The day I decided to start doing this is the day that I was saved by four huge ninja turtles. Or tortoises. I can't really tell the difference between the two even without them doing crazy stunts.

I went home that night and I knew exactly what I was going to do with all of the money I had recently earned from the popular smut novel that I wrote. I was going to become a superhero. Or a vigilantly. Because I have no superpowers. Except I can read smut out loud without blushing. But yeah that's it.

So I spend a week at a gym to go and get muscles and I failed. All I gained from my gym experience was a rough draft about an illicit gym affair between the desk manager and a heavy weight lifter. It's going to be released next spring.

And so, in failing physical strength I bought a gun and went to a shooting range to try and see if I could like snipe bad guys from roof tops or something. I learned that I scream every time the gun in my hands went off and that it is impossible for me to hit anything without ten minute aim prep.

So . . . it was useless.

But I did get a good story about a retired military man running a shooting range and going after a single mom who came then for self-defense.

Clack, clack.

My shoes were so loud that I swear that people inside the buildings could hear them.

I was walking from the pawn shop where I had sold my gun and was wondering if people pawned old sextoys. I was a 21 year old, job-less (kinda), virgin pervert. And I loved my life.

I could do anything I wanted and be as sleazy as I wanted because that's where my income came from. I could become nocturnal or not even come home. I could dress how I wanted and I had money to burn.

The only thing that could make my life better was if I could fight crime with those shelled reptiles. They looked like they had a fun unboring life. Not that my life is boring, but it doesn't ever change.

I looked down at my hand. I was holding my new taser. A little black thing with a promise from the person who sold it to me that it could knock out everything short of a cow. I didn't really believe them but I guess that I could at least need some sort of weapon now that my gun is gone.

"Hello, pretty."

I froze. Oh, shit~! I was so gonna get mugged! I couldn't get mugged now! My rough draft is in my bag! Oh, crap, crap crap!

I turned slowly and saw that one of the guys had a gun out already. I swallowed and wished that I still had my gun with me. "Umm, I'll give you my money, but I need to keep my purse. I have something important to my job in there."

"Oh, must be valuable."

Before I could assure them it wasn't, a large green shadow dropped from the building next to us and said in a thick Brooklyn accent," Leave the lady alone."

Immediately a fight broke out and my two would be muggers were beat down to the concrete, obviously unconscious.

"Hey, lady. You ok?" I realized that at some point I had fallen down and was sitting on my knees. The large masked reptile was leaning over me offering a hand. I unthinkingly reached up to grab it. I hadn't even come into contact with it yet when I heard the oddest sounds. Like a bug zapper.

The reptile in front of me stiffened up and then fell sideways. I looked at my hand. The taser was in it.

I looked back and forth between my hand and the turtle (I had decided nothing that fast could be a tortoise) and I contemplated my situation. I had finally met the or one of the turtles again. Only to taser it. I really don't think that will give the best impression. So it came down to two things. Do I leave him here? Where it won't see me again and never get to explain that I hadn't met to taser it. or do I stick around and hope he's not the shot first ask questions later sort of person.

Neither choice seemed all that good.

And then a third option was opened to me.

I jumped up and ran back the way I had come and after a block of sprinting I was back at the pawn shop. I slammed the door open and screamed at the guy behind the counter. "Do you have any listening or tracking devices!"

The guy, a little shook up at how I was acting stuttered out a frightened "S-sure." He held them out to me.

I grabbed them and slammed two hundred dollar bills on the counter and sprinted out of the store. I ran back to where the turtle was still laying and ripped open the packages. After getting them free and reading a simple thing on how they worked I searched for a place where I could stick them, without them being noticed.

I decided that the lower shell lip would be the best. It was unlikely that the area would be searched.

Slightly embarrassed, I felt around the area. And came into contact with HIS anaconda. Wow. The thing was huge, and it wasn't even erect. This guy vould make a size queen one happy camper, if not a sore one. I pulled it out of where it had been tucked into his shell and stared at it.

It was a slightly darker green then his skin and a sweet little pink head. For all intents and purposes, it looked like a type of candy. I cut that part of my brain off before I got onto the road of "I wonder what it would taste like". I gently tucked him back into his she and stuck the device on one of the indents on his shell. I then put the tracking device on the other side.

I collected the evidence that I was ever there and tasered the two other would be muggers to make sure that the turtle woke up before they did.

Then I ran till I turned a corner and walked the last 3 blocks to my little hole in the wall.