Story inspired by the new Taylor Swift song, New Year's Day. Author's Note at the end.
Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere.
Blair's glitter Jimmy Choo's clack against the marble floor as she makes her way over to the bar. The sounds of chatter, laughter, and cheering filling the room as she pours the gin into her glass. Once the tonic has been mixed in, she lifts the glass to her lips, where she stands. In that moment, a specific sound filters through the heavy noise. It's coming from right behind her but it's all too familiar. Her hand stays suspended in midair as she listens to the laugh she hasn't hear in 4 years.
The next words she hears confirm her worst fear, "Dan, I'm just so glad you could make it."
The confirmation breaks her from her momentarily paralyzation. She scans left and right for an exit route. The kitchen. She will have to go left and pray he doesn't see the side of her face but it's the only way out. She quietly sets down the glass and sets off confidently towards the kitchen, like she's not running from a ghost.
"Oh, that was her, Blair!" She hears called from behind her. Fuck. Just keep walking.
She makes it all the way to the front door, swings open the door and slams it behind her. She lets out a huge breath as she leans against the wall. Breathless as her heart thuds in her chest.
Thirty seconds last before she's regained herself. I made it, she thinks to herself and steels herself to get far far away from this building. As she takes one last calming breath before leaving for good, the front door opens. She doesn't even have to look to know who it is.
"Blair," he says tentatively.
"No." She says, shaking her head. She starts to leave but then he speaks again.
"No? You're not Blair Waldorf?" He says incredulously with a trace of humor.
"That's not what I meant." She finally turns to look at him, regretting it the moment she does. His gaze is searing into hers and she fears he can read her thoughts. "I'm too sober for this."
"Nice to see you too, Blair." He says sarcastically.
"I'm leaving unless you leave." Blair retorts.
"Unless I leave? Why should I have to leave?" He asks, defensively.
"Because I was having a great time before you showed up." She glares.
"I'm not leaving. And it's a bit ridiculous for you to leave too. I think we're mature enough to be at the same party for what?" He glances at his watch, "An hour?"
"I'll make a deal with you. One drink and then you leave." Blair holds her gaze steady.
"I leave?" Dan echoes with an undertone.
Blair nods. "Otherwise I make a scene and get you kicked out." The idea pops into her head and she mentally starts scheming ways in which she could make this happen.
Dan seems about to protest but then sighs instead and says, "Fine, as you wish." He opens the door for her to reenter the party and as she passes, she feels a flutter at being so close to him once more. Even if just for a fleeting moment.
Back inside, he follows her to the bar. She turns her head to glare at him as they over to it but he doesn't take the hint to go away.
As she fills her glass with nearly 3 shots, Dan eyes her. She gives him a cutting look and a sharp, "What?"
"I guess you really take your drink stiffly these days." He eyes the glass.
"I need it." She says, seriously. She adds a splash of tonic and then squeezes in a lime. As he pours his own drink, she downs hers and reaches to refill it. This time with much less alcohol. She needs to maintain her composure after all.
Once his drink is full he turns to her, "Can we talk?"
"Isn't that what we were just doing?" She says, already feeling the buzz of the alcohol.
"Alone," He glances at the full room of people and she watches as his eyes move toward the balcony. "On the balcony?"
"It's freezing," She replies automatically, shaking her head.
"You still have your coat on." He gestures toward her pale pink, pearl button coat.
"Why would I willingly go somewhere alone with you when you struggled to get me agree to join you at a party full of people?" She states the obvious.
Before he can answer, the hosts, Anna and Wesley hurry over excitedly. "You two met before I could even introduce you!" Anna exclaims.
"Actually we already knew each other." Dan puts in after a brief pause.
Anna and Wesley exchange a confused look. "Oh, you do?" She says, a little disappointedly.
"Yes," Blair agrees. "You could say, our paths have crossed before."
"Well, nevermind then. I didn't mean to interrupt, I'll let you two get back to it." Anna says with a wide smile, confusing Blair further.
"Get back to what?" Blair says under her breath as they walk away. "That was weird." She takes another sip.
"Was it?" Dan says, oblivious.
Blair shakes her head at his cluelessness and begins to walk off.
"Blair," He calls after her, causing her to stop.
