Well, I got bored and had one of those shower epiphanies to make a new story. Nothing special, just my take on an overused topic, classic HiE. I don't have anyone checking my work for me so there will most likely be a large amount of grammatical errors. Watch out ahead, there's gonna be some rather unruly language that may not be suitable for children, and some adults… But hey what's the point in not throwing in some colorful vocab to make this painting of a story come to life! Alright I'll stop the crappy metaphors…
Blinding light, that's the first thing I noticed as I 'woke up,' felt more like a hangover though. The next thing that invaded my senses was the overwhelming smell of freshly made food. I opened my eyes to see just what kind of mess I had gotten myself in this time. Unfortunately for me the same blinding light was still interrupting my eye sight. "Hey, uh, anyone there" I cautiously spoke out.
As the light started to recede someone spoke up, "hello, how can I help you" spoke up a very bewildered and warm voice to my left. On instinct I looked over to the voice, but all that I could make out was a large blob sitting in the chair. I shook my head to try to rid myself of my foggy vision, but it didn't help too much so I decided to close my eyes and focus on not being blind for a minute.
"Who, or rather what, are you, if I may ask" said the same voice, on the upside that's when my vision started to clear, on the downside what I saw made me wish it hadn't. Standing before me on a very ornate and well decorated table stocked with delicious food was what I assumed to be a slightly upset winged unicorn.
"Err, I'm a human" I said with an even more bewildered expression accompanying my face. Alright, let me just get a few things straight in my head- Talking winged unicorn (Check); interrupting her extremely ornate dinner (Check). Alright everything checks out here. "My name is Ben, and what in the hell are you".
"If you will excuse me, I'm not sure what this hell is who are speaking of, but my name is Princess Celestia, and you, Ben, have landed on top of my cake" So that would explain the sticky feeling on my body, I lifted a finger and swiped it across my pants, pulling with it a little bit of chocolate cake. As soon as I lifted the crumbled piece of cake to my mouth I was suddenly assaulted by a wave of nausea and a migraine bigger than Michael Jordan's trophy case.
"Sorry for fallin' in on your dinner unannounced" was my last word before the world became a real pretty black; at least I left with a pun…
-Dat page break doe-
Alright, if last time felt like waking up with a hangover this felt like waking up with a jackhammer recently having gone to town on my head. Fortunately for me this time I could see stuff when I opened my eyes. All around me were doctor's utensils, well this is what a hospital usually looks like, big white blank walls, everything smelling of soap and disinfectant. Well that must have been one hell of a party for me to have had lucid dreamed about a talking horse. I heard some steps start to come down the hall way, turning to the door I saw one of the most ridiculous things I had ever seen. A brown horse, stallion by the looks of him, came through the door in doctor's attire, "Awww who dressed up a horse and sent him to my hospital room, what good friends I have".
He slowly swung his face to me than looked back down at the clipboard in his hoofs and began to write; under his breath I could just make out him saying "patient is slightly delusional".
"Hey what the hell, I heard that"! Wait a second "Did you just talk"! As soon as that left my mouth three things happened, first the same white horse from earlier came into the room, I think her names Celestia, second, I was hit with the sudden realization that I wasn't in America, that much was for sure, last but certainly not least came the massive wave of nausea.
"Yes I can talk and hello Princess Celestia, the patient seems to be recovering rather well, although whatever teleportation spell was used to get him was not very gentle about it" As soon as he said that the nausea rose along with some bile.
"Bag! I need a bad right now!" Both the ponies looked over at me rather alarmed by my sudden outburst, but Celestia floated a brown bag over to me, in which I immediately rid my stomach of breakfast, lunch, and dinner all at the same time. I've had to barf before, but this was on a new level.
"Are you alright, Ben?" I glanced at her face and it was a combination of disgust at the action I had just done and concern for my well-being.
