A/N: Well, here we go. My first Gravitation story. I've came up with so many ideas, yet I've never put any of them to written word - except for this one, which I believe may be the best idea I've had for a while. Reading others' own stories inspired my to write my own. So here it is.

Genre: Angst/Romance

Look out for:
- Shuichi's new appearance. I'm not keeping his pink hair and violet eyes, and have adopted the Shuichi from the OVA (mahoganny/brown hair and emerald eyes) -- I think he looks much better this way. (NOTE: Haven't seen the OVA Shu-chan? http/s81. Possible upcoming lemons (not posted on can be found elsewhere)
- SLIGHT OOC - more so in the surroundings of the characters - nothing serious to be worried about
- Cheating, lying, sinning, and all that other good stuff...

WARNING: This story is of adult yaoi (boy loves boy) nature. If you are offended by relationships consisting of two males, and their sexual lives, then I would advise you not to read on.

SUMMARY: After leaving Shuichi, Yuki is getting married to a woman in America. But unexpectedly, Yuki asks Hiro to arrange a get together. What happens between him and Shuichi when they are on vacation at the beach with the others? And what about Eiri's fiancee?

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gravitation or the lovely hot boys in it. Maki Murakami does.

"Speech"

'Thoughts'

Flashbacks

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Chapter 1


(Shuichi's POV)

It's been eight months since Yuki walked out of my life. I thought that again, our ploblems would be overcome like they always seemed to have, and our relationship would continue moving onwards. But I wasn't in the right position to be making assumptions like that, and I silently knew that somewhere along the road, we would separate for good. How many times had Yuki tried to escape me? Ever since we've been together, he continuously endeavored to keep himself away, and the facts began to sink in as to why he was always so defiant and cold towards me. And eventually, I lost my will to fight against him. But why did it have to be like this? I gave everything to him, and I wanted nothing in return than to be close to him. But even that seemed too much to ask for. Of course, there were the small, sweet moments that we shared that gave me a little bit hope; hope that he finally cared for me, that he would open up to me, and eventually love me. And that hope was what I ran off of. If he hadn't given me those special moments, I would have gave up so much sooner, something that I never wished to happen. But at the same time, I wish it had happened much sooner.

Confused? Yeah, me too.

I tried to keep Yuki as long as I could, and because he chose to stay with me for so long, I thought that maybe, just maybe, things could work out between us.

But things didn't happen that way. And I doubt it ever will.

Especially now that Yuki is gone for good.

---

I could hear Yuki tread through the porch, knowing that he was carrying the bags he had left with a week ago. He called my name when he didn't find me to welcome him at the door like I usually did. I could hear his heavy footsteps leading him throughout the house as he searched, which finally ceased when he discovered me lying on the bed in the room that we shared. I kept my back to him, feigning sleep. Silently he settled his suitcases in the closet, before shrugging off his clothes and slipping himself into the bed, draping his arm over my waist.

I stiffened at the touch, and I tried to hold back the tears that began to burn the back of my eyes. I shook my head and buried it into the pillow, hoping that my sobs couldn't be heard by my playing lover. But, with my luck, he shifted to look at me over my shoulder. And shook me from my 'sleep'.

"Crying again, are you?" He snorted. "That's all you're good at." I could sense his anger.

I made no reply, continuing to let out the built up tension. Yuki was getting frustrated, I could tell by the tightening grip on my hip, his nails digging into my flesh. For such a strong-minded person, he sure did have a short temper.

"Get out." His voice was strong, demanding. "I can't sleep with your sniveling, you damned brat."

I shut tight my eyes, trying to hold back the anger and adrenaline that coursed through my body.

When I didn't respond, he shoved me harshly in the back and I fell to the floor, smashing my head on the nightstand as I did so. I clutched the wound and tried to bottle up the pain. Yuki didn't need to hear me cry any longer.

"I said get out!"

I looked up at him with sad eyes.

"Why do you bother to come back, Yuki? Why! As long as you have another toy, I'm not needed, right!" More hot tears streamed down my face, and I could taste the salt as they entered my mouth. My voice dropped. "My love means nothing to you..."

Yuki was silent. He focused his amber eyes upon me, unmoving, but held a tint emotion. Glancing up, my heart immediately clenched as I realized what I had just done. I expected to see anger, hatred. But instead... Did I see pain in his eyes? Did I see hurt? Why? Why was he hurting? I mean nothing to him... Right?

