CHAPTER ONE
The music pounded in her head and try as she might she couldn't shake the feeling something awful was brewing. Her eyes swept the room - how had she been sucked into this? The summer ball, again. You're weak, she told herself, can't you ever say no!. The head had approached her on Wednesday, Mrs Wilson had cried off on supervising, could she fill in Friday night? So here she was watching gyrating bodies and trying to deal with her feelings, the pounding grew worse "Drink?" She turned, Jake was holding out some green stuff in a glass, she shook her head and he disappeared towards the bar where more green stuff in bottles was being dished out. Be safer to serve them alcohol she thought with a laugh, less E numbers. She scoured the room again, searching but she knew he wasn't there, hadn't been there for weeks, why did she think he'd turn up now? Jake reappeared asking her endless questions - was she alright, did she mind if went over and talked to John Pargeter? They 'd bonded over small talk about jobs and interests, turned out Pargeter was a closet allotment man and they were swapping tips on mulch and optimum growing conditions. She nodded and watched him walk away again, he'd volunteered at once to accompany her though school stuff usually bored him, was he suspicious? The awful feeling returned to the pit of her stomach and the pounding increased.
She glanced casually their way, they were deep in conversation, Jake demonstrating something. She moved away from his eye line and slowly circled the room, to all intents and purposes the responsible adult, safety checking but in reality...? What are you she thought, what are you?
She came to a stop by the exit, looking around, savouring being free from his scrutiny for a moment; she jumped when a familiar voice said "Becca?" She turned; he was stood there looking at her. How had he done it, she thought, how had he become so indispensable to her happiness? She looked at him for such a long time that he spoke again "Becca?"
"Where have you been" she asked, "no calls, no texts, no word – why?" "I needed some time to think, I needed time to decide what I want and what's best" "What's best?" she echoed, she became aware the music had changed, the lights dimmed, bodies moved past them in a slow blur, she had a sudden thought of Jake but the bodies parted briefly and she caught a glimpse of him, well into his stride now, Pargeter enthralled, Becca could almost hear the words Tatton Park float across the hall.
Justin moved closer and took her hand "Dance with me?" Although a question he pulled on her hand and they slid into the mass, hidden from view, in their own cocoon. He put his arm around her back and pulled her close – she rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, they moved slowly, this is madness she thought and pulled away. They had returned to the spot where she saw him first and he continued to pull on her hand till they were through the door and standing in the darkened corridor. They stood a moment in the dark listening, the music muted, their breathing audible. She moved in to kiss him but he caught her hands and held her away "I didn't come here tonight for a fumble in the broom cupboard" If he heard her intake of breath it didn't stop him "Becca...I need to know something..." "I do" she replied "you know I do" "That's not it" he sighed, this was harder than he thought "Becca I'm leaving, I can't stay here and be your dirty little secret anymore, hiding from Jake, hiding from Mum, pretending to be someone else at school, sneaking away for weekends" She looked at him, there it was again that feeling of foreboding. "You can't leave" she heard herself say, "What about school, your education, what about your exams?" What about me? she wanted to scream for once, what about me? "They'll always be there any place I go but I can't stay here and do this anymore"
She looked at him willing herself to breathe in and out, why was it suddenly so hard to do such a simple thing "I need you" she whispered "But not enough" he replied sadly "Not enough to leave him, not enough to be with me, not enough to face them." He gestured towards the hall, letting go her hands "I came here tonight, to ask you..." he stopped, looking at her, her stomach knotted as she looked back. So, this was it, that day she'd dreaded since the Play, the farewell, tragic lovers parting, laughable if it didn't hurt so much and it hurt, physical pain in her stomach, the pounding in her head back. He walked away, turned paced two steps back to her "Will you come with me..."
She stood and looked at him it seemed, for a long time "Becca?" She appeared transfixed by the question but her brain was racing, did he mean it, could she do it? Any answer other than yes would be no, she knew, any 'I need time' or 'let me think' would be denial. She took in his face and knew after this there would be no going back, no job, no Jake, God Jake, how did he fit into her life? He didn't, not anymore, when had he become dispensable?
He jumped as she started to laugh, "Wwhats's so funny" he frowned "How do I run in these?" She lifted her skirt, still giggling, showing the impracticality of her footwear. The frown slowly fizzed into a grin as he took in the meaning of her words "And how do we get out?" she asked, nervous laughter never far from the surface, "Come on" he said as he grabbed her hand "I know a way out " He started down the corridor tugging her hand, leading the way "You always have" she whispered, following into the dark.
CHAPTER TWO
The cold air hit them causing her to stop, shivering and looking around, school and the lights lay behind them, Jake still in conversation, perhaps looking around now and then for a glimpse, assuming she was nearby, just out of sight. "Come on" he tugged her hand again and they ran, how she couldn't remember afterwards, she stumbled he caught her, they ran.
They came to a halt at the walls, she considered herself, hair tumbling from the carefully pinned chignon of earlier, face red and chest heaving from the effort. She pushed the hair out of her face, spoke in whoops , "I must look dreadful" she gasped. He moved from leaning on the wall, still breathing heavily and smiled at her, "You'll always be beautiful to me" he brushed the hair from her face and kissed her, she closed her eyes, madness, madness out here, what was she thinking, but this was new Becca, brave Becca, take what I want Becca soshe kissed him back. They broke apart, time pressing now, she looked down at the ruined skirt, torn where her heels hadcaught in the hem, cause for her stumbling. "I can't leave like this" she gestured down at the dress, "I need some things" He glanced at his watch "Meet back here in ten minutes, I'll collect my bag, you can grab what you need" He kissed her briefly and turned to climb the steps, she watched him then headed over to the door, she took the keys from her bag and let herself in. The flat was quiet, dark, lonely. She switched on the light and went to the bathroom, checking in the mirror. God she hadn't been wrong about how she looked, she started to tidy her hair, what are you doing? she thought, what are you doing?
She paced back to the bedroom, found the overnight bag and started pulling things out, folding and packing, the laughter came again and she started throwing things in, this wasn't a weekend away, a fortnight in Ibiza, this was for good. She sat on the bed and wept, shaken now by the decision, the confidence of earlier slipping away, foreboding back in its usual spot. She moved slowly to the shelves reached up and took down a box. Insignificant, it had never attracted Jake's attention, although had he opened it he would never have fathomed the meaning of its contents. A couple of letters, a used theatre ticket, a small, empty box. Looking at the box her mood changed, she closed it and added it to her bag, zipped it and carried it through to the doorway. She moved back and opened the door to Nancy's room, switched on the light and looked at the mess. Where could she have put it? She moved over to the dressing table and looked through the drawers, no luck. She emptied the small ethnic boxes scattered across it's surface, still nothing. She returned to the doorway and tried the bedside drawer; it lay there in a heap, discarded. She picked it up smoothed it out and fastened it on her wrist. The bracelet glinted, the dangling heart catching the light and reflecting back. Quickly she changed, abandoning the dress to the bedroom floor. She checked her watch, far more than ten minutes had passed, she panicked what if he thought she wasn't coming, what if he left without her, but still there was one final act to do. She hunted around for the tools, paper, pen, inspiration. The blank page stared back, what could she say? How could she explain, where would she start, the lessons, the Valentine's card, the kiss, that summer of bullying and battling, the horror of Ali and the fear that night she'd lost him, the darkness of jail, the terror of him leaving, the joy of Christmas? So much to tell and no words to do it, except the two, repeating in her head, so inadequate, so little. She scrawled them on the page and dropped the pen on the table; she knew what she needed to add to make the note final. She looked back from the doorway, this had been her home. She glanced at the note on the table now held in place by her rings, they glinted in the light, she switched it off and closed the door.She was careful to lock up and post the keys, still safety minded though she would never be back here again.
He was pacing backwards and forwards outside "I nearly came up – what's wrong? You haven't changed your mind?" For the first time she heard fear in his voice. She smiled "No" she said "Things just took longer than I thought" At that moment a car horn sounded and she panicked "Jake!" He grinned but seeing her face he reassured her "It's OK – I rang for a taxi, we wouldn't make the station otherwise" The driver put their bags in the boot and they climbed in, it felt surreal. She'd thought about this moment for so long, pictured it so differently, now it was here and it was a blur. She turned to him as the car pulled away, looking for reassurance andhe smiled, "So Mrs Robinson, what now?"
CHAPTER THREE
Becca gazed out of the window, partially obscured by the rain lashed against it by the wind. The sky was dark and stormy, she glanced at clock,three thirty, he would be back soon. She stretched slowly and stood up, time to start thinking about a meal, she wandered over to the cupboard and looked in at their pitiful supplies. Mmm she thought beans or...beans? She grimaced and closed it up, thoughts of finer foods pushed firmly to the back of her mind. No preparation required she ambled back to the sofa and resumed her position gazing out. She wandered off into a dream world, she was sitting in a restaurant looking at the menu, agonising over her choice...
