A\N: I know this fic is supposed to be a one-shot for the purposes of Sheppard's contest, but I think 15K words is too long for one chapter. I've decided to split the story into two chapters for easier reading. The second one should be out a few days after this first one. Hope you enjoy my first try at a humor fic.
"Can't believe you talked me into this Fox," Falco grumbled, as they stepped into the mucky elevator.
"It's this, or we're homeless at the end of the month."
Black grime covered almost every surface in the metallic compartment, giving it a burnt diesel-like smell. Fox wrinkled his nose as he stepped in after Falco, pushing the appropriate floor's button. With a lurch, the elevator descended downwards, the noise of the motor echoing through the cabin. One of the light bulbs in the ceiling flickered on and off. Unusual for them, both he and Falco wore button-down dress shirts, ties, and slacks. Fox never imagined they'd be doing this, but the two of them were on their way to a job interview of all things.
"I don't get this," Falco muttered behind Fox. "This place is called Assorted Sewer Solutions. As in they clean sewers. Why do they need pilots?"
Fox shrugged. "Guess we're about to find out." The employment agency mentioned this place needed pilots right away…for some reason.
Fox was ready to take just about any job at this point. After Star Wolf destroyed the Anglars a few years back, mercenary work in Lylat dried up. On top of that, Star Wolf used their new fame to get all the best remaining jobs, leaving Star Fox and the rest of the PMCs to fight for scraps. Eventually, Star Fox went bankrupt and Fox had to sell off everything. Surprisingly, Falco stuck with him, so they could share living expenses and save money. Right now they lived in a crappy studio apartment in Corneria City with no jobs. They missed paying rent the last two months. One more month and they'd be evicted.
Fox realized the elevator had been going down for two minutes now. How deep underground were they going? Also, the further down they went, the more a new stench began to fill the cabin. Pretty sure that's poo gas. Corneria City's entire stock of it.
The elevator reached bottom. As the doors grinded open, the smell intensified tenfold. Both Fox and Falco gagged, closing their eyes and clenching their nostrils. The stench washed over them like a wave, the air physically pushing them back. This even topped 'nasty truck stop bathroom on a hot summer's noon' bad here. Fox wanted leave right there, but then reminded himself: You need the money. You need the money. He repeated it in his head like a chant.
Holding his nose, Fox stepped out of the elevator into a reception area. Or rather, it looked like a sewer maintenance room converted into a reception area. Pipes and ducts ran across the concrete walls and ceiling. Half the fluorescent lights above didn't work. A front desk cut the room in half, with no one manning it right now. An old beige computer sat on the front desk, covered with fingerprints and stains. Its old CRT monitor displayed nothing but a black screen with green text. In the corner, a potted plant lay shriveled in its container, dead leaves covering the floor around it.
"I don't think we should be here…" Falco whispered, as he looked around the room. "Feels like we're walking into a horror movie."
Fox didn't get good vibes from this place either. It was so dirty it almost looked abandoned. What kind of people worked here? Did Fox want to meet any of them? The vulpine spotted a button on the front desk, with a sign next to it saying 'Push for assistance.'
"Here goes…" Fox pushed the button, a slight buzzing sound echoing in the room.
A speaker in the corner of the room crackled on. "Whaddaya want?! I'm busy here!"
The voice sounded nasally and unpleasant. Fox's ears curled backwards slightly at the sound of it.
"We're here about a job interview?" he reluctantly replied.
The voice's tone did a one eighty, now sounding friendly and warm. "Oh, you're Fox and Falco right? The Star Fox guys?"
"Yeah, that's us." Fox felt relieved at being recognized.
"I apologize for having no one up front. We're a bit…short-staffed today. Anyway…just walk behind the desk, and go into the hall. I'm the first door on the left.
Spotting a flap in the front desk, Fox lifted it up. They walked towards the dark concrete hall in the back as directed. The entire time, the sewer stench assaulted Fox's nostrils. How was he going to get used to breathing this for forty hours a week, assuming they got hired? Fox and Falco stopped at the first door on the left as indicated, 'Robert Stenchler – CEO' in gold lettering was written on it.
Fox put his hand on the knob. "You ready?" he whispered.
"As good as I ever will be," Falco didn't look confident, with his feet shifting as he adjusted his tie.
