AN: This fic is a bit tongue in check since I thought it would be funny to make it a bit self insertion. Like all great works, my self inserted OC has all of a cough 2 cough resemblance to myself. I for one consider this to be part one of a three part comedy, but depending on what you think of my writing skills, well some of you might consider this part one of a three part tragedy. Also a big thanks to King in Yellow for letting me borrow his Best Enemies universe to set this fic in. Even though this story takes place after A Simple Jewish Wedding, it has no continuity with it.
KIM POSSIBLE: SO THE SELF INSERTION
Chapter 1: Through the Looking Glass
I.
"Drew, are you sure about this?" Wade asked.
"Yes I'm sure. What can go wrong?" The now reformed evil scientist responded.
Wade could only shake his head in frustration. They two of them had been working for months on their newest project, a short range teleporting device. If it worked it would mean a revolution in transportation that when compared to the internal combustion engine would be like comparing a rubber band propeller and a jet engine. Or at least it would once they got the bugs worked out and were actually able to teleport something through it. "Ok Drew, fire it up."
"Nah, no, I'm not going to do it," Drakken whined.
Oh great, Wade thought, he's throwing another hissy fit. "Now why not?"
"Not until you call me doctor."
"Oh come on, we've been over this already."
"Either you call me doctor or I won't power up the Worldwide Teleportation Facilitator." Drew said as he put his foot down both figuratively and literally.
"Drew, your not a real doctor, heck you didn't even finish your bachelors degree." Wade countered.
As the two of them continued to argue back and forth, neither one of them noticed the receding sound of thunder. Nor did they notice that the lighting bolt, which had preceded the thunderclap had also produced 1.26 gigawatts of electricity that was now racing around the wiring of the former lair turned Lipsky and Load LLC headquarters looking for the path of least resistance. Unfortunately, the super conductive high voltage cables attached to the circular, since it was always easier to create and maintain a circular dimensional rift than any other shape, and vaguely "Stargate" looking device that was known as the WTF provided that path of least resistance.
"For the last time I'm not going to call you doctor," Wade shouted.
The young teen genius, who really had earned his PhD, was about to say something else when he noticed that the WTF was powering up. "Uh Drew, did you hit the power button by mistake?"
"Of course not!" Drew replied indigently. "I, the great Dr. Drew Lipsky would never do such a thing."
"Then how come the WTF," Wade really did hate the shorthand name for their device, "is powering up?"
"Uhhh." Was all Drew could say in response.
Spinning around to face his computer Wade began to become worried by the unstable readings he was getting. "Drew, shut it down."
"Some genius you are. How am I supposed to do that when I didn't even turn it on?" Drew argued.
"Well we had better find a way to shut it off, because it looks like something is coming through."
Not two seconds after completing his warning there was the sound of screeching tires and the sound of a crash followed by smoke and the triggering of the lab's fire suppression system. As the halon gas filled the room and deprived any potential fire of oxygen it did the same to the room's occupants. Even as Wade felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of his lungs, he was glad that he had replaced Drakken's cheap water sprinkler system with the more expensive inert gas version given the amount of high voltage wires they had running all over the place.
II.
Jayson was happy, he had finally finished paying off his car and now had the pink slip for it. He was so happy in fact that he even indulged himself and was singing along to the radio in his car as it speed down the road. But he was even happier that no one was in the car to hear his off key singing "Yeah I'm running down a dream, going where ever it leads, running down a dream". Jayson was in his happy place, or in the zone as the endless miles of the road lay before him, so much so that he didn't notice the bright light that appeared on the road in front of him until it was too late. All he could do was close his eyes, slam on the breaks, and hope for the best.
III.
"Boss, are you ok?" One of Drakken's former henchmen turned legitimately employed security guards asked as he helped his blue skin boss out of the smoke filled lab.
"Yes, no thanks to Wade in there." He replied sarcastically. If Wade wasn't going to call him doctor then he wouldn't return the favor.
"Is Dr. Load still in there?" The guard asked worriedly. He liked the kid, and in many ways the former henchmen had him to thank for their jobs.