She was woken from her reverie by a buzzing sound, her phone jinked on the table, light flashing. She picked it up and sighed, when would it stop? She pressed busy and laid it back on the table. Jake, again. Six months now and he didn't stop ringing, texting, first it was, 'where are you, please come home, we can talk about this, please'. Then the anger, 'where are you, you bitch! Talk to me, is he with you? He's missing you know, had Liz round here asking questions', then pathos 'Becca come home I need you, please, we can work this out, I love you'. She never answered him just listened, hung up. What could she say, it was over. She never told him about the phone calls, pretended they were wrong numbers if he was there, now she didn't even answer. But the intrusion from the past soured her mood; she got up and moved over to the door, picked up her bag and started checking through it texts, notebook, pens, marked work, all there. She knew she must have checked at least three times today but there was little else to do till supper. They passed like ships, him in, tired, dirty hungry, her out, equally tired but they needed the money her teaching brought in, soon they wouldn't even have that. She checked the time again, 3.45 and started looking out the window, the rain still heavy, she watched the traffic crawling by, listened to the noise from below as the takeaway geared up for the early evening trade. She looked around the flat, it was the best they had found after the dingy hotels and dodgy B & B's but even so living in two rooms was hard and soon they would need more. As if to remind her time was of the essence, a sharp kick caused her to breathe in suddenly and sit down, another one then peace. She smiled and rubbed her swollen stomach, soon they would be three...
She must have missed him crossing the street because as she turned to glance out of the window she heard the key in the door. He stood for a moment pulling it from the lock and shaking his head spraying raindrops everywhere. He quickly pushed it to and leaned back against it, his eyes closed. "Tough day at the office dear?" the same stupid joke everyday, he grinned "Can't complain!" She walked over and kissed him, oblivious of the dirt and dust, leaning in now her shape made it harder to reach. He put up a hand to smooth her hair back and she noticed the blood, she caught his hand and gasped, his knuckles grazed and swollen "What happened, how did youdo this?", he pushed her away and started to take off his jacket, moving down to take off his boots, finally straightening up but not moving from the door, leaning back again eyes once again closed. "Perks of the job apparently, last one in, site punchbag" She noticed him wincing as he spoke, holding his side. "Did they hurt you?" "Oh I gave as good as I got" He opened one eye knowing she'd look disapproving but her face was blank, hiding the fear. She looked back at him from the hob, watched him move over slowly towards the bathroom and listened till she heard the water splurting. He'd found the site job after all her pleas to finish his A levels fell on deaf ears, he wanted to support her, support their child but at what cost.
He finally emerged from the bathroom pale and clean, moved close behind her, holding her and kissing the back of her neck. He rested his chin on her shoulder and peered into the contents of the pan "Another night of fine cuisine, let me guess, haricots et pommes frites!" She shrugged him off annoyed, "It's not funny Justin!" He pulled her round "I don't care, I don't care about the job, I just care about you and her" He stroked her stomach, willing her to smile, grudgingly she obliged "or him!" she added. "Let's eat – I have to go soon" He scowled, he didn't like her going out into the dark, it was so tough here, another world where pregnant women were fair game. She caught the scowl and ignored it, that argument could take a day off, they'd been through it so many times before. Supper soon taken care off, she watched him at the sink as she rechecked the already checked bag "Right, I'll be back around ten", glancing at the food cupboard "He should pay me tonight" No reply, he carried on chinking pots in the sink, this time she slid up behind him, pressing her belly against his back, resting her face on it careful not to press on the bruised ribs. "It's not for long" she whispered "something will turn up, regular hours and more of them" He shrugged and she pulled away, grabbing her coat and heading for the door, she was gone before he could say "Bye"
He spent the evening finishing tidying up the kitchen, tidying up the bathroom, piling his abandoned work gear in the basket, cleaning up the sink, all the domestic stuff he'd avoided at home, anything to save Becca having to do it when she got back. He slumped finally on the sofa, exhausted. Pay day tomorrow for him, tonight hopefully for Becca but the guy at the language school was slippery and would put her off if he could for another week. He closed his eyes, tried hard not to think about rent and bills and food and babies. They weren't ready, in any sense of the word, the flat was too small, money was tight and work was exhausting. He tried blocking it out thinking back to the night they left, what a big adventure it would be the two of them alone together at last, arriving here, sure they would make it, happy and free. What had he said once, why does real life have to get in the way? Then the reality of finding somewhere to stay, finding jobs, finding out about the baby. The circle completed, he was back to their present sorry state, living in two rooms, with little money and a child arriving in three months. He must have dozed off for next thing he knew the key was turning in the door and she was standing there, as he had earlier, pulling it from the lock, rain drenched as he had been, pale and wan. He got up and took the bag from her and helped her out of the coat, he dropped it and hugged her, tears forming, "I love you, I'm sorry about earlier, I know we need it" She relaxed against him, eyes closed. It's going to be alright she thought, it's going to be alright.
CHAPTER FOUR
The knock at the door made him jump. Damn, Becca left her keys again, he glanced back down, one hand on her tummy to stop her rolling off, then back to the door. There was no help for it, he picked her up half dressed and grabbed his keys from the table, balancing her on his shoulder. He opened the door "Take your keys nex..." He never managed to finish as there in front of him stood Jake. "Jake" Jake looked back him, dumbfounded, whatever else he'd expected to see it wasn't this. "I was looking for Becca" "She's out" he replied, jiggling her to the other shoulder, "You'd better come in" He pulled the door wide and let Jake pass him into the room. "I'll just finish doing this" he slid her back down onto the mat where she lay looking up at him big eyed and solemn, he finished changing her, redressed her and picked her up, leaning her again against his shoulder and rocking her gently. Jake had settled himself against the sink, watching. "When will she be back?" Jake stared mesmerised by the rocking motion, he turned away facing the sink, sick to his stomach. "How did you find her, find us?" "Margaret" he replied. Justin scowled. He knew Becca should never have told her, but the guilt about leaving her and Nancy in the dark had overcome caution. She caught his hair in her fingers and pulled, he winced and smiled back her, she moved the fingers to her mouth and settled her head against his shoulder and he carried on rocking her to sleep. "How old is..." Jake couldn't fathom age or sex, Justin looked at him, "My daughter? She's four months old" he turned and carefully lowered the now sleeping infant into the basket that doubled for a crib. He stood up and looked at Jake, knowing he was doing the maths. "I'll save you the trouble, she was born in April" He took two steps towards him "What are you doing here, what do you want?" Jake clenched his fists and then with a conscious effort unclenched them again "I need to see my wife, she is still my wife and there are things we need to discuss" "Becca doesn't need this, doesn't need to see or talk to you, I thought she'd made that plain" Jake stared back at him, the rage always bubbling beneath the surface trying to spill out. This wasn't what he expected; he'd imagined their meeting but not this, never this. He turned back to the sink and took a deep breath, turned back "As I said there are things I wish to discuss with my wife" he put emphasis on the last words as if owning them could own her.
The mood was broken by the sound of a key in the lock, Becca bustling in with schoolbag and groceries; she dropped them in a heap by the door and rushed over to him, "I got it, I got it!" Justin made a movement to indicate their visitor but she was oblivious with happiness, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. Puzzled by his lack of response she pulled back "How did it go today, was she ok?" She moved away from him and over to the basket, checked the sleeping child and leant in and kissed her, stroking her head softly. She turned for his response and finally saw what he'd been trying to tell her since she burst through the door. Her heart stopped she thought for a second, "Jake!" "Hello Becca" he said softly. She was as beautiful as ever, thinner than he remembered. She sat down heavily on the sofa "How did you find me?" she whispered. "Your mum" Justin spoke for the first time since she came in. The first time all three of them together and all knowing.
"Why are you here Jake, there's nothing to say" she said sadly. "You disappear into the night, not a word for weeks, nothing. You leave me to work out for myself what you'd done, why you ran away and you wonder why I need to find you, get some kind of explanation?" he could feel the rage rising again, "Is there somewhere we can talk?" "No" answered Justin "Just go Jake, just leave us alone" Becca looked up at him and then over at Jake, "Perhaps you could take her for a walk?" she asked. "I'm not leaving you here with him" Justin positioned himself between Jake and his family, Jake was bigger and possibly stronger, but he needed to keep them safe, "Justin please, I'll be OK, I think I owe him some time" He came over and knelt down, forehead touching forehead "Are you sure about this?" he whispered "It's Ok, I'll be OK and I'm sure you could both do with the fresh air" She looked over at the basket. Justin disappeared into the bathroom and reappeared with her outdoor clothing; Becca took it from him and picked her up, manoeuvring the sleepy infant into a brightly coloured suit, pulling the hood up around her head and cradling her against her body. He leaned over, put his arms around them both and kissed her and then their daughter. Jake watched the scene as if through glass, wasn't that what he'd dreamed of, him, Becca and their child, a happy family?
Finally they were ready; Becca placed the sleeping baby into the pushchair, Justin took his jacket from the hook and he manoeuvred it out through the doorway, he looked at them both "I won't be long".
After he left Becca moved over to the kitchen and picked up the kettle. "Coffee?" she asked. Jake moved away from the sink and watched her fill it and set it back on the stand, flicking the switch. She opened a cupboard and took out mugs, coffee, then rummaged in the drawer for a spoon. While she moved back and forth, collecting milk from the fridge, Jake took the opportunity to look around. The flat was tiny, one step up from a bed-sit, it's only boast to flatdom was the bathroom. Moving out of the kitchen area he wandered over to the sofa, glancing down at the road. In the distance he could see a figure with a pushchair but it was too far away to make out if it was him.