Fox sighed, as he pushed the door open. Like the reception room, the office looked like it used to be a maintenance room, with more concrete walls adorned with pipes and ducts. Various papers, files, and books lay stacked in a haphazard manner on almost every surface. A massive wooden desk dominated the back of the room, filled to the brim with more documents. Reams of stringy printer paper flowed out of a desktop calculator situated on the desk. Beyond that, Fox noticed a black and white facial portrait of a fat opossum dressed in a business suit. Stenchler's name shone on a brass plate on the frame. So that was their boss? Fox didn't see the man himself anywhere though.
"Hello? Mr. Stenchler?" Fox called out.
Stenchler's popped out from behind the papers on the desk, looking even worse than the photo. He wore a white shirt and tie, but Fox spotted yellow sweat stains in the armpits. Somehow, the vulpine felt like he'd seen Stenchler somewhere before. Like maybe he'd seen his picture in the newspaper, for some reason. Why did he seem so familiar?
Stenchler seemed pretty happy to see them in any case, beaming them a large smile. However, the opossum's sharp teeth gave the impression of a smiling crocodile. "Oh gentlemen! Gentlemen! So nice to see you! Please have a seat!" Stenchler waved towards two worn-out leather chairs in front of his desk, covered with numerous holes where the padding spilled out.
"Thank you." Fox forced a smile as he and Falco sat down.
"So… I'm real surprised you're here." Stenchler started moving papers away from the center of his desk to get a better look at the two of them.
"Yeah…I didn't expect this either." That was about as politely as Fox could put it.
After finishing his cleaning, Stenchler plopped back down, his chair squeaking under his weight. "I'm presuming you boys are wondering why I need pilots down here in the sewers, yes?"
Fox's eyebrows rose up.
"Actually yeah…" Fox and Falco said simultaneously. They glanced at each other, before sharing a chuckle.
"To make a long story short," Stenchler rubbed his palms together. "Corneria City may look squeaky clean and utopian up above us, but that comes at a price. We've got big problems down here."
"Like what?"
"Sewers attract vermin. Like spiders, scorpions… brain-eating fireflies and-"
"Whoa!" Falco held up a hand. "Did you just say brain-eating fireflies?"
"Oh no, just joking." Stenchler laughed, although he sounded nervous. Recovering, he continued. "But anyway, Corneria City flushes nasty chemicals and waste down here every day." The opossum picked up a pencil off his desk and started playing with it in his hands. "Before long…badda bing badda boom…we've got our own manmade ecosystem down here."
"So what does this have to do with flying?" Fox asked.
"Well, we're a pest exterminator company. We fly ships called Sewer Sharks through the sewers, and we use them to spray repellant."
"The sewers down here are big enough to fly in?" Fox's eyes widened.
"Oh yeah," Stenchler chuckled. "Corneria City's got fifty million people, so it's gotta have a sewer system big enough to…handle the population's needs, to put it politely. You wanna try covering all that on foot?"
"Uh…yeah, definitely no," Fox grimaced, imagining being knee deep in sewer muck carrying a spray bottle and wand on his back.
"We started with drones, but we could never get them to work right. They always broke down or had trouble with volume. That's why we need real pilots now. I think this job'll be a piece of cake for you two after saving Lylat over and over again." Stenchler chuckled. He pulled some paperwork out from behind the desk and shoved it towards them. "What do you think? We can get you flying today if you want to start making some money now."
Fox's eyes widened. He'd just give them jobs? Right now? Fox thought it sounded too good to be true…but then reminded himself they'd be cleaning sewers. Maybe Stenchler was eager because he had a hard time getting people to take these jobs. It did sound disgusting, but Fox kind of wanted to take the job just to see if everything Stenchler said was true. Plus he missed getting to fly ever since he'd sold off the Great Fox II and the Arwings. Yeah, he supposed these Sewer Sharks wouldn't be the same, but they did need the money something awful right now, so…
"All right," Fox smiled, accepting the papers and a pen. "I'll do it."
Stenchler laughed, drumming a hand on his desk. "That's the spirit! How about you, Falco?" The opossum turned to the avian.
Falco narrowed his eyes, stroking his chin. "I don't know… I'm not a real big fan of bugs, especially after the Aparoid Invasion days."
"Oh come on, the bugs down here are tiny compared to those things," Stenchler laughed.