"Oh yah, I'm all dandelions and rainbows over here" I shoot at her as I once again retch some more unsavory liquids form my mouth, "It's not like I just woke up with an insane hang over, surrounded by talking ponies, with a possibility that I will never see my friends or family again because I'm in some strange land, all while puking every single one of my organs at the same time, other than that I'm as good as good gets." By the time that rant was over I finish off my unwanted stomach movements and spit any other liquids other than saliva into the bag. Then hand it over the doctor, who gives me a deadpan expression. "Now does anyone have a mint"?
She looked slightly taken aback by my rant until the end, at which she snickered into her hoof. If I wasn't in the middle of possibly the weirdest situation ever faced by a human in history I would have found it cute, at the moment though I was busy keeping myself from hyperventilating, which was a full time job. "Well, I don't have any mints right at the moment, but I believe Doctor Heartbeat can help with that, I just came to tell you that I was hoping to discuss your circumstances in arriving at my kingdom of Equestria. But, I shall wait for you to rest until we have that conversation, until then I do hope you get better" she flashed me a smile, and when I say flashed I mean literally flashed, I needed sunglasses to stare at that smile.
As she turned to go out the room I waved bye, as she was just exiting the door I noticed what looked like a sun tattooed on her flank. I look over at the doctor and notice he has one too, his being a syringe. "Hey, heartbeat, what's with the tattoos on everyone's ass?"
He gave me another one of those now signature deadpan expressions as he fiddles with his instruments, "Those would be our cutie marks, which signify our unique position in life, like an indicator toward what you're meant to do, just as Celestia can control the sun, I care for other ponies, thus my cutie mark fits." Damn, that would have saved me a lot of money and time. "Now if you would please lay back and relax as I run some more tests, I want you ready to see the princess by tomorrow".
"Aye Aye Captain" To which all he replies with is a roll of his eyes. Whatever, hate me cause he ain't me or something like that. Whatever, I just gotta start getting my head around the fact that I'm in a strange world with possible no friends, well at least the Princess seems pretty nice. As these thought bounce around my head I slowly begin to drift off.
-Epic Line Break: The Sequel-
Flashing lights. Sirens. Yelling. These are what came to me, all in a haze, fighting each other toward the forefront of my senses. All these swirling images and noises focused and unfocused at the same time. Time sped up and slowed at a rate unknown to me. And then a face. Right in front of me, I felt small liquid drops fall upon my forehead, slowly, faster with each succession of drop. Then black, darker than the darkest night I had ever seen.
With a gasp I awoke in the same room I had fallen asleep in before. I tried grasping the memories of my dream, but they floated away like curtains leaving my hand as I grasped for them. They were there, but I couldn't get to them, ghosts that would mock me on the edge of consciousness. I gave up soon after and began to focus on my real surroundings. The same white room, white bed, white robes, and white sheets, needless to say there was a lot of white in this freaking place.
On one hand though I was feeling much better, no overwhelming nausea or teleportation-lag, if that's a thing. All traces of physical ailments were gone from my rather unceremonious fall onto a noble's dinner. Never was very good at breaking the ice, so that's a start I guess.
I laid my head back down upon the pillow I had risen from after my rough awakening. Man I really am screwed; I had randomly appear in a new place foreign to anything I have ever known, not to mention everything seemed slightly off, as if the world I was currently in was slightly less dimensional than all 3 sweet and sexy dimensions back on earth. As if everywhere I looked would slightly refract back and move away from my view. Not to mention the ponies here were off, slightly different looking than the ones back on earth, this culminated in my head to give me a slight headache that was ever present in the back of my head. Nothing I can do about that now, I might as well assess the situation around me and see what I can do about it.
As I looked around for something that would give me some semblance of control over my own situation the door to my room reopened and in came a nurse. "Ah, you're awake, the doctor will be glad to hear" she started writing down on her clip board, that wasn't what surprised me though, rather how she was doing it was what perplexed me. The pen seemed to float on its own accord, only being positioned by some weird mist that would push it around. Looking from the pen to her I noticed that she had a horn on her head, much smaller than Celestia's, but the same mist that was around the pen was floating around her horn. "So how are you feeling"?
