weak commander!"

"I don't want a weak commander!" Garrus shouted, jumping to his feet and closing the space she had placed between them. Taking her arm, he turned her toward him, but she quickly jerked out of his grip, her eyes on fire. He reached for her again, and she batted his hand away angrily. She heard the growl in his chest just seconds before he stepped forward and forced her back against the tank.

Right then, the anger, grief, guilt, shame—all of it—bubbled over and she shoved him hard, watching as he stumbled backward. She followed suit, but he was already regaining his balance and forcing her back once more, blocking the elbow she threw at him and pinning her arms above her head. Frustrated, she let out a growl of her own as she tried to free herself, but he was unrelenting as he held them there with one hand while using his body to keep her against the tank.

"I don't want a weak commander." His voice was softer this time. With his free hand, he reached up and took her face gently, his taloned thumb stroking her jaw line. "I want a girlfriend who talks to me—who's honest when something upsets her. You don't have to be strong for me—you don't. You're allowed to hurt and feel and show your pain. And Kaiden . . ." Closing his eyes, he dropped his head and took a breath. She looked away too, her lips trembling as tears burned behind her eyelids, threatening to spill over. "You loved him." Garrus's voice was a pained whisper now. And it dug into her heart like a knife.

"I killed him." She breathed, still unable to look at him. The fight had gone out of her now and she was pretty sure that his body was the only reason she hadn't fallen yet.

She felt his hand loosen on her wrists as his other one moved down to cup her throat. "Yes, you did."

"I killed him . . ." She repeated, her head shaking in disbelief. She wanted so badly for it to be a lie. But it wasn't. It never would be. "Kaiden—he wasn't . . . he wasn't a bad guy, Garrus. I loved him—he used to love me . . . but I still killed him!"

He let go of her wrists and took her face in both his hands. "Or he would have killed you."

"Why didn't he listen to me?" She stared up at him, her eyes begging him for an answer he couldn't possibly know any more than she did. But she needed an answer! She needed to understand! She had to . . . "Why didn't he just stop and listen? Why did he make me—"

She could feel the hysteria from before returning; she couldn't fight it. Garrus, seeing it too, quickly pulled her into him, his arms wrapping tight around her as he pressed his face against the top of her head. "Because he was a—" He cut himself of with a sharp cough before starting again. "Because he was misinformed. Because he refused see the truth. And while I may have liked Kaiden, respected him even, I would have shot him if you hadn't. I wasn't about to lose you."

"I know." she breathed into his vibrating chest. He was humming again. "I know."

They were quiet as he held her. Her body was shaking again, but the tears were becoming less. He didn't let her go. pressing her forehead against his chest, she took a ragged breath. She took another one. Soon, each inhale became easier and each exhale lessened the tension in her body. Garrus held her the hold time, matching her breaths. She thought about what he said. She didn't always have to be strong in front of him. Showing him this side of her, though . . . it scared her. It was the one thing she had never allowed anyone. A trust no one had earned. What would people think if they saw her like this? If they knew that their fearless leader could be reduced to tears? But he had. He had just witnessed it, and as she lifted her head to look at him, she saw no judgment. Only concern. She loved him. Dear God, she loved him. Running her hand over his chest and up his neck, she stopped at the scarred side of his face.

"I'm sorry I lied earlier," she whispered.

Garrus leaned into her hand, his eyes closed as if he were enjoying the feel of her skin. "I know why you did."

"That still doesn't excuse it." She frowned. "And you were right."

At this, Garrus opened one eye to peak at her, his mandible switching. "Well that's not a surprise."

She rolled her eyes, the corner of her mouth ticking upward. "Shut up. You know what I mean."

Taking her hand away she took a step back. "I need to tell you—"

Garrus cut her off by stepping forward and pulling her against him once more in a graceful sweep, before dipping her. "How amazing I am?" He nuzzled her exposed neck, and her pulse began to race. "What an awesome boyfriend you have?" He ran a taloned finger along her thigh, and her body flushed with heat. "Or how extraordinarily attractive I am?" Bringing her upright, he let her go and took a step back. "Because all are true, you know."

She could only stare at him in amazement. It was like the last couple hours had never happened. He had helped her through her pain, and past it. He had seen her at her worse, and he still wanted her. She didn't think it was possible, and yet . . . there he was, still standing there. She shook her head, a smile forming on her lips. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian."

Garrus smiled his turian smile, which only made her smile wider. Taking his hand in hers, she pulled him in and pressed her soft tender lips against his hard ungiving ones. She felt his mandible move against her cheek and it sent butterflies racing in her stomach. Pulling back, he looked at the clock. "You know," he said in that low voice he used when he was about to suggest something dangerous and fun. "It's five in the morning. I just don't think that I could make it back to my room, being so tired and all . . ."

She gave him a teasing grin. "You have a room? And here I thought you never slept. Just stayed awake calibrating guns in the Main Battery."

"Only when my girlfriend isn't being an emotional hot mess," he joked, pushing her hair back gently. "Or . . . in the event that something else needs calibrating."

Raising a brow and crossing her arms, she stared up at him. "Mr. Vakarian . . . are you offering to calibrate me?"

"Well . . . you know, it is my specialty." Moving forward, he picked her up and she locked her ankles around his waist. She wasted no time kissing him as he moved her back to the bed.

Falling against the mattress, she held tightly to Garrus. When she had woken, she didn't think she wanted the distraction. And she had been right. What she had needed was to talk about what happened. To finally be allowed to break down. And somehow he knew that. He didn't shy away or run. He let her cry, and scream, and yell. He didn't fill in the silence with unneeded chatter. He let it be about her when she was so used to it being about everyone else. There was no way she would be able to thank him for that.

Well . . . maybe there was one way . . .

Reaching up, she grabbed her computer pad off her bedside table.

"You know," Garrus said as he ran his mouth along her stomach. "I'm trying to be romantic here. Kinda kills it when you jump on the extranet in the middle of said romantic gesture."

"I'm sending a message to EDI," she laughed.

"Because that's much better." He mumbled, his voice ripe with sarcasm.

Rolling her eyes, she finished typing and hit send. Setting the pad back down, she turned to look at him. "I was telling her to tell everyone that we're taking the day off today. Oh . . . and that everyone is under strict orders to let you and I sleep in."

"And why would we need to sleep in?" Garrus asked, running a talon along her collar bone.

At this, she smiled wickedly before wrapping her leg around him and using her weight to flip him over so that she was sitting on top, her legs straddling either side of him. She could see the surprise on his face, and it sent her blood rushing through her body. "Because, what I have planned is going to require us to be up for at least another hour. And I'm not sure you will be able to get up afterwards anyway."

"You are the best girlfriend ever."

Laughing, she pressed her lips against his forehead, mandible, scars, and mouth.

From there, they tuned out the galaxy.