"And besides Falco," Fox talked as he filled in the paperwork. "Rent's through the roof in Corneria City. We can't keep our apartment on just one salary. Take the job, would you?"
Falco grumbled, hating to be reminded of their money situation. Shaking his head, he caved in. "Okay…I'm in too." He held out a hand to the opossum.
"Excellent!" Stenchler smiled, as he passed Falco his own papers and pen. The bird's enthusiasm did not match the opossum's though. After they finished and turned over the paperwork, Stenchler stood up from his desk, extending a hand to each of them. "Congratulations boys! Welcome to the Assorted Sewer Solutions family!"
Fox and Falco accepted the handshakes. While Fox felt glad to have income again, he wondered what they were getting into here. He never even knew 'sewer cleaning pilot' was a job until just now.
"Come with me gentlemen!" Stenchler raised a finger as he walked around his desk. Then he stopped, eyes widening. "Oh! I almost forgot something." He walked back behind the desk and reached down, withdrawing a silver briefcase. Fox gave it a curious look. That felt a little familiar too, for some reason.
The three of them marched down another concrete corridor, and then they descended a set of metallic stairs, their shoes clanking on the floor as they descended. The smell somehow got worse as they went further down. Fox couldn't believe that was possible. Will I ever get used to this smell? What if this stink gets permanently stuck on me from working here too long?
Stenchler laughed when he saw Fox and Falco wrinkling their noses. "Eh…you'll get used to the smell."
"How long did that take you?" Falco asked.
"Ten years."
"Ten freakin' years?!" Falco gasped.
"Oh, I'm just messing with you," Stenchler joked. "You need a sense of humor down here, or you'll go crazy. Anyway, we're about to meet your new coworkers…"
A sign marked 'Flight Personnel Only' hung above the end of the hall, a sliding metallic door beneath it. When Fox saw the sign, he wondered what kind of pilots they'd be working with. Would they be ex-airline pilots? Ex-cropdusters? Retired military personnel?
The door slid open as they approached. Someone walked into the frame who Fox never expected. The vulpine thought he was seeing double when Falco walked into the frame…but then he noticed boobs. The resemblance looked almost the same otherwise, since her blue and red feathers looked just like Falco's. Although he did notice the red feathers had a slightly pinker tint. She wore a grimy gray flight suit. Her feathers looked completely askew and grimy too, as she wiped a hand across her head to try to get them cleaner.
"Oh, Falco! Good timing!" Stenchler called out. "Got some new pilots here!"
"Uh…I'm over here…" Falco raised a hand, standing behind Stenchler.
Stenchler laughed, looking back over at Falco. "Oh, I'm definitely talking to her. She is Falco."
'Falco' looked over to Fox and Falco, both birds looking shocked at seeing each other. Everyone went quiet.
Fox decided to break the silence first. "Gosh… You could almost be Falco's twin sister."
"That's because I basically am…" 'Falco' said to Fox, before turning back to the other avian. "Falco, what are you doing here?"
Falco started to mumble something, but then Fox cut him off. "Wait…hold on Falco. You've got a sister?"
Falco sighed. "Actually…yeah. I do. I just never told any of you."
Fox's jaw dropped. "What?! Why not?"
"Oh, I don't know." Falco rolled his eyes. "Why didn't Peppy tell anyone he had a daughter and wife until after he became a Cornerian general?"
Fox blinked. Why did no one call out Peppy on hiding that for so long? Then Fox remembered something else from around the same time. "Yeah…and then Slippy started dating."
"And Katt quit dying her fur pink," Falco shook his head.
Fox stroked his chin, remembering something else. "And Panther started referring to himself in the third person."
"And your friend Bill dropped his surfer dude accent and got a country one."
"Yeah…" Fox shook his head. "That time around when the Anglars attacked us was really weird. You know what? I can't even remember anything the Anglars did." Fox laughed, rubbing the back of his head. "I hate to admit it, but I was too busy chasing after Krystal to really care. Those Anglars were pretty lame anyway."
"It's almost like someone screwed around with our brains…messed with our personalities and stuff. I think everything's fine now though. Katt went back to pink at least."
"Hey…you two done reminiscing?" 'Falco' said off to the side. She'd crossed her arms, glaring at the both of them.