"What now, Humphrey?" She says with narrowed eyes.
"Balcony."
She groans, "Fine."
The balcony which has a sweeping view of the city all lit up, is empty due to the cold. Blair stands near the railing and looks out, drink still in her hand. She eyes Dan's only half full, he's clearly taking his time with it because he knows the second he finishes it she will point out that he has to leave.
"So… What did you want to talk about?" Blair says, feeling uneasy now that they're alone. She keeps her eyes ahead, on the city lights, unable to meet his.
"I don't know, it's been a while. I just thought we could… Catch up." It takes him a while to get out and she furrows her brow. All that just to 'catch up.'
"Okay," Blair hesitantly agrees. Mostly because she's cold and wants to get this over with.
"Okay." Dan echoes. "So, I would ask where you work but obviously you work at Vanity Fair since that's where Anna works."
Blair nods. "Yep."
"What's your position?"
"I'm an editor. I mostly manage the teams covering fashion-related features; runway coverage, editorials, and shopping guides." Blair says, glancing at him. "I would ask you but I have had the misfortune of seeing your books in the airport shops a few times."
Dan seemed to be expecting her jab because he barely flinches, "Yeah. That's how I know Wes. He works at my publisher's." Dan sips his drink which is now only ¼ full Blair notices with relief.
"Do you still live in Brooklyn?" She asks him. She tries not to wrinkle her nose simultaneously.
Dan shakes his head. "No, I live in Chelsea. Brooklyn was too far from the publishing house. You still on the Upper East Side?"
Blair nods, "Yes but in a different apartment now." She says vaguely.
"You're not with Chuck anymore?" Dan asks, rather suddenly catching her off guard.
"No," She says maintaining eye contact. She gives a small laugh, "Not at all. That ended ages ago and was short-lived."
"That's what I heard. But I didn't know for sure, you two always did seem to find your way back to each other no matter the circumstances."
She flinches at his reference. What happened to small talk? This was starting to veer toward treacherous territory. "No, it ended for good."
There's silence and Blair shifts back and forth. Feeling incredibly self-conscious and vulnerable, the night was getting away from her. She glances again at his drink, it's empty. "Looks like you finished your drink."
Dan looks down and she thinks she sees regret on his face but then it's gone as he looks up. "I guess I did," He says passively.
"Well, I am going to head back in." Blair says, starting the door and not waiting for him. Her hands are slightly shaky as she slides it open and she hopes he doesn't notice.
"There you are!" Anna says, spotting her. "I was wondering where you went. It's almost midnight."
Blair looks at the clock on the wall to confirm and she sees Anna is right. Only 30 more minutes. "I just went outside to get some air." Blair lies, hoping Anna didn't see Dan follow her in. The last thing she wants is Anna thinking they're friends and start inviting them to all the same functions.
To Blair's dismay, Anna waves over Dan as Wesley joins them. Then, for the next 15 minutes starts telling work anecdotes starring Blair with her usual delightful tone. Much to Blair's relief, she spots their friend and coworker, Edie, a petite blonde who is notorious not being able to hold her liquor. Blair seizes the opportunity and tries to break away from the group.
"Oh look," She says airily, "It's Edie. I better go say hi."
To her dismay, Anna waves Edie over and Edie is stumbling towards them before Blair can get away.
"Edie, darling." Anna kisses Edie's cheeks then Blair does the same. "Enjoying yourself?" Anna and Blair exchange a knowing look.
"Totally," Edie nods enthusiastically. Then she seems to notice Dan. "Hi, I'm Edie." She proffers her hand.
"Dan," Dan shakes her hand.
"Dan…" Edie echoes.
"Dan Humphrey, Edie. He's a writer that Wes publishes."
"That name sounds SO familiar." Edie slurs and seems to think hard.
Oh no, oh no, oh no. Blair suddenly remembers something and her eyes widen. She has to get them away from each other.
"It's almost midnight. I better get more champagne." Blair gestures to Edie's empty glass which is precariously dangling from her fingers. "Looks like you need a refill too, join me in the kitchen. Let's get the champagne out of the fridge."
"I'll join you." Dan says and follows them.
Fuck.
"Dan Humphrey…" Edie is still saying.
