The sky was a particularly bright shade of happy today. The sun was wearing a cheery grin and a rather gaudy sombrero which didn't at all suit it. But then it had never been much noted for its fashion sense.
"Willis."
Harkonnen fluttered his hands, turning slowly to face the man sitting on the marshmallow toadstool next to him.
"Why do you insist on doing that?"
"Willis it's a weird story actually. Every night this creepy looking Japanese guy appears in my dreams and tells me to Willis"
"It's intensely annoying. Please try and stop."
"Willis you ask me to stop every day Willis"
"I'm an optimist at heart."
"Willis best way to be Willis"
Harkonnen buzzed lazily around in a full circle, taking in the majestic sweep of the crayon-coloured hills, marred only by the high-rise buildings off the north which Willis would occasionally break in to and set fire to for little apparent reason. Then again, there was very little apparent reason at all to this place. Whenever he thought about it carefully, he could see that there were a good few things wrong with it, though he couldn't quite put his finger on them. The sun…was his hat at the wrong angle? He couldn't really tell. It looked wrong though. The poor guy should get a fashion consultant.
No…it was something else. He was sure he could remember…something different to this. Sand…a girl with a knife…no, another girl, not that odd one in the revealing uniform that screamed at him all the time.
He was pondering these ineffable mysteries when an Orang-utan suddenly stepped out of a door in thin air in front of him. This might have been expected to cause Harkonnen some mild surprise, but all sorts of odd people wandered through here. He'd rather have an Orang-utan any day than that creepy man with the long hair and the red coat.
The Orang-utan walked up to Harkonnen slowly, and consulted a thick book he was holding, then shook his head.
"Ook Ook"
"I'm sorry, I don't speak Orang-utan" He had had this problem with those six legged things a couple of weeks back.
"Willis he asked you why you weren't on Arrakis where you should be Willis"
Harkonnen scowled. "Since when have you been able to speak Orang-utan?"
"Willis picked it up on a package trip to the planet of the apes, Willis"
"Planet of the where? Anyway, where's Arrakis."
"Willis Damn man, don't you remember your original plot Willis?"
"What?"
"Ook Ook OOK!" The Orang-utan gesticulated wildly with its long, flexible arms.
"Willis it would seem the Librarians council has sent him to get you. Your needed for a prequel apparently Willis"
"A prequel to what?"
"Ook…"
"Willis Ook ook ooooook Willis"
"Ook!"
"Willis Yeah man, sounds like it's pretty urgent. They couldn't find you anywhere, I mean, they even got hold of the Fremen extras Willis."
"What…I don't understand…"
"Ook"
"Willis well ok, it's like this. You got killed off, right? Nah, you probably don't remember, but anyway, once a character is killed off they're cast adrift in L-space as ghosts of their former selves, until they either get snapped up by another author or syndication begins Willis."
"Syndication?"
"Willis aaah yes. Syndication. Cheap computer games, trashy films…can't you just see it Willis?"
"What…I…"
Willis clamped an arm round Harkonnen's shoulder. The smell of his perpetually sweaty armpits was almost overpowering.
"Willis, you see, there's been a sudden interest in your home dimension. It was mostly killed off by that awful film, but now your God's son is running out of cash and deciding to expand the universe. And this can only mean one thing Willis"
"What…?" He was terribly confused now. And life had seemed so wonderfully uncomplicated this morning.
"Willis prequels! Every dead characters dream. A chance for redemption and resurrection outside the hellish fanfic dimensions Willis" Harkonnen saw the Orang-utan shudder as if in dread at the word 'fanfic'.
Fanfics…yes…he thought he remembered something…oh God. The horror! A thousand demonic voiced tearing at his soul like confetti. He had been flung screaming into parallel dimensions, had his personality mangled and his entire past re-written at the cackling whim of the authors who flocked like vultures around the edges of L-space. He shuddered too.
"Willis, see! You're beginning to remember. I suspect it was such a relief to find a stable position inside published L-space again that you blocked it all out Willis."
"Yes…I remember now…" Suddenly he clutched the sides of his head and dropped from the sky to his knees. "DEAR GOD! THE MARY SUES!" The Orang-utan rested a hand on his shoulder and made soothing noises as it helped him up with his other hand.
"Ook, ook ook."
"Willis don't worry, he says. He can have you back in your original universe as easy as that Willis."
Standing shakily, Harkonnen took the Orang-utans proffered hand and turned as a doorway opened up in midair, shimmering and golden in the suns rays. Harkonnen gasped as he looked through.
"My god, it's full of stars." He said, then he stepped through holding onto the Orang-utans hand, and vanished.
"Willis Damn there's a lot of background plagiarising in this dimension Willis."
Suddenly the ground shook, and the sky turned terror. The sun hid behind its sombrero, whimpering pitifully.
"That's enough of that talk, Willis." Said a stern voice from the sky in a noticeable Japanese accent. "This is the only thing saving you from Die Hard 4, and you know it."
"Willis, yeah, sorry Kouto, won't mention it again Willis."
"Good" the sky turned back to its normal shade of contentment and the sun peeked out again from behind his sombrero.
"Willis wonder who they'll get in to replace that bozo Willis" said Willis thoughtfully to himself as he sat back down on the marshmallow toadstool, reaching down idly for a handful to chew on thoughtfully.
"Sir, Baron Harkonnen has been successfully returned to his parent universe." The young woman placed a file on the desk in front of the elegantly clothed blonde-haired man next to a cup of steaming tea.
"Excellent Wendy. That's one more off the list." The man sighed and took a sip of tea "Ah, but for what Wendy? Pulp sequels? Ill plotted video games?" He took another contemplative sip. "What's it all for, apart from keeping us busy when there's no rare books to track down or I-Jin to exterminate? Sometimes I think our expertise could be better employed."
"Sir, it is our duty as Librarians to uphold all forms of narrative continuity, as you well know."
"Of course I do Wendy. And you know I'd never think of shirking my duty for an instant." And he added under his breath "Mr. Gentleman would never let me forget it for one thing…"
"Of course sir. Now, have you decided on a replacement for the character?"
"Yes, in fact I just had Mr. Hirano on the phone. Decent sort of chap but totally off his rocker. Said he's got a load of dead characters we can use, he left the decision up to me." He paused. "This one I think" he said, pushing the folder over. "She's in the hospital unit. We rescued her from a brutal character violation in a rogue fanfic, she seems to be recovering well though." Wendy nodded, picking up the file as she turned to leave. "Oh, and Wendy?"
"Yes sir?"
"Don't give her that bloody musket back, ok?"
"Understood sir!"
Willis had finished the toadstool, and was sitting on the grass, rubbing his stomach, when he heard distant singing behind him, coming steadily closer.
"Denn wir wollen es nicht langer lieden, daß der Englisch mann daruber lacht…"
Willis turned and saw an androgynous-looking girl in a black suit skipping merrily across the fields toward him, a street-cafe parasol over one shoulder and a merry sharked tooth grin on her face. She stopped when she saw him and beamed happily.
"Hello Mr. Villis, I am ze new replacement vor Mr. Harkonnen!" She extended a gloved hand towards him.
Willis groaned inwardly as he took it.
He had not had very good experiences with Germans.