The moment didn't last more than a second before his cold eyes hardened into a challenging glare, filled with a rage that seemed to be fueled by my words.

"So you've finally realized the truth, haven't you?" A divine smirk tugged at the corners of Yuki's pale lips.

My bloodshot eyes widened before falling into the depths of sadness. I couldn't bear to look at him. Even though I had said those things, I was hoping Yuki would tell me that everything was going to be all right and that he didn't feel that way; that he truly does love me... But how could I have even thought of that? How could I have been so foolish? I knew I would never hear those words come from his mouth.

But how could this be happening? After all we've been through together, why would he leave now?

Yuki frowned as he watched me through the darkness of the bedroom.

"Well!"

My head snapped upwards, my eyes meeting his. We sat there in silence for a few short moments before I rose. Hastily, I picked up my neglected pajamas from the floor and stepped into them. My rapid breathing penetrated the quietness of the enclosed room.

A grin plastered over Yuki's face as he gave a soft chuckle. Did he really think this situation was funny? Was he amused by my suffering? He must. He tortured my all through our relationship, and seemed not to give two cents about my pain. Apparently, he got a kick out of it.

"Ah, don't look so sad, love." Sarcasm dripped heavily from his mouth. "Maybe once I get tired of this fuck, you'll have another opportunity."

Another opportunity? For what? Rejection? Fake love? Hurt? Pain? Depression? Was being with Yuki really worth that?

Even if it wasn't, I know that it wouldn't change a thing. It wouldn't change the way I felt about him. Not ever.

Sauntering towards to door, I took one last, saddened look at Yuki before placing my hand on the doorknob. Then, through my tears, I smiled. "I love you, Eiri Yuki." And in spite of myself, despite the situation, I meant every word of it. "Take care of yourself... I only wish for your happiness. And if I can't give you that, than I hope your new lover can."

---

I know that he had probably meant for me to sleep on the couch that night, but I didn't think I could bear to live with him any longer. Getting away from him was probably the best. He was going to leave me eventually, at any rate. The next day, I had decided to move in with Hiro for a while until I could get a place of my own. I knew I wasn't welcome back home. But when I went back to Yuki's place to gather my things, I had found a note on the door telling me that he had left, leaving cruel words and heart-breaking statements about our relationship. About us.

And about her...

I sighed heavily, my eyes focusing on the buildings outside our apartment. Yes, our apartment. The one we had shared while we were together. When he left, I couldn't bring myself to let it go. I was afraid that if I did so, I would forget all about Yuki, all of the memories we shared, both the good and the bad. And although Hiro and the others told me it was best to clear my remembrance of him, I didn't want to.

I still love him. And I'm beginning to think that I always will. But it isn't healthy to continue to do so. Even I know that.

I heaved my broken body from the couch and walked into the bathroom, taking one long look at the reflection that is supposed to be me. It's only been eight months, but it has been the longest and painful eight months that fate has put me through. And it showed. Desperate to focus on anything but the stranger in front of me, my eyes cast downwards, where I found a very familiar torn rag. I stared for long moments before turning over the folds and glancing at the razor within. When I started using it, I can't remember. But it must have been long back, because there was no longer any room left to cut at my arms. Every time that I had thought about him, I would find comfort in the bathroom. And apparently, I think too much about him. Resisting the seductive voice of the cold metal object, I wrapped the razor and threw it under the sink hastily.

This has to stop.

Sighing, I reached over to turn the taps of the Jacuzzi, deciding that I need to relax a little. Everyday I need to find someway to sooth my body, to nurture the muscles that seemed to constantly cramp up. Although I was, at first, very uncomfortable with the unwelcoming the pain, I had gotten used to it by now. It was a part of my everyday life -- a routine that I have to live with.

I shrugged off my unwashed clothes and stepped into the heated water, the jets positioned against my back, fully massaging my hardened muscles. Propping my elbows on the edge of the over-sized tub, I leaned my head back, allowing the warmth to calm my body. I had to use the little strength I had to hold myself in the water. I was so light now, the buoyancy of the fluid makes me float out of the tub if I'm not careful. I had lost so much weight during my depression. For the first month that Yuki had left me, the shock had taken such a toll on me, which later on burdened my body. I was so focused on my pain and Yuki, that I never realized that I was hungry, or if I had ever felt hunger. For those three and a half weeks, I hadn't eaten. Many of my friends and my co-workers were, at first, angry that I had decided to become anorexic. But I wasn't anorexic, and I never was. Never had I purposely chosen not to eat. It just happened that way.