Blair thinks quickly as they cross the expansive apartment to reach the kitchen. "Edie, did you see Dorian? He was asking about you." It's a blatant lie but Edie has been in love with him forever so whatever. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
"Really?" She perks up.
Blair nods, "You should go talk to him. You don't want to miss your window of opportunity and let him get away-"
"Get away! Oh my god I got it." Edie stops, just before they've reached the kitchen and whirls around to face Dan. Very slowly she says, "You're DAN. DAN! The one that got away."
Dan looks utterly bewildered as Blair is paralyzed with horror. She thinks quickly, "Edie, you aren't making sense." She laughs as though it's hilarious. "Let's get you water instead of champagne." She pushes her toward the kitchen but Edie won't budge despite her small frame.
"No, you know what I mean. It's HIM. Dan, the love of your life. The one that got away. You said it yourself. Why again? You like said you didn't deserve him so you chose your asshole ex-boyfriend instead. Oh my god, you guys are back together? How did this happen? Why didn't you tell me?" She keeps babbling on but Blair can no longer hear. All dignity has been lost. She will never forgive this bumbling idiot, she thinks furiously. She can't even look at Dan to judge his reaction.
All she can do is weakly muttered, "Excuse me," As she pushes through the double doors to the kitchen.
On autopilot, she reaches for the bottle of champagne and pours a full glass. Downing it in an instant and repeating the process. Maybe she will get so drunk she will black the whole humiliating event. No, she should Dan so drunk that he blacks it out. Although she has a feeling it's too late for that. Thankfully neither of them followed her into the kitchen. Maybe Dan was so horrified that he left. That might not be such a bad thing. Better than facing him again, she thinks to herself.
But just as she begins to breathe a sigh of relief at the thought that he's finally gone he walks into the kitchen. She wishes she could smoothly tell a cover up story but the truth is there is no way to spin what Edie said.
Blair turns away, unable to face him. She starts the for the doors the exit opposite him.
"Is that true?" He asks before she's reached the doors.
You're a good liar, Blair. The best, she tells herself. She gives a cynical laugh. "Of course, not Humphrey." She rolls her eyes. "In case you hadn't noticed Edie is wasted."
"So how did she know who I was?" Dan asks.
"Fuck if I know." Blair says defensively. "I mean she is my friend so you probably came up like once."
"The other stuff she said though… That was all made up out of thin air?" Dan questions further, eyes not leaving her.
Why the fuck won't he let this go? "It's almost midnight. To be honest, I'd rather not ring in the New Year rehashing the past with you in the kitchen." She says cuttingly.
"I know, you've made it pretty clear you would rather not be within 1000 feet of me tonight. But I just want to know if there was any truth to any of what she said." His voice is steady.
"You're so full of yourself. All she did was feed right into your ego with her drunken delusions. I guess writing best sellers has gone straight to your head since you're so quick to believe her words." Blair scoffs.
She can already hear everyone counting down out in the living room. Time is running out.
20…
19…
18...
"Do I really seem so conceited to you? All I am doing is asking you a question which you keep dodging. If it wasn't true then why don't you just say so?" He probes further.
14…
13...
Because she hit the nail on the head and I'm worried you'll see right through my lie, Blair thinks to herself. Instead, she says, "Because I'm trying to salvage this night and trying to end this conversation so I am not cursed for the new year. Haven't you ever heard how you spend your new year's eve is a prediction for the rest of your year? So if you'll excuse me."
10…
9…
8...
She begins to stomp off but is halted by the feel of Dan's hand reaching out to her arm, gently holding her back.
7…
6…
She whirls around ready to boil over but her anger is halted when she surveys his face. His expression is all too familiar, he's looking at her just like he did when she first fell for him. She feels her fiery rage dissipate.
5...
4…
3…
Before the clock has even struck midnight, he closes the gap between them as his lips reach hers. They don't part, not even when it's certainly past midnight, the cheering ensuing. Fireworks exploding in the air. The don't part until finally the kitchen doors are pushed open and the sound of someone muttering a sorry forces them to regain their senses. Blair breaks away first and takes a step back. Feeling as though she's just woken up from a dream, hazy and a bit unsteady.
"You're fine," She says to the girl who was about to walk back out of the kitchen. Then, she says to no one in particular. "I should bring out the champagne, Anna must be waiting."
