AN: While listening to too much Bright Eyes, one of the song titles stood out to me, The Difference In The Shades. Taking it away from the original context of song, I got my story.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never mine :(
The Difference In The Shades.
Remus Lupin, was not a stupid boy. He was smarter and knew a lot more things than most people of his age.
But what you know isn't always the same as what you feel. The subtle difference in the shades between cold, hard facts and human emotion was fast becoming too hard to tell. But it was there.
It was in the way that Sirius' perfectly grey eyes shined ever so slightly when his own brown ones met them. It was in the all too gentle touches as calloused fingers trailed over the fragile, scarred skin when his neck met his shoulder. And it was in those brilliant smiles that turned his bones into liquid beneath his pale skin.
He knew that Sirius was only his friend. But it didn't feel like that.
He didn't always feel like this. There was once a time when the other boy's smile hadn't made his mind spin out of control and knees shake underneath him. A long time ago, so long in fact that he didn't even know when it was. The lines between friendship & that something else has become far too blurred somewhere along the way.
Another small change, too small to see, but just big enough to feel. And even if Sirius couldn't, Remus was feeling it more than enough for the both of them.
His chocolaty brown eyes fluttered shut and he rested his head back onto the pillow underneath it. He was over-thinking things now, and he knew that when you started to do that, you let the situation become so much more than it was.
He knew that this was just a passing thing; a fleeting moment, but it didn't feel like that.
It felt like so much more. It felt like he wanted kiss Sirius and hold him close and keep him safe forever. Like he wanted to crawl inside the other boy and stay there forever. And it felt like when Sirius touched him, he wanted to sing and laugh and cry all at once…
"Hey, Moony."
A voice shook him from his thought and he turned his head towards the noise.
"Alright, Prongs."
His friend smiled at him and pushed his glasses back up his nose before sitting down on his own bed.
"Penny for 'em."
Remus smiled back and sighed outwardly, shifting so that he was upright again, his best resting on the headboard behind him. He didn't even know what he was going to say before it came tumbling out from his lips.
"James, how did you know that… you know… that you were in… love with Lily?"
The other boy looked at him suspiciously for a moment before running a hand through his already unruly hair.
"I don't know… I guess it was when I started to think about her all the time. And when she smiled, it was like; everything was right in the world, you know? It started to feel like, I was only really alive when I was with her, and the rest of the time, I was only existing, just waiting until I could see her again…" He looked up at Remus; his cheeks had turned a new shade of pink, he paused for a beat and then asked, "Who is she?"
Everything he wanted say, everything about Sirius and the coil that started to burn inside his stomach every time he saw him, and about how he thinks he might be in love for the first time in his life and it's with another boy, got died on his lips and out of Remus' mouth came, "It's just… someone." And he'd never heard his own voice sound like that, so cracked and almost desperate, it scared him.
James stared at his friend and watched as countless emotions danced across his face, confusion, guilt and an almost look of terror, mixed in with something else. Something that James couldn't name inside Remus' eyes, something important and powerful.
"It's someone." Remus repeated under his breath and James nodded, letting the silence settle around them.
And Remus mentally kicked himself for thinking too much, that was always his problem. Even when he was only young, he could never take a straightforward answer, he always had to ask why, and that's always where things get complicated and too human for him to deal with.
He longed for days when everything was simple and uncomplicated. Black and white. Before everything turned into a million different shades of a dirty, washed-out grey.
He knew that this was all wrong. But it didn't feel like that.
Remus didn't know how long he sat there for, staring at the opposite wall, so deep inside his own mind that he didn't even notice James leaving.
He swung his legs over the side of the mattress and ran his clammy palms over the soft, worn denim of his jeans. He ran a hand through his mousy brown hair and stood up, facing the doorway. Right, time to face the world.
"Moony! We were startin' to think you were never comin' down!"
Oh God there it was. He turned his head to face the voice and Remus felt something inside his chest shatter, just like every other time he looked at that boy.
He shoved his hands, which had started to tremble a little, into the deep pockets of his robes and walked over to his three best friends, sitting down next to Peter.