When Hiro asked me how long I hadn't had food for, I couldn't answer, as I hadn't realized that I hadn't had any. I was shocked with myself when I recounted the days. And with Hiro's comfort, I broke down. I was deeply saddened by the fact that Yuki could continue to cause me pain. When he left, I knew that it wasn't going to be easy to get over him, and maybe being without him was best after all. But even through all the pain he caused me, I loved him, and I still do. And even now, although Yuki isn't here, he's still hurting me, and I continue to love him. Now of days, I think that it was best to be hurting while being with Yuki, than be hurting without him. At least I could see his face. At least I could just be around him.

I ducked my head under the water before surfacing, shaking the droplets from my dimmed hair. Here I go again. Thinking about him. It's been an endless cycle ever since he left. I thought about him, cut, thought about him, cut, thought about him, then cut again. But this time I wouldn't.

This has to stop.

I snatched a towel from the closet as I got out of the tub, drying myself as I did so. I wrapped the welcoming cloth around my hips and headed for the counter, picking up a brush and began to massage my scalp as I ran the bristles through my thinning hair. Yes, I had even begun to lose hair. Not enough for me to become bald, no. It had even begun to fade, and without more shine, and no volume either; it only lay flat on my head, seemingly plastered with oil, no matter how many times I washed it.

I couldn't help but glance in the mirror as I preened myself. Again. I always tried not to, and anyone who could see me know would understand why.

I grimaced as I gazed at my reflection once more. My skin was an ugly pale color, I can see that I still have the dark rings around my eyes (which had never faded since my depression), and my normally emerald eyes had lost their luster and sparkle. But what stood out most, were my ribs and hipbones, jutting so far outwards that I could almost resemble a skeleton if it weren't for my thin layer of skin. I was disgusting, and almost... horrifying.

All of this self-mutilation. All of this suffering. All of this pain. All of this is because of one person. No, not just any person. The man I love. The one I will always love. The one who I will live for just to think about him. That man. That person.

Is Yuki.

This has to stop.

---

"Yeah, sure..."

I heard talking as I entered Hiro's manor (they're famous, are they not? I would suppose that they would live in larger homes, not the small apartments they stayed in in the anime). I wasn't in the proper position to be breaking and entering, but Hiro wouldn't answer the door. I knew he was home, too. He never leaves to go to the studio without me picking him up first. He decided to let me come over to his place so we could go together, instead of the other way around like it usually was. He told me that it would be good for me to get outside for some exercise and fresh air. And although I didn't like the idea, I knew he was right. I preferred to stay indoors, away from public eyes, only emerging when I truly needed to. And that was only when I went for practice and for concerts. Hiro was the one who usually stocked up my groceries.

Not bothering to step out of my shoes, I walked down the hallway casually, only stopping when I reached the sitting room. Hiro was on the sofa, one arm draped lazily over the back of the couch while the other held the cordless phone up to his ear.

"So, I'll talk to you later, I guess." There was a pause. "Mhm. I can talk to him tonight after our press conference." Another. "Will do. See ya."

"Who was that?"

Hiro's eyes widened and he jumped a few inches off of his seat.

"Geez, Shuichi! Don't scare me like that!" He frowned slightly, his back pressed against the couch, eyes set upon me once he apprehended my presence.

"Sorry... But you didn't answer the door, so I came in."

"Oh, well, I was busy on the phone with Ayaka-chan."

I looked a bit shocked. "Busy enough to ignore me? Hiro, we're supposed to be going to practice. Work comes first; your lady-friend can wait."

"Leave her out of this, will ya? It's not her fault." Hiro took his time to calm himself before glancing up into my eyes. His expression faded into confusion. "You were serious? Work, already?"

I only nodded, not wanting to resume conversation. I am always like this, now. I lose interest in talking completely. I couldn't figure out why at first, and it was a bit frightening. But every time I had an in-depth conversation with Yuki, it usually turned into a argument. Maybe that's what I'm running from. I just don't want to end up fighting anymore. But all the same, I find it a laughing matter. I mean, sometimes I forget who I am, really. Shuichi Shindou, quiet? Heheh.

"Thinking about Yuki-san again, are you?" Hiro sounded a bit frustrated when he responded. I couldn't blame him. Everyone's noticed that since he hasn't been around, I've become more quiet, conceded, and continue to stare into space, always thinking about something deep. No. Someone. Not something, someone. And it wasn't hard for them to figure out who.