"Err, this times I actually do feel a little better, physically at least" I responded as I felt my body over, looking around I noticed that my clothes were nowhere in sight. "By the way, where are my clothes"?
Without even glancing up at me she replied, "They are being washed after your fall in on the dinner of the Princesses. They will be sent back as soon as they are cleaned". Well that's nice; don't even have to clean up after myself. As she continued writing a small awkward silence fell over the room. I started whistling to fill it in, but it didn't help much, well looks like time for plan B, the dreaded small talk.
"Soooo, you work here often" damn I'm smooth; I make butter look like sandpaper. Alas she didn't seem to be too impressed by that one I gathered from her deadpan expression. Whatever, her lost.
"Well, due to the healing done by the doctor and the rather minor physical damages to you, you should be alright to leave". Sweet damn I heal fast. Whatever, I'm 200% done with this retarded mini cape of an excuse for clothing. I get up and walk over to my clothes, well they don't smell bad, so I got that going for me. "It is currently 4 AM, so your internal clock is going to be a bit of right now" I turn around to the nurse as she continuous talking. "As the Princess Celestia is the ruler of the sun times she sleeps as soon as her sister brings out the moon, so you will have to meet her in the morning. For now one of the night guards will take you to your temporary room" Cool I get my own room, for a little while.
As she finished her spiel another pony, this one dark and having bat-wings and covered in dark armor walked in. "So I take it your my guide?" He only stares at me and slightly shakes his head in the affirmative, the stoic expression never leaving his face. This looks like it's gonna be sooo much fun.
I went into a side bathroom and got changed really quick, taking a quick moment to check myself in the mirror. Well, everything looked rather normal, other than the fact I really could use a shower, my hair had started getting that unshampooed look. As I exited and the night guard turned around and started walking out the door, I jogged my way over to him, waving bye to the nurse as I left.
As I fell in line with the night guard I looked around at the insanely majestic architecture around me, "So, what's your name?"
"Guard 164" He said in the most serious voice I heard in a long time. I looked over at him with a bewildered look, I mean seriously, is that how they keep track of these guys?
He looked up at me and saw my retarded expression and started snickering, "No my name Black Flash, should have seen your face though, I'm pretty new here, that's why I'm on guiding duty for a new person to the castle, although I can't say I've met someone quite like you."
"Heh had me there for a sec. My name's Ben, if you haven't heard already. So, you're basically on bitch duty, what a loser, anything fun to do around here?" As we left the main part of what I'm guessing is a palace and started walking across the garden, which by the way was also massive, I saw a little road that led to a door.
"Nothing, guards get no free time, its killer," with that thought an idea that could only go perfectly came to mind. With a devious smirk I looked around to see if anyone was near.
"Hmm, well I'm not supposed to be meeting the Princess till tomorrow, so why don't we make a little detour real quick, I just wanna see what this city has going on." Now I had no idea what city I was in, if it had anything cool, but I could hear rave music and see strobe lights from just over that wall, and that kinda stuff has my name written all over it.
"I don't know dude, that could get us in some serious trouble, and I don't want my superiors thinking I just let a visitor run off" Hm, seems this one a timid type when it comes to social life, and there's only one thing to do with someone like this, throw em in the deep end with no floaties what so ever.
"Let me put it like this, either I'm going to go check out what's going on over there by myself and you're gonna get in trouble for letting me run away, or your coming with me, and we will at least have a chance of getting back on time, besides you look like you need a little tension release form all this work, and anyways Celestia said I ahd to be at her throne rom by 9:30, so we'll have plenty of time" Nothing like good old manipulation to get him to go to a rave that could likely ruin this poor soul's career.
"Well when you put it like that I guess I really don't have a choice" Damn right you don't.