He sat down and looked around, averting his eyes from the double bed in the corner, their bed, couldn't let his mind go there. "Been here long" he asked, as she handed him the cup. It sounded inane even to him but she considered it carefully almost as a trick question. "A while" Still she wasn't giving straight answers, he swallowed the urge to shout and took a gulp of coffee. She had positioned herself across from him, sat at the table, cup in front of her, untouched. "What happened to us" he looked across at her and she looked straight back at him. Before, he thought, she would have moved away, turned her head, and avoided the direct gaze. Where shall I start she thought, how much do I hurt him again, the truth, the half truth or more lies.
"I love him" she said. That was the truth; it had been the truth for so long, avoided for so long. What further need was there for long explanations, the hows, the whys or the wherefores.
"He's a child, Becca!" he exploded "He's barely out of school and now with a child!" He stood up, but she didn't move, didn't flinch, stared back at him calmly. "Is this what you came to talk about?" she asked. He sat down again abruptly, reaching into his pocket he threw the papers on the table, "These" he hissed at her "Divorce papers Becca! No word from you for months and then these out of the blue." "What did you expect Jake, I left you a year ago, to be with the man I loved." It was her turn to emphasise the words, "It's necessary, we want to..." Her voice petered off as she looked at his hurt face "...get married" she continued. The truth she thought, better the truth than any more deception. He crumbled in front of her, sitting there tears rolling down his cheeks. She made no move to comfort him, tell him it was a mistake, that she'd reconsider, they could start again, all the things he'd fantasised about on the journey south. "So that's it then, finished" histone bitter. "I'm sorry, Jake" Those words again, written that night, back to haunt her. "My life is with him and Lissa" "So what do they think then, his precious family?" Remembering the screaming down his phone, Becca shuddered, "Liz will come round, you haven't told her we're here have you?" He saw the tension flit across her face, "Don't worry she doesn't know from me, we'd hardly be on speaking terms now would we, considering her precious son ran off with my wife"
Becca rose from the table and collected up the cups, "If you're finished, Justin will be back and I need start supper." Strangely it was the domestic minutia that made him boil over, not the calm repudiation of their marriage but the simple fact of them sitting together eating a meal. He could picture them, sitting here in this dingy room eating, talking, arguing, making love. He tried to push the last thought out of his mind, much as he'd tried for the last year. He took two strides to reach her at the sink, raising his hand but then she turned from rinsing the cups and looked at him. Slowly he lowered it, stood there for an age then moved back till he felt the table press against him. "I think it's time you left" she said handing him the papers "Goodbye Jake." There was nothing left to say. She let him out and watched from the window as he walked away, slowly disappearing into the distance.
Keys jangled on the other side of the door and Justin appeared in the opening, back to her, pulling the pushchair and desperately trying to placate the wailing child. Becca rushed over and plucked her from the pushchair, holding her close and making soothing noises. He looked at her and asked "Well, has he gone?" She nodded over Lissa's head, swaying with the baby. He grinned at her and asked "So, when do you start?" She smiled back "It was amazing, they offered me fulltime, I start in September". He took the baby from her and she carried on telling him all about the day as she started preparations for supper.
CHAPTER FIVE
Becca leaned back in the swing and closed her eyes, "Here you are" her mother proffered a glass filled with a dark liquid "Iced tea?" She sat down beside Becca and they both squinted in the bright sunlight watching the two figures chase around the ball. Justin was shielding it while Lissa made desperate attempts to kick it, falling over and giggling each time she missed. Becca closed her eyes again, this was ...bliss. Each time it got easier, she thought, Lissa the ice breaker, her mother cooing over her at each visit and gradually thawing to Justin as he showed just how charming he could be. She smiled to herself, watching him swing the child up to his shoulders and spin her round till they fell in a dizzy heap on the grass. Margaret tutted but Becca smiled, they deserved a break. Justin's exams finished, school broken up, they could relax a little and enjoy the sunshine. Her mother had suggested they visit and so far all had passed off peacefully, the only shadow being Nancy's absence. Her mum had shrugged about it but what could she do? Justin picked Lissa up from the grass and carried her off to the kitchen in search of a drink. Margaret watched them, "They're like peas in a pod" she commented. Certainly Lissa had inherited the blond hair and her father's good looks but also his quick temper and his stubbornness she thought ruefully. "So, what's Nancy up to?" she asked leaning back and taking a sip of the drink. "I really don't know" she confessed "One of the reasons I asked you come up was to talk about her and to ask you if you'd go visit her and find out what's going on" "Me" spluttered Becca spilling her drink "I'm the last person she'll talk to!"
"Well I really don't know who else to ask, John tried talking to her the last time she came home, but all he got for his trouble was a string of sarcastic replies" she sighed "Please Becca, I'm worried about her, she might open up to you" Becca choked back a snort, the last time they'd spoken had ended in a screaming, slanging, match about Dad which had left her depressed for days.. "I'll leave you to think about it" she said standing up and taking the empty glass from Becca's hand.
She intercepted Lissa, refreshed from her sojourn indoors, in her path to the flower beds. Her passion for collecting 'bouquets' had denuded a whole section of flower heads. Justin's amusement at the bare patch had nearly soured all his previous good work but a sharp kick had wiped the grin from his face and he'd found himself apologising for his daughter's wicked Burton ways.
He sat down on the swing next to her and let out a sigh, she smiled at him "She's a handful, isn't she" "Oh I don't know" his smile mischievous "That's no way to talk, she's your mum!" Giggling, she thumped him on the arm and they started to playfight until unable to cope, the swing tipped them both laughing in a heap on the grass. Turning from supervising Lissa 'weeding', Margaret looked over at them as they rolled around on the grass, and unexpectedly she found herself smiling. Becca seemed so happy, whatever reservations she'd had about the relationship she couldn't deny her daughter had blossomed over the last couple of years.
Visiting them in the tiny flat, when they came home from the hospital with Lissa, she'd let her feelings be known, God knows Jake wasn't the son in law she'd had in mind but at least they had somewhere decent to live and he was old enough to provide for Becca. Justin leapt to Becca's defence and the whole thing had snowballed to the point where she had got up to leave. Becca's tears had stopped them from carrying on and an uneasy peace reigned for the rest of the visit. She had never had any intention of remaining estranged from her eldest daughter and her only grandchild and if including him in the visits was the price she had to pay, she paid it willingly. She could see the attraction, but still it scandalised the neighbours when Becca came to stay. Things had turned frosty again when she learned they were marrying, "What's the rush" she pleaded on the phone. "It's what we want Mum, please say you'll come". It was a strange day, nothing at all like when Becca married Jake. Only the four of them, Becca, Justin, herself and some friend of his from college, nearly a year ago; she turned her attention back to Lissa who sat squinting at a fat worm wriggling in her fingers. She held it out "For Gran" she said.
Later as they lay in bed, breath returning, she stroked his face and broached the subject, "Mum's asked me to go see Nancy" His eyes were closed but she felt his body stiffen, "Why?" he asked. She rolled away onto her back and stared up at the ceiling, he propped himself up, looking down at her "Why? After all the grief she gave you, gave us, why would she ask you to rake it all back up again?" Annoyed he fell back onto the bed, "We don't need it Becca" He turned with his back to her and she lay there, looking at the ceiling. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had it but it was there again in a familiar spot, the feeling of unease. His breathing regular now, sleeping, she got up and walked out to the landing and looked into the small room adjacent to theirs, Lissa lay in a tangled heap of rabbit and blanket. Sorting out her daughter's sleepy body she thought about what she should do. Tucking her in with Rabbit, she stood for a while gazing down at her but lost in thought. Walking back from the bathroom, she heard her mother call softly "It's ok Mum it's only me, I needed a drink" Margaret stood at her bedroom door "Did you think any more about Nancy?" she asked. "I'll talk to you in the morning Mum, night" She walked back into the bedroom and closed the door.
Becca took the card from the receptionist and followed Justin with their bag to the lift. They'd been subdued for the rest of the drive, both of them shocked by the encounter and the secrets that had spilled out. She opened the door to their room and he followed her in, dropping the bag and falling onto the bed, eyes closed. She unzipped it, retrieved her dressing gown and went over to the bathroom, shutting the door and after a hesitant moment, locking it. As she lay in the bath she examined her body, her back felt bruised and sore, her legs scratched and aching, her neck tender. She lay there till the water went cold, listening to him moving about in the other room. She had thought they had nothing to hide from each other; had she been guilty of choosing to ignore his hurt at Liz's bitter condemnation of him, writing him off, his pain that Sophie wouldn't support them, his guilt at Mel's drinking no longer under control. She climbed out, wrapping herself in a towel and watching the water disappear.