I looked up at Hiro's strained face, feeling guilty. How long had I put him through this drama?

"Sorry..." I lowered my head.

Hiro ran his fingers through his auburn hair, looking a little stressed out.

"Don't apologize, Shu."

I paled.

Shu? Did... He just call me...Shu?

There was a moment's silence before Hiro looked down at me with wide eyes, immediately feeling regret in the pits of his stomach. Keeping my own eyes closed, I tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill.

"I...I'm sorry, Shuichi... I didn't mean --"

That's what he always called me... he... Yuki... called me 'Shu'... I felt crippled. Just hearing that name, to be called by that name, my heart shattered. Again. How much more pain was I going to be able to take? As of now, I'm sure that Yuki's going to be the death of me. Who said people can't die of heartache?

"It's ok. Let's just go, Hiro. We're gonna be late..."

"...Since when do you not want to be late for press conferences...?"

I laughed a little before we grabbed our belongings and headed to the confrence studio, a dreaded place which we would like to call hell.

---

My fingers were trembling so badly that I had a problem slipping the key into the lock of my apartment. My whole body shook with a mix of anger and depression. I didn't bother to remove my jacket and shoes, and immediately I sauntered towards the armchair, where I sat to let the rest of my tears escape. My eyes are so puffy and red, I can't see straight, and the tears that built up aren't helping my situation. I wiped them away, and got down to business. I couldn't let this bother me now.

Looking around, I tried to decide what needed to be packed. I was moving most of his things in with Hiro tonight, where I would be staying for some time.

It was time to put the past into the past.

I needed to get away. Now.

Even though I haven't even looked at any other houses as of yet, I didn't care. That would be taken care of later.

I had been searching around the living area for a good forty-five minutes, making sure that everything that was mine was packed neatly into the spacious boxes. After finding a few misplaced objects around the house, I decided that I would have to do some clean-up before I left.

The bathroom was neglected for the fear that I would make blood with the razor, which was something that definitely had to stop. The bedroom needed no more probing, as I had just left pretty much everything in it. Besides, most of it was Yuki's, anyways. He didn't take anything with him when he left Japan for the final time; just a small duffle bag with random clothing packed into it. But I did check the guest bedroom, Eiri's office, hell, I also checked the garden. I felt the need to search the attic, even. But I thought that there would be no real point in that... Though... There was something about it... Nah.

A few other things were added to the bags. Just a few meaningless objects that I had found.

"Almost finished, Shuichi," I spoke happily to myself. In mere minutes I would be leaving this place. Just a few more things to do.

I pulled the sofa away from the wall to get things prepared, picking up anything that could be done by hand, leaving what could be picked up by the vacuum for later.

But before I could make any real progress, I froze as I felt something familiar graze my fingers. It was slim, and obviously had an engraved border carved into the metalic metal. Sliding my fingers further downwards, I felt a pane of glass. I didn't know whether or not I wanted to see it, even if I already knew what it was. But I couldn't resist either way.

Pulling the frame from upon the floor, I laid eyes upon yet another painful memory. That picture. The one he and Yuki had taken on their first date. I felt warmth strain against the back of his eyes once more, and knew what was to come next.

I heard the shattering of glass as the frame was thrown carelessly against the wall. I stumbled forwards where I rested my hands against the smooth surface where the picture had been broken. I slid down onto my knees and put my head in my hands, ignoring the pain of the glass that dug into my legs. I hadn't realized what I had done, and felt the tears stream down my face when reality hit me, while I was still seeing red from anger and sadness. Unsteadily, I rose my head to look back at the photo.

All of this. All of what happened between us. And now Yuki is getting married to another person...

A person he had told me was just another one of his toys...

---

(Shuichi's POV)

"It's good to have you with us, Shindou-kun. We appreciate that you have made time to spend with us."

"I'm happy to be here." Yeah right. Another fucking press conference. It hasn't been as much as a minute since I sat down, and here they are, already prepared to penetrate my life. Again. How many more questions could they possibly ask me? My life doesn't change every two seconds, you know. Maybe Hiro was right. Since when did I want to be early for a press conference? Who am I and what have I done with Shuichi?

Maybe I should have gotten here later, and then maybe they wouldn't have to ask me so many questions as they usually did. One disadvantage of being famous is the constant probing of your life by the media, press, and fans.