"I guess…" Fox glanced between both Falco and…Falco. "You know, this is gonna get real confusing real fast if you both have the same name…"
"Eh…" 'Falco' waved a feathered hand. "Falco's just my callsign. My real name is Kari. Just use that."
"We have callsigns down here?" Fox cocked his head. "We're exterminators right? Just seems weird to have callsigns like we're in the military."
"That's just the way Ghost likes to do things around here." Kari shrugged.
"Who's Ghost?"
"Ah…" Stenchler interrupted, answering for Kari. "He's the veteran pilot around here. Organizes all the squadrons and stuff. He's going to be your direct supervisor. Falco, think you can take them there?"
Both birds turned to look at Stenchler.
"Yeah…" Stenchler laughed. "I think using 'Kari' is a good idea. Anyway, take Fox and Falco downstairs and get them suited up."
"Sure." Kari chuckled, looking over at Falco. "Guess me and baby brother can get caught up in the meantime."
Falco glared at her for that last remark. "You only hatched four minutes before I did!"
"That still makes me the elder."
"Anyway, good luck you two," The opossum nodded towards Fox and Falco before walking off, holding that silver briefcase in one hand.
Fox gave the briefcase another look. He could have sworn he'd seen that case somewhere before.
Kari didn't give him time to look though, as she gestured towards a nearby doorway. "This way."
They walked down another concrete corridor, before getting into yet another lift and descending even more. The further down they went, the more Fox wondered if he'd ever be able to even find his way out of this place if he didn't have a guide. All of these passageways just blurred together in his head.
"I take it Star Fox isn't doing that good, since you two are here." She gave a mocking grin to the two of them.
That one hurt. Fox's pointed ears folded over when she mentioned that. "Star Fox isn't around anymore."
Kari blinked, eyes widening. "Oh! I didn't realize it was that bad. I'm sorry. I thought you were just doing this for extra cash or something."
"No way sis," Falco said. "If there were any other way, neither of us would be here."
"So... For real this time Falco," Fox turned to the avian. "How come you never mentioned Kari?"
"He's just ashamed I decided to become a CDF pilot instead of a mercenary like him." Kari answered for him, adding a teasing laugh. "Falco thinks it's a little embarrassing his older sis didn't become an outlaw like—"
"Siiiis…" Falco rolled his eyes. "I'm a big boy now. I can speak for myself."
"So the CDF…" Fox repeated. "So how'd you get here?"
"Downsizing in the CDF I'm afraid. But the work here's all right. You'll probably get some good hazard pay before long."
After arriving at another floor, they passed under a flashing red sign that said "NO ENTRY" but Kari paid it no mind. The next room looked like a mechanic shop slash garage of some sort. Tool cabinets lined the walls, along with bigger machines like jacks and drills. But as always, everything looked to be covered in grunge. Someone in the back of the shop welded something together, the light coming off the blow torch. Fox walked over to look, but then someone grabbed Fox's shoulders from behind, whirling him around.
"Surprise!" Sharp canine jaws snapped directly in Fox's face.
Fox was so taken off guard he stumbled backwards, falling flat on his ass as he tripped over a bucket on the floor. Meanwhile, laughter echoed in his ears, both from the newcomer and Kari. After gathering himself up, Fox looked up at who startled him. A black Alsatian canine stood there laughing like crazy, wearing the same kind of dirty flight suit that Kari wore.
"Boo!" the dog waved his hands in front of his face, going for a mock scary look. "I'm Ghost… Scared you, didn't I?"
Fox wanted to get up and sock Ghost in the jaw for such a childish prank, but kept his temper in check since this guy was his new boss. Fox dusted himself off and climbed up off the floor, his nice shirt, tie, and slacks now covered with soot.
Ghost still wasn't done with his mocking. "You two came down here dressed like that, really?" He pointed at their business attire.
"Hey," Fox's tail harshly waved behind him. "We didn't know we were gonna get to fly today. Stenchler just brought us down here. But if you need us to fly, we can fly. We used to be Star Fox."
"Ooooh, your highnesses," Ghost put one arm over his torso and bowed in a mocking show of respect. "So wonderful to meet you! I should go get my autograph book!"
Fox narrowed his eyes, still doing his best to hold his temper. You need the money, he reminded himself again. You need the money. You need the money.
