Not Quite a Fairy Tale (But Pretty Darn Close)

By Samurai-Nashie

Disclaimer: Insert appropriate disclaimer here.

Summary: A magical tale of chivalry, castles, and pixie dust, in which Sora searches for the Yaoi Grail, Kairi leads a feminist revolt, Demyx asks pointless questions, and Axel ends up rescuing the wrong princess…er, prince. Happily ever after? Yeah right.

oOo

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a princess in a bright, shining castle. And this princess was honest-hearted, beautiful, kind, just, gentle, benevolent, chaste, and soon-to-be sixteen years old and everyone loved her, and remarked on her honesty and her beauty and her kindness and her just ways and her gentleness and her benevolence and her chastity and her upcoming birthday bash . And peace spread across the kingdom because of the charity and benevolence of the princess' heart.

As can be expected, that didn't last long.

You see, the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales, Sixth Edition, in the fifth volume, chapter six, paragraph seven, it states, and the Narrator quotes: "All honest-hearted, beautiful, kind, just, gentle, benevolent, chaste, and sixteen-year-old princesses must be realized of a curse placed upon them from the day they were born to a spell of the vile sort which can only be undone by the Kiss of True Love."

When Princess Kairi found this out, she was much displeased.

So she went and asked the court librarian, some guy named Vexen, exactly what she was cursed with. Was it a terrible disease that would make her sound like Sir Gilbert Gottfried, or a death-dealing sort of curse what would send her to sleep for a really, really long time and make her have terrible morning breath? After all, Princess Kairi reasoned, these things were best dealt with quickly.

Vexen, of course, being Vexen, told her that he didn't know the answer, but she should take two aspirin and call him in the morning if the symptoms hadn't changed. This was not the answer the princess was looking for, and she kicked Vexen some important place between the knees and the sternum before running off to find some real answers. Vexen meanwhile curled up on the floor, and muttered doom about the fairer sex.

For the next few days, Princess Kairi looked long and hard for answers about the source of her curse, but found nothing (meanwhile, more and more male members of the royal court were beginning to doubt their ability to father children).

Finally, a week after her quest for answers began, Princess Kairi pretty much thought she was doomed.

Then, she had a brilliant upon brilliant idea.

"I know what I shall do!" Princess Kairi pronounced to her pink-and-frilly bedroom, and the chirping birds that rested on her windowsill and the squirrels that perched on their trees and the mice that were scrubbing the windows all came to a standstill and turned to look at their beloved Princess. She smiled widely and threw her arms open. "I shall call for the assistance of a handsome, swashbuckling Prince who I will fall in love with before I turn sixteen, therefore nullifying the curse!"

And her wildlife friends cheered and clapped.

"Oh, what a smashing idea, Princess!"

"You are so very smart, Princess!"

"As smart as she is lovely!"

Meanwhile, the Writer of the Big Rule Book of Fairy Tales, Sixth Edition, muttered furiously about the existence of loopholes.

oOo

Across the green fields and sapphire oceans and the great farmlands and the jagged mountains and endless forests lay yet another country that was also far, far away (and therefore in the middle of nowhere). And in this country there was a prince. And his name was Sora, and he had a heart of gold, and a smile that made the sun rise, and a cheerful demeanor that put a sparkle in the stars…and, well, he was basically an all-around nice guy. The girls in the kingdom swooned over him, the royal court beamed whenever they spoke of his modesty and his valiant quests, and the commoners often burst into song when they heard his name.

So, when the news came from across the green fields and the sapphire oceans and the great farmlands and the jagged mountains and the endless forests that Her Royal Highness, Princess Kairi, was looking for a prince to save her from an evil curse, many automatically assumed that their beloved prince would jump onto his white horse (appropriately named Of Course) and bound across the land to save her.

There was just one problem: Sora already had a quest.

And it wasn't just any quest - no, Sora was searching for legendary Yaoi Grail. It was spoken about in whispers and hushed tones, because it's power was that magnificent and feared. Once, Sora had asked the old village guru, some fellow named Merlin, exactly what the Yaoi Grail did, and the bearded old guy whapped Sora on the rear, and proclaimed, "Don't you know? The Yaoi Grail is the source of power in the mystical realm of Fanfiction."

"What is this…Fan Fiction?" Sora had asked.

"Nothing short of an all-consuming power!" Merlin had explained, waving his stick around for emphasis. "If one possesses the Yaoi Grail, the realm of Fanfiction shall be at your hand, and you could possibly alter the known universe with its magical properties and the guardians of the Grail…" he lowered his voice, "…the fangirls."

"I shall seek this Yaoi Grail then!"

Of course, Sora, being Sora, didn't exactly stick around to hear Merlin's disclaimers, which involved something about semes, ukes, and the destruction of the Canon Universe. Not that Sora would have understood what any of this had meant, but it probably would have explained a lot of things that happened later in his quest.

Anyway, since Prince Sora was so enraptured by his quest to find this elusive Yaoi Grail, he turned to his best friend since childhood, the handsome and very angst-ridden Sir Riku, and said, "Maybe you should go help that Kairi girl." Because even though Sora was preoccupied with other matters, he wasn't heartless.

Sir Riku considered this offer. "Think I'll pass. I still have plenty of time to woo princesses. Besides, I'd rather go with you on your quest."

Prince Sora was very much displeased at this answer (whether or not he was displeased by Riku's refusal to save an innocent princess, or by his declaration that he would woo a princess and not…er…someone else is entirely up to the reader's discretion).

So Sora was in a very foul mood for a good four minutes until he decided that if Riku wouldn't save Kairi, then he knew of someone else who could. And with that, Prince Sora and Sir Riku decided to take a brief little trip to the neighboring Country That Never Was, and guilt-trip their old friend Sir Axel into saving a damsel, destroying dragons, being labeled a hero, and all that wonderful stuff.

Sir Axel was unimpressed by the offer.

"Why would I want to save some cursed princess?" the redheaded lord asked, frowning. "That stuff is like a disease - it passes right onto the next person until they both die. Why can't you do it?"

"I'm looking for the Yaoi Grail - I don't have time to save a princess."

And there was much arguing for many days until Sora finally agreed to let Axel join them on their quest after he had rescued said cursed princess, and saved a nation, and became a hero, and not one second earlier. Axel thought this was a fair enough deal, and warned his two friends not to complete their quest without him, or something involving castration and wooden stakes would have to be brought into the picture.

With that warning, Prince Sora and Sir Riku set out on their quest, while Sir Axel logged onto Ye Olde Internet to MapQuestith to search for the kingdom of the cursed princess.

Unfortunately, Sir Axel was distracted by ThouTube and failed to put in the direct address of Princess Kairi's castle.

But as is the case with misread directions, he didn't realize this until after he was lost, at which point he cursed the internet, ThouTube, and Korean exercise videos.

oOo

Meanwhile, in a dark castle that was situated precariously on top of a black and jagged mountain, where dark clouds and thunder bolts seemed to be the flavor of the day, someone cackled evilly. And then coughed. And sputtered. And then muttered about how many types of hell and havoc evil laughter wrecked on the throat and the lungs.

Someone else in the room threw ye olde Ricola cough drop in the general director of the cackler.

Afterwards, there was much cursing and promises of castration and probable ancestries of the person with very, very bad aim.

oOo

(23 July 2007): Y'know…I don't think I have anything to say on this bit, other than this is looking to be around three or four chapters. Reviews are appreciated (especially if you made it this far without your brain exploding).

- Nashie