"I don't know."
Heading in to the lab, the henchman was glad to see that the new ventilation system had cleared out most of the smoke. Making his way towards the massive row of computers along the far wall, the guard soon found his other boss.
"Are you okay, Dr. Load?"
"I'm cough cough fine. But go check the car and see if there's anyone in it."
He didn't know why the two of them had a car in the lab, or how it even had fit through the front door with out any one noticing it. But then again a lot of strange things happened when ever those two decided to play mad scientist in the lab. He quickly found the car and could tell that I was a total loss, while a quick searched proved that there was indeed a driver in the car and that he was still strapped to his seat, his head resting against the steering wheel and its deflated air bag.
IV.
"Ow, my head." Jayson complained as he felt his eyes being assaulted by a bright light. After a few more seconds both his vision and head had cleared enough that Jayson could see that the offending bright lights were ceiling mounted and that he was laying on his back.
"Mr. Lipsky, Dr. Load, he's awake."
Hmm, a female voice, this is a promising start, Jayson thought to himself as the owner of the voice came in to view.
"Hi there, how are you feeling?"
"Well better than I was about ten seconds ago." Jayson said with a slight smile as he sat up before bringing his hand to his chest.
"Are you hurt?"
"I don't think so, just sore across my chest. Probably where my seat belt tightened up and restrained me. I'll probably have a bit of a bruise there."
"Okay. Well my name is Rosita, but my friends call me Zita. I work for Lipsky and Load Limited."
"I'm Jayson, nice to meet you," he said while offering his hand.
"Ahh I see our visitor is awake. You realize that you destroyed my greatest invention yet. I will demand repayment, I will demand restitution, I…."
"But a sock in it Drew," A short and slightly round young black man said as he came to stand next to the taller and much bluer colored man.
Looking at the two men, Jayson was a bit surprised. "He's blue." Jayson said pointing towards Drew, "Does that mean we need to get the jaws of life?"
"Wah?" Drew exclaimed.
"Don't worry he's okay." Zita reassured him.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Wade Load." Wade said as he extended his hand to Jayson.
"Jayson," he said shaking it.
"And the blue guy is Drew."
"Actually that's Dr. Lipsky."
"What ever." Wade said as he rolled his eyes.
"As curious as I am about how he picked up the Smurf look, I'm even more curious as to what happened to me. One minute I'm driving down the road, the next I find my self laying on the floor being greeted by a beautiful woman and Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum. I'll let you two fight over who is who." His last statement brought a smile to Zita. "Wait a second. Did you say Drew Lipsky, as in AKA Dr. Drakken." Jayson asked.
"Ahh so you have heard of me." Drew replied with an obvious smile.
Jayson then turned his attention towards Wade, "And you're Wade, the computer guru and brains behind Team Possible." When Wade nodded his head Jayson continued. "You all sound the same, but you look different, like you've grown a bit. In fact everyone looks older than I remember them."
"You sound like you've met us before. But I don't ever remember meeting you. Drew, Zita, have you ever meet Jayson before?" Wade asked.
"I can't say the face looks familiar, the name doesn't ring a bell either. So he must not be all that important." Drew said while dismissively waving his hand.
"I don't remember ever meeting him either." Zita confessed before suggesting, "But maybe Kim knows him, after all she's meet so many people all over the world."
"Where did you meet Kim? Was it during one of her missions?" Wade's curiosity about the newcomer was growing stronger the more he talked to him.
"Oh well you see it's like this," Jayson said nervously as he scratched the back of his head. "I've never actually meet Kim or any of you people before."
"Obviously delusional." Drew dismissed as he tossed what looked like a piece of hard candy in to his mouth.
"Says the former megalomania evil scientist as he pops his meds." Wade retorted.
"Wade, you hurt me with your words." Drew shot back and soon the two were bickering like an old married couple, again.
"Okay, so if you've never actually meet Kim or any of us, then how do you know us, and what did you mean when you said we all looked older than you remember?" Zita asked as she ignored her employers.
