Facing Your Fears
I want to paint my face But people have problems that are worse than mine I am slowly falling apart
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
[B]April 26, 2008
It had been almost five weeks since Lulu had seen Johnny. Five weeks since she walked away from him, from the Zaccarrah compound, and from her one chance at happiness.
She couldn't help but think about the last time she had been at the Overlook.
March 20, 2008
After hesitantly walking out on him, Lulu aimlessness got in her car and drove. She didn't care where, just as far as humanly possible away from Crimson Pointe and Johnny and there was enough liquor to numb her pain.
She didn't know why she ended up at the Haunted star, she didn't even care. All she cared about at that moment was getting enough alcohol in her system to forget Johnny Zaccarrah ever existed. And even as she said this out loud to herself, she knew there wasn't enough alcohol in the world to make that happen.
She headed to the bar and starting searching the cabinets. Once she had found a bottle of tequila, the strong kind, she started heading to the door when she stopped. She turned and looked at the piano. How many times had he played that piano for her? How many times had he played that song? Their song. Their Beautiful Yearning. "Beautiful Yearning, my ass Johnny Zaccarrah!" She screamed, walking over to the piano and slamming the lid closed. She turned and walked out.
About a two hours and a half a bottle of tequila later, she was wrapped up in her winter coat, sitting on the ledge at the Overlook. She loved the view and the stillness when she was up here. Sitting on the edge made her feel alive, free. She didn't want to jump, but at that moment she didn't care if she fell.
Her phone kept vibrating in her pocket, so she finally pulled it out to see about the fuss. She had several missed calls and text messages. She didn't feel like reading them or talking to anyone so she cleared her screen, only to come face to face with the man that had caused her heart ache.
She smiled slightly at the image on her cell screen. He didn't want that picture taken but she had convinced him. They had been sitting on the floor, the day after making love, and she had wanted to remember the moment. So she had grabbed her phone and begged him to let her take his picture. She had coaxed him to smile, saying something about making it worth his while and shot the picture at the exact moment when his smile had reached all the ways to his eyes.
Afterwards, she had given him his reward, twice.
Looking at the screen now, she couldn't remember feeling happy since that night.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud clearing of the throat.
"How did you find me?"
Jason walked towards her knowing that she was reasonably drunk.
"Spinelli has called you several times. I guess when you weren't answering or at any of your usually hangouts, he hacked into your GPS and saw you were here."
"Well I'm pine, fine. Show yoselph out." Lulu said situating herself carefully, leaning against a pillar, on the ledge facing the city, taking a large gulp of tequilla.
"OK. Well, how about you get off that ledge and I'll take you home." Jason asked, carefully watching the girl he had started to consider a friend.
When Lulu didn't answer right away, Jason came closer and saw that Lulu had passed out.
Jason gathered lulu, her purse and the bottle of tequila in his arms and headed to her car.
When Lulu woke up the next morning, she was in a strange room. When the haziness subsided, she realized she was in Jason's spare room. Getting up out of bed and gathering her stuff, Lulu made her way down the stairs.
Jason was sitting at his desk, and turned to face her when she made it to the bottom.
"There's a large glass of water and four Aleive on the table for you."
"Thanks. How'd I get here?" Lulu asked, walking over to the table and swallowing all four pills at once.
"I found you at the overlook drunk on the ledge, shortly after you passed out and I put you in your car and drove you here. You want to tell me why you were on that ledge, Lu?" Jason asked walking over and sitting next to her on the couch.
"A broken heart." She whispered, sniffling back the tears that were brimming in her eyes.
Jason didn't say anything. He didn't need to. He knew what had happened. Shortly after bringing lulu back to the penthouse, Zaccarrah had showed up looking for lulu. Jason was surprised, especially since all of the crap that had went down between the Zacarrahs and Sonny the past few weeks. When Jason told him to go away, Johnny just pushed his way through and asked if Jason had heard from Lulu. When Jason inquired about why Johnny would be looking for Lulu, he wouldn't say much. All Jason could get out of him was that they had broken up and he was worried because she wasn't answering her phone.
Jason had told him she was fine and had left it like that, pushing him towards the door and slamming the door in a very pissed off Johnny Z's face.
