The Feel Again

Chapter One

Author's note: I haven't had great luck with Psych fiction but reading a few other stories and seeing different portrayals of Shawn in them inspired this. Reviews appreciated, the title comes from a new Blue October song that's been haunting me, look it up!

Madeleine Spencer was staring into her third cup of coffee, which was growing cold in her hands as she sat hunched over in her chair. The milk made the dark liquid cloudy, and she counted the swirls in it over and over, every time she took a new sip from it. But her head snapped up as the automatic doors nearby opened, and her ex-husband entered. He looked exhausted, his eyes puffy, and bloodshot.

"Hi," It's the sixth or seventh time he's greeted her tonight.

"Hey." She set the cup down on a nearby side table and sighed. "Nothing yet?"

"No." He sat across from her and rubbed his forehead. "I don't know…I mean, I do. I know him, Maddie. And if he's gone…"

"Don't you say that," She snapped softly, shaking her head. "Don't you…you can't give up on him, Henry, he needs us."

The room was dingy, and quiet now, as they sat in irreverent silence. She instantly felt bad for snapping at him, her fingers sliding across her knees anxiously as she searched for an apology, but her nerves were too shaken. She wasn't prepared for this night, nothing in her life could have prepared her for the way she felt right then in that room.

Henry nodded with a thick swallow and pulled his baseball cap further over his eyes, leaning back in his chair in hopes of getting some rest. But shortly after he did, the sliding doors nearby opened, and he and Maddie jumped to their feet with wide eyes, their hands clasping together as they stared down the doctor in front of them, intent on the news he had to give.

[One year earlier. Santa Barbara, California.]

Juliet O'Hara was a planner. It was silly to some people, it certainly was silly to Shawn, who lived his entire life on the heels of adventure. But she planned everything from her outfits to her daily breakfast, even the dates and polish colors for her mani/pedi's. She had her calendar color coded and neatly organized with every little aspect of her life, and nothing in the world made her happier. Most of the time, at least. Sometimes she needed Shawn's carefree approach to life. Some mornings she just needed breakfast in bed without caring about the crumbs, and Shawn seemed to always know when.

All of her planning couldn't have prepared her for that Tuesday morning.

She had come into the station in a scurry but had greeted everyone with her usual polite friendliness before rushing off to the bathroom. Lassiter didn't think anything of it until he had finished his morning run-through and realized she hadn't returned yet to start brainstorming with him. It had been close to forty five minutes since they had arrived at the station, so concern formed a small knot in his belly, and he checked the loaded pistol on his side before slowly creeping off down the hall to the public women's restroom that his partner had disappeared into.

He knocked. "O'Hara?"

No answer.

So he knocked again. "O'Hara, if you're all right, I need for you to answer before I bust down this door and start shooting…."

The air was thick with tension until her wavering response came through. "I'll be right out, Carlton, I'm sorry." He heard her flush, and then the sink ran, and after a few seconds, the door opened and she smiled at him. She was flushed, but her face and most importantly, her eyes, were clear.

So Carlton Lassiter nodded at his partner, swallowing past a sexist quip before he pointed toward their desks. "I was just thinking that coffee…good coffee, would help us think better. About the Travis case…"

Juliet responded, at first with a quick nod before she smiled at him and slid past to go grab her things. "You know, coffee sounds great right now. Perfect, actually. I'll buy."

Lassiter's mouth turned up in a grin at that and he nodded. "Copy that!" Before he went to knock on the chief's office's door frame. "Out for coffee…we'll be back."

She held up her hand to signal him to wait as she finished up on the phone. "Ok great, bye." She promptly folded her hands neatly on her desk. "Detective, if you could stop by the Trenton residence while you're out, I'd like for you to question the daughter this afternoon."

"Sure," He tugged his car keys from his pocket. "And…"

"And," Vick cleared her throat. "CSI found some interesting fibers in Mr. Travis's clothing, I think she can shed some light on them."

Sliding on his sunglasses with a rare crimebusting smile, Lassiter nodded his agreement to this boss. "We'll be in touch."

The day was long, and tiresome. Juliet lagged through it as best as she could before she could finally go home to her own couch and her cats and the peaceful stillness of solitude. She certainly wasn't a loner by nature, but when she needed to clear her head, she did so best on her own. Like the bridge in Canada…As she came through the door she smiled at the memory before tossing her things and moving to plop down on the soft cushions. The cats came running over and she pet them gently as she let the day's stress float away.