"So…" Ghost rubbed his hands together, stirring up a little black soot in between them. "You two need callsigns, eh? I can come up with something…"
Fox got the feeling he wouldn't like Ghost's callsigns.
"All right…" the dog pointed at Fox. "You…will be Feather Duster. On account of that big fluffy tail following you everywhere."
Fox's ears flattened backwards, as he narrowed his eyes. "Why can't you just call me Fox?"
"Because I said so Feather Duster, that's why!" Ghost yelled in Fox's face again, like a drill sergeant.
And then a hardcore metal guitar riff echoed through the garage. While Fox was freaked out at Ghost getting up in his face like that, he couldn't help but look around for where that guitar riff came from.
"Are you for real?" Falco spoke up. "What kind of a callsign is that?"
"Don't speak out of turn, feather brains!" Ghost turned to Falco, pointing a finger at him. Then he blinked, a devilish grin on his face. "Ah…now I know what your callsign will be. Henceforth, you sir will be known as…Feather Brains!" Another guitar riff blasted through the garage.
Fox looked around again, trying to find the origin of the noise.
Ghost didn't notice the music. "Feather Duster and Feather Brains even match! And Falco gets to keep her callsign too!"
"But Falco is my name!" Falco pleaded. "Give it back!"
"You want it back?" Ghost grinned, enjoying the misery he was inflicting on Falco. "You gotta earn it!" Another guitar riff.
"Gosh, and you wonder why we have such high turnover," Kari sighed, interrupting Ghost. "Aren't you tired of having to train new pilots over and over again?"
"Not at all," Ghost laughed, before turning back to Fox and Falco with a grin. "Brightens my day every time I do this. Now…Feathers…as for your first day… Feather Duster, you're paired up with me. Feather Brains, you get paired up with Falco."
Oh joy… I get the angry one who yells in my face about five times a second. And Falco is going to fly with Falco. This is going to be an interesting first day…
"Come on, Falco," Kari herded Falco away to another part of the garage. "Our ship's over here."
Fox gulped. He was alone with the drill instructor wannabe now. Nonetheless, he was ready to get to work, so he turned over to Ghost. "So… Stenchler said we fly Sewer Sharks to do this job. You got one around here?"
Ghost chuckled, walking to one corner in the garage towards a large object covered with a sheet. He ripped the sheet off, exposing…something. It kind of looked like a gunship. Actually no, it looked more like someone ripped a ton of things off of various pieces of construction equipment, mashed them all together, stuck a jet engine on it, spraypainted it all a dingy dark gray, and then called it a day. Kind of like something from an 80s sci-fi action flick.
"This here's the Hole Hawg!" Ghost pointed at the machine.
Fox had to stifle a laugh at the name. However, then he noticed something on the front of the ship.
"Is that a minigun?" Fox asked, pointing it out. "Why's tha—"
"I took her apart and I put her back together again!" Ghost spoke in a bragging tone, as if this were some sort of beautiful hand-crafted supercar he built himself. "Now…I've got some special stuff in here. It's not all strictly legal…" Ghost gave Fox a very weird-looking, almost flirty grin on those words.
Fox didn't know what to make of that, but persisted with his question. "Like the minigu-?"
"But anyway…it all just might keep you off the wall!" Ghost cut off Fox again, as another guitar riff blared out.
"Off the wall?"
"We're flying through the sewers, spud-brain!" He shouted into Fox's face again, to where the vulpine could only see teeth. Backing off, he continued. "Why do you think we go through so many pilots? We've got one out there who crashed this morning…and got people out there blotting him out with handy wipes!" Guitar riff.
Fox turned around, finally spotting where the guitar riffs came from. A little penguin guy sat in the corner on top of a tool chest, eyes closed as he tuned his electric guitar and every so often belted out a loud riff. Catching Fox's eye, he looked at Fox like a deer in the headlights, before bowing as if to apologize. The penguin slipped the guitar into a case and walked off. Fox had no words.
He turned back to Ghost as if expecting the dog to explain it, but Ghost didn't seem to notice the penguin, continuing on with his spiel. "All right…climb aboard Feather Duster!"
Ghost shoved a helmet into Fox's hands, putting on one himself. Meanwhile the Hole Hawg's cockpit popped open, exposing two seats. The black dog climbed into the rear, letting Fox take the pilot's seat.