After moments of silence, Lulu stood up and walked over the door, turning before reaching for the knob.
"I need you to promise me something Jason." She said.
Jason just looked up from his position on the couch.
"Johnny is determined to fight a war against Sonny, I need you to promise me that he won't get hurt because of you. I need you to promise me that YOU won't kill Johnny." She breathe, letting a few tears escape, before briskly wiping them away.
"Lulu" Jason sighed putting his face in his hands. How could she even ask him this. She knows better.
"Jason I need you to promise." Lulu said turning around and pulling the door open.
The last words Lulu heard before walking out the door was a whispered "I promise" from the enforcer.
April 26, 2009
That had been almost five weeks ago and she hadn't been back here since. After leaving Jason's, she went to her house and showered. Then she made her way to the hospital to check on Carly and Logan. When she got to Logan's room they had a long talk. She had told him she couldn't be with him. That there was no hope of a romantic relationship with him because her heart belonged to someone else.
Logan understood and said that he knew the day would come where she would choose Johnny, he had hoped it would have been a little longer though. He then began to tell her he was going back to Texas, as soon as the doctor gave the all clear and he packed his stuff.
When he asked if she would drive his jeep while he drove the uhaul, she jumped at the opportunity to get out of Port Charles, with the exception that Spinelli came along. Logan agreed.
When she went to see Carly, the doctors said she went home, so Lulu decided to take a drive over there. When she got there, Carly had a mission for her. She wanted Lulu to become Kate Howards assistant and spy for her. Carly had already gotten her the interview and Jax had highly recommended her so the job was basically hers to take.
After excepting the job, Kate had said that she didn't need to start for another two weeks, so Lulu decided that would be the time she would go with Logan and Spinelli.
So for the fast five weeks, Lulu had been doing nothing but filling her hours with busy work. Driving to Texas, lunches with Lucky and Nikolas, pool with Jason, handling all of Kates emails and calls, she barely had time to think.
She knew she was doing it on purpose. She needed busy work to keep her mind off of Johnny.
She had heard from Spinelli, that there had been no declaration of war yet. That everything was peaceful at the moment. For that she was grateful, but she couldn't help but wonder if it was the calm before the storm.
May 3, 2008
Lulu smoothed down her beautiful satin dress, taking one for look at herself in the full length mirror.
"Lulu come on, Lets go." Maxie yelled once more beating on the bathroom door.
"Shut up Maxie. I'm coming."
Lulu was so glad that Jason had agreed to go to the reopening of the Haunted Star with her. Spinelli had been asked by Maxie and when Jason had found out who Luke's partner was, he reluctantly agreed to go with her, if only to be her shoulder to lean on.
Lulu walked down the stairs and found Jason, Spinelli and Maxie waiting there for her.
"Finally, are you ready princess." Maxie asked sarcastically, grabbing Spinellis hand and dragging him out the door.
Gripping the invitation in her left hand tightly, Lulu nodded and looped her arm in Jason outstretched one. "As ready as I'll ever be."
The Haunted Star was lit up for miles. The chandler and tables were sparkling brightly.
The party was in full swing when Lulu and the others arrived. She quickly did a survey of the place, nodding her head in satisfaction. "Papa did good." She thought to herself.
She spotted Luke at the bar and excused herself. As she made her way to the bar, her eyes landed on a pair of green eyes. His green eyes. He nodded at her and she had to will herself to rip her eyes away and continue towards her father.
"Gumdrop." Luke said, enveloping her with open arms.
Lulu gladly took the hug and buried herself in her father's arms.
"Hi Daddy" she smiled after they broke away from their hug. "The place looks amazing. You and Johnny did an amazing job with the place."
"Yea, young Zaccarrah is a good kid. Amazing business smarts with an attitude that needs some tweaking."
Lulu couldn't help but smile and was about to comment when a hand on her shoulder caught her attention.
When she turned around, Johnny was looking back at her. "Sorry to interrupt Luke, but can I still your daughter for a dance?"
"Up to the lady young Zacarrah."
Lulu couldn't do anything but nod a slight yes. She didn't want to. She wanted to stomp on his foot and make a scene but she refused to let him get to her so she let him take her hand and followed him to the dance floor.