Until the strains of James Taylor's "Only One" streamed from her pocket. She sighed, but a soft smile pulled at the corners of her mouth and she fished the phone out of her pocket before accepting the call and holding it to her ear. "Hello, Shawn."

Shawn's voice was playfully smug. "Do you say that to all of your other boyfriends?"

Juliet scratched behind one kitty's collar and smiled at he stretched gleefully under her hands. "Just the one. What's up?"

"More importantly, what are you wearing?"

"A dress made entirely out of uncooked chicken breasts," She quipped, but couldn't hold back a soft giggle. "How did you know I needed this?"

"Jules, please. Psychic." Where he was sitting, in one of the Psych office's arm chairs, Shawn spun a pen between his fingers as he listened to the tired grumble of her voice and he frowned. "You okay? You need Chinese and a foot massage?"

She smiled and chuckled softly as she considered it. "That doesn't sound half bad, but I'm not sure I'd made good company tonight." He didn't respond immediately, so she sighed, sinking into the couch a little more as she kicked off her shoes and settled her cheek against the arm rest. "Shawn?"

Shawn stopped spinning the pen, hearing an interesting quality to her voice. He recognized it, but he hadn't put a name to it yet. Usually it was there when she got incredibly cheesy, especially after they'd been intimate. "Yeah, babe?"

She was quiet now, but only for a moment before she whispered. "I love you."

Ah, that. That might explain it, although, it was not the first time Juliet had professed her love for him. It wasn't that he didn't love her, he though he did at least. He had tried to say it back, but every time he opened his mouth he had stared blankly at her, and all he could get out was, "I…"

He passed a hand over his face and sighed. "Jules," He made sure his voice was cheerier. "I think you're pretty swell."

She closed her eyes, a remnant of the former smile on her face as she bit back tears.

The alarming sound of silence made the hair on Shawn's neck stand up, and he desperately searched for some tactic that may fix the situation. But all he could think to say was, "Jules, it's okay. We're fine. We'll get there, I just…I need time."

Usually he could see Juliet's face then, usually she batted her eyes and smiled before she kissed him and said, 'I know, Shawn. It's okay. We have time.' But the words didn't come, instead she sighed even more heavily and he could almost see her shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Shawn. I just don't have much more time to give."

Shawn swallowed thickly, fighting any irrational fears that those words stirred in him. "Jules, you're perfectly healthy. Don't say something like that…"

"No, Shawn." She sat up and ran her fingers to wipe the tears from under her eyes. "I didn't mean I was dying," She licked her lips. "I mean that….I'm pregnant." Shawn was dead silent, and were it not for the lack of dial tone, Juliet would have thought he had hung up. "I found out today…and all I can think about is how great we are, and how wonderful you are and the way things have been, how they've worked." She shook her head once more. "But they can't work like this with a baby, Shawn. We can't be almost in love riding around on your motorcycle with a baby strapped to the front…"

"I know," He said in a whisper, loud enough for her to hear. His voice was rasped.

She bit her lip. "I wish I were psychic right now, Shawn. I wish I knew what you were thinking. Do you know…do you see what I'm thinking?"

The photos of her family in her apartment, her relationship with her parents and siblings all flashed through his mind, coupled with the fact that she was over 30, and had always wanted to have kids. "You want it, Jules. You want the uh, the baby. You wanna be a mom to my kid."

She couldn't help but smile at the way he stumbled over what to call it.

"But I don't…I'm the last person in the world that's capable of being a father, I had the worst example possible…"

"Oh, Shawn," She sighed. "I wish you'd give your dad a break, you know he wasn't all that bad. He only ever wanted the best for you."

Even if she was right, Shawn wouldn't admit it, and Juliet knew that. He twisted the phone cord around his finger and took a deep breath. "Can I just, can I call you back tomorrow? Can I sleep on this? I don't… I just need time to think about it all…."

"Of course," Her voice was sympathetic, and maybe a little relieved. He was handling himself in a very adult way, that alone was a lot to be proud of. "Just call me when you're ready and…" She swallowed. "If you don't want this, us. It's okay. I don't want you to feel any added pressure. I can do this, I just…it'd be nice to have you there, but I won't try and guilt you into this."

Shawn's eyes closed and he smiled softly, the phone pressed close to his lips as he murmured. "Thanks, Jules." If nothing else, she knew him. She knew what kind of space he needed. And he really did love her for that. "Bye babe, I'll call you tomorrow. We'll get lunch or something."

"That would be nice," She admitted before nodding. "Bye, Shawn."

He waited for the click and dial tone before he dialed in a different phone number. "Hey it's Shawn…can I come by? I really need to talk."