"Right," Dan says a little breathlessly, not moving.
Blair goes out into the living room, pasting on her brightest smile as she strides across the dining room. She holds out the bottle to Anna.
"Finally!" Anna exclaims. "Where were you hiding, Blair? The clock struck midnight but I didn't see you… Or Dan for that matter."
"I was right here," Blair lies. "But I actually don't think I'm up for champagne. I'm actually really exhausted so I think I'm going to head out." She says before she can stop herself.
"Me too," Dan's voice comes from behind her and she hopes Anna doesn't notice how her breath caught as he spoke.
"Aw," Anna sighs. "Well, thank you both for coming. I'll grab Wes so you can say bye, Dan."
Anna rushes off to find her husband and Blair is left standing alone with Dan. Thankfully it takes only a moment for them to return and say their goodbyes.
"How are you getting home?" Dan asks her holding the door open for her.
"I only live a few blocks from here so it feels a bit unnecessary to call for a car. I will probably just walk." Blair says, knowing it would be easier than waiting out in the cold.
"I'll walk you." Dan says automatically.
"You don't need to do that." She gives him a small reassuring smile, though she still feels completely uneasy since their unspoken kiss. She wonders if he's drunk but he doesn't seem to be and for her, the alcohol only casts a faint fog on her brain now.
He doesn't argue with her, instead, he just says, "Like you said, it's only a few blocks."
"Okay," Blair agrees. She wants to ask what that was and what that meant back in the kitchen. But she's too stubborn. So instead she says, "Thanks."
She does try for honesty though as they wait for the elevator, "I think I liked it better when we were arguing."
Inside, he stands across from her and looks at her questioningly after he pushes the Lobby button. "What do you mean?"
"It's easier, I know the right thing to say when we're fighting. But when you're being nice it's, a bit disconcerting."
Her words seem to resonate with him. "I feel that way too with you."
"Who knew being civil could be so difficult?" Blair says sardonically.
"I hope I didn't actually curse your new year." He says as they step out of the elevator.
"I don't really believe in that, so I'm sure it's fine." Blair admits. "I'm not actually sure what exactly the parameters are of that myth anyways."
"I think you might've been a bit off. I believe it's the person you kiss at midnight is the person you'll kiss for the rest of the year." Dan says sheepishly.
"Oh." Blair looks away. "Well, then maybe we are really cursed."
"Are we?" He says without a trace of sarcasm once she looks back at him.
"I don't know." She says truthfully.
"Would it be such a bad thing?"
"To be cursed? I mean I'm hardly superstitious but I'd think being cursed wouldn't be ideal." She says with a sarcastic tone.
"Not to be cursed. You know what I meant. For that to happen again?" He says vaguely but she knows what he means.
"Maybe." The thinks, "But maybe not."
"We have gone a full," He looks down at his wrist, "30 minutes without arguing."
"Wow, that's quite an accomplishment." Blair says with a tentative smile.
"I think so." Dan smiles back and then brushed his hand against hers. She doesn't pull hers away. He seems to take it as the go ahead and he entwines his fingers with hers, causing a flurry in her stomach.
Their hands stay like that as they walk the next 50 paces or so in silence.
"This is my block." She says as they reach her neighborhood. "I'm just up ahead."
"Okay," Dan nods. She thinks she notes a tone of disappointment but then realizes she's probably imagining it. She wonders when the switch flipped. The second she heard him tonight she wanted to be anywhere but near him but now the opposite was true. But maybe she was only fooling herself before.
"Where's the doorman?" Dan notices the empty lobby.
"He has the night off." Blair says, reluctantly dropping his hand as he reaches to hold it open for her.
"Should I walk you to your door then?" He asks her hesitantly.
She nods and walks close enough to him to the elevators that he could grab her hand again. But he doesn't and she feels her stomach drop as they stand waiting for the elevator.
Once inside the lift, she steps forward to push the button for her floor, the 14th. As she steps back, she feels his arm encircle her waist and her chest constricts.
She closes her eyes, leaning into him. Then, she says something she'll almost certainly regret. Maybe it's the lingering influence of alcohol or the way he was looking at her the whole wall home or even just the way his arm feels around her but whatever it is, it's unstoppable. "What Edie said was true."