"Oh yeah, about that. Well you see I first saw Kim and et al. on the Disney channel, a cartoon called Kim Possible." Jayson answered somewhat sheepishly.
V.
"Let's review," Wade said to the people assembled around the table in the lair's conference room, "Some how an electrical surge…"
"Caused by a lighting bolt which added 1.26gigawatts to the current that was in the wiring." Drakken interrupted.
"And some how activated the WTF…"
"The Worldwide Teleportation Facilitator."
"But the power was more than we've ever run through it before," Wade continued while ignoring the interruption, "So it activated the WTF and somehow opened a portal or doorway of some kind."
"Which happened to appeared on the road in front of my car back in my real world." Jayson added.
"Universe actually." Drakken corrected.
"What?"
"Your world is Earth, just like this one, just as real, only it's from a different plane of reality, another universe if you will. All of which exists with in the multiverse."
"Now you're just making that up to sound smart. Why can't you just call it pan-dimensional?" Wade challenged. For all of his superior IQ, the fact of the matter was that Wade's area of expertise was with computers and robotics, but things like cosmology, string theory, and the Heisenberg Uncertainty principle as they related to pan-dimensional phenomena were more up Drew's alley than his.
"No he's right." Jayson defended despite Wade's skeptical look. "What? I'll admit, I've played the Rift's RPG before, and that's what they call all the different dimensions, the "multiverse". Besides mulitverse sounds cooler than pan-dimensional."
Zita, who was known to partake in MMOG games like Everlot her self, couldn't help but to smirk as she whispered, "Nerd alert."
"Takes one to know one." Jayson staged whispered back.
"Trying to keep things on track here," Wade interjected, "The result was that Jayson's car was teleported from his universe, in which we all exist merely as cartoon characters, to ours, and that it came through the WTF…"
"Worldwide Teleportation Facilitator," Drakken insisted again.
"And wrecked half of our lab when it crashed." Wade finished.
"And I still demand restitution."
"Restitution? Dude my car is sitting in there a total wreck, and I just paid it off." Jayson complained as he waved around the crumpled pink slip. "Tell you what, have your lawyer call my lawyer and we'll discuss it." Jayson smirked, "Oh that's right, my lawyer is back in my universe, where you're just a cartoon, so guess you can't then can you, "Bender."
"Wah?" Drew said in obvious confusion at being called Bender.
"Which brings up our next issue." Wade said, "When Jayson's car wrecked our lab it also wrecked most of our equipment. It may take weeks to repair the…"
"WTF!" Jayson exclaimed.
"I was getting to that." Wade was now quit annoyed at being interrupted, yet again.
"No, I mean What The F…."
"Excuse me, language. There is a lady present." Zita demanded.
"As I was saying, the teleporter is broken, so we can't send Jayson home yet." Wade finally finished.
"So you're saying that I'm stuck here." Jayson asked.
"Well only until we get the WTF fixed."
"And how long will that take?"
"Drew and I spent months working on it last time. So it's hard to say, it could be weeks, maybe months."
"He he, yeah months." Drew chuckled nervously. What he didn't want them to know was that depending on which components of the WTF were broken, they may never be able to fix the device. Especially if any of the broken components were parts that he "borrowed" from the pan-dimensional vortex inducer the last time he had stolen it from Dr. Dementor.
"You think that's funny?" Jayson asked angrily.
"Well no, it's just that…"
"It's what? Funny as in ha ha, or funny because it's me and not you. Funny because I'm the one stuck here and your not." Jayson demanded as he brought his fist down on the table.
"No it's not that."
"Then what? Funny because you're still here and didn't leave the people you care about, your family and friends."
"No, all I'm saying is…"
"That's it, now you're going to get it." Jayson said as he leapt towards Drew. Soon the two were lost in a cloud of dust and flying arms that would have made the Goodfeathers proud.
"Easy there, we'll do our best to get you home as soon as possible." Wade reassured the new comer.
"So what am I to do in the mean time?" Jayson asked as he returned to his seat.