Fox looked flabbergasted at Ghost. "You want me to fly? On my first day? I've never even seen one of these things before."
Ghost didn't look up from his controls in the backseat, as he began to punch in commands. "I find that trial by fire is the best way to separate the pilots from the Milksop Millies! Now get in here already!"
Fox raised his eyebrow. What the hell is a Milksop Millie?
"You sure this is OK? I mean…you didn't even give me a flight suit. I'm still in this shirt and tie. And what's the minigun f—"
"I said get in, you baby!" Ghost yelled at Fox again. "Or I'll change your callsign to Feather Butt!"
Fox winced, his ears turning backwards again. What a combination. Yells like a drill instructor, has the insults of a five-year-old.
Not knowing what else to do, Fox decided to just listen to Ghost and climb in. It smelled horrible in there, like sweat, but Fox distracted himself by examining the controls. And for the first time since getting hired, Fox caught a break. It looked like Ghost's cockpit controls were cannibalized from a Cornerian fighter's. Fox trained on them back at the Flight Academy. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad… Still though, it felt weird sitting here in a shirt, slacks, and a tie. And his clothes got dirtier and sweatier by the minute in here too. Fox felt like he was burning up, and the hatch hadn't even shut yet.
"Okay… Monitors are…on." Ghost's image appeared on the monitor in front of Fox. "Now you can look at my gorgeous face all day long up there!" Ghost gave a mocking wink, flashing his sharp teeth.
Fox just rolled his eyes at that. A large metal door opened up in front of them, giving Fox his first look at the sewers proper. It also gave Fox his first smell of the sewers proper. Unbelievably, the poo smell got even worse compared to before. Like by twenty times as much.
"Gaaaaah….!" Fox stabbed at the cockpit's close button, letting the glass canopy enclose around them. But that only cancelled out part of the stench in exchange for the cockpit's sweat stench…along with stifling heat.
"Mmmm….." Ghost took a big whiff. "Love that smell. Reminds me of biscuits and gravy!"
Fox's eyes widened. He said that like he was getting off on it or something.
"Go on…take a deep breath," Ghost chuckled, slapping him on the shoulder from behind. "Don't you love the smell of the sewers in the morning?" The dog took another deep whiff.
"Uh…no! I kind of like the smell of poo as far away from me as possible!"
"Well, didn't you pick the perfect job then?" Ghost laughed.
Am I really going to come down here and do all of this? Every day? Fox felt like weeping at the thought.
"All right…let's git 'er goin'…" Ghost tapped some more commands into the console behind Fox. The jet engine started to spool up. Lights on the front of the ship ignited. "We are go for launch."
Fox looked at the pitch black tunnel in front of him, almost feeling like a bullet about to be shot out of a gun. The jet engine rose in tempo, the ship vibrating more as it powered up. While an experienced pilot, Fox found himself trembling at all the sensations. He was about to fly off into the pitch black underground, while piloting a ship he'd literally never seen before, with the most unhelpful co-pilot in history.
"Ignition on three…" Ghost looked up at Fox on the video monitor, a glint in his eye.
Fox braced himself, praying for the best.
"Ready? Three!"
Fox got pressed hard into his seat while they rocketed out of the garage, accelerating to over a hundred miles per hour in an instant. Fox wanted to yell out 'you dick!' but he was too busy wrangling with the flight stick from the surprise launch. The black dog let out a country boy yell as they shot off into the darkness. The Hole Hawg's lights didn't give Fox much time to react to anything in front of him. It just looked like one big black hole down here. Out of the darkness, a wall of pipes flew up on the left, blocking half of the tunnel off. Fox swung the stick to the right, only to overcorrect and nearly graze across the right wall. He could almost feel the tip of the starboard wing being clipped off by the concrete. At least the tunnel looked clear now…for the moment. Fox breathed a sigh of relief.
"Oh, oops, I forgot to turn on the tunnel lights." Ghost laughed, punching some buttons.
"You…forgot?" Fox gasped.
"Oh come on, we're fine, aren't we?" Ghost grinned.
A series of fluorescent lights lining the tunnel lit up, making it a whole lot easier to see. It looked like all the concrete tunnels were tube-shaped, lined with various ducts, pipes, and electrical conduits. Putting his eyes forward, Fox spotted another wall of pipes ahead, once again blocking off half of the tunnel on the left. At least this time Fox had plenty of time to avoid it. He pushed the stick to the right…and the Hole Hawg kept flying straight. In fact, the ship started drifting to the left.