When she unlocked the door, he was sitting there on the bed, waiting for her. He got up straight away and came across to her. He stood in front of her, not moving any closer, wary of her reaction, aware of her locking the door. "I'm sorry" he said "for everything, for not telling you how I felt about coming back here, about what was going on in here" he tapped his forehead "I'm sorry for what happened this afternoon..." Before he could say anymore she closed the distance between them and placed her hand over his mouth, gently. "I'm not" she said "I love you and I hadn't thought about what this was doing to you. I've been selfish, wrapped up in work, Lissa, Mum, Nancy. I took it for granted you'd come with me, be here for me, support me, It's all been about me and what I want. I'm sorry too that I haven't been there for you, that you couldn't tell me about them" She moved her hand away and kissed him, softly this time, and he responded. Slow gentle kisses, they moved to the bed and he slipped the towel away, pulling her down beside him. He held her close and they started the familiar dance of pleasure and passion.
Becca woke and heard the awful noise emanating from the bathroom. She giggled and pulled the pillow over her head, he was singing in the shower, tunelessly as usual. Unable to quite drown him out, Becca gave up the fight and sat up. Light was streaming in through a chink in the curtains. She looked across at the clock, eight fifteen. She lay back against the pillows, happiness seeping in everywhere, as did the light from the curtains. They were OK again; no more hiding from each other, no more secrets, peace seemingly achieved overnight. She closed her eyes and tried to recall it all, but the noise from the bathroom stopped and he came out into the bedroom wrapped in a towel, hair wet and bounded onto the bed next to her. "How's Lissa?" he asked "Have you rung yet?" He picked up her mobile from the bedside locker and peered at it. "I told Mum I'd ring her after I'd spoken to Nancy and she was going to ring me if there were any problems with Lissa" He leaned back against the pillows and picked up the menu from the side of the bed "So," he said "what shall we order, I'm starving!" "Nothing" she said firmly, tugging it out of his hands and placing it back on the locker, "I've got to get going". She climbed out of bed and padded over to the window, peering through the gap. Although early it was warm and sunny, promise of another hot day to come. "Spoilsport" he retorted but climbed off the bed and began rummaging in the bag, pulling out clothes and disappeared back into the bathroom to get dressed. The tuneless singing began again and she sat down on the bed and sighed. She had no idea how she was going to do this.
They left the hotel together, Justin heading off in search of breakfast. She watched him go then set off to walk to Nancy's flat. She checked the A-Z, getting lost a couple of times till eventually she found it, a small terraced house, subdivided from the numbers attached to the front door. It was slightly ajar so she pushed it open and walked in. Three doors led off a hallway, with stairs at the end leading to the upstairs. The house was quiet, nothing stirring, no sound of voices or evidence any of the rooms were occupied. She took the piece of paper from her pocket and checked the number Mum had given her, but before she could read it a voice behind her said "Becca?" She turned and there she was, holding a bag of groceries, keys dangling in her hand. "Hello Nancy" she said.
Nancy let them into the flat, room really, she realised. It was in darkness. Nancy dropped the keys on the table along with the bag and moved to the window drawing the curtains, the sudden light blinding them both. "So has she sent you to check on me?" "She's worried Nancy, we both are" Nancy fired a long cool look at her. "I bet you were" A statement shot through with venom. "Is he here too, the toyboy? Or has he finally come to his senses and left you for an even older woman?" This wasn't going to be easy she thought ruefully Oh God why did I come? "Justin's at the hotel. I thought it would be better for us to talk on our own" Nancy was putting the contents of the bag into a small fridge "Well, now you've seen me, you can go away happy and tell her she's not doing drugs, she's not shacked up with someone unsuitable, although what could be more unsuitable than a schoolboy son in law and she hasn't taken to drink" She shut the fridge door with a slam and glared at Becca. "What made you both think either of you has any right to come here and judge my life, take a long hard look at your own first"
"Mum just worries about you, living here on your own, she asked me to come here and put her mind at rest that's all. I know we'll never see eye to eye about what I did but Mum understands and she's accepted it"
"Yeah, you waved the sprog under her nose and she was all sweetness and light, didn't take her long to forget what you did to Jake, to me and then there's Dad" The bitterness in her voice made Becca wince. Wrong choices, she'd made lots of them but that weekend was possibly the worst. "I'm so sorry about that, I didn't know how ill he was going to be, if I'd have known..." "You'd have ditched the lover and taken me with you yeah yeah yeah" Nancy finished for her. "Well Becca it's too late now, I never got to see him, never got to say goodbye because you and him took that away from me and I'll never, ever forgive either of you and now I'd like you to leave please"
Becca made one more attempt, "Please give Mum a call, she'd love to hear from you and how you're doing. I know you're not going to forgive me but give Mum a break, she lost Dad and now she's lost you too" Nancy held the door open and she walked through it. She turned as Nancy was closing it behind her, "Please Nancy" She hesitated for a moment, and then nodded before finally closing it.
Back in the hotel she checked their room but there was no sign of Justin. She made a quick call to Mum, keeping it short she gave a varnished version of their conversation, "Oh she's fine Mum keeping well and busy and the flat's lovely, she's got everything just the way she likes it. She's doing well at college, keeping up with work, yeah Dad would be pleased! How's Lissa? Is she missing us? We thought we'd stay another night if that's OK and drive back tomorrow, Ok then Mum, 'Bye"
She put the phone down and looked around, there was one more thing she needed to do but first she had to find Justin. Following a hunch she walked along the river and through to the village. Sure enough he was sat on the bench outside what was once Drive 'n' Buy. She had a sudden flashback to the night they fled, how long ago that seemed. He looked up at her approach "Thought I might find you here" she smiled at him. He was lost in thought, memories too. He got up and came to her, put his arms around her waist and kissed her, hard. "That's for all the times I wanted to do that here and couldn't" he grinned, "Now Mrs Burton, what shall we do next" His good mood was infectious and she suddenly realised how hungry she was "How about we go to the Dog and get some lunch" she suggested. He grimaced, "Do you really want to bump into Frankie?" "I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about you" she replied "Come on" she tugged at his hand, "I'm starving!" He laughed and took her hand; they were still in this together.
Becca pushed open the door tentatively and peered inside, for all her bravado she didn't relish a scene with her ex-mother in law. It was quiet inside, two couples sat randomly in quiet conversation, a woman she didn't recognise behind the bar. She pushed the door open and pulled Justin in behind her. They walked over to the bar, Becca nervously surveying her surroundings. Memories of Dean/Osbourne family gatherings flooded back and she felt overwhelmed to be in here again. She was on the point of flight when he whispered in her ear "Of all the gin joints in all the world..." She dissolved into giggles and he grinned. What a fool she was being, time had moved on, they had moved on, she had nothing to fear in here. They ordered drinks and food and moved over to one of the booths. The barmaid brought over a plate of sandwiches and Becca tucked in, ravenous. Now, she thought was time to broach the subject while he was still in the good mood of earlier. "I rang Mum about Nancy" "How was she" he asked. "Oh same as ever" she replied breezily. Her nonchalance didn't fool him "That bad huh?" She carried on brightly "I told Mum we'd be back tomorrow" He looked at her sharply "Why?" "Because I think there's someone else we should see before we go home"
"No Becca!" His answer sounded out across the quiet pub, causing them to become the subject of scrutiny by the other couples. He lowered his voice but his answer remained the same, "No". "But this is a perfect opportunity for you to break the ice with them" she said "If you don't try, you'll never know"
He looked at her torn between anger at being manoeuvred into this and the anticipation of seeing them again. "I can't just walk back into their lives after three years, expect them to throw down the red carpet and welcome me with open arms. Do you know what Mum's last words to me were? You'll never amount to anything Jay, you're just trouble" His face closed up at memory but she took his hand and touched his face "All the more reason to go back and show her she was wrong Jay. You do amount to something. You once told me you were a loser and I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. Look at what you have, me, Lissa, a place at University. Look at how you worked that year before Lissa was born to keep us. You never gave up on us Jay and damn sure I'm not going to give up on you now" He sat back and considered her words, she'd braved the lions den today, how could he not do the same? "OK I'll do it but with one condition" "What?" she asked. "That my wife comes too."
They stood at the gate, looking at the house; it was a neat semi on a street of identically neat semis. Becca took his hand and the tension in him was palpable. She felt he was ready for flight any moment, terrified of what he was facing here. Keeping hold of his hand she pushed the gate open and he followed her to the door. Before she lost her own nerve she pressed the bell and waited. Nothing happened and she heard him let out his breath in a long relieved sigh "C'mon" he said "Lets go there's no-one home" As he made to turn and leave, the door opened and Sophie stood there, open mouthed. She let out a scream and launched herself at him "Jay!" She hugged him and bemused he put his arms round her and hugged her back, looking at Becca over her shoulder "Where did you spring from? How are you? When did you get here?" "Hang on a minute, one at a time" he laughed. He pushed her away from him, took a long look and then hugged her again. She threw Becca a cool glance and invited them both in. "Mum" she called from the foot of the stairs "Mum, come down we've got visitors" Becca sat on one of the two sofas positioned across from the stairs. More deja vue, she remembered times in the Burton house at the beginning. Looking across at Jay she could see he was thinking the same and she blushed. Sophie was bustling through to the kitchen "Would you like a drink?" she called and without waiting for a reply disappeared. Water running, she filled the kettle and returned to living room perching on the sofa arm next to Jay. "So, how's things?" she asked as if they'd only been absent for a while. Becca could see that he was confused by the warmth of her greeting. He hadn't said much back then but what he had told her was that Sophie condemned her and refused to sanction their relationship. "We've missed you" she added softly. She got up and returned to the kitchen reappearing with four cups, offering them around. "Is Mum here then?" he asked. "She's upstairs, I'll call her again" "There's no need" came a voice from the stairs "I'm here now" Liz descended the last few steps and looked at them both. "Where shall we start" she asked.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Justin walked slowly along the sand, stopping every now and again to allow Lissa to drop her newly found 'treasure' into the brightly coloured bucket. So far, this consisted of small shells, smooth pieces of glass worn by the waves and a number of interestingly shaped coloured pebbles. He smiled at her excitement with each discovery. He looked back in Becca's direction; they had come a long way, him and Lissa. He called her to him and they began the slow promenade back towards her, his limp more pronounced now on the return.