"That's the spirit bud"! And we headed off to the door rather quickly not wanting to get found before me made it over there. As soon as we made it through the gate my heart nearly stopped, around me was the combination of Laz Vegas, Ibiza, and New Orleans in one. Needless to say this was gonna be absolutely insane. "Damn, is this city supposed to be really good for partying".
He looked at me apprehensively "Canterlot is the biggest city in Equestria, so it's where all the best parties happen, and they say some insane partier from outta town is here this week". Damn, this is my kind of place. Now let's see which one is the best. Flash points over the a building, "I would recommend the Pony Trance, if you're looking for something crazy" I look over at the one he pointed at and see a sign, "Teen ponies allowed". "Dude, a kids bar, seriously…"
His face blushes up "Heh, sorry".
"Alright kid, I want you to tell me the craziest, stupidest, wildest, most insanely loudest place here"
"Um, the 'The Raving Pegasus?'" He said with a small look of anguish beginning to appear on his face, along with an equal amount of excitement showing on mine.
"That'll have to do now let's go, how far away is it" Now before I go any further, despite the signals I've been giving off I'm not actually that big on parties, but ever city I go to back in Earth I would get a feel for the place by partying my face off, then lying low the rest of the vacation.
In the meantime, Flash was slowly starting to edge back toward the palace, Oh no he doesn't he's not pansying on me now. I gave him the glare of a thousand suns, or a regular glare, there about the same thing. "It's just on the other side of that hayburger joint." He sighs as he resigns his fate for the night. Good, its better he ride along with the rave wave than fight it.
We make our wave over to the massive building, for some reason in this weird 2.5 dimensional world it looked like it was actually shaking from the partying inside, but I must have been just seeing things. I look over at the line to the building and see it raps around the building. Twice. Now that just won't do.
I walk over to the rather large pony bouncer, he wasn't as tall as me, but he was definitely taller than everyone but Celestia so far, but only about up to my chest, around 4'6. Now before I'm an honest man, who wants nothing more to see world full of happy and nice people who want nothing but to smile. "Hey bouncer I'm the new royal party inspector, this party hasn't been checked out recently and it needs a report or it's getting shut down." At the moment I don't know whether he was astonished that a being never before seen was trying to get into his club, or he was just overcome with my amazing lie, but he just stepped aside and let us in. Easier than taking candy from a baby. Flash just walked in behind me his mouth nearly at the floor with how ludicrous I had just sounded. We were soon entwined with the moving mass of bodies that littered the club. "Flash, just go have fun, I'll meet you at the front in like 2 hours and we can head back to the palace, alright?" He didn't get a chance to respond as he was swept away by the crowd. I'll just take that as a yes then. As I looked around a couple things came to the forefront of my attention, first, the DJ booth with what looked like a unicorn going ham on a DJ set with fire coming out of tubes all around her, alright groovy, second was the dance floor, or at this point in the night the mosh pit, and third was the looks I was receiving, which were mixed between awe, fear, and interest, mostly they just kept walking and didn't gawk, what was more surprising was the lack of fear I got at being the center of a lot of attention, normally under this circumstance I would be caving into the fetal position and wishing all the attention to fly away like a bird, and lastly was a bar, which I need to head to immediately, there's no way I'm making it through a shindig this big without knocking back a few drinks. As soon as I got over to the bartender he immediately came up to me, "Are you the royal party inspector sent by Princess Luna?"
"Um, sure" Who the hell is Princess Luna? Whatever I'll just ride this out as long as I can.
"Oh, please have a drink on the house of course" Now I was starting to like this occupation, no matter how made up it was. He handed me a drink as soon as he had finished.
"What exactly is this?" I looked into it, and what I saw wasn't exactly appetizing, lots of colors and a few green things that I swore moved.
"That's the fabled rainbow shot, the most potent thing we've got here" As a smirk started to grow on his face, I'm not sure if I like this guy or not. But hell, what's the worst that could happen; I pulled my head back and swallowed it all. I'm not too experience with alcohol, but this literally felt like dragon piss going down my throat.