The soft melody of Eric Claptons "You look wonderful tonight" plays in the air, as she rests her hand on she should and the other hand in his hand securely.
Its late in the evening
Shes wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make up
And brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright
And I say yes, you look wonderful tonight
They start moving together, his hand holding hers close to his heart, his other on the small of her back pulling her closer. His eyes meeting hers.
We go to a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady
Thats walking around with me
And then she asks me
Do you feel alright
And I say yes, I feel wonderful tonight
Lulu tried to pull away a little, but Johnny wouldn't let her. He just held her tighter and kept his gaze fixed on her.
I feel wonderful
Because I see the love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just dont realize
How much I love you
Suddenly, Johnny pulled her closer and leaned in so he could whisper something in her ear. Lulu felt Johnny's breathe on her neck, as he gently hummed the words to the song in her ear.
Its time to go home now
And Ive got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
She helps me to bed
And then I tell her
As I turn out the light
I say my darling, you were wonderful tonight
Lulu couldn't take it anymore. She pulled herself away from him suddenly, whispering an I'm sorry and darted towards the hallway of rooms.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight
She could hear Johnny calling after her as she ran to the last door on the right.
"Lulu.."
"Go away Johnny." Lulu whispered, her voice cracking as she furiously wiped away the stray tear that had run down her cheek.
"Can we talk first." Johnny asked stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him.
At the sound of the door closing, Lulu turned around abruptly and moving around Johnny opened the door. "No, we can't. We're done remember, so you can leave now."
Johnny didn't budge. He just continued looking at her in that look that made her heart melt every time he looked at her like that. "I'm not leaving until we talk, Lulu."
"Well then I'll leave." She spit out turning towards the open door, only to be stopped by his hand gripping lightly onto her elbow.
"Lulu please. Five minutes."
Lulu let out a huff and turned towards him, walking past him and walking toward the bed. "Fine. Talk." She said taking a sit on the edge of the bed, playing with the edge of her dress nervously.
Johnny fidgeted a little before glancing up and meeting her eyes. "How've you been?"
"Fine."
"I haven't seen you around lately." Johnny replied, softly finding the spot on the carpet very fascinating.
"I've been busy, Johnny."
"Oh."
Silence filled the room for what seemed like forever until Lulu finally broke it.
"Are we done now?"
"Look, Lulu I don't know why you are made at me. You walked away from me." Johnny responded stepping in front of her blocking
"Excuse me?" Lulu barked out calmly. "I walked away from you after you chose revenge and a possible war with Sonny over me."
"You wanted me chose you over my family Lulu."
"AND I WASN'T WORTH IT WAS I JOHNNY?" Lulu yelled at him, causing Johnny to take a step back. "I BEGGED YOU TO GIVE THAT REVENGE UP. I CAME THERE TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO ME. I WANTED YOU. I CHOSE YOU. AND YOU COULDN'T CHOSE ME."
"YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE ME EITHER LULU."
"Johnny I came there to…"
"I'm not talking about choosing between me and Logan, there really wasn't a choice there. I am talking about me and your fear of being like your mother." Johnny said taking a step towards her.
Lulu didn't know what to say. "You're right Johnny, being like my mother is my worst fear, but that isn't the only reason I walked away from you. If I would have stayed with you and you would have gotten hurt during your war, do you understand what that would do to me?" Lulu squeaked out, letting the tears she had been holding in freely fall down her cheeks.
Johnny looked up when he heard a soft sob coming from Lulu, to find her looking at him, tears freely falling down her face abrubtly. A hard ache in his chest forming.
"Lu.." He said taking another step towards her, only for her to take another step backwards.
"No, it's done. We have said everything we needed to say." She moved to go past him but was stopped when he wrapped both of his arms around her waist and pulled her back against his chest. "Johnny… Please."
"No, I can't let you walk away again. I won't let you do it. We can work this out."
They both looked towards the open door when they heard someone clear their throat.
"Lu, You ok?" Jason asked, taking in the situation and getting concerned by the state that his friend was in.
Struggling out of Johnny's hold, Lulu walked towards Jason. "Yeah, we're done here."