"Uh…Ghost." Fox kept pushing the stick to the right. "Problem!"
"What?" Ghost was looking down at his monitor, not looking ahead.
"My stick…it's not responding!"
"Oh, really?" Ghost looked up, speaking as though they were discussing the weather. "That is a problem." Ghost pulled a manual into the video monitor's view and started to spool through it. "Lemme see here…"
Meanwhile the wall of pipes kept getting closer and closer. Fox continued to hammer the stick to the right, even though it did nothing. They would hit the pipes in three seconds. "Ghooooooooost!" Fox screamed.
"Ah, got it now." Ghost grinned.
The Hole Hawg drifted to the right, just narrowly avoiding another collision. Fox felt his life flash before his eyes as they just missed death there. He breathed hard, grateful to be alive now.
Meanwhile, Ghost cackled behind Fox. "You see, the problem is your stick is disconnected."
Fox stared back at Ghost on his monitor, dumbfounded. The vulpine hammered the flight stick back and forth. Nothing happened. Ghost was right.
"I forgot to mention something," Ghost grinned with barely-contained laughter. "I can fly the ship from back here. Here, I'll give you control now." The dog pushed some buttons.
He'd played Fox like a fiddle yet again. Fox wanted to hurl all sorts of abuse at Ghost for the prank, but figured that'd just make Ghost even smugger than he already was.
"Hey….just relax," he gave a friendly pat on Fox's shoulder. "Pretend this is all just a game. Maybe it'll even be fun!" Ghost spoke in a soft voice, a smile on his face. In the space of a millisecond, the grin vanished, Ghost returning to drill instructor mode. "Shoot the tubes, Feather Duster!"
Fox grit his teeth, having to yank the earpiece in the helmet away from his ear, with how loud Ghost shouted. It even distorted the audio and made the sound crackle for a moment, making the sound even more earsplitting. Why does he have to yell like that all the time?!
"Now…let's get down to some bug spraying!" Ghost laughed.
Oh yeah. Fox was so upset at Ghost he'd almost forgotten the reason they were down here in the first place. Maybe doing this would help calm him down. Wouldn't do much good to get mad at Ghost out here.
"All right…" Fox grit his teeth. "So that minigun…is that what Stenchler meant he said I'd be 'spraying repellant'?"
"Yeah pretty much. And it's a real minigun," Ghost said, with a grin. "I'm not joking this time."
"Really?" Fox's eyes widened. Having a minigun sounded awesome, but that raised another question. "So why do we need a minigun?"
"Oh, just look right in front of you."
Fox blinked, glancing ahead. He saw what looked like a series of orange lights, clustered on all sides of the tunnel. But as they got closer, they turned out to be massive spiders glowing bright orange. Fox gagged at the sight of them. They looked as big across as he was tall, and their spider webs covered everything in the tunnel.
"Light 'em up, Feather Duster!"
Fox didn't need to be told twice. He squeezed the trigger on the flight stick. The minigun spooled up for a second, before unleashing a buzzsaw roar as hundreds of rounds pounded into the targets and everything else. As the bullets struck the spiders, they popped like water balloons, splashing orange goo everywhere. Some of it splattered over the front of the canopy, sticking there like glowing molasses. Fox shivered at the sight. Just what sort of chemicals could cause spiders to get huge and glow like that? Fox prayed he never crashed down here and ended up having to hike out of the sewers on foot.
Fox laid down more fire on a second group of spiders, but then he accidentally shot a juncture box they'd all been clustered around. Sparks spit out of the ruined electrical box, switching off most of the lights in this part of the tunnel.
"Uh…Ghost? Was that okay?"
"Yeah, of course it was! You nailed those chumps!"
"But what about the lights?" Fox pointed at the darkened lamps.
"Don't worry about it! City's got a separate department for cleaning up all the destruction we cause."
"Really? The mutant bug problem down here's that bad?"
"Oh yeah you bet! Just fire at will!"
