A/N - Possible oneshot? I don't really know, let me know what you think.
Jessica Angell knelt on the damp grass and felt the wet seeping into her trouser legs, into her body and the coldness of it numbing her while she stiffened in position. In contrast her face bristled with heat. Hot pin pricks over her cheeks where tears were slowly falling from her eyes. She'd tried to stop them, God knows she had but finally she'd been overcome, their power defeating her less willing self control.
The wind whistled around her in the deserted location she found herself and she pulled her coat tighter, arms hugging around herself as she imagined they were the arms of whom she longed for, the arms of whom she seeked just for some semblance of comfort and peace. But they weren't, they were her own, and she was alone, all alone, as always. It had never mattered about James, and she tried not to think of him. He was a good, kind and honest person. In another life she might have been truly happy with him and a life of settling down, producing children and growing to a ripe old age before dying, contented with her life. But those thoughts made her sick. She'd never cared about any of that. For such a long time now she'd felt like half a person, like she was missing her soul or whatever it was that truly made her her.
She opened her mouth to speak but the dry rasp of her throat had her closing it again almost immediately as emotion overwhelmed her. Her tears fell so hard that they dribbled over her top lip and settled in the crevice of her mouth, quickly filling it before continuing on down her chin to hang. Her entire face now felt numb from crying and exhaustion. Her legs had completely gone, the cold and damp numbing them, the ache from her bodyweight pressing on them only adding to the nothingness she felt. She shivered as the cold wind whipped round her again, her hands glowing red from the icy weather. She blinked as her vision blurred so much she was no longer able to see a thing except the cold grey before her.
Ever so slowly she reached out and brushed her numb fingers over the ground where she knelt, brushing aside the dead leaves, vagrant twigs and pieces of rubbish that had collected there. She busied himself for a few moments with this, her mind finally relaxing and submitting to her will with the distraction. Finally it seemed she was pleased with what she'd done and she raised her face to stare at the cold, near blank stone in front of her. The stone that told her the date her world had ended, the day she had died. She hesitantly touched it with the tips of her fingers and immediately drew back as though burnt. A deep breath and she touched it again, this time placing her hand flat against it and sighing into the motion.
"Hey, Don," she choked.
Silence echoed around the cemetery as her only reply.
"I'm sorry I haven't come to see you recently, it's just..."
Jess' voice cracked and her head dropped to her chest. She couldn't lie, she could never lie to Don.
"I won't lie, what's the point? I have no excuse. I promised I'd never forget you, that I'd never move on...how can I sit here and hope that you'd be listening, that'd you'd be here with me when I broke that promise?"
Jess sniffed as she felt the mucus and snot dribbling from her nose toward her mouth. The back of the hand she didn't have placed on the gravestone was used to wipe across her face in an attempt to get rid of it.
"I just wanted to feel again, you know? To be happy again. But I'm not. How can I be? When you're gone and I'm still alone?"
Jess stopped as sobs wracked through her body and she hunched over, unable to cope with what she was feeling.
"I'm so alone. I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. I hate it. Every day is an effort. Just to get up in the morning and pretend to be happy and go to work and solve crimes that never should have happened. All I want to do is rest. If I can't have you back then I just want to rest. I want this pain to be over. This torture...I can't do it anymore..."
Once more sobs overtook her and she cried hard as the tears gushed from her face. Her breathing becoming laboured as she gasped the icy air into her lungs. She felt the frost stealing her breath, taking more air from her than it was giving and ultimately suffocating her. She'd been suffocating for so long.
"James is a good man, Don. I know you would approve. I know you'd be happy for me because if our roles were reversed I'd be happy for you. I wouldn't want you to wallow in misery for the rest of your life. So I tried, I really did. I thought at one point I really might love him, you know? That maybe I could be happy with that life, marriage, children, nice house, secure job, college, grandkids, old age."
Jess paused to take a deep breath and she finally raised her head back up.
"That is the life I wanted, the one I'd imagined, only there's one big difference. It's the life I wanted with you, not him. The one we'd talked about, that we'd planned, that we were gonna have. I can't lie to him anymore...or to myself, it's killing me...if that's even possible...I feel so dead already. I can't pretend that I want anything other than to just be with you again. To hear your laugh when Danny tells you something stupid, or watch how your forehead furrows into a confused sort of look when Hawkes tells you something scientific, or how you get that protective, big-brother type pose when guys hit on Sam, even after she married. I want to see you smile that smile – you know the one – the kinda happy, kinda sad one you did when Mac would commend you at work. I know why you did it, you'd be reminded of your Dad, how he never commended you until it was too late. So you'd feel so happy that Mac was pleased with you but upset when you wished it was your Dad that had said those words instead. I miss the way your eyes would light up when I'd come into the room, or you'd see me around the precinct. I always noticed, even though I pretended not to, to save you the embarrassment. There's so much I miss, that I wish I could see again, Don."
Jess sighed and then slowly fell to the side, finally resting on her ass, instead of her knees, and crossing her legs over in front of her.
"But most of all, I just miss you. Talking, or not. Just being in the same room, watching TV in silence but just knowing you were there. I used to think I'd feel you with me, that maybe you were watching me, guarding me until I could join you but then..."
Jess broke off as she was attacked with tears and sobs again.
"But then you came back, Don. I couldn't believe it...I thought you'd died...that you'd left me...but there you were...I saw you with my own eyes. I don't think I can describe that feeling I first felt when I saw you again. Four years of hell, Don...and you were alive. I wanted to throw up, to hug you, to explode, to drop dead with relief, to scream in happiness, to run over and just hold you close."
Jess was shaking now, exhaustion and emotion playing on her body.
"But it was all a lie. I thought I had you back, that you'd returned to me. That maybe I could be happy again. But it's not you. It can't be you. You're so different. That man...that man that came back...he's not you, I just can't accept that. He's changed. You could never be so callous, so uncaring...so unfeeling. No matter what they did to you, what they said to you I just know you'd never act that way. Not to our friends and not to me. We were so in love, so painfully in love before you were taken. We always had been since the day we first met, we both admitted it. We'd survived so much, got through everything that our shitty lives had thrown at us and still come out on the other side. And you never changed; you were always still that same beautiful, kind, brave, honest soul whom I'd fallen for in the first place. But whoever it is that came back...is not you. He looks like you, sounds like you, he even smells like you...but he isn't...he's not you. He's not Don Flack...not my Don."
Jess finally collapsed to the ground, her face hitting the muddy, cold grass as her hand slid from the stone.
"Come back to me, Don...please..." she wailed heart-brokenly. "I just want you to come back. It's so much worse now. To have you here, to see you...to see an imposter that so much resembles you but isn't you. I thought it was hard before, when you were gone and I didn't know what had happened...but that was nothing compared to this. I hate him, Don. I hate that man who's pretending to be you. I hate you, Don. I hate you now. And I can't live with that...I just can't. I want it all to stop...just to sleep...I can't...I just can't...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I know you'll forgive me...I can't..."
Jess shrieked in pain as emotion took hold of her and her frame violently shook from crying.
"Why is this happening, Don? What did I ever do to deserve this...and what did you ever do to deserve it? We were happy...we were...we were happy. Why did this happen to us? We were married, we were planning to have our first child...life was so good...I don't understand..."
A loud rumble overheard warned of the impending rainstorm as the first few drops of rain began to spatter against Jess' frozen body and the grey stone in front of her.
"I wish you'd never come back, Don. I wish that man wasn't here. I can see how this will end already. I'll kill him, Don. I know I will. I love you so much and hate him just as much. I can't live while he does...I just know that. So I know what I must do...and I'm not scared. Once I do it I'll either be with you or I'll just be able to sleep...finally rest. I want it...I long for it and have for four years, since the day you died. I don't wanna hurt you, Don, even if you've now become someone I despise so much. I have to do this. James will move on and find somebody better than me, someone who will truly love him and give him what he wants. There's no place for me in this life. My place was by your side and you died. That bastard, Gionetti, killed you that day four years ago when he ripped you from my life."
A flash of lightening streaked across the sky and shortly after a slow rumble once more filled the sky. The storm couldn't be far away and the rain fell more heavily now. Its icy drops freezing Jess to the ground.
"Maybe I could just stay here...I'd be gone by morning...I know it. I can feel you here, Don. I could always feel you. I know you're by my side...waiting. I want this, Don so don't try to stop me. I want to see you again, to be with you, to hold you. I'm so tired. I'll just stay here and rest."
Another crack of lightening and crash of thunder and the heavens opened to their fullest, the rain pounding down so heavily that the world started to become blurred and it was impossible to see further than four feet in front of you. Jess no longer felt her body, the cold had numbed it all. Instead she felt a floating sensation, lightheaded with exhaustion. No more tears would come to her and she was glad of that. She had no more fight in her, no more words, no more thoughts. She was empty. Empty.
"I'm coming, Don. I'm coming," she murmured.
She smiled as she felt a distant groping at her hand.
"I know that's you, Don," she said. "I always know you. I love you."
Her smile grew as she felt a tingling throughout her body and a warming sensation. So this was what dying was like. It wasn't painful, she'd barely even felt it, or noticed a change. She could hear Don's voice, a soft murmuring all around her.
"I'm coming, Don, I promise," she called again. "I can hear you, wait for me."
And suddenly she was flying. She'd left her body behind and she was flying through the air.
"I'm coming," she cried. "I'm coming for you, Don. I won't leave this time...I'll never leave you."
She didn't feel the cold anymore - it was all lost in the sensation of flying, of being in the air. Of being free again.
And then she was gone.