hello! it's been a long long i am actually not posting on here anymore, i've moved on to different websites to post fic. however! since i'm writing jily again (after a long, long time), i figured i would let you guys know.

i've posted the first little part of this + the content warnings, but the whole thing is over at archive of our own dot com under the same title where i'm darlingjustdont. you're free to ignore this, of course, but i thought updating anyone still here would be nice. anyway love you thank you for being there all these years, you're awesome.

i don't hp etc etc (do you still do that over here? i don't know anymore)

/

cw for some violence and talk about blood, vague suicidal ideation, smoking, heavily implied (like just short of actual descriptions of) sex, a lot of talk about vomiting, vague descriptions of torture, a lot of injury descriptions, and nonfatal (but still serious) injury to a pregnant lady. i promise it's not that dark. ish.

/

the waves are dark miles beneath her feet. they crash into the side of the cliff so forcefully she can almost feel the earth shaking. rocks dart out among the spray, sharp and unmoving and tempting.

she sticks one foot over the edge of the cliff and imagines following it, imagines herself dropping down into the cold, cold water, banging against the rocks and still dropping, until she settles at the bottom of the sea.

"lily!" someone shouts behind her and it's enough to rock her back onto the safe ground, enough to startle her away from the edge. she pulls her cardigan tighter around her body and turns. it's sirius there in the distance, hair getting pulled at by the wind. she lifts a hand in a wave and troops towards him, stepping around mud patches and the scraggly garden she's started.

sirius looks tired. it's the first thing she notices about him, it's always the first first thing she notices these days. there are dark circles under his eyes, weariness pulling at the skin of his face. bruises dapple his cheek in varying colours, different shades for different ages. his hair is wet over his forehead from the sea salt spraying into the air, and brown with dried blood.

"what happened to you?" she says, more than asks. he shrugs and watches her face.

"show me a patronus."

"you first," she replies with the faintest of smiles. they lift their wands together and silently, twin streams of light burst from the tip. the watch the doe and the dog prance around for a second before the spell dissipates into the air.

"good to see you, evans."

"likewise, sirius." she pushes the door open to the tiny cottage and isn't surprised to see more people there; peter's on the couch with his arm wrapped in a bandage. "pete-"

"m'fine," he mumbles even though she can see he's pale under the grime. "just a chunk of me missing."

"what happened to you?" she repeats, twisting her head between peter and sirius. they exchange a look that's heavy with unsaid words. sirius opens his mouth to answer, but it's james that speaks first, pushing away from the wall.

"got in a fight with some death eaters, that's all. rodolphus fights dirty." lily swallows hard when she sees his face. it's just as dirty and tired and bruised as sirius' is, lined with exhaustion and the ever-present anger simmering behind his eyes. he motions to peter. "he got the worst of it."

she nods, glancing away from james to examine peter for a moment. heading to the kitchen, she rummages through the cupboards until she finds the potions she needs, dumps them out on the coffee table and reaches for peter's arm.

"here. let me see." she unwinds the bandage. it's soaked through with blood already, unusable, so she vanishes it with a wave of her wand. peter's arm is trembling with the pain and he winces away from the brush of her fingers. "just a chunk?" she says dryly, glancing up at sirius. he shrugs again.

the gash is nasty and wide, but lily's seen worse. she uncaps the potions quickly and pours out a stream of liquid over the wound, muttering spells under her breath and ignoring the pressing weight of the boys' presence around her.

james waits until peter's mostly healed to speak. "marlene's dead."

lily's hand slips and she pours out too much of the precious potion. "what?"

"prongs," sirius starts quietly but james keeps talking, tone hard and clipped.

"marlene died. she got ambushed last week and couldn't fight her way out."

she carefully corks the potion bottle and summons bandages to wrap around peter's arm before standing. "and you're just telling me now?"

james' face is blank. he's only across the room but he seems so far away, far enough away that it makes lily's heart ache.

"we just found out."

lily tips her chin up and blinks once, twice before turning on her heel and disappearing upstairs. the hallway is dark but she doesn't bother with a light, just lets her feet follow the well-travelled path to her bedroom.

she hasn't cried over someone dying in a long time and tonight is no exception. they burn at the back of her eyes but refuse to fall, refuse to give her any relief. it's a deep sadness welling inside her, raging against her mind, but it doesn't spill out.

god, she just wants it all to stop: the war, the deaths, the loneliness.

the floorboards creak outside the door and she brings a hand up to rub at her aching eyes. "go away, sirius."

"i'm not sirius," james says, pushing open the door enough for him to step in.

"why are you here?" he glances back into the hallway behind him for a long moment, one that she takes to look at the length of his neck, smooth skin stretching taunt over strained muscles, marred by a pale scar cutting too close to his adam's apple. his shoulders are tense, fingers restless against his trouser leg. it's the only part of him that isn't still.

"james," she says quietly and his head snaps back towards her. "why are you here?"

"are you okay?" he asks after a moment.

"i'm fine."

"lily," he says, frown cutting deep into his forehead. she sighs, dragging a hand through her hair, and stands. the bedroom is small; she could reach out and touch him if she wanted.

"i'm fine, i swear."

"don't lie to me."

"i'm not lying," she counters, glancing up at the curve of his chin. he looks up to the ceiling for a moment and then back down at her, still frowning.

there's too much dead space between them, too many things to say and no way to say them. they weigh heavily on her tongue but don't seem to want to spill out, no matter how much she