Becca sat up at their approach and pulled up her sunglasses, glancing down at Lissa now happily extracting the treasures from the bucket and placing them in patterns on the sand. "Is it hurting?" she asked, he nodded and sat down on the adjoining sun bed. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. He swung his legs up and lay back, "You shouldn't have gone gallivanting with Lissa! What did the doctor say – rest it whenever possible!" Her concern was mixed with annoyance at his total disregard for his own wellbeing. "You've only had the plaster off a week and you're supposed to be resting it" There it was, that infuriating grin, eyes closed. "That's not what you said to me last night" Becca had the grace to blush, leaned back and retreated behind her sunglasses.
He opened his eyes and looked across at the two of them, so beautiful. What had he done he thought to deserve them both? Since that disastrous visit to Chester, Becca had fussed around him, worried that the mental and physical toll had been too much. He'd had a bad feeling about it from the moment they'd left Becca's mums place. His mind sheared away from that memory and he smiled at Lissa as she buried Rabbit up to his neck in sand. He was a parent now, a good one he hoped but his insecurities plagued him everyday. Treacherously, a memory sneaked by his defences, a day at the beach, Mel and Sophie helping Dad to cover him in sand, Mum laughing, shouting encouragement. He shut it down and closed his eyes against the bright sunlight. When he opened them again Becca was inscrutable behind her sunglasses, Lissa was busily constructing sand mountains around the imprisoned Rabbit, and so he let his mind wander back into the past.
When had he known there was truly hope? Was it when she wouldn't give up on him with the schoolwork? Or that nanosecond of their first kiss when she didn't push him away? He wasn't sure and it no longer mattered, she was here with him now, they had a child and they had weathered storms that would have sunk others. The pain is his foot faded and he leaned up and rubbed it, a sorry souvenir of their trip. Drifting back again to the memories, he recalled her face that night at the school, suddenly so full of hope and laughter, taking flight in high heels. It could all have ended there he thought, she could have gone back in to Jake and carried on her life as if they had never been. He pushed himself then to think of that day, Mum at the foot of the stairs, could he have handled it differently?
"Where shall we start" she asked and moved over to the sofa opposite Becca, looking straight at Jay "Will it be the bit where you seduced my fifteen year old son or will it be the point when he abandoned his family for a woman who should have known better" Jay looked frightened and appalled at his mother's bitter tone. Becca looked at her, a shell of the person she remembered. Her trademark blonde locks unkempt and fastened back, her clothes untidy and mis-matched. Sophie coming to her rescue asked "Becca, why don't you help me in the kitchen with these?" indicating the empty mugs. Becca took the hint and left them alone. "So", Liz began, staring at him, "You've decided to crawl back have you?" "Mum, it's not like that. I just thought..." "You just thought if you left it long enough I'd just forgive and forget was that it?" "Listen, Mum..." he started desperately, "I always wanted to see you, you just made it plain when I rang we weren't welcome" Liz just looked at him, "Come with me" she said "Let me show you how this family is" Jay followed her to the foot of the stairs apprehensive about what was about to be revealed. He followed her up to the landing and waited for a moment while she pushed open one of the bedroom doors. Inside it was dark although it was after midday. Liz flicked the light switch, illuminating the room and causing the body prone on the bed to groan and move. "Say "Hi" to your sister Jay, I'm sure you've got lots to catch up on" Jay looked in horror at Mel, blinking in the bright light, hurling abuse at them to turn it off and get out. She was unkempt and haggard, obviously hung over.
Justin shook his head as if by doing so he could dislodge the memory, the horror of Mel's pitiful state. He looked down at Lissa's blonde head and called her name; she dropped the spade and toddled over to him. She climbed onto his lap, crawled up his chest and put her arms around his neck, sprinkling sand over his bare chest. He felt her breathing against him and held her tight, "What's wrong?" Lissa's movements had disturbed Becca and she immediately sat up "Nothing" he said "We're fine, aren't we?" In answer Lissa leaned away from him and nodded solemnly, making both him and Becca giggle. Becca got up and whisked her off Justin "Come on" she said "Let's leave Daddy in peace and go and find some ice cream" He watched them walk away up the beach, Lissa swinging on Becca's hand. What had turned Mel from the happy girl he remembered to the booze soaked wreck he'd been shown? He thought about Lissa and how he would fight to prevent anything happening to her.
He fled downstairs, Liz following slowly. "'Welcome to Hell' it should say" as she gestured towards the front door, "Between the screaming, fighting, throwing up, evicting whatever unsavoury drinking partner she's dragged back to spend the night and trying to keep this roof over our head,s life's been just peachy Jay" She sat down heavily on the sofa, looking vulnerable for the first time. He chanced an opening "Mum why didn't you tell me, I could've helped..." The vulnerability disappeared, fury replacing it "Do you have any idea what it was like for us here after you left? The finger pointing, the snide remarks, people at work looking at me as if I'd been the one cradle snatching!" Becca standing in the kitchen doorway visibly flinched at the remark, but forced herself to walk back into the living room. Liz swivelled her gaze in Becca's direction "I meant every word Jay, trouble is your middle name, is that why you're back now, some new mess that needs sorting?" Before he could speak Becca intervened, "We came to show you we're not ashamed or embarrassed about what we did. We want to try and make you all understand, it wasn't a fling or some kind of crisis, we love each other, we're married, and we have a child now. I'm working and Jay's..." "Trapped" she screamed before Becca could complete the sentence, "Was that your plan?" Becca was stunned, Jay stood up and took her hand. "We're in this together Mum, I thought I could make you see how we are together but we're wasting our breath here, C'mon Becca let's go" Becca resisted the tug on her hand and he looked at her puzzled. "No!" she said "We can't leave it like this!" He looked at his mother, sunken on the sofa, "I don't think we can achieve anything else here do you?" He walked back over to Sophie and gave her a hug "I'll ring you sis if that's OK?" She hugged him back "Keep in touch" she kissed him on the cheek and walked over to Liz still slumped on the sofa, "It's been hard on her you know, what with Mel and everything" "Let me know if you need anything" his voice trailed off What could he offer they hadn't already tried, Mel had drained them all. Becca followed him to the door, "'Bye Mum" He paused, drew his wallet from his back pocket and opened it. He extracted a worn photograph; it was from their wedding day, him Becca and a sleeping Lissa. He placed it on the table, "Her name's Lissa" he said quietly as he opened the door "I think she looks like you"
Justin opened his eyes, searching the beach for them and checking his watch, they'd been gone fifteen minutes. It didn't take this long usually, Lissa choosing the most brightly coloured one in the freezer and Becca bringing bottled water back for them both. Suddenly he caught sight of them, Becca lurching on the sand from the weight of Lissa and the bag she was carrying. Dropping Lissa down onto the sand, she grinned at him "She chooses her moments to decide she's too tired to walk!" Jay grabbed the bag from her "You shouldn't be carrying her and that" he gestured to the bag. He dropped it on the sand next to her and pushed her gently down on the sunbed "Sit down and rest" "Oh Justin, stop fussing I'm ok I'm..." "Pregnant, not ill" he finished for her. She smiled at him "Exactly!" He crouched down in front of her, "I do worry you know, what with everything that's happened" She stroked his face, "I know this was a surprise but you are pleased aren't you?" He answered her in the same way he did every day when she asked the question, "Yes, I'm just sorry about the way it happened" She placed her hand over his mouth "And I told you before, I'm not" He put his arms around her and pulled her close.
Later when they were back at the apartment and Lissa was sleeping in the small extra bed, they sat out on the balcony sipping drinks and listening to the sounds drifting up from the streets below. "Reminds me of our old place" he laughed and Becca smiled, the noises and smells reminiscent of Nico's. In the beginning the flat above the takeaway had been a refuge but after she got the teaching job, they could afford a bigger place, a garden flat where Lissa could play and they felt like a real couple, not refugees. Becca's job had meant finishing his A levels and getting his college place, how would they cope now with another child on the way? He pushed the niggles to the back of his mind, this holiday, last minute as it was, was meant to relax the pair of them after all.