"Get a hotel room and we'll call you when the Worldwide Teleportation Facilitator is fixed." A disheveled Drew, who now sported a black eye and an off kilter bandage around his head, offered.
"Well I hope you're willing to pay for it "Brother Blood" since I have all of," Jayson quickly looked in to his wallet, "all of forty three dollars to my name. Unless there happens to be a me in this universe who happens to have the exact same credit card number. And even then I don't think he'll be too amused at someone charging things to his account."
"That's a good point." Wade conceded.
"Mr. Lipsky, Dr. Load, can I make a request?" Zita spoke up. "Can we let Jayson stay here while you fix the WTF? There's more than enough room now that the henchmen dorm is empty." Zita then took a deep breath as she put on what could best be described as cross between the PDP and a damsel in distress look before continuing. "I know what its like to have no where to go and no where to stay. I was lucky and was able to turn to Ron and Kim for help when I left my husband. But Jayson has none of that." Yeah it was cheating to exploit the protective nature of her two male bosses, but Zita knew it was for a good cause.
"Uggh, no fair using your womanly charms like that." Drew complained. "At least when Shego wanted something she would just threaten me with her plasma."
Drew had been in a rather bitchy mood all day long, maybe he needed to have his meds adjusted, Wade thought to himself. The only reason he didn't say it out loud was that he had to admit that he agreed with Zita. Not so much because it was the right thing to do, which it was, but because he knew that if Kim and Shego found out that they had turned Jayson out on the streets then both he and Drew would be on the receiving end of sixteen kinds of plasma kung-fu.
As Jayson watched this, two thoughts came to his mind, the first was that wondered what Zita's back story about leaving her husband was. The second was the old saying 'if your not cheating then you're not trying.'"
VI.
"Here's your room, it should meet your needs for the next few weeks till Wade and Drew can send you home." Zita said with a smile as she showed Jayson to the old dorm room that used to house Drakken's former henchmen. The room wasn't much, a large open room with four sets of bunk beds in it and eight wall lockers. Off to one side was a small washroom which contained a row of three sinks, a single door less toilet stall, and a single shower.
"Great, just like my old Army days. Thanks a fuc…" Jayson said flatly.
"Excuse me, language." Zita interrupted sharply.
"Sorry, old habits." Jayson said a bit sheepishly.
"You don't sound too appreciative."
"It's not that I'm not. It's just that I'm still having a hard time believing that I was sucked in to an alternate reality where a cartoon I like to watch is your reality. It's enough to make me think I'm going crazy."
"If it makes you feel any better then we can see if Kim's mom will give you a brain scan." Zita said with a smile.
Jayson wasn't sure if Zita was being serious or not and could only stare at her. "Please don't tell me she wears a blond wig and goes by the nickname Pickles."
"Ahh no." Zita answered in confusion, "But I'm just messing with your head."
"Oh great, here I am in an alternate reality and your making jokes about my mental health. I feel the love." Jayson chuckled.
"See, it's not that bad if you can laugh about it."
"Well I can either laugh about it or cry about, and lets face it, its just not dignified to see a grown man cry." Jayson smirked. "But it's still pretty depressing. I'm stuck in an alternate reality, taken away from my friends and family with no way of knowing if or when I might return."
"I can sort of understand."
"Don't tell me you were pulled through a worm hole too."
Zita slowly shook her head no. "No, I live here in this universe. But I know what it's like to lose touch with your friends, family, and the people you care about."
"What do you mean?"
Zita spent the next hour explaining how after high school she had gone to work full time, meet her future husband, and why she left him, as she helped Jayson make his room livable.
"I can't just stay here and mooch off of Wade and Drew. Is there something I can do to make myself useful? You know, to help them help me." Jayson asked.
"Well I work as both their receptionist and as their cleaner. But I don't know what sort of jobs they might be able to give you."
"Not the first time I've pushed a broom for a living."
"What have you done for a living?"