They flew on through the tunnels, Fox ventilating every mutant he came across. While initially disgusted, Fox found this to be oddly satisfying too, kind of like the feeling you get after swatting a fly that had been buzzing around your head for the past half hour. Using a minigun to do it made it all the more fun. Maybe Ghost was right about pretending it was all a game. And Fox turned out to be right about the Sewer Sharks not being so hard to fly after having experience with the Cornerian fighter controls. He got used to piloting it in no time at all.
However, Fox couldn't help but wonder how many tax dollars this whole operation sucked up. Corneria City paid a company to fly fighters underground and shoot up all the mutants, and then paid a whole other company to fix up the damage caused by the first company. No wonder Corneria City got so expensive to live in over the past few years. The answer to his money woes laid right under his feet the whole time, literally. At least now he'd be earning some of that money back.
They flew for a few more hours, before Ghost signaled for Fox to head back to the garage for the lunch break. After pulling back in, Fox jumped out of the Hole Hawg, his business clothes pretty much ruined by all the dirt and sweat he picked up today. Fox slipped the helmet off, shaking his head to get rid of the sweat in his hair.
"So, Feather Duster, what do you think of your first time in a Sewer Shark?" Ghost asked, climbing out after him.
"It's…okay I guess," Fox conceded. Too bad you're as intolerable as all hell.
"Aww, is that it?" Ghost took his helmet off, keeping his stupid grin on. "I figured you'd have more to say than that!"
"Well, nobody really paid me to talk when I led Star Fox." Fox shrugged. Truth was, Fox kept his responses brief because he just wanted to get away from Ghost now. This guy was driving him insane. Fox had no clue how he was going to put up with Ghost forty hours a week like this.
Mercifully, Ghost decided to end the conversation there. "All right, Feather Duster. 1300 sharp. Meet me back here again. Don't be late! Dismissed!"
And with that, Ghost saluted, turned and walked away, Fox letting out a sigh of relief as he did so. Fox hated drill instructors back in his academy days and Ghost had their mannerisms down to a T.
"Hey Fox!" a familiar voice called out.
Fox turned around, spotting Falco walking over to him along with Kari coming up behind. Falco wore an old, faded jumpsuit like her. The vulpine smiled, glad to see a familiar face.
Since Fox wanted to forget about Ghost as quickly as possible, he decided to let Falco talk first. "How was your morning?"
"Better than I'd hoped," Falco smiled, looking at Kari. "Sis and I have been catching up. Minigun's pretty fun, isn't it?"
"I guess so," Fox smiled.
"Ghost givin' you a hard time, I guess?" Kari smirked, looking Fox up and down. "You look like a wreck in those clothes."
Fox sighed, looking at his business dress. "Yeah…it was pretty rough."
"He pulled the prank on disconnecting your flight stick too, didn't he?" Kari chuckled.
Fox looked up, eyes widened. "How'd you know?"
Kari rolled her eyes. "He does it to all the rookies who come through here. His way of saying 'hello', basically."
"Hell of a way to say hello!" Falco shook his head, crossing his arms.
"I thought I was gonna die…" Fox sighed, this morning's events already making him feel weary.
"I don't like him doing it either," Kari looked off into the distance. "He's scared away a lot of good pilots…"
Fox felt glad to hear that he hadn't suffered alone with Ghost at least. "I guess you know about him flying the ship from the backseat too?"
Kari laughed, even turning her head back as she did so. "That's Ghost all right. Loves to show off. We flew together in the CDF before we ended up here. That's also where he picked up his habit of hazing. He loved doing it back then, and he loves doing it now." She gave a warm smile to Fox. "But hey…Ghost respects talent. If you just give him your best flying, he'll respect you before long, like he does me."
That made Fox feel a little better, but the talk of Ghost's past got him curious. "How come Ghost is here now, anyway?"
"One hazing prank went a little too far." Kari took on a more somber tone. "Ghost…uh…strapped a rookie to the outside of his fighter and did loop-de-loops and stunts with it. He almost killed that poor guy."
"Goodness..." Fox's eyes widened. "That sounds awful!"
"Yeah, I know." Kari looked a little angry to be discussing this. "After that, the brass decided he was too wild to keep around. So he ended up here, and as you can see he hasn't fully learned from that experience. But he helped me get my job here after the CDF let me go, so at least there's that." She ran a hand through her head feathers. "Anyway you two better hurry up and go on break. Day's only half over. Go get some food and relax for a while. I'll see you later."