Genre: Shonen-Ai; bits of H/C, bits of angst, snatches of romance
Pairing: RuHana as well as SenHana
Rating: PG
Warnings: Not beta-ed but anyone other than me, some mild swearing
Notes: Inspired by the movie, "Torch Song Trilogy"
Rukawa's POV. Rukawa contemplates the meaning of cool, and the means of obtaining control in a relationship.
Scalper of Hope
By Dementia_12
Inside of me is a side you would never expect. The side that longs to be open and free, simple and resistant to limitations. There is a side that has been nurtured by countless TV shows and movies, where people would fall in and out of love so fast and who had no opposition to promiscuity.
I wanted to be more like that. To be the one who didn't care so much; who smoked, drank, and was involved in all sorts of vices just for the hell of it because it was just so me. And to a degree, I am this. I sleep when I want, treat people however I wish, and live as I live.
But as a lover, I had hopes. An extensive fantasy life, with me starring as the guy in control, the one who gave a damn but didn't have to show it because he was so cool and collected, where you felt lucky just to have him in his life much less question his motivations.
I can do that.
I can be that guy.
I'd be great!
But fantasy only took me so far.
Because when I started dating Hanamichi after the devoted and endless pursuit starring the very un-cool guy, I made up some terms for us being together. I had rules to be with me, and if you couldn't deal with it than goodbye to you. I was "James Dean: The Resurrected" in my head for the duration of my entire speech. Never mind that I had tried to be with him for God only knows how long, struggling to make him see me as someone beyond a sleepy kitsune and the involuntary snatcher of genki girls' hearts. It was almost ridiculous of me to be attempting to regulate everything but by that point, I had realized that he wanted me. Hanamichi wanted me as much as I wanted him but he hadn't known it. My proximity, my relentlessness, my determination made him see it all, what we as a we could be.
So I told him all sorts of conditions. That's right; I made my love conditional when it was so far beyond that, it was laughable. Hanamichi could have asked me to dip myself in chocolate and deliver a caramel-centred Rukawa to his doorstep on Valentine's Day and I would've done it. Not without a glare because I don't want to get caramel stuck.... Well, you know where...it'd hurt! But I'd have done it, if he had wanted it. Really, I would've.
But…
DON'T
sleep over on school nights.NO food in the bed.
NEVER speak when I'm on the phone because it could be family.
DON'T wear my clothes or touch my Jordan autographed basketball.
DON'T wake me when I'm asleep - that one didn't really pan out because I found I was missing out on a LOT of sex time. Plus, Hanamichi's not a quiet guy so I'm actually starting to sleep solely at night.
Go figure. Love changes a man.
The epitome of my foolishness and my height of cool occurred at the same time. I said - don't hit me when you hear it because you'll want to - that we weren't exclusive. I had a belief that Hanamichi was bisexual, not gay. I mean, he chased girls so much in his past and I don't think it's just because he was waiting for the right guy. Plus, we're both young. We need to keep our options open. I said some of this to Hanamichi but I think I made it sound like I didn't want to feel tied down. No Lilliputians on me. I am cool.
Hanamichi didn't seem to like that, but it was my way or no way. No one likes to feel like they are weighed done by their lover, and I was just emphasizing that this was especially true for me.
God, I really slapped myself in the face.
We were doing so well. Dating for over a year, getting along so grandly and sweetly, like we were meant. My heart was his. I loved him, utterly so. His eyes captivated me, his body seduced me, his loving smile and insurmountable enthusiasm buoyed me up for each day. Love, love, loved him.
We had spent the weekend at Sendoh's. He had bought a new place and during university, we had cast aside some of our differences and managed something akin to a friendship. Sendoh had a guest room with a nice queen-sized bed. He knew of my relationship with Hanamichi so our sleeping together was no big shock to the system for him. It was a very pleasant visit. Sendoh had his own lover, Koshino from Ryonan high school, come over as well. We all ate home cooked meals with merlot, traded stories, watched movies and laughed quite a bit.
When Koshino came to my door with a duffel bag the next weekend, I didn't know what to think except that he and Sendoh had broke up. He looked quite sullen so I sat him down in the kitchen and gave him some tea. Hanamichi was better at consoling others, despite his occasional tactlessness, but he was still at school. This would be a good opportunity for me to grow, I guess.
We chatted only for a few minutes about Koshino's situation when he casually shared, "I guess I didn't know how to take it when I heard about him and Hanamichi. Even though I told him sleeping with others was alright by me, it just never came up before now and I didn't know how to deal."
I felt very lost.
"Sendoh and Hanamichi?"
And than it clicked and I gasped, my heart starting to accelerate as flashes of imagination featuring the two blinked in my head like an old movie.
Koshino looked startled.
"Oh, Hanamichi didn't tell you? I thought you knew! Oh, I'm sorry!"
I'm pretty blank as to what happened later but Koshino left and Hanamichi came home and I confronted him. I really didn't have much to go with. I was flaming, flickering rapidly with a green hue. I was raging. Livid. Betrayed!
"But you told me to! You said and I quote
'We're young. I don't want to feel tied down and neither of us should be.'
Why are you so angry?"
He really pays too much attention to me sometimes.
"I know it! I don't want you to feel tied down!" I hollered back at him, belying my words with a shaky voice.
"And I don't! I didn't! Are you upset?"
I didn't dignify him with an answer. I just left the room and stewed for the rest of the day.
And the next.
I am cool.
By the time I could even remotely reconcile my feelings, one of my last thoughts before climbing into bed with Hanamichi two nights later was "Damn. Television has really led me astray."
I turned off my lights with mumbled goodnight and turned my back to him. Sleep wouldn't come easily, but I left my eyes closed so he'd leave me alone to marinate in my jealous juices.
I don't know how much time had passed but I heard him whisper to me.
"Rukawa. Can I ask you a question?"
"The answer's yes."
"What?"
"The answer's yes. I'm too tired to argue so the answer is yes, so go to sleep."
There was a long pause before I felt him shift and lie down next to me. Hanamichi curled his body around me tightly, arm wrapping around me for a warm squeeze...which I needed to feel right then. He reached to kiss me on the cheek and I froze a bit. Hanamichi stroked my hair away from my eyes, ignoring my lack of movement and whispered in my ear,
"Good. I love you, too and can't wait to marry you. Sweet dreams."
Hanamichi let his head rest next to mine and fell asleep.
My eyes opened and stayed open for a long time after, a very uncool sheen of tears blurring my vision and an elated smile on my face.
~Owari~