Chapter 1
It seems like every time I sit down to write a chapter for something, a new story pops out on to the page! Still, this one is at least not all that long…and I did get another chapter written for something else. I hope you all enjoy!
"Jesse?" Knocking on his door, I try to keep myself from running. Obviously he doesn't want to talk to me, or he would have called me back or answered my messages right? Still, I can't bring myself to walk away, I want my friend back. "Jesse I know you're in there, I can smell popcorn."
Ignoring me? I mean, I know I hurt him. Anyone can see that he really likes me a lot, and it's not that I don't feel the same…I can't. "C'mon Jesse, open up." With a sigh, I turn to walk off. Maybe it's better that I don't do this. Even as it's killing me to admit it, he's probably better off without me.
As I turn away, the door opens and there his is, looking rather pissed off actually. "Hey, I tried to call you. I left you a bunch of messages." I let my voice trail off, clinging to the hope that this will end with us being friends again. I really don't know why I care so much, but I just can't do this without him.
"I got them." His voice is harsh and he's blocking my entry into his room. Normally he would just let me in and there would be movication, or goofing off or…my thoughts stop abruptly as I realize this isn't normal. I hurt him and he's really done.
"I'm sorry that we fought," trailing into the apology I planned out in my head. It's not good enough, but maybe he'll see it's a start? "I was mad and I overreacted and I just…Aubrey makes me crazy." He's got this incredulous look on his face like I'm an idiot…which I probably am.
What's going on here? "You think I'm mad because you yelled at me?" His voice is so hard and I know I've screwed up big time.
"No, I know-" He cuts me off with a glare and I can't help the urge to cower back. This is Jesse. This is happy go lucky, everything is great Jesse and now he's hurt and angry and it's my fault.
"No you don't know. You think you do but you don't." That look is still on his face, the one that lets me know I'm nowhere near where I should be. I shouldn't have come here. "You push everyone away who could possibly care for you. Why is that?"
Is he serious right now? "I don't know Jesse, maybe it has something to do with everyone I have ever let in hurting me?" With a snort I turn to walk away. This was a bad idea. He…of course I know how he feels about me but I can't. I can't let myself go there, I just wanted my friend back, I can't let myself feel those things again, even for Jesse…why can't he just see that?
Turning back to look over my shoulder I see the hurt in his eyes. "I thought you understood how much I just needed a friend, nothing more. I thought you understood that I am too afraid to let anyone in more than that. Guess I was wrong." I let the tears slide down my cheek as I raced away, ignoring the pained look on his face.
I'm broken. Shouldn't he realize that more than anyone else? Hasn't he been watching me throughout everything, seeing the pain at interacting with my Dad, trying to hold me through the tears that leak out after every phone call with my Mom? How can he not realize how unprepared I am for more? Why can't he just understand?!
I arrive back at my room in record time and wipe my eyes, settling down onto my bed to watch Breakfast Club again. Maybe it's lame, but it's my crutch…the writer's got it. They understood how hard some things can be and its just…if I ever get another chance I'll tell him thanks for the pseudo introduction.
As I settle in and the opening credits begin to play, there is a knock at my door and I can't help but groan. "Thank you for stopping by the dorm of Beca Mitchel, I am either recording music, in class, or I just really don't want to deal with anyone right now. Go away and try again later." I can't help the snort that softly comes out of my mouth along with the words, but hopefully whoever is on the other side gets the hint.
"Beca." My heart stops as I recognize the voice. Jesse. What the hell is he doing here? Why is he here now, hasn't he hurt me enough today? "Beca come on, as cool as those recordings would be, you left out the part about the scary ear spike…is that Breakfast Club I hear playing right now?"
Rolling my eyes I stand up and walk over to my door, trying to decide if I should do to him what he did to me. Seriously, I have a lot more practice in shutting people out. I open the door and glare at him as he shifts nervously.
"Hey." Raising my eyebrow I just look at him. Really? That's what he's going with? "So, I know I was a dick back there a few minutes ago, and I know I should understand. I'm sorry Beca." His eyes are pleading with me to just let him in and talk but I'm still on guard from everything. I don't know if I can just let him in again.
"Jesse, why am I upset right now?" I look at him closely, seeing if he'll figure it out. This sucks, all I want to do is let him in and watch a movie, or show him a mix. I want to goof around with my best friend and go back to how things used to be.
"You came to apologize and I just shut you out?" I watch as he takes a deep breath before going on. "You don't trust people, but you trusted me to understand and I screwed it up. You came to try to get your friend back and I couldn't see passed my feelings for you to see that all you can handle right now is a friend?"
Wow…yeah he basically got it. Stepping to the side I let him in and watch as he sits on my bed again, eying me nervously. I wish I could tell him that I feel something more for him too, but I can't. If I do…that's all he will be thinking about and I'm not there yet. "Are we ok now?" My eyes are searching his and I watch as he visibly relaxes at my words.
"I am if you are."
Sitting down next to him, I grab my laptop and start the movie over again, shhing him as he tries to ask a million questions about why I am watching a movie, this movie, willingly.
"Jesse, I've seen this probably twenty times in the last two weeks. Don't look shocked, and if you are going to sit there staring at me you can leave." I stick my tongue out at him as he turns back to the screen with a smile on his face.
