A/N: I have vanished for a while. I cannot even begin to express what has gone on in my life. I do have a diagnosis of PTSD and once I saw the episode the other night, I felt I had to write this. Slowly, I am trying to write again, but it'll take some time. Thanks for reading. Depending on the response I get from this story, I may write some more PTSD centered one shots. It did help me, I will say that :) Enjoy:

You are hanging by a thread- it's the best you can do right now, is hanging there. On one side of that thread is the option that is too taboo to even mention. Even the idea of talking about giving up is not something you can mention.

The other side of that thread is what you have been accustomed to doing for the past year now.

Acting. Denying. Minimizing.

But today- today you slipped up and you got caught. Spense caught you and in the few short hours since then, it has started a whirlwind of hell for you to fall deeper into. And for once, you cannot stop it.

You don't know what to do at this point, but you do know a few things. The hardest to admit though, is that you cannot help yourself anymore, you are getting worse. Much worse.

You cannot sleep at night, you can fall asleep. Sure, that part is easy, but as soon as you relax, he is there, right there with you. You feel his breath, his hands, hear his voice, remember the way he moved and the way he smiled. And it all comes at once. Your mind does not give you the peace of breaking it down into little tiny chunks, no, no that won't happen. Instead, you are hit like a damn train with it- everything all at once. All the emotion, all the senses, all of it.

One side of you is telling you that you are safe, you are okay, he is dead, and you are alive. Yet, the other side of your brain is caught. Trapped in that hell and you do not know which side to listen to. So now, on top of everything else, you feel as if you are going crazy. You cannot make up your mind, and if you do, and are able to convince yourself you are safe, your body does not know it yet.

It's a no win situation, you cannot win.

And these no win situations are becoming more and more frequent. You used to be able to stop them, to pretend they were not happening, that you were fine and moved on. You cannot pretend anymore.

You cannot pretend that you were not kidnapped and tortured, nearly raped, almost killed. You cannot dust it off, yet, you still struggle to admit it to yourself.

You refuse to talk about it, not even to Will and that is not helping.

Nothing you are doing is helping.

And you want to laugh at Spence who called "this" PTSD. Whatever "this" is. You feel this is so much more than just a damn label, it has to be.

But if this is really PTSD, my God, you think back to all the cases you have read, all the victims you have saved and know, you know, that those poor people have the same thing going on.

And yet, somehow, they are still going.

And so are you. You have to.

You have so much to live for. Your team, your husband. Your son.

And while it might not seem like it right now, you didn't lose. You haven't won just yet, but you are running that marathon and sooner or later, you will cross that finish line.

You just may need some help from friends.

And tonight, you decide to stay on the good side of the thread, the thread that says its okay to hurt, its okay to be angry and sad, and want to give up. The side of the thread that says this isn't about what's wrong with you, it is what happened to you. The side of the thread that makes you stay alive for another battle.

And today, you will do that, knowing that the battle will start all over again tomorrow, but for today, PTSD did not win. You did.