"Lulu.."
Wiping away her tears and putting on a strong face, she turned and faced Johnny. "Goodnight Johnny. Congratulations on the place." Turning back towards Jason and taking his outstretched hand.
Before she could walk completely out the door, Johnny had one more thing to say. "We aren't finished Lulu. I know that and deep down you know that too. And I am not going to stop until you back with me where you belong!"
Lulu couldn't respond. She just let Jason lead her down the hallway and out into the night.
May 13, 2008
It had been a little over a week since the Haunted Star grand opening. Lulu had been keeping herself busy, throwing herself into work and an occasional throw down with Maxie. They had somehow developed a love/hate truce relationship since they both got put as co-assistants for Kate. Maxie was turning out to be someone that Lulu could really count on. She even let Lulu rant about Johnny once and a while.
Recently, LuLu had decided she wanted to rent her own place. She had found an affordable apartment, in a good area of town for a reasonable price, that with the pay she was receiving from Kate and the tips she was receiving from her nighttime shifts at Kelly, she was able to move in right away. So her life was completely full of things to keep her busy.
Anything to keep her mind off of Johnny.
Of course Johnny had other plans. It seemed whenever she turned around he was there. At Kelly's, during her shifts. At the Metro Court, when she would meet Carly for their weekly lunch. At Jakes, when her and Jason would play pool. He was everywhere.
And on top of everything he wouldn't quit sending her things.
The day after their fight at the opening, a dozen pink orchids arrived at her house with a note that read "I was walking past a flower shop and saw these. I thought they might bring your day some joy. JZ." She didn't understand what he wanted.
She walked over to the table and placed them on it, tucking the note in her pocket, turned around and walked back upstairs to her room.
The next day, a single red rose was sitting on her desk after her lunch break. She walked over and read the note. "A red rose for a beautiful woman."
The single red roses continued for the next four days. Each one with a different note.
On that Saturday, she moved into her new apartment with the help of her father, two brothers, Spinelli, Maxie, and Jason.
After a full day of moving and unpacking and a long hot shower, Lulu finally had a chance to breathe.
About an hour later, her phone beeped with a text message. Flipping it opened she smiled and went to the door.
Sitting on her doorstep was a small flat package. Bringing it inside, she opened it up. It was a blank cd. When she opened the CD, a note fell out. When she read it tears came to her eyes. "Our relationship is just like our song. A beautiful yearning waiting for someone to take a chance and play it. Take a chance Lu and lets play it together."
That had been the last gift he had given to her. She had wanted to call him and thank him but she needed more time to process everything.
It was now Tuesday and she hadn't heard from Johnny for three days. She knew he was giving her space. Waiting patiently for her.
She was eating dinner with Lucky, Maxie and Sam at the Metro Court when he was beeped. He excused himself and went to make a call.
Five minutes later he returned. "Lulu."
When Lulu looked up, she immediately knew something was wrong. "Lucky."
"Johnny was shot tonight Lu."
"Robin where's Johnny?" Lulu called as soon as the doors of the emergency room flew open. Lucky and Maxie close behind her.
"Lulu."
"No Robin where is Johnny." Lulu said sternly. Lucky moved his hand on to her shoulder supportively.
"They just took him up to surgery. He had a bullet to the chest, in the area where his heart is. We don't think it pierced anything but we aren't sure." Robin said, looking at the blonde with sympathetic eyes. "Patrick is assisting Leo. As soon as I know anything I will come tell you."
"Thank you Robin. We'll be over here." Lucky said following Lulu and sitting next to her.
Lulu couldn't respond. She just walked over to where Claudia was sitting. Not caring if Claudia wanted her there or not she sat next to her and put a gentle hand over hers giving it a squeeze.
Claudia was taken aback, but she didn't care at that moment. All she wanted was for Johnny to make it through and if Lulu being there, giving him strength was going to give him that then she wasn't going to fight it.
"What happened?" Lulu asked quietly. There had been silence in the waiting room since she had gotten there. Lucky had disappeared for coffee or something and Maxie had gone to call Spinelli to update him.
"Ambush on the docks. Retaliation from Sonny for a couple of burnt down warehouses." Claudia replied.