He felt a warm, solid hand on his shoulder and he had to suppress the violent shivers shooting like fireworks under his scarred skin. He closed his eyes for a second he collect himself and turned to face Sirius, who was smiling at him like he hadn't seen him in a year.
"Hi."
And somewhere in between the "h" and "i" Remus lost himself all over again in the eyes of the other boy, watching as light from the fire danced inside them, highlighting every emotion just that little bit more.
And for second, Remus thought he might have seen something, something he doesn't think he's ever seen in anyone's eyes before, something he didn't even dare to name. But then he thinks that he'd just imagined it and by the time his head cleared enough to look again, it was gone. Just like that.
He swallowed hard against the dull pain of his heart falling into his stomach. He had to get over this thing, whatever it was. He had to.
It was funny really; he used to laugh at the way girls got over guys, writing their names all over their workbooks and giggling in that annoying way whenever they saw them. He'd never understood it. How could anyone let someone else get to them so much?
He knew it was stupid. But all of sudden it didn't feel like that.
Remus couldn't even remember whose idea it was to start drinking the Butterbeer, but as he took yet another gulp, feeling the warmth slip down the back of his throat, he officially didn't care anymore. He let his brain switch off for once, finally stopping thinking.
He blinked and looked around him slowly, his blurry vision clearing up. On his left James was asleep on the floor, his glasses at an odd angle and his hair even messier than it normally was. Peter wasn't too far away from him, mouth wide open and snoring just a little.
"Mooony…" He heard a whisper behind him and the butterflies that seemed to have taken permanent residence in his stomach awaked all over again, "Moony…"
"Yeah Sirius…" His words slurred together slightly but he didn't care about that either, because when he turned around he noticed that Sirius' face was around 2cm away from his and his legs were dangerously threatening to give way underneath him.
"Moony."
And Sirius is way too close. Remus can feel the heat from his body radiating onto is own, and he can't handle this anymore. He goes to step back but a firm hand grips him hard around the wrist and pulls him back again.
"Don't walk away…"
Sirius' voice sounded soft and just that little bit desperate and the very last bits of Remus' control shatter into a million pieces. He feels hands on his face, ghosting over his lips and tracing the hollow of his cheek. And he doesn't want this to ever stop. He makes a soft noise at the back of his throat and the hands on his face drop and Sirius is looking him right in the eyes.
"Remus…"
The familiar nickname is gone and Remus feels something inside his chest give way. It doesn't help that the same hands that were on his face not even minutes ago are running up and down his arms in slow deliberate strokes.
But this is wrong. They're both too drunk and don't know what they're doing. No matter how good it feels, it isn't right.
"Sirius…" He knows he's going to hate himself for this for the rest of his life, but he has to do this, "Stop…"
But then lips are on his and Remus forgets what he was going to say, forgets why he wanted to stop, because this might just be the best feeling he's ever experienced and he's not giving this up for anything.
And it's not perfect, it's awkward and their teeth clash together but neither cares enough to stop, they just pull even harder together, they pull apart for a whole three second before they realise it hurts too much and they find each other again.
The second kiss is slower, more deliberate and careful. And this isn't perfect either, because they're both drunk and their two best friends are asleep next to them, but that doesn't seem important. Not when Sirius tastes like leather and cigarettes and he's holding Remus in that way.
He's waited too long for this.
They pull away again, both out of breath and a little flushed. Sirius laughs and Remus laughs too, just because it feels like the right thing to do.
"Sirius?" Remus asks, his voice more than a little shaky and unsure but he carries on anyway, "Why?"
And one word had never meant so much to either of them than it did at that moment. Time seemed to stop and neither knew how long it was before Sirius finally answered.
"It felt right."
Sirius kisses him again, the room starts to spin violently and Remus needs to sit down. He pulls away from the other boy and walks backward until the back of his knees hit the couch. He falls back onto it and feels it shift underneath him as Sirius sits next to him.
"Moony…"
And before he knows it, Remus feels his head being pulled down to rest on the shoulder boy next him, hands trailing through his hair. He feels the ghost of kiss pressed to his temple and his eyes drift shut.
He knew that this was the most complete feeling he'd ever have in his life, and for once, it felt like it too.