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Harry Potter and the Return of the Literary Errors

Chapter One

Harry Potter woke up and frowned as he realised that he couldn't see. He fumbled for his glasses, jammed them on his face and gasped.

"Oh, bollocks," he whispered, "I'm back in the cupboard!"

"Get up!" screeched a voice from outside the small room.

Harry groaned and crawled out though the door.

"Kitchen!" shrilled Aunt Petunia. "In! Now!"

Harry scratched his head.

"But," he said.

"Don't talk back!" replied Petunia.

"Aren't you Just Pretending™?" asked Harry.

"No!" screamed his Aunt. "And don't ask questions!"

Puzzled, Harry allowed himself to be lead into the gleaming kitchen, where he was promptly enlisted to cook the bacon.

Uncle Vernon and Dudley soon entered the room, but Harry, still deep in thought, didn't even realise.

"Boy!" boomed Uncle Vernon.

Harry started.

"Yes?" he said.

Vernon glared pointedly at him.

"Coffee," he hinted dangerously.

"Oh," replied Harry, "sorry."

"No more excuses!" yelled Vernon, as Dudley watched with obvious pleasure.

Harry began rattling around in the pantry in search of the coffee. Aunt Petunia sniffed at him disdainfully.

Suddenly, Dudley shrieked and fell off his chair.

Harry looked up from the cupboard and gasped.

"Rachel?" he said.

The girl in question nodded as she looked around the kitchen.

"Is Louise here yet?" she asked.

Harry was beginning to shake his head when a loud banging sound emerged from the hallway.

Louise bounded into the kitchen, pulling cobwebs from her hair.

"Sorry!" she beamed. "I ended up in the roof cavity by mistake!"

Uncle Vernon seemed to have been shocked from his silence by her comment.

"Who do you people think you are?! Bursting into our house without warning! I have half a mind to call the police, and let me tell you –"

"It's so shiny!" said Louise joyfully, as she viewed her reflection in the refrigerator and ignored Vernon completely.

"What are you doing here?" asked Harry.

"Dumbledore wants us to bring you to Hogwarts," replied Rachel.

"Dumbledore?" whispered Aunt Petunia fearfully. "Not that … that …"

"FREAK!" boomed Vernon.

Rachel hissed at the man, extending her canine teeth as she did so.

"Watch out," said Louise cheerfully, "she hasn't had breakfast yet."

Dudley whimpered.

"Come on then, Harry," continued Louise, "we'll help you pack!"

"He's not going anywhere!" shrilled Aunt Petunia. "We swore when we took him in that we'd cure him of that nonsense!"

Louise stuck her fingers in her ears.

"La la la la la," she sung, "I can't hear you!"

Rachel rolled her eyes as she ate Vernon's coffee beans.

Harry cleared his throat.

"We can go now," he said, "I don't have anything I want to pack."

"Brilliant!" said Louise. "Let's go!"

Rachel nabbed the packet of beans before grabbing Harry's sleeve and disappearing.

The Dursleys' gasped, almost in unison.

"Keep practising that," encouraged Louise, before she too popped away.

"Mummy," whispered Dudley, "what just happened?"

A/N: Due to limited use of an Internet connection, updates will be slow, although hopefully quite regular. Any suggestions or comments can be made to the author via a review; and any questions will be answered promptly.

Thanks for reading, TLLL.

PS If this makes even less sense than usual, we recommened you read Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom first. A link can be found by going to the author's profile.