"Let's see, I've been in law enforcement, a soldier, a teacher, a clerk, a contractor, a search and rescue crew member, a movie usher, a full time student, and at one point I was even a bum." Jayson said proudly.
Zita blinked at the list before commenting, "Wow, you really can't hold down a job can you?"
Needless to say Jayson's ego deflated faster than a balloon at the end of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
VII.
"So, Zita tells me that you wish to be employed by us." Drew said as he sat in his chair, his fingers steepled together and gazing upon Jayson as though he was a child.
"Employed is one way to put it. I prefer to think of it as earning my keep around here, Fu Dog." Jayson replied.
"I see, and just what sort of skills would you bring to Lipsky and Load?" Drew had given up on trying to figure out why their newest burden kept calling him different names.
"Well first of all, I'm flexible, I'll take what ever you give me. Even if that's little more than pushing a broom around."
"We already have a maid." Drew said dismissively.
"And a quite attractive one at that, but that's neither here nor there is it? The real question is can she alone clean this place properly? Not likely since as I understand it she also works as a receptionist for you."
"A valid point."
"Plus, looking at your diminutively sized hands, I would surmise that you and Dr. Load could use a lab assistant who is capable of hauling around heavy equipment in addition to pushing a broom."
Drew didn't know whether or not to be more insulted by the diminutive hands comment or the Dr. Load comment. But then he began to smile like the Grinch as an idea came to his mind.
"I'll tell you what. I'll convince Wade to hire you on as a lab assistant, on one condition."
"And that would be?"
Indicating for Jayson to lean closer, Drew quickly whispered his idea to the young man.
"I can see why you were considered an evil genius." Jayson said with a smile of his own.
VIII.
"Jayson!" Drew hollered without even looking up from the circuit board he was working on.
"What is it boss?"
"I need you to bring me the box that has our spare circuit boards in them."
"No problemo." Jayson said as he headed off to find the requested item.
"Drew," Wade said as he walked up to his 50/50 business partner. "I know we agreed that letting Jayson stay where until we fixed the WTF was the decent thing to do, and I know out of the kindness of our hearts we hired on Zita to work for us. But now you go and hire someone else to do basically the same thing that she does."
"So, it's not like we're paying Jayson." The ever penny pinching Drew Lipsky replied.
"It's not that Drew, but we're supposed to be partners here. 50/50. We make all decisions together."
"And you weren't here yesterday, so I made the decision with out you. Besides, what are you going to do? Tell him he can't help out and just has to sit around all day and wait while we work on the WTF?"
Wade sighed in defeat. He knew that Drew was right, and that had he been there he would have made the same decision. It just galled him when ever a little of the old egotistical Dr. Drakken would emerge and try to run things his way.
"Fine, just remember that Kim is bringing Joss by later today so that I can help her with her science fair project."
"Really now do you think that someone of my great intellectual capacity would forget a simple detail like that?"
Wade ignored him as he turned and walked away, which shielded Drew's evil smile from his field of view.
"Here are the spare parts you wanted." Jayson said as he placed a box of parts on Drew's workbench. With a simple wink from Drew, Jayson understood that it was time.
Leaving the lab Jayson used Drew's cell phone to place a quick call. Twenty five minutes later operation Overly Convoluted Design (OCD) began in earnest.
"Ms. Flores, theirs a pizza guy here with a delivery for you." Joe, one of Drakken's former henchmen, called from the front door.
"But I didn't order any pizza." Zita said in confusion.
"Something wrong?" Jayson asked.
"They're telling me theirs a pizza boy out front saying I ordered a pizza. But I don't remember ordering a pizza."
"Well maybe it's a mistake. Tell you what," Jayson said as he pulled out a ten, "I didn't have any plans for lunch, if nobody else claims it then I'll go halves on it."
"Ok, but I didn't order a pizza." Zita insisted.
After Zita had left her receptionist desk, which was in direct line of sight of the entrance to the lab, Jayson than followed up with the next step of OCD. He opened up a small storage closet and pulled out the item he had hidden in there and quickly placed it inside the lab before Zita could return.
