The Causes of WWI - Hetalia
Characters: Britain, France, Russia (Tripe Entente)
Austria and Hungary (as Austro-Hungary), Germany and Italy (Tripe Alliance)
Morocco, Alsace-Lorraine and Turkey.
Serbia (standing for the Balkans)
And there will be outright racism.
The time was World War One.
Post WWI, Europe was split into two teams, the Triple Entente of France and Russia, which Britain (after getting over his hatred for France and signing a contract stating that they were to protect the other's land) later joined. The other team was the Triple Alliance, consisting of Germany, Italy and Austria and Hungary – who were sharing houses to make it an even three by three match up and so much easier for GCSE students to learn.
Europe, though one continent which was expected to civilly work together and prosper, felt a tension that only grew as the years passed, which to be frank, was mostly caused by Germany being paranoid. And who wouldn't be, if you were surrounded by Britain, France and Russia with only Italy and the two lovebirds on your side?
Germany, sensing a war, held a meeting to try and cool the air.
Germany: I have called together the Triple Alliance, the Triple Entente, Serbia, Turkey, Morocco and Alsace-Lorraine today to discuss how we, as civil, prosperous and mature nations can try to ease the tension we are experiencing in Europe which, if you don't mind me saying, will probably result in a war.
Serbia: Well, I'm not too sure about prosperous-
Germany: (Shouting) Will you wait your turn!? We won't be doing this at all if we aren't going to do it properly!
Morocco: Just as long as I get a say – I never get a say-
France: (Whisper) Sucks to be African.
Germany: (Shouting) France! Be quiet!
France: Sucks to be German.
Germany: (Sighs) If we could all just be silent, I'd like to state the situation and my case before we all start pointlessly arguing, okay?
Italy: Okay, Germany, I made pasta!
Germany: That's very nice, Italy. Now… I hate to sound like a whiner here, but I've been given little other choice. I, speaking for myself and the Triple Alliance, feel surrounded and threatened with the current situation in Europe.
France: Like I said; sucks to be German.
Germany: France…-
Britain: I hate to say it, but France is right. If you are going to have your own little alliance, what can you expect of the rest of us? It's not our fault that you are situated in central Europe, between great powers such as Russia and myself-
Austria: Oh how big-headed-
Britain:(Shouting) Shut the bloody fuck up, okay? Anyway, it's no good whining now over our geographical situation. If you hadn't started teaming up with Italy and Austria I wouldn't have teamed up with France. In fact, if you and France hadn't started fighting over nothing, the Triple Entente would never have happened so suck it up, twat-face.
Morocco: Can everyone please stop talking about me as if I'm not here…?
Germany: (Shouting) He insulted my Kaiser!
France: Sucks to be German.
Italy: (Crying) Everyone, stop shouting at Germany!
Germany: (Slams hands down on table) Enough! This is exactly the kind of argument I wanted to avoid! As I was saying! The fact that we are in separate alliances in itself is a cause for concern, and I know that there is an arms race going on-
Russia: Oh ho? What arms race?
Germany: (Frightened glance at Russia) Like I said, I know that Russia here is expanding on his army of foot soldiers, and I know that you, Britain, though you are cutting down on foot soldiers, are piling up your navy.
Britain: Well I don't know what you're talking about.
Italy: But Germany, you're developing your army too, right? So isn't it fair if we're all in this together-
Germany: Italy, stay the hell out of this!
Italy: (Whining) No fair, Germany, I'm part of this alliance as well! You promised you'd come swoop in and save me-
France: (holds palms an inch apart) And this is how many fucks I give.
Serbia: And that's saying something, because France would fuck anything.
Britain: Oh, no need to defend, Serbia. Germany's only caught up in my expanding naval fleet because he has, and always will be, jealous of my empire.
Germany: That is not true!
Britain: Oh yes, it is. Why else would you be taking over random insignificant African countries that are landlocked, if not to gain some ground?
Morocco: Excuse me, those are my brothers you're talking about-
France: And why else would he take my Alsace-Lorraine?
Germany: Oh give up on Alsace-Lorraine! Let it go, I got her fair and square-
Alsace-Lorraine: Please, don't talk about me as if I'm not here-
France: You practically stole her!
Alsace-Lorraine: But he didn't, because I wasn't your possession-
Germany: (Shouting) Let it go!
Alsace-Lorraine: (sighs)
Britain: Can we acknowledge the real problem here, and that is that Germany is scared of Russia.
Russia: (Ignored) Oh? Why would he be?
Germany: I am not!
Britain: Would you hear me out!?
Everyone: (Silence)
Britain: Thank you. As I was saying, yes, it is true that, as the Triple Alliance, we are expanding our militaries. Partially between France and I as part of our agreement to protect each other's overseas land, and partly because, Germany, you are not the only one who has been foreseeing a war, and the problem here is that everyone wants to be the one to start this inevitable war, but nobody wants to be invaded. Personally, Germany, you have the largest problem with Russia, though I imagine that Italy feels a bit of fear every now and again at the fact he borders France. There is no denying that Russia, you are a large, impressive and slightly intimidating nation and let's face it Germany, if Russia invaded you first, you wouldn't last a week.
It might be intelligent to note that, as well as the fact that Germany didn't actually win in WWI, they knew they were no match for Russia, and so it might have been in their interests to have bared this in mind in WWII when they attacked Russia, only to have the Russians crush them like ants. Some kids never learn.
Germany: You've surprised me with your sympathy, Great Britain.
Britain: Yes, well I wasn't being that sympathetic. You're still a fool.
Germany: Yes, like I said, you surprised me with your sympathy.
Britain: (rolls eyes) are you trying to start a war with me?
Italy: (Sniffling) Germany, I don't wanna go to war!
Serbia: Excuse me! Are we all just going to discuss Britain and Germany's problems!? There are others in this room!
Morocco: (Ignored) Yes, I agree with Germany, I want to be independent-
Russia: Da! There is no problem. I am going to take over you, Mr Serbia, okay?
Serbia: No! It is not okay!
Hungary: Well if you're so against Russia taking you over, why don't you let Austria and I have the Balkans?
Russia: (Darkly) Oh, but that is not going to happen, silly.
Hungary: Okay, never mind, sorry…
Austria: If only Prussia were to get involved…
Britain: We don't need that buffoon here! I wish he weren't in Europe!
Italy: I don't like him, he's scary and tries to invade my vital regions!
Serbia: Oh for God's sake…
France: I don't care about this shit.
Germany: Turkey, you've been very quiet…
Turkey: Yes, well… I'm not in the mood for all of this arguing. We all know I'm financially weak so can we just MOVE ON!?
Germany: Y-yes… I didn't realise you felt so strongly about it…
France: Oui, oui, thank you, can we get back to the Powers now, please? Enough of you colonised, mortal countries.
Serbia: Excuse me!?-
Britain: France, don't rile them up on purpose, that's the enire reason it got to this…
France: You can't stop me from saying what I want, I'm a free country-
Russia: Not when you become one with Mother Russia you won't be…
Italy: (crying) No! I don't like him, he scares me!
Germany: (Shouting) Can we please, all quieten down, stop fighting and try to sort this out!?
Britain: I'll sort you out!
…
And so, the underlying reasons of all of the little petty problems brewing in Europe, such as the Moroccan crisis, the arms race and Germany's jealousy over the British Empire, it all boiled down to the fact that it was a large house, full of boisterous children, who all hated each other.
Spain: I stayed out of the whole thing because I had no money! Yay!
I know right, what the hell? It's just something to help me remember the causes of WWI rather than re-reading notes. Hope it helps or made you laugh.
~BS