"Shepard!"
Barely resisting the urge to groan, Shepard stopped a few feet in front of the door to her quarters and looked in Kaidan's direction. He'd barely spoken to her in almost a month, ever since the clusterfuck that had been Asteroid X57. And the one time she wasn't even remotely in the mood to talk? Now he wanted to have a conversation.
She should have been annoyed. Instead, she couldn't help but feel at least a little relieved that he was at least speaking to her without being spoken to first.
Shepard tried not to think about what that might mean.
"Alenko," she said, trying to keep her tone as professional as possible. "Can I help you?"
She could tell by the way he flinched, just slightly, that he'd picked up on the fact that she'd pointedly not used his first name.
"Do you have a minute?" he asked after only a moment's hesitation.
Part of her was tempted to say "no." To turn away from him just like he'd turned away from her, to go into her quarters and forget about the hint of something that she'd thought was growing between the two of them. To pretend that she hadn't been questioning every single little thing about her life ever since she'd left Noveria two weeks ago.
The words were out of her mouth before she even knew she was saying them. "For you? Sure."
Kaidan looked surprised. Shepard couldn't blame him. She hadn't been expecting it either.
"It's about today's mission," he said.
Shepard bit back a sigh. Of course it is, a cynical voice muttered in the back of her head.
"Go ahead, Kaidan," she said, reaching up to rub the back of her neck. "Shoot."
He bit his lip, looking almost sheepish. "I wasn't expecting you to go to all that effort to keep the colonists of Zhu's Hope alive."
She closed her eyes for a second, taking in a deep breath and letting it back out. Then she opened them again. "I don't make a habit of going around killing civilians when I can help it."
"You didn't have a problem letting those hostages die a few weeks ago," he shot back. The calm façade he'd had up cracked, just a little, and she saw the anger that was lurking just under the surface.
Not to mention the disappointment.
Shepard had been expecting this conversation ever since they'd gotten back from Asteroid X57. It didn't make it any easier now that it had actually come.
She narrowed her eyes. "That was different."
"Oh, was it?" Kaidan asked, his eyes flashing. Literally. She knew that she wasn't imagining the sparks of biotic blue she saw reflected in them. "Enlighten me."
"Letting Balak go free would have jeopardized the mission!" Her hands clenched into fists at her side, and she fought to keep her biotics from flaring up. "Using the gas grenades wasn't a risk. If they didn't work, there were other options."
Kaidan opened his mouth as if he was going to cut in, so she pushed forward.
"Believe me, Kaidan," she said forcefully, "if the grenades hadn't worked, there would have been a much higher body count. I wouldn't have hesitated to kill every single of those colonists if there hadn't been a better option, but there was and I fucking took advantage of it."
Kaidan's eyes flashed, but his tone was frustratingly matter-of-fact when he asked her: "And the fact that Balak was a batarian had nothing to do with it?"
Shepard froze. She could practically hear her heart pounding in her chest. "You're out of line, Lieutenant," she finally managed to choke out.
For a moment, she thought he was going to continue. Then he shook his head, a mask of professionalism slipping back over his features. "Sorry, ma'am. It won't happen again."
The formality in his voice made her chest ache. Just like that, her anger melted away, leaving nothing but exhaustion and regret.
"See that it doesn't," Shepard said tiredly.
Forcing herself not to meet his gaze, Shepard turned around and headed straight toward her quarters. Her breathing wasn't as steady as she'd like it to be, and every single breath felt like someone was stabbing her in the chest. She knew it was all in her head, but it still fucking hurt.
Shepard stopped just in front of her quarter, taking in a few deep breaths and slowly letting them out.
Cora Shepard, the Butcher of Torfan, didn't hesitate. She didn't back down. She didn't give second chances.
But maybe Cora Shepard, commander of the Normandy, could be a bit more lenient.
"I'm not a saint, Kaidan," she said quietly. "I'd like to think that I'm not a monster either, but I admit that I'm willing to do whatever it takes for the sake of the mission. If you can't live with that… well, whatever this thing is we've been dancing around isn't going to work out."
Behind her, there was a sharp intake of breath.
"I am who I am," she continued, pretending she hadn't heard it. "You're going to have to make up your mind whether that's someone you can live with or not."
She reluctantly turned back around, meeting his gaze straight on.
There was something in his eyes that she hadn't seen before, that she wasn't quite certain how to read. Then he nodded. "You're right."
Shepard waited. Almost twenty seconds had passed before she realized that she was holding her breath. She slowly let it out, forcing herself to breath a bit more normally.
"Let me know when you figure it out," she said finally, starting to turn back toward her door.
There was movement behind her, and it took all of her control not to strike out when she felt a hand on her shoulder. But she let him take the lead, gently turning her back toward him.
Kaidan was chewing on his bottom lip, and Shepard had to quickly squash down the part of her brain that apparently found it adorable. Instead, she kept her face carefully expressionless, giving him the chance to make a move.
"Is there anything you wouldn't do for the sake of the mission?" he asked quietly.
Shepard tilted her head slightly, studying him. She had the feeling that she was missing something, like he was asking more than the obvious, but she couldn't for the life of her figure out what it was.
"No," she said simply.
He studied her face. "Nothing?"
She shook her head. "Nothing."
"How many people would you be willing to sacrifice?" he asked, still pushing.
Shepard let out a sigh. "What do you want me to say?" she asked him. "That I'm willing to sacrifice a hundred people if it means stopping Saren? A thousand? Ten thousand? A hundred thousand? A million? Because that's who I am, Kaidan. I'm the person who gets the job done, no matter the cost."
"And you never regret any of it?" he asked. "You don't even think about the people that you sacrifice along the way?"
She jerked back as if he'd slapped her.
Kaidan stared at her, his eyes widening like he'd seen something he hadn't expected. She didn't want to know what it was that he'd glimpsed hiding behind her mask.
Her heart was pounding in her chest, and part of her wondered how he couldn't hear it. "I never said that," she said, her voice getting louder despite her best intentions. She felt her hands flaring, her biotics reacting to her fluctuating emotions. "I remember them all, Kaidan. Every. Single. One. Of. Them."
Shepard practically spat out the last few words. She spun around, fully intending to lock herself in her quarters and try her best to force her biotics back under control.
"Shepard?"
Kaidan's voice stopped her in her tracks. She didn't know what it was, not exactly, but there was something in his tone that she hadn't heard before.
Slowly, almost hesitantly, she looked back toward him.
"Someone who remembers every—" He trailed off, like he wasn't quite certain what to say. Then he gave her a weak smile, one that was reflected in his eyes. "I think that's someone I can live with."
Shepard stared at him for a few seconds, surprise freezing her in place. She was still angry. She knew, deep down, that there were still plenty of things that the two of them needed to talk about. She was well aware that it wasn't going to be easy.
That didn't stop her from slowly starting to smile.
Kaidan's own smile seemed to multiply a hundredfold in an instant. It was almost enough to take her breath away.
A small part of her knew that she probably looked ridiculous, at least a little lovestruck and most likely with a very lopsided smile on her face. A larger part of her didn't give a damn.
"Maybe we can talk again tomorrow?" she asked hesitantly.
Kaidan nodded. "I'd like that."