Becca leaned back in her chair and looked at him "How's the foot now?" The progress from the beach had been slow, not only because Lissa wanted to look in every gaudy shop window at seaside paraphernalia. He avoided her gaze and lied "S'fine" "Liar!" she responded amicably. He looked at her then and grinned "Never was able to fool you, was I?" She shook her head in mock anger and moved round the table to perch on his knee. She put her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear "Because I know you so well!" He held her tightly till she squirmed. He was apologetic "Sorry!" She pulled away from him then "What's wrong Jay, you've been in a strange mood all day?" He thought about lying again but gave it up as a bad job, she could see through him, she always could. "I've been thinking bout Mum, Mel, the accident, you, Lissa, the baby, just about everything" She hugged him, "I thought we'd decided there was nothing we could do to help Mel, she's got to do it for herself, nobody else" "But I want to do something Becca, she's a wreck and I feel guilty I wasn't there to help more..." They sat in silence for a while, and his mind drifted back again to that day.
They walked away down the path. Justin felt numb, he had thought it would be bad and it had exceeded his expectations. Mel wrecked beyond repair, Mum as he could never have imagined her, only Sophie safe and sane. He heard a voice calling out to him, then black. When next he was aware he could hear Becca, as if from a distance, sobbing and saying his name over and over. At first he thought he was floating above ground but surely when you floated it didn't feel bumpy, did it? Another jolt brought a wave of pain and descent into blackness. When he opened his eyes again Becca was sitting by his bed, red eyed and weepy. "Where am I?" he croaked. God, his throat felt parched. She looked over at him "Don't ever do that again!" she shook the hand she was holding tightly "Don't ever leave me like that" She seemed close to tears again. "What's going on, what happened?" All he could remember was being at Mum's again and hearing her scream at him "You walked out in front of a car Jay! I shouted you, but you just carried on walking, like you meant to do it" He was shocked, he couldn't recall any of that, had he really meant to end it, like Ali but not like him? He felt himself drifting off "Don't leave me Becca..." She gripped his hand as he lost consciousness.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Leaving Becca to finish their packing, he took Lissa for one last trip to the beach. She settled happily and he sat and watched her digging in the sand, ducking the occasional spadeful flying his way. He studied her face, concentration making her frown; She stopped for a moment and gave him a huge grin, then carried on making the hole deeper, ready for burying her treasures in. He wondered if Liz had ever looked at the photograph he left, comparing it to his and the twins baby photographs. It was his last clear memory of that day. The rest of it was a blur interspersed with things Becca had told him, how he'd walked out and onto the road with out looking, her shouts before the car hit. She told him about sitting in the road holding his hand while she and the shocked driver waited what seemed like years for the ambulance to arrive. He told her about floating and she thought this must have been when they stretchered him into the ambulance. She told him then about the long wait for him to regain consciousness. In all he'd been lucky, mild concussion, bruised ribs and a fractured ankle which was still causing him pain two months later. Becca had tried contacting Liz and Sophie without success, so she had been his sole visitor during his few days in hospital, torn between him and Lissa still at her mother's.
Checking his watch he persuaded Lissa to give up her digging in favour of something to eat and they wandered down the beach to the small café/bar where he ordered juice and a sandwich for Lissa and a beer for himself. He watched her eat, making crumbs over the table and checked his watch again. He'd promised Becca to keep out of the way till the packing was done, something they argued over. Becca carefully folding clothes while he flung in his as soon as her back was turned. Lissa finished and was trying to feed what was left to a solitary sparrow hopping about the decking. He picked her up and headed back in the direction of the apartment but Lissa fretted at missing all her favourite windows so he was obliged to set her down and progress slowly as she looked and pointed to all the brightly coloured balls, buckets and spades. Finally reaching the apartment, it was all quiet with no sign of Becca; perhaps she'd headed out for some last minute shopping he thought but there was the half packed case on the bed, not like her at all. He checked the balcony but that was bare. Lissa was bouncing up and down on her bed shouting to him. He picked her and looked around the room again; it was unusual for her to leave anyplace this way, their bed unmade. He'd joked with her about not trusting the maid to do it right. He put Lissa down and made one final sweep of the room, his eyes suddenly drawn to bathroom door slightly ajar. He had a sudden premonition; distracting Lissa with Rabbit he walked over and pushed it open. She lay sprawled behind it, her eyes closed her, hair spread out across the floor. "Becca! Becca!" He knelt down and picked her up, carrying her to the bed. Lissa tried to join in thinking this was some new game devised by them to entertain her, pulling at her mother's hand on the bed and shouting. Panic stricken he grabbed the phone that connected them with the reception desk streets away in the other block; when it answered he garbled the message and had to repeat himself over. The next hour was a blur, the receptionist carrying Lissa away to the crèche, the ambulance men prompt and efficient carrying Becca down to the waiting ambulance and whisking them at speed through the narrow streets and out to the outskirts and the main hospital. He paced and sat alternately in the waiting area, springing to his feet whenever anyone looking remotely official passed through. After a couple of hours a tired looking doctor in blue scrubs came through the double doors and walked over to him. "Mr Burton? I'm Dr Ruiz, I'm treating your wife" his English impeccable "How is she, is she ok, what's wrong?" the questions tumbled out rapidly the anxiety of the last few hours making him stumble over his words. "Did you know about the pregnancy?" He nodded "Yes but she's only weeks..." Had she lost the child? Before he could form the next question the doctor had one of his own. "Do you know the term ectopic?" he asked, Justin shook his head. The doctor sighed "It's where the baby grows in the tube connecting the ovary to the womb, undetected it can be fatal" The doctor's word hit him like cold water, "How is she, where is she? Can I see her?" "We've just moved her to Intensive care, I'm afraid by the time she reached us the tube had burst and caused internal bleeding, we've done our best to repair the damage but she's lost a lot of blood" "What about the baby?" The doctor shook his head "There's never any hope of survival for an ectopic foetus, I'm sorry" He took hold of Justin's arm "Just concentrate on your wife" he said "The next few hours are crucial"
Jay noticed the nurse hovering at Dr Ruiz's elbow; the doctor also becoming aware of her presence turned and held a rapid conversation with her in Spanish. "What?" he demanded frustratedly. Dr Ruiz turned back to him, "Nothing to get alarmed about Mr Burton, this nurse will take you up to sit with your wife" He followed her through the double doors and up several sets of stairs till he was thoroughly lost. They moved through a final set of double doors and there she was. He moved as if in a dream and stood at the end of her bed, she was pale and her eyes were closed. He moved round the bed and sat down. He picked up her hand and looked at the band on her finger, remembering her face that day in the tiny jewellers. Arguing that she should have something new, Becca had been adamant she wanted this ring with its own history, a token between long-dead lovers and finally he agreed on the delicate silver band engraved with leaves. He twisted it round her finger, then held her hand tightly. He'd fought long and hard to win her, now all he could do was will her to come back to him.
Morning found him slumped forward in the chair, head on the bed, her hand still firmly clamped in his. He sat up quickly bleary eyed, ashamed of sleeping. He looked at her, her breathing regular underneath the mask and her eyes still closed. He looked around but all the nurses seemed intent on tasks around the four other beds in the room. He desperately tried to catch the eye of the nearest one and hoped she spoke English. "Please" he croaked his voice dry with fear "How is she?" The nurse picked up the chart from the end of the bed and read it. "No change" she said in accented English, smiling at him encouragingly and moved back to the patient in the adjoining bed. What did that mean? Was it good that she was no better or worse than yesterday? He sat and held her hand the rest of that long morning, talking and talking. All the things they would do once she was well, how Lissa would be missing her now but they could make it up to her while she recovered.
By lunchtime he had talked himself to a standstill and was also beginning to worry about Lissa. The doctor came at one and after checking Becca told him to go back to the apartment, eat, sleep, change clothes and come back in the evening. Although loathe to leave her he needed to see Lissa and tell Margaret the news. Reluctantly he agreed and set off back by taxi to the apartment. Lissa's obvious joy at his appearance in the crèche made it difficult for him to leave her again and go back to sit with Becca. He took her back to their apartment and while she played happily with Rabbit, he rang Becca's mother.
Keeping an eye on Lissa he washed and changed his clothes, sleep out of the question. He spoke to the girl on reception about finding someone to look after her while he returned to the hospital. Lissa wailed as he left the crèche but he gritted his teeth and carried on walking. He had to get back and Lissa's distress at being left would be short-lived once Margaret arrived. She'd managed to get a flight early tomorrow morning and would arrive around lunchtime. He quickly found a taxi and gave the driver the address. It was early evening and progress was slow as tourists poured out onto the streets in search of evening entertainment. Finally he arrived and ran to the main desk; it took what seemed hours to get directions back to the Intensive Care Unit. As he pushed through the final set of doors, to his horror Becca's bed was empty. He grabbed hold of the nearest nurse, panic making him garble the words and she looked at him uncomprehending. Another nurse taking pity on him came over so he repeated the question "Mrs Burton" he pointed at the bed "Where is she?" "A crisis" she replied "She's back in surgery, we'll have more news soon" She gave his arm a reassuring shake and went back to tending her patient. He sank onto the chair by Becca's bed feeling bereft. He couldn't lose her, not now. He waited what seemed like a lifetime until suddenly the doors swung open and she was wheeled in, nurses transferring her from the stretcher back onto the bed. He couldn't get near her until all the drips and monitors had been reattached. Satisfied she was stable the doctor moved over to Justin and began to explain what had happened. "She began bleeding again internally; she's lost a lot of blood. We've managed to stop it but she'll need to stay in the Intensive Care Unit and be monitored." He felt panic rise in him again and forced it down. He felt powerless, some of it must have showed in his face for the doctor smiled at him "I believe the worst is over but we'll keep a close eye on her, don't worry!" He sat down by her side and held her hand; he lifted it up and kissed the palm keeping his eyes on her face, "Don't leave me Becca, not now not ever. Please..."