Hearing the lab door open and then close, Drew looked up and smiled as he saw that OCD was proceeding smoothly. The hardest part of his plan had been getting the right clothing for it, but fortunately marriage hadn't ruined the woman's appreciation for a good practical joke. Now, as the properly clothed and configured Bebe robot made it's way across the lab toward the unsuspecting Wade, all Drew had to do was sit back and watch the show.
Working diligently on the equipment in front of him, Wade was too focused on trying to finish his work before his guests arrived to notice that someone had walked up behind him. Or at least that was until he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist.
"Wade, you're looking good. I'm impressed, you must really be sticking to my diet and exercise regime."
"S, S, Shego?" Wade sputtered as he attempted to disentangle himself from the pair of arms and turn around to face his "attacker".
"That's my name don't wear it out." Shego said with a not quite innocent smile.
Having extricated himself from the grip around him, Wade got an eyeful of "Shego". She was wearing a low cut green tank top that was cinched together by a black denim skirt. A pair of black boots clashed with her knee high green socks. Her hair was seductive tucked behind one ear as she batted her eyes at the young genius.
"Shego, what are you doing here? I thought Kim and Joss were supposed to come by."
"Oh don't worry about them."
Meanwhile, outside the lab, OCD was beginning to accelerate.
"Decided to accept the pizza anyways?" Jayson asked as Zita returned carrying a pizza box.
"No because I didn't order it."
"Well you brought it back."
"Well here is your half of the pizza, Joe took the other half."
"See, no big deal, you're not even out any money." Jayson smiled as he accepted the pizza box. "Well I have to get some more equipment for Drew and Wade, so I'll just take my lunch in there. Catch you later."
Zita was waving goodbye to her co-worker when the sound of a pair of footsteps approach her desk.
"Hi Zita." Kim said to her friend as both she and Joss gave a small wave. "Is Wade in the lab?"
"Yes he is. Do you want me to take you two back there?"
"Please and thank you."
As the lab door opened to admit the three women they soon saw a sight none of them were expecting. There, pinned against his work bench, Wade was struggling to escape the amorous advances of the pale skinned women they all knew as…
"Shego! What are you doing?" Kim demanded.
"Oh hi Kimmie, I'm just having a little fun." Shego said with a sly smile.
"Wade, how could you?" Joss yelled.
"It's not my idea." Wade tried to defend him self.
"Oh don't try to play coy Wadey boy." Shego purred.
"Shego, stop this instant!" Kim yelled as she approached the two.
"Ahh, don't tell me that your jealous. Hey Drew, Kimmie here is jealous." Shego announced even as Drew attempted to get her to be quite.
"Drew!" Kim shouted.
"I had nothing to do with this, I swear." Drew said as an awfully angry and assuredly annoyed Kim approached him.
Sitting above it all as he watched the scene from an overhead ledge, Jayson munched on his pizza as he enjoyed the show.
Deciding that if he was going down that he wasn't going down alone, Drew did want any person would do when trying to save their skin, they shifted the blame.
"You can't just blame me. I had help. Jayson was in on this too!" Drew shouted.
"Who?" Kim asked?
"Jayson, our new lab assistant." Wade filled in. "Jayson are you in here?"
"Wades question was answered by a blur as a certain young man jumped from his hiding spot and dashed through the lab doors before anyone could stop him.
"How come I've never met this Jayson before?" Kim asked.
"Oh don't worry Kim you will. I'll bring him by this Saturday for our usual poker game." Wade said as an characteristically evil smile formed on his face.
"But Wade, if he just pulled a prank on you, why do you want to invite him over to play poker?" Joss asked.
Wade only smiled more before answering, "Because my dear Joss, pay back is a bit..."
"Excuse me, language, there are ladies present." Zita announced from seemingly out of no where.
AN: Just what does Wade have in mind? Will it quench his thirst for vengeance? And just how will Kim, Shego, and company react to meeting this strange little man named Jayson? Find out in the next exciting chapter of Kim Possible: So the Self Insertion.