He says nothing and her heart sinks. But then, she feels him pull her toward him and he kisses her, more confidently than he did earlier. As though this time he knows she will kiss him back, which she does.
The elevator doors ping a few moments later and they regretfully pull apart with Blair leading the way.
At her door, she asks, "Do you want to come in?"
He seems to think for a moment, "I do but I should probably get home, it's almost 1."
"Right," She nods feeling foolish. "Well, it was-" She starts to say goodbye and to basically wish him a good life so she can dispel any notion that she wanted to more to happen but then he cuts in.
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
She's caught off guard so she shakes her head, "I'm not sure."
"Would you want to go get coffee? Then maybe go to The Whitney? They have an exhibition featuring 20th-century editorials, I thought of you when I heard about it."
"That would be nice," She smiles, flooded with relief.
"Okay, does 11 work?" I can meet you downstairs in the lobby." Dan offers.
Blair nods in response. "Sure."
"I'll see you tomorrow then." Dan leans in and kisses her goodbye. More chastely this time and she wishes there was more as she watches him go.
Inside her apartment, she leans against the door. Breathless with adrenaline searing through her veins. His words echoing in her head, "I thought of you." She knew Dan was a member of the museum from when they were dating and they sent out the exhibition announcements months beforehand. So that means he thought of her months before tonight. It made her feel a bit less embarrassed about her earlier admission.
She went to bed with a reply of the kiss, his words, and the possibility of tomorrow swirling in her mind.
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you. And I will hold on to you.
Her brain only half looms with the fear that he won't actually show up and that this is some sort of elaborate revenge plan as she steps into the elevator that morning. She can't help fiddling with the lock closure on her Chloe bag as descends, filled with trepidation.
Her relief is palpable as she spots him through the opening elevator doors. He's standing watching the doors, and she thinks she sees him let out a breath. Maybe he had a similar fear, that she wouldn't come down. Although maybe his expression is more one of regret than relief he thinks as she gets closer. She tries to dispel the frightening thought as she nears him.
"Hi," She tried to sound light and carefree.
"Hi," He says looking uncertain until he decides to kiss her lightly on the lips.
The mood is hesitant, uneasy, and there is utter silence between them as they walk to find an open coffee shop. Before they even reach one Blair can't take the tension anymore and she stops in the middle of the sidewalk.
"This is a disaster." She proclaims, feeling as though she might hyperventilate.
Dan stops and stares at her in confusion. "What? How is this a disaster?"
Blair wrings her hands. "Are you serious? Just admit it, I'm painfully aware already."
He looks at her blankly so she continues. "Let's start with the fact that we aren't talking and then that you look like you've made a huge mistake by seeing me again today. You probably are mentally planning a way to get out of this."
"What? No, not at all."
"Admit it, Dan. We should have left last night as that. As a surprisingly good New Year's Eve that we could look back on positively instead of wrecking it with this disaster." She gestures vaguely in between them.
"I don't think it's a disaster though." He says and she can't help but think he's being sincere. "I mean maybe it's a little awkward but that's sort of bound to happen right? We hadn't seen each other in 4 years and now here we are."
"You don't regret it?" She asks, hating how vulnerable she sounds.
"Of course not." He takes her hands in his. "If I'm being honest, I'm just nervous and I don't know what to say. 24 hours ago I was dreading a party where I knew some girl, and from the sounds of it a pale imitation of you, would be that my friend and his wife wanted to set me up with. Then, it turned out it was actually you, the girl I thought I had lost forever. Then, now here we are on what feels like a first date but also doesn't feel like a first date at all given our history. So I just am a bit uncertain of how to proceed."
"Wait… you were supposed to be set up with someone last night?" Blair starts with that part, trying the ignore the flip flop her stomach did towards the end of his explanation.
"Yes, you. You didn't catch on to that?" He says, eyeing her quizzically.
Blair shakes her had but continues to think about it. "Although it was odd that Anna and Wesley kept watching us like animals at the zoo."
"Exactly. Neither of them told you though that they wanted you to meet someone last night?"