Now this is where things started getting a little hazy, first I was getting cheered on for doing five more shots like that, next thing I was on the DJ ponies stand, who had electrifying blue hair and white fur, and trying my hand at DJing, which I'm guessing was going terribly. Next thing I was in the mosh pit throwing Flash around who looked sick from either the drinks I had got him to drink, or from the consistent Mach 2 speed I was flinging him around at.
Then I was drawing immature things on Flash's passed out face, and then I tried that on the bouncer. After that there was a hoof, and loud smack noise and a lot of darkness.
-Limited Edition Drunken Stupor Page Break-
"Hey, hey bub, it's time for you to go" I felt something poking my side, but me and my pounding headache couldn't be bothered.
"Screw off" Seems like the smart thing to say at a time like, I was in no shape to try forming coherent thoughts, I would be as effective at walking as magickarp was at KO'ing other Pokémon.
"Listen, you and you bud over in the corner need to get out before we have to escort you out" Wait a tick, friend? Then all the memories of last night and yesterday fell into place… Oh shit! I gotta go before me and Flash get caught. I sat upright immediately and my vision immediately started swimming. Shaking my head to try and clear the fog of my drunken after affects, I looked at the corner to a rather amusing sight, had I not been nearly late to a meeting with the ruler of this place. Standing up and wobbling over to Flash, who was feet first in a garbage can suckling on what looked like a beer bottle. After four or so steps it became apparent that walking would not be the optimal movement, as I started to tip over to the side and landed ear first on the floor. A dull ringing left in my ears after the fall, alright; if walking won't work I'll have to go back to the basics. Crawling. Now I don't know about rock climbing, but this was what I assume the equivalent to climbing Mount Everest was, because holy shit crawling across this floor was like trying to go up a 90 degree rock face with no handholds. Eventually I made it to poor flash and shrugged him to get him to wake; all I received was a shrug from him to try to get me to go away. Next I tried the classic scream in their ear.
"WAKE UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING, DRUNKEN PONY" That should work, I looked down at him only to see him more peacefully resting… seriously. Welp, looks like I only have one more trick, "Hey, Mr. guy that woke me up" the light red unicorn looked at me with a raised eyebrow, "Can I get a bucket of water for my friend over here?" The unicorn that will now be known as Mr guy walked to the back of the bar while shaking his head.
After about 5 minutes of me starting to stress about the meeting I was supposed to be having with the princess and if I would make it in time Mr Guy returned with the water I wanted, "Hey thanks ma- I mean pony, what time is it?"
"It's 8:30 in the morning" Sweet that means gives me good time to make it back to the Palace, get cleaned up and make it to the meeting. I promptly took the bucket from the unicorn and splashed it generously on Flash, thankfully this time he woke up.
"Ahh! Forth of January!" Flash, well, flashed to him feet and looked like he was ready to fight. Damn, he didn't look like he was even affected with a hangover.
"Flash, um, are you feeling bad or anything, like a headache?" I swear.
"No, why would I have a headache" I just sigh
"Nothing" Of course these ponies don't get hangovers, that would be too logical, this place is gonna take some getting used to if I have to stay here.
"Alright, we have an hour before we need to get to the throne room, hopefully we'll have enough time to get back to my room, I can get cleaned, you can do whatever you were going to do anyways, and we can meet back up at the throne room, any questions?" He nodded his agreement and he took off toward the door, I went to follow but the moment I took my first step my headache, now combined with the weird dimensional difference, felt as if it literally had been stabbed by a knife on fire. Flash turned around to check on me after he noticed I hadn't made it very far.
"You alright there Ben? You look a little sick" I guess sarcastic remarks won't get me very far here.
"In all seriousness no, humans have a problem with high amounts of consumption of alcohol in which after a while we can receive a severe headache, dizziness, fatigue, and, you guessed it, even more nausea." Man If I don't feel better soon then I might not make it back in time. Unless…
"Hey Flash I'm gonna need you to do me a solid here." He looked at me confused, "The only way I'm making it back to the palace in time is on you." His eyes widened, and he started to stutter. "No Complaining, it's the only way we can pull this off" His eyes turned to that of resignation and he sighed.