It doesn't take long before I start to feel tired and I can feel my head drooping onto his shoulder. Shit. I know I should move to a pillow, or kick him out or something but I just don't want to. Probably not fair but everything has just made today so…difficult and I don't have the energy to fight as his arm wraps around my shoulder and pulls me closer. He's mumbling something, and I can only barely make out what I think is "please let her be ready soon…I don't know how much longer I can take just being a friend." before I go to sleep. Could have been part of my dream though, no way of knowing.
I am in a dress, walking down an aisle and I can just tell. This is my wedding. Why am I at my wedding, why am I getting married? It's beautiful though, everything seems just as I would have planned it…although is that Benji walking with me?
As we get closer to this awesome archway I can see everyone now…all of my friends from here at Barden, and some from back in High School. No parents though…I guess even in dreams that's to be expected. The girls are all in these amazing dark blue dresses and the guys are in their requisite tux's…and right there…Jesse? Is that…it is…I'm marrying Jesse!
We arrive up to the arch and I take his hand, a smile on his face bigger than any I have ever seen. "I love you Beca." His eyes are sparkling and I can tell he means it. I can tell this is what he has been waiting for since the moment we met at the radio station.
"I love you too."
I jolt awake with a start to find myself wrapped around something warm. A body? Yeah, definitely a body. What the…my mind is racing a million miles an hour and I can't help but freak out a little. Did I drink yesterday? Did I take some drug or something?
As I lay freaking out, I remember Jesse and the movie. Shit really? I tilt my head up carefully and find myself staring directly into the amused eyes of Jesse Swanson. Fuck! What the hell am I doing?
"Calm down Beca, it's alright…although you drool in your sleep did you know that?" He's laughing and just smiling down at me. What has him so happy? What did I do? I'm panicking and I know I should stop but I can't…this is exactly the type of thing that shouldn't be happening. Friends…this is not what friends do…CRAP!
I bury my head into his chest and try to figure out a way to fix this, tears escaping my eyes quickly. "Whoa Becs…what's wrong?" Gripping my face firmly, he tilts me so I am looking at him again. "It really is alright."
"No it's not! How is this anything resembling alright?" The tears just keep falling as I groan in frustration. "This doesn't help me keep us just friends...this doesn't help me get over feelings for you, or push them away, or make you think I don't feel more than I do or…SHIT!" Looking into his eyes I see the gigantic grin and realize everything that just came out of my mouth.
I have to get out of here. I need to clear my head and figure out a way to spin this that doesn't involve him believing I feel more than I say I do, I…my brain stops working as I feel his lips press gently into mine, his hands winding into my hair to hold me in place.
Is he kissing me? My body is moving on autopilot as I let myself respond, trailing my hands across his shoulders and kissing him back, a moan escaping my lips as I feel him smile.
Eventually air is needed and I snap back into reality. Is there even a point in trying to deny it now? "Okay nerd," I breathe against his lips with a sigh, praying this doesn't come back to bite me later, "so I guess I do feel more for you than I said before, it doesn't mean I'm ready for it."
His arms pull me in tighter and I know. I know despite anything I just said that this is worth it. He's worth the risk. Everything should be telling him to run away, especially the fact that every other girl out there is better for him than me, but he's just pulling me closer.
There aren't any more words for a while, and I find that it's not as nerve wracking as it normally would be, this silence. He gets it now. "Jesse?" My voice is quiet, kind of like Lily's at auditions if not weaker, but he still hears me and just gives a gentle squeeze. "I don't know how to…Gah, okay…I need you to listen to something."
Getting up quickly, I unwind myself from him and pick up my laptop, opening up my music and pressing play on a song I think will describe everything to him, I hope. Seriously, maybe I should get better at this speaking thing…apparently I suck at it.
"Beca what's…?" I cut him off with a look and motion for him to just listen:
If I fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand?
'Cause I've been in love before
and I found that love was more
than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure
from the verystart
that you,
would love me more than her
If I trust in you oh please,
don't run and hide
if I love you too oh please
don't hurt my pride like her,
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I,
Would be sad if our new love,
Was in vain
So I hope you see that I,
Would love to love you,
My heart is beating fast as I stare at his face, eyes glued to his reaction. He speaks through music just like I do so he's bound to get it right? He shouldn't need me to explain? I swear my nerves are more shot today than they have ever been and part of me just wishes I could rewind time and have a redo. I could have saved so much trouble by just kissing him when he opened the door!
"Beca is that," I breathe deeply as his eyes search mine, looking for a sign that I'm not joking around with him. "is that really what you feel right now?" I just nod and suddenly I'm in his arms again and his lips are pressed to mine.
This is perfect. Definitely cheesy, but better than anything I could have imagined.
"I love you Beca Mitchel."
"I love you too." My thoughts trail back to my dream and I can't help wondering if it is actually going to happen. Maybe? Hopefully? For the first time in my life I'm excited about the prospect of everything, and I only have him to thank.
"I know…you talk in your sleep weirdo." I feel myself pail and just bury my face in his shoulder. FUCK! Do I even want to know what else I said? He's just smirking at me happily. "Someday you'll be walking towards me Beca, I've already told you…inevitable."
As he kisses me fiercely, I accept that I won't win this one and just enjoy my time with him for now…maybe letting someone in isn't so bad, as long as that person is Jesse.
So there it is, one of the many reasons not everything else is getting updated as much as it should! What did you think? I had some fun with this one, primarily because there are so many ways I can see this scene going in the movie…especially since I think Jesse wouldn't have just shut her out like he did, not after knowing what he does about her ya know? Reviews are definitely appreciated, and the next chapter of Memories is coming very, VERY shortly. Oh and the song is If I Fell by the Beatles