CHAPTER NINE
Becca's recovery was slow, so it was three weeks before they returned home, three weeks after he'd found her. He'd lived at the hospital for days once he no longer had the apartment. One relief had been Margaret flying in to visit her then collecting Lissa and flying home two days later when it was clear Becca was on the mend. He glanced at her face, sat beside him in the taxi, she was pale and unsmiling, and tired he guessed. He paid the taxi off and carried their bags to the front door, fumbling in his jacket for the keys, Becca standing shivering behind him. He let them in and fussed around, picking up the post piled high behind the door, drawing back the curtains and opening a couple of windows. The flat had a cold neglected feel to it, so he bustled about trying to inject some cheeriness into the dismal atmosphere. They had hardly spoken on the return trip Becca's mood not encouraging conversation. They spent the next few days moving around the flat avoiding talking about anything of importance. They bought groceries, arranged to see friends, organised Margaret's trip down to return Lissa. Things were back to normal almost except for this huge gulf between them and he didn't know how to bridge it. Even Lissa's return, joyful though it was, did little to fill the chasm between them. Becca still had leave from work but term resumed for him and he found it hard to concentrate. He had felt separate from his classmates before being the only one married with a child. He had different priorities, responsibilities. Now here too the gulf seemed wider as they joked about deadlines, parties, relationships, he felt isolated here as well as at home. He came home early one afternoon, a lecture unexpectedly cancelled. He'd stopped to buy flowers to surprise her and hoped somehow it would help end the rift between them. He opened the door and heard her on the phone. He dropped his bag and carried the flowers through to the living room. She had vanished into the bedroom and he could hear her moving about. He looked in but to his amazement she was pulling clothes from the wardrobe and placing them in a case. "Becca? What are you doing?" She looked up from placing a jumper on top of the pile in the case. "I'm going to Mum's" "We can go at the weekend and take Lissa" he offered "No Justin" she paused "I'm leaving" He looked at her, staggered at her words. "What?" Had he heard her right? She was leaving, just like that? He looked at her "You don't mean it, you're still tired, let's have an early night and we can talk about things" "You're not listening to me Justin. I've thought about nothing else since I came home from the hospital, I need some..." she considered what to say next "...some space" She closed the case and fastened it. He didn't know what to say, she was leaving and he couldn't get the words out to make her stay. "What about us, what about Lissa, please don't go we can talk, talk about everything?" "I'm taking Lissa with me, please Justin, just let me go. I need some time to figure things out and I can't do it here!" She gestured to the corner of the room. He'd left it there! He was an idiot! "I'll take it down, I promise, just please don't go?" How could he not have noticed it? Before they left for Spain he'd resurrected Lissa's basket, intending to refurbish it for the new baby. She picked up the bag and pushed past him in the doorway but he made no move to stop her. As the door shut he slumped to the floor, head on his knees. The flowers unattended lay wilting on the table.
CHAPTER TEN
Justin stood at the gate and hesitated. He'd visited Margaret's place so many times but always with Becca and Lissa as an invited guest. Now he was an intruder but he couldn't wait any longer. The days after she left were a blur, somehow he'd got up, gone to college, eaten meals, completed work, slept. He'd felt like he was walking along the edge of an abyss, he focused on putting one foot in front of the other, one look down and he would fall into it and there would be no way back. He rang several times and Margaret let him speak to Lissa but Becca was never there. Christmas was hard, he kept tripping over her toys still strewn about the flat, he couldn't bear to tidy them away knowing they wouldn't be pulled out again the next day. It felt like she'd just gone for a walk with Becca and they'd be falling through the door any moment laughing and talking. He kept looking in shop windows, seeing something he thought she'd like then remembering she was gone and the misery would wash through him in waves like actual pain.
Spring came and Lissa's birthday. He knew he should stay away but he couldn't, his willpower waning. He'd no pride left, he needed her and he had to let her know. He put the bag down, unzipped it and pulled out a brightly wrapped package. He closed the bag, picked it up and pushed through the gate and up to the front door. There was no answer to his knock so he walked around the house towards the garden. The sight that greeted him took his breath away, Margaret and Lissa were pottering about amongst the flowers, Becca was sat on the garden swing talking animatedly to Jake. Lissa spotting him standing there squealed "Daddy!" and ran over to him. He dropped the bag and the gift and swung her up into the air. Holding her close as she came down, he looked at the three adults and took in their reactions. Margaret stared open mouthed, Jake had stood up, embarrassed and Becca, Becca still sat on the swing watching him.
He let Lissa down and crouched in front of her "Here this is for you" and gave her the package. She sat down on the grass totally absorbed in opening it oblivious of the tension in the rest of them. "Justin!" called Margaret "Come inside, bring your bag" She motioned for him to follow her into the house; Becca remained seated on the swing, face inscrutable. Jake slowly followed. In the kitchen Margaret bustled about making small talk to cover the deepening silence. Justin leaned against the counter top and studied Jake. The last time he'd seen him Lissa was a babe in arms, and Becca had sent him packing. What was doing here now and why was he so at home? Jake returned his gaze, he too saw a difference. Here now was a man, not a sixteen year old boy, a man with a wife and child. He opened the conversation "Did it take you long to get here?" Justin eyed him up, the same insolent expression that had always irritated him and made his fists twitch. "Longer than you by the looks of things" Lissa prevented the inevitable confrontation by rushing into the kitchen at that moment to show him her new toy. He picked her up and they admired it together, two blond heads indistinguishable. Jake felt a pang of jealousy, he could just stroll in and they were all over him Lissa, Margaret. Becca was keeping her distance though and that pleased him. He left the kitchen and rejoined her on the swing. "You didn't tell me he was coming" "I didn't know" she replied quietly. He looked at her, he'd felt uncomfortable on that first trip when Nancy had bullied him into visiting, little realising Becca was back at home. Her matchmaking nearly backfiring when he discovered he'd been set up and Becca's obvious embarrassment at his presence. But gradually over the months they rediscovered friendship and he hoped something more. "What will you tell him?" he asked. "I don't know" she said sounding wistful, he looked at her sharply, but she had replaced her sunglasses and was once again inscrutable.
Inside Justin quizzed Margaret about Jake, she fielded his questions and told him to talk to Becca, he looked at the open kitchen door, "But she doesn't want to talk to me" he murmured. She was in no hurry to come in, to hear what he had to say and he was so nervous he wanted to postpone the moment. At least she hadn't ordered him out of the house; he was perplexed at Jake's presence and the obvious ease with which he'd fitted in here. He wanted to know more before he revealed any of his feelings to her. Lissa was tugging at him, pulling him out into the garden to show off the rest of her presents and tell him about her party. He allowed her to lead him out, but there was no sign of either Becca or Jake, the swing was deserted. He remembered that day last summer when they'd last been here all together, tumbling on the grass with her. He shut it out, and chased after Lissa till they collapsed in a squealing heap on the grass.
Becca watched them unobserved from her bedroom window, Jake had tried to persuade her to accompany him to the pub but she was in no mood to fathom with Jake, of all people why he was here out of the blue. Her emotions were all over the place, she thought she'd managed to distance herself from him, from those feelings but now her stomach churned as it had in the beginning when the thought of not seeing him had been an agony, and Jake was an obstacle not a ...What was he now, a..., a confidant? Why was her life always so complicated? It had seemed such a logical step last September, move out and let them both recover rather than stay and let the guilt drive them mad, tearing at one another till there was nothing left. Here she had peace but life was grey, there were no highs, no lows, no passion. She sighed, passion was all very well but it was tiring and she felt comfortable with Jake. She knew he was looking for more from her and she had fallen back into his life as if she had never left. In the beginning he had been content with crumbs but now he was pushing for more and she knew Justin's arrival would panic him. Perhaps she should talk to him, she knew she wasn't ready yet to talk to Justin and he was busy with Lissa. She moved away from the window and picked up her jacket.
Finally Justin persuaded her to come inside; Margaret had set the table and was busily stirring something on the hob. It smelt good and he realised how hungry he was, he grinned at Lissa "C'mon lets go wash your hands before dinner" She looked back at him with that same stubborn Burton face and scooted out of his reach and out of the kitchen. Some things hadn't changed at all he thought ruefully, as he set off after her. After overseeing the hand washing, complete with sulks he went back to the kitchen leaving Lissa stomping around the room with her best I'm ignoring you face on. Margaret was still at the hob but stirring absentmindedly. She looked over at him, "You are intending to stay tonight I hope?" This surprised him, he knew she'd never been a fan of their relationship and he didn't think that she would encourage him to stay. "Yes, if that's ok?" he replied. She gave him a strange look "You can't just drop in and out of that child's life, she needs a father" He resisted the urge to shout, Becca took her away! Becca left! But he felt she meant more by that than just Lissa. He sat down and regarded Margaret in a new light; perhaps he did have an ally here tonight after all.