Just then, Jason flew in through the doors and spotted Lulu immediately. "Lulu!"
When he approached her, he was met with a fist in the face.
Jason head went flying back. Regaining his composure, he looked at Lulu. "What the hell, Lulu?"
"You promised me. You promised you wouldn't kill Johnny." She went to push him again when Jason grabbed her wrists and pulled her to him.
"Lulu, it wasn't us. We were ambushed also. Three of our men were killed tonight at the same time Johnny was shot. I promise it wasn't us."
At that moment Robin came out.
Everyone got up when she approached.
"The bullet went straight through and it didn't pierce the heart like we might have thought. Johnny's going to be fine. You can see him when he gets out of recovery in about an hour. He'll be in room 624." Robin said to the group of waiters.
"Thank you Dr. Scorpio. For everything." Claudia said shaking Robins hand and heading for the sixth floor. She stopped and turned around. "Lulu are you coming?"
Lulu was taken aback but quickly adjusted herself and responded. "Yeah. I'll meet you in there."
Lulu sat down. He was going to be ok. Johnny was going to live.
May 14, 2008
Lulu pushed the hospital room where Johnny was sitting. She had left earlier that morning, after spending the night in the hospital with him. She wanted to change and shower. About thirty minutes after she had left Claudia called her telling her Johnny woke up and wanted her to come back as soon as possible.
She had gotten that call tow hours ago. She had hurried home, showered, changed and then hurried back.
When she opened the door, he was laying in the hospital bed, sitting up with his eyes closed. She carefully closed the door behind her and when she turned back around he was watching her.
"Hey you." He said to her as she walked over to him. "I've been waiting for you."
"Well, I was here all night waiting for sleeping beauty to wake up." She joked at him, taking a seat in the chair she had vacated an hour earlier, and putting her hand over his.
He quickly intertwined their fingers and scooted over carefully pulling her into bed with him.
"Johnny, I'm going to hurt you."
"No you aren't, I've been waiting almost three months to have you back in my arms. A gunshot is not going to stop me."
It didn't take much convincing for Lulu to gently mold her body into hers and place her head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.
She didn't even mean for it to happen, but maybe the emotions from the past three months or the stressful two days but Lulu broke.
As the sobs shook her body, she felt Johnny pull her closer to him and whisper sweet nothings into her hair. Every once and a while a kiss to her hair.
After several minutes, her sobs died down and she brought her eyes up to meet his. "I'm so sorry Johnny."
"It's ok Lulu."
"No, you were right. I was scared. I was soooo scared of my feelings for you taking control of me and I just.."
"Lu, it's done. This right here. This is where I want to be. Before you got here. Claudia and I had a long talk before you got here. I am going to focus on the Haunted Star and help her with the books. She is handling everything else. I'm done." He said, using the pads of his thumbs to wipe her tears.
"Johnny you don't"
"No, I was planning on it anyway, Lu. This past month or so has been miserable without you. I couldn't do it anymore Lulu." He brought her chin up and looked in her eyes. "I am in love with you, Lesley Lu Spencer. So much that it hurts when I'm not with you but when I am with you I feel like nothing can touch me. I want to tell you everything. You're my best friend and if leaving the family business and being free is what I have to do then it's done because you Lulu. You have my heart."
Lulu smiled, letting her tears fall again. Only this time they were happy tears.
Careful not put pressure on his shoulder, she maneuvered herself closer to him and brought her lips to him for a sweet kiss.
At least it was suppose to be, but Johnny had other ideas. He took the opportunity and snuck his tongue in gently tasting her. She tasted like sugar and vanilla from her morning coffee.
When they finally broke apart, they were both breathless. Lulu pulled back and smiled. "I love you too, Johnny. So much. And I am so sorry I walked out. But I'm done being scared. I want this. I want you and me. I want movie dates, walks in the park, lunches at Kelly's. I want it all."
Johnny smiled. "Well, you better get ready lulu Spencer, because you are stuck with me!" He said pulling her in for another kiss.
Lulu giggled against his mouth. "I think I can handle that."
Sometimes I find myself shaking But people have problems that are worse than mine
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty