1 ½ Years After Ending of ACOWAR
I lay awake beneath the silken sheets, enveloped in the darkness. But tonight, it felt too dark, the bed was too big. I had gotten used to the enormous bed a while ago, but tonight, without Rhysand curled up in it with me…
Rhys was still off at the Day Court, as I had been as well a couple days ago, trying to work out the complications of the announcement of Lucien being Helion's son. I had left only two days ago, feeling a little unwell. Even now my stomach roiled, tossed, and turned, and it felt like there was a giant knot- oh. I surged out of bed, slipping in my bare feet until I reached the adjoining bathroom. I keeled over the toilet and hurled my guts up, the tang so bitter in my mouth that I impulsively gagged and threw up again, and again. When I was finished, exhausted, I lay down on the cool bathroom floor, the moonlight streaming down upon me, and contemplated.
The hurling my guts up was uncannily similar my old nightmares, the ones so awful that just thinking of them makes my stomach clench harder. But I'm not having any nightmares, thankfully. I stopped having them for good after Rhys and I- Oh that could be it, but… A thought popped into my head. Suddenly, everything was so clear. How could I have forgotten! Stupid, I said to myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And as I cursed my stupidity, something in my stomach… moved. I gasped, the sound loud in silence of the night. I put a hand on my slightly bloated stomach, and… it happened again. As if in confirmation.
The first thing I did was check my mental shields and state. I had gotten much better at not yelling random thoughts at Rhys down the bond, but with this, I wanted to be 100% sure before I told Rhys, because, well, after everything… I didn't want to get his hopes up. You see, after Rhys and I mated, in the chaos of everything, I forgot to take a contraceptive tonic. For months. And when I finally did start, I forgot to take it so many times, and we did it so often, that after our first half of a year, I began to think it was impossible. That Rhys and I simply couldn't have a child together. Eventually, I told him. He confessed that he, too, had been suspecting, and he seemed disappointed, but told me that it was okay, and he loved me, and it didn't matter. Although, when I asked him about heirs, he just shushed me by kissing me deeply, and only stopped to tell me we would figure it out later. I stopped taking the tonic, and I… forgot. In the chaos of organizing and building a new world, I completely forgot.
A soft knock, yet urgent, sounded at my door. Startled, I leaped up, and then swayed on my feet for a second, the room spinning. I clenched the door frame tightly and took one deep breath, then another. Before I could turn my attention back to the door, it opened and Cassian rushed in.
His face was tired, yet his eyebrows were drawn tight with concern, and his eyes were swimming with something that I couldn't place. What could have happened? Why was he here?
"Cassian?" I asked urgently. "What's going on?"
"I- I don't know." He stammered, running a hand through his hair windswept hair. He must have just flown here from the House of Wind. Something flickered on his face, and it seemed like he himself just realized that he was here and that it was the middle of the night.
"Why are you here?" I asked him. "Is everything okay?"
"I- I," he started, and it was the second time I had ever heard Cassian stammer. My heartbeat picked up a few notches. Cassian seemed to take in me in my thin nightgown, still clutching the doorway. He walked over to me. "Are you okay, Feyre?" He asked me. "What's going on?"
"What do you mean, what's going on?" I replied. "You showed up in my bedroom in the middle of the night! You need to answer that question!"
"But what were you doing? You obviously weren't sleeping, and you look like shit," Cassian said.
"Cassian, why the fuck are you here?" I demanded.
"I… felt something," Cassian said. "From you, I think. But it wasn't you… It was connected to you, your person, I mean." He ran a hand through his hair, looking down at the floor, probably misinterpreting the look of confusion on my face. "And, I have no idea what it was, but it seemed urgent, so I came. Sorry," he said. "But while I'm here, something is wrong, and so, if you want someone to talk to, I'll listen."
How could Cassian have sensed that I thought I was pregnant? Why him? Obviously the others didn't get the "urgent feeling." Only he did.
Cassian, since I hadn't responded, said, "Or… You can just tell me if you want me to go, too."
And so, for some reason, I decided that I was going to tell Cassian before Rhys. I don't know what exactly made me do it. Maybe it was because he was looking so distraught because of his "urgent feeling," or maybe it was because I wanted to confirm that I was pregnant before telling Rhys, and I had no idea how to do that, and I think I also just needed someone to talk to. I would have gone to Mor, but… Cassian was right here. Concerned, loving, sweet Cassian. So I told him.
"Cassian," I began. The words felt like they were stuck in my mouth, but I forced them out in a rush: "I think I'm pregnant." For a second, he just stared at me, and I wished I could take the words back. I shouldn't've told him, I shouldn't have. But then Cassian rushed to me, and scooped me up into a giant, heart-squeezing hug.