"Alright hop on, let's make this quick, it's embarrassing to be seen with someone else, er, riding, you." He hesitated on the word riding, hm so it seems riding on another person is seen as a sort of social taboo.
"Alright I agree, the quicker the better, let's get out of here, thanks Mr Guy, hope I won't see you soon!" I waved after him as I mounted Flash, who squirmed under me. "Now! Onward my trusty steed! Time is of the essence!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
-Too Lazy to describe boring flying scene Page break!-
As Flash and I got nearer to my room I thought it would be best that we head through my balcony as not rouse any suspicion as to where I had been. I tapped his head to get him to look at me and nodded toward the balcony, he seemed to get my idea and flew toward it. We landed and I dismounted, "Thanks dude, I really don't think I would have made that trip, and sorry bout the puke, I'm sure it'll come out with some Clorox or maybe shampoo? I'm really not sure." From the distasteful glance he gave me I could tell this would not be an easily forgiven affair.
"Yah, whatever, no more rides though, it's awkward enough as it is, I'll meet up with you at the throne room in 30 minutes, don't be late." He gave me a stern look.
"Alright, alright, mom, I won't be late to my play time" I snickered as he flew back through the window; I stopped once I turned around and got a good look of my room. Damn, was the first word that came to mind, the place was decked in what I assumed is an old English castle look, big bed with draping curtains, and by big I mean the biggest bed I had seen in my now what I assume meager existence. Next was the décor, form the massive mirror to the perfectly crafted dresser, and the lavish desk with all the utensils one would need to make a thesis paper, it was easy to say this place was decked out. Unfortunately I had better things to do than observe cool furniture all day, so I quickly got undressed and headed toward the bathroom, now that I think of it I really hope the bathroom 'equipment' is all the same. As I stepped in I was assured to see that it indeed was, that avoids a lot of unneeded difficulty, I quickly turned on the hot tap on the shower and waited for it heat up. Turning around I checked myself in the mirror, everything seemed in order, albeit slightly unkempt, same shorter hair, same face, same eyes, well at least nothing seems out of order with my general appearance, although this shower is greatly needed.
I stepped into the warm stream of water and took a moment to go over what had happened to me since entering this strange land, landed in some princess's dinner and got a giggle from her, woke up in a hospital, had a nightmare, went to a rave and now I'm here, seems like my average day. I took some Dove Stallion+ Care, seriously, that's a little suspicious right there, and disregarding that fact I quickly shampooed up and rinsed off then got out. I grabbed a towel and toweled myself off, I went to grab my clothes and put them back on when I noticed they were a little… grimy… whatever I'll just have to live with it until I can find someone who can help me clean these. Stepping out of my room I noticed a fatal flaw with my plan, seeing as I have not been to my room before I had absolutely no idea what I was in terms of the throne room. Looking up and down the hall all I saw was one maid quietly leaving a room, she seems nice, "Hey, can you help me find my way to the throne room?" She was startled by my words but quickly recovered and politely turned to me before her eyes widened and she started stuttering, must be my brilliant smile, I guess word hadn't gotten to everyone that human was waltzing around in the capital.
After she recovered enough to breathe and form a coherent thought I walked up to her, " Um yes, just follow me, sir" Knew she would come around, I motioned for her to lead on and she gladly accepted going a little faster than what I was prepared for so I had to half jog after her.
Within about 5 minutes of continuous turning, which did nothing but vastly confuse me as to the layout of this place we arrived at the throne room doors where Flash was waiting, I waved to him and he signaled for me to be quiet, "Court is still in session so me need to be quiet till it's over, when the doors open we should be good to go in and start the meeting" he whispered to me. I stood up to full height, well there's nothing like a second impression, right?
As soon as that thought left my mind there was a loud clack, kind of like a judges hammer, and the doors swung open slowly.