A/N: Dedicated to Shane.
Kirk: Stardate 47318.6. Wait! That's a hundred years from now!
Spock: One hundred and fourteen years, Captain. And three days.
Kirk: (glares at Spock) It's called the captain's log for a reason.
Spock: The log is recording, sir.
Kirk: Captain's log. Stardate 2357.9. Zadok. This man, this priest has taken over my ship and there doesn't seem to be any way to stop him! Spock says not to lose hope—
Spock: I said no such thing. Hope is an emotion. Emotions are illogical. And even if I had told you 'not to lose hope,' I am quite able to speak for myself, sir.
Kirk: --but I don't know what to do! We are out of ensigns! They fall before Zadok like dominos! We have progressed to using junior grade lieutenants! As they do not have red shirts, we are losing many fine garments to bloodstains! Zadok the Priest is a menace the clothing!
Spock: Do not forget the ship, sir.
Kirk: That too! Zadok the Priest is a menace!
Uhura: Zadok's a priest?
Kirk: Of course he's a priest! He's Zadok the Priest, woman! His title is 'the Priest'! He can't be 'the Priest' if he's not a priest!
Uhura: Aren't priests supposed to be celibate?
Kirk: You had sex with the enemy? The enemy? Zadok the Priest? Are you insane? We're here, barricaded on the bridge, surrounded by these randomly blinking lights and tempting buttons, hiding from your lover?
Uhura: Yeah, pretty much. But you get action on every episode, with some alien priestess. What's so wrong with Zadok?
Kirk: None of the priestesses took over the Enterprise, you stupid whore!
Uhura: You did not just call me a whore.
Kirk: Whore.
Uhura: Asshole!
Kirk: Bitch!
Spock: (muttering to Scotty) Do they realize that the log is still recording?
Scotty: (muttering back) The admirals back a' Starfleet ar' gonna get a hell o' a kick out o' this. 'Twill scare 'em right out o' their comfy chairs.
Kirk and Uhura bicker for several minutes, the content of which must be censored, since fanfiction won't allow MA ratings. By the time they are anywhere close to being finished, both of Spock's eyebrows are raised, Chekov and Sulu are staring openmouthed, McCoy is rummaging through his instruments to disguise his embarrassment, and Scotty is gaping at Uhura with a mixture of surprise and respect on his face.
Scotty: (muttering to McCoy) Can a body even do all those things?
McCoy: (muttering back) (fiddling with a scalpel) Not at the same time, certainly.
Kirk and Uhura continue to scream at each other.
McCoy: Ok, that's it. (sedates Kirk and Uhura)
--Twenty minutes later—
Kirk: (waking back up) What's going on? Why is my shirt ripped? Status report, Mister Sulu!
Sulu: I'm gay, captain.
A/N: I wrote that a long time ago, when nothing I said made sense, and canon was just a set of general guidelines. I figured I had to put it up, though. It made me giggle.