"We're here to ask you today about the love triangle that you and Mr.Eiri Yuki share together. What are your feelings towards the new lover he's with?"

They called me up to ask me that? What am I supposed to say...? That I'm weak and can't live without him? That his girlfriend can go rot and burn the fuck in hell? I don't know whether or not I should tell the truth, or just let it slide. If I didn't come clean, I have a feeling that they will pursue me until I give a pure answer. Like always. I have to admit, the media have clever, inescapable minds -- unfortunately for me.

"Well, it's still difficult to get over the fact that Yuki has moved on with his life." That wasn't too bad. It's an answer I could be satisfied with. And at least it wasn't too revealing.

"And what about you? Have you moved on as well? Do you plan on finding someone else?" Her voice was smooth, and although she looked a bit bored, she knew that her speaking was all that mattered. The camera couldn't see her anyways. She had obviously done this routine many times before, and is probably only interested in the answers to the questions. I couldn't blame her. It must be a boring task.

I had to pause for a moment, biting the inside of my lip, a habit that I had picked a few months ago.

"Like I said, it's hard to watch him move on." I was blunt, but I knew the press were going to keep on hording the questions.

"And how do you feel about that?" The same question, just rephrased. That's what they do until they get the answer they're seeking. And, heh. She sounds like a psychologist. I had to mentally laugh at that one.

"I'd prefer not to get into too much detail on that matter." Surprisingly, I didn't even feel like crying, really. Not like the beginning. Maybe it's because I kept telling this story over and over, and I've gotten used to it by now -- that these are just over-used words on my part.

But... they do still mean the most to me.

"Suicidal thoughts? Self-mutilation?" Well, I guess she didn't care about my opinion. Their sentences are so well put together and calculated that it doesn't seem to pressuring the the audience, and that the questions don't seem repeated. But it's a different point of view when you're the entertainment.

"No, I have never thought of suicide." It's true. I haven't. Committing suicide would mean letting go of Yuki. Even if he was only a memory now, at least he still lived on in my life. That's all that mattered to me.

"And what about the latter, Shuichi-kun?"

"No, not that either." My first lie.

"So what do you think about Yume? Eiri's new wife-to-be?"

My heart stopped.

...What...?

Suddenly, I found that I couldn't breathe. Something overtook my lungs, and hell, it desired no oxygen. What was left of it was held tight in my organs, becoming so under pressure that it could be considered aerosol.

'Wife... to be? Yuki's getting married?' It was... had to be... to that girl...

...What's going on...? What the fuck is going on!

My chest ached so badly that tight cramps began to grow in my ribs and abdomen, and even in my back. I wouldn't be surprised if I had doubled over from the pain right then and there.

But all the same... I couldn't believe, didn't want to believe. Yuki... He can't be getting married... How could he...?

The host was waiting impatiently for a reply, yet even if I wanted to, there was no way possible for me to form words as I choked on my own throat.

I couldn't take this. This must be a lie. There's no way... No way...

Before I knew what I was doing, I ran off the set, nearly tripping over the many cords that scattered the concrete floor. The cameras focused their lenses and followed me out until I had completely left the studio. How could this be? How could he? How could he let go of our relationship so quickly? So easily?

I stormed past my crew. Sakano-san, K, Hiro, and Fujisaki, all looked out after me with hard, guilty eyes. They knew. The knew that I wasn't aware of this. That I didn't know that Yuki was to be wed. Yet they never told me.

They never fucking told me!

I didn't know what was happening. Everything around me blurred as I tried to breath. All of my remaining muscles were completely cramped and in so much pain. But, despite myself I ran, ran outside, and ran home. I was running from the truth. Running away from the pain, the hurt. Running away from the sadness. Running away from life.

Running away from Yuki...

---

A/N: Well, that's the end of chapter 1! Sorry if there are mistakes, but I just got tired of reading it over and over again. So the rest you can blame on Cammy XD, my Beta. Anywhoo, I keep finding mistakes as I continue to read it over, so if I miss a few, please let me know if you find them.

I don't know what I'll get around to updating; it basically depends on how my reviews go! Even one is good enough for me. As long as you all enjoy the story, I will continue to write. Hopefully, I can update much more during the rest of the summer. When school starts, I might be a bit busy so please bear with me. I'm predicting that this is going to be one helluva long story.

So, what do you think so far? What's it missing? What needs to be improved? Is there anything you don't like? Well, press the little magic button at the bottom of your screen to tell me what's on your mind... ;D