Becca pushed open the door of The Lamb and looked around for Jake. It was early and midweek so the lounge was bare of customers. She tried the public bar and there he was, sat nursing a glass, watching an elderly couple studiously ignore one another at the next table. She passed them and spoke, "Hello Mr Winshaw, Mrs Winshaw" They neither acknowledged her nor replied. She sat down next to Jake, "I'm still the Scarlet Woman around here I see" Jake looked bemused and she was suddenly reminded of that day in the Dog and Justin lightening the mood with a joke. Damn him! He was back in her head and she needed to stay clear, focus on what she wanted and to try and make amends with Jake for his sudden appearance. "I didn't plan this you know, both of you being here" "Didn't you?" his tone bitter. "Of course not! I had no idea he intended to bring Lissa's present in person." Jake took another swig of his drink and she suddenly wondered how many he'd had. "Let's go back?" she asked. Jake shook his head "You want him here don't you?" he asked. She looked at him "I don't know Jake, I thought not but now..." "Be honest with me Becca, please?" She looked down at the table and he thought she wasn't going to answer, but then she looked at him again. She'd never told him this before, it would be so difficult after this but she did owe him the truth. "Every time I see him it's like the first time I knew I loved him, that night of the hen party when I thought he was the one who'd died. When I saw him at the hospital it was all I could do not to put my arms around him and tell him how much. Afterwards I put it down to the drink and the emotion, but in here..." she tapped her heart "I knew" He looked down at his drink "So, why did you marry me then?" "I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I could overcome it, I thought I loved you enough to" "But you went to him anyway" He sounded more resigned than angry, "Not for a long time, Jake" she reached across and touched his arm "Believe me" she looked earnest "I didn't do it lightly" It was the first time they'd talked about it, her affair. The divorce had been on irreconcilable grounds, Jake agreeing not to push for adultery. He'd been reasonable about it in the end finally accepting she'd never return. He realised that it had been an illusion, this second chance. All she needed was a shoulder to cry on, a familiar one. Justin's reappearance had shown him that. "Chalk another one up to Burton" he didn't realise he'd said it out loud, "I'm not going back to him Jake, but I don't see a future for us either" she added sadly. "I really appreciate all you've done for me..." She didn't need to say any more. He finished his drink, "If you don't mind I think I'll head off now, don't want to hang around and watch" "Jake, you can't drive all the way back to Chester!" she said alarmed. "Why not? I'm not going to watch that, that..." he couldn't think of any expletive that could fully describe Burton. "What do you care? Do us all a favour if I just ran off the road" She could see he was pityingly drunk and played along. "How about you walk me home first, Jake" He seemed to have decided to co-operate with her and staggered to his feet. She followed him out of the door and wondered how she came to be in this mess.
Justin woke from a doze as they came staggering through the door, he jumped up to help and between them they managed to manoeuvre Jake onto the sofa, where he collapsed in a heap. Becca pulled him till he was horizontal then moved down to his feet and removed his shoes. He watched her trying to understand if this was just friendly concern or more but it was difficult to tell. He realised that they hadn't yet spoken a word to each though he'd been in the house a couple of hours. "Where's Mum?" she asked. "She took Lissa off to bed and I think she went herself" Jake started to snore, which diffused the tension and made her giggle. He stood there, mouth frozen, he'd got so much to say and he was tongue-tied. Finally she said "Lissa loved the doll, you didn't need to bring her anything else" I needed a reason to be here he thought but still his mouth wouldn't work. She looked over at Jake "He'll be ok there; I'll find him a blanket." She disappeared from the kitchen reappearing moments later with a throw and proceeded to carefully cover him up. She stood up, glanced down at him, then over at Justin. "I'm going to bed, 'Night!" and she was gone, his chance missed. He stared at Jake sleeping opened mouthed. What happened? He'd rehearsed endlessly all the things he would say to try and persuade her to return but she'd managed to avoid giving him any opportunity to use them. She'd preferred to spend the evening with Jake rather than resolve their differences. He felt deeply depressed by the afternoon's events and wondered whether he shouldn't just give up and return home. He'd have to think about access to Lissa and the thought of legalities depressed him further. A sudden noise made him turn and look back at the doorway but this time it was Margaret. "Becca gone to bed?" she asked, moving over to the kettle and shaking it to gage the contents before flicking the switch. "Mmmm" he replied. "I don't know why I came" he admitted "I think I should just go" "No!" she said firmly "not yet" He was startled, Margaret had rarely approved of anything they did or him in particular. Having made a drink she sat down and looked at Jake snoring on the kitchen sofa, "He never made her happy; Charles told me he thought she was close to calling it off on her wedding day, though I never believed him" You'll never know how close, he thought wryly. "I never approved of her behaviour, the way she left him, but I could see how happy she was with you, could still be happy with you." He thought for a moment he hadn't heard her right, she was finally giving her approval? "Go up there and talk to her before it's too late, before you give up on something that doesn't come along too often. Charles would have liked you Justin, he liked fighters." Her gaze lingered on Jake. "She's my daughter and she's stubborn, doesn't listen to advice but you should. Don't give up." With that she placed her cup in the sink and left the kitchen. He sat stunned, what if she rejected him? At least if he left there'd always be a possibility but if he went up there and she said no... He shook his head, no, he was best slinking out into the night leaving her behind. Jake snored loudly, turning and muttering in his sleep. He had a flashback to that Christmas night when she'd left Jake snoring on the sofa and come to him, she'd been brave enough to act on her feelings then, he needed the same kind of courage to climb those stairs and find out. He stood at the bottom, looking up, it was now or never. He started to climb.
Becca almost ran up the stairs, she'd managed to keep her cool while they sorted out Jake but the moment all the practical things were done she'd bolted out of the kitchen like a lovesick sixteen year old, Justin would have appreciated the irony! Jake would wake up with a thumping head and a broken heart again, but she knew that if continued letting him believe she returned his feelings it would've been the second biggest mistake of her life. What was the first? Marrying him or going to Justin that Christmas night? What would she say to them both in the morning? She suddenly felt like bolting again. She began undressing and when she was ready for bed she walked out onto the landing, pausing briefly to look in on Lissa. She walked back from the bathroom deep in thought, what was this doing to Lissa being separated from her father? She'd thought about how they'd been together this afternoon, Lissa adored him and Justin? She knew how much it must have hurt him to be parted from her for this long. She shut the bedroom door and moved over to the bedside table and rummaged in her bag. There it was, a picture in her wallet of him holding Lissa when she was only a few minutes old. She remembered his grin that truly ran from ear to ear, captured in that moment. She stroked his face in the picture but suddenly startled by a noise behind her she dropped the photo and turned.
He opened the bedroom door, took a deep breath and walked in. She was standing by the bed, her back to him. She turned and looked at him without speaking. So far so good he thought, he closed the door leaning against it but not moving any closer to her. "Justin?" she spoke softly, "I don't..." "Sshh" he said "Just listen" He undressed slowly, taking off his shirt, his jeans and his underwear till he stood before her naked. "What are you doing..." she began but again he sshhed her "Just listen to me, please?" He took another deep breath, "Look at me, I'm naked here. I'm not hiding anything, this is the way you make me feel like there isn't any part of me, body or soul that I can't share with you. Isn't that how soulmates are supposed to be? That when we're apart it feels like, like this piece of me is missing, and when we're together I can't tell where I end and you begin. I haven't felt whole since you left and I'm dying inside Becca. Tell me if you feel the same, if there's any hope? I want us to be together but if you don't, I'll get dressed and I'll go." She had felt his eyes on her face the whole time, she felt the tears start to roll down her cheeks, she heard his words and felt the pull between them that she thought had been lost, only it had just been hiding, hurt scared and lonely. She didn't say anything for a moment. Justin held his breath afraid to speak and break the spell. She moved her hands to her shoulders and as she pushed the straps away and let the nightgown fall to the floor, he let the breath out slowly. She walked over to him, standing close. He didn't dare to move, unsure of what to do next. He'd hadn't thought beyond this point, couldn't bring himself to contemplate the outcome either way. She took his hands "I never stopped loving you; I just couldn't deal with..." "The baby?" he asked "Yes that and..." she looked at him "Your guilt" Confused he asked her "My guilt?" "I knew you always felt guilty about the way I got pregnant, you felt you'd hurt me but you forgot I was trying to hurt you too that day, we were both guilty. You felt guilty about leaving me that day, and I've felt guilty about not telling you about how ill I felt that day" Staggered at her confession he took a step back "You knew? You didn't tell me? Oh Becca, I could've..." She stopped him "What? Saved me? It was always going to end badly, the doctors told me that. I just couldn't deal with your pain as well as my own. Having this time here with Mum, Nancy ... Jake." He moved back closer to her, "Do you love him?" he asked her softly, steeling himself for her reply. "No, not in the way you mean, he's just been a... friend" she emphasised the last word. "I loved him once long ago, but you, Justin Burton, you possess me body and soul" and with that she leaned in and kissed him, not softly or gently but with all the passion she'd held back over the last few months. He wrapped himself around her and kissed her back. He gently pushed her towards to the bed. He had a moment's hesitation "Are you sure?" he asked and in that moment when he thought of her she knew her answer "I've never been surer of anything in my life, I want you" He bent his head and carried on kissing her.
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