"No, I mean maybe they did but if so I don't remember. Actually, I filter Anna out sometimes, I know it's awful. It's just she's such a romantic she's always going on about her and Wes and it inevitably leads to her telling me about some guy I just have to meet but by then I'm not really listening anymore. But the more I think about it she was always specifically mentioning a writer that Wesley publishes but she didn't want to name given he was well known. So I suppose that could've been you."
"Exactly. So that among other things is just throwing things off. I had no idea I'd be here right now but that doesn't mean I don't want to be. Of course, I do." He squeezes her hands reassuringly.
"I guess I just wasn't sure if you only kissed me because it was New Year's Eve and you were swept up in the moment or something. Maybe you just asked to see me again out of obligation…"
"No, none of it was because of some dated tradition or social obligation. I just didn't want to fight with you anymore. After 4 years of thinking of you and regretting letting you go, I had you right there in front of me and that's why I did it. And I asked to see you today because if I didn't then, what? I can't go another 4 years let alone another day without seeing you again."
His words are so romantic and reassuring she's unable to speak. Instead, she leans forward and kisses him. When she pulls away she says, "Then I'm really glad you did. And I guess now I don't have to have Edie fired for being the world's worst confidant. I mean, I hate to think what company secrets she's spilling every time she drinks."
Dan winces, "Yes, from the brief impression I got of her she's less than discreet. But the upside was at least she made me realize that there was a possibility for us. I thought you hated me up until then."
"Why would I hate you? If anyone should hate anyone it's you. I made such a huge mistake." Blair buried her face in her hands.
"It's okay. I made a mistake too. I set us up for failure by casting a shadow of doubt over us. I let you go in a way and I never should have." He clasps her hands more tightly.
She nods, "I guess. I just regret it so much, you know?"
"Of course, I know." He says with feeling. "But," he smiles, "We're here now and we have a second chance. So maybe this time we won't mess it up or maybe we will but just because we mess up and make a mistake it won't be the end. We know better than to let it go now."
Blair nods, "You're right." She lets exhales deeply, feeling as though a weight has been lifted.
Dan kissed her hands and then says, "Okay so should we resume our date? Whatever it is? I don't know where we landed on if it's a first date, or not."
"I think the conversation we just had would've been a bit intense for a first date, don't you?" Blair says, teasingly.
"True. Plus, already being in love before the first date has even begun might be a bit unconventional." Dan's words cause her heart to stop and Blair looks up at him, reading his expression.
"I suppose… Although, I wouldn't mind if it's the right person." She holds his gaze as she speaks.
"And if it wasn't?" He asks her.
"I wouldn't be standing here." She says steadily. "But I don't know if I can handle it being a first date. There's too much waiting and wondering in that stage. I don't want to have to wonder."
"Then let's not wonder." He kisses her, dropping one of her hands as he does so. He leads her back onto the sidewalk. "Let's go start our not-first date. In fact, let's not do coffee that's too casual. Let's go eat instead."
But I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong. Or we're making mistakes.
"That was the best New Year's Day I've had in a long time. Maybe ever," Blair says as they make the same walk as the night before, hand in hand.
"Me too." Dan squeezes her hand.
At her front door, there's no need to ask him this time. No more wondering. She opens the door and he follows her in. She flicks on the lights and dims then, lightly illuminating her spacious three bedroom apartment.
That night, before they fall asleep, still entwined, Blair breathes easy. Feeling more settled and calm than she has in years. She used to lie in this very bed, no more than a couple of days ago, restlessly replaying the past and her mistake. She would never have admitted it to anyone but she always wondered if maybe someday they would get a second chance. But with four years passing it started to see less and less likely. Now here they are, she thinks, exhaling a contented sigh. She stifles a yawn but allows her eyes to flutter closed. As she falls asleep, she faintly hears his voice, Goodnight, Blair. I love you. Even through the sleepy foggy rolling over her, she can feel the gentle kiss pressed to her forehead. She drifts off at last, the slightest smile at her lips as she sleeps.
You and me forevermore.
End :)
ps I know, I know. I need to update A Bittersweet Retreat. I still intend to finish the story I just am stuck on it and haven't had much time for it, unfortunately. But I really hope to find some time to work on it because I do want to finish it out. Besides, there's nothing worse than an unfinished story. So don't worry I will post the last chapters as soon as possible. So thank you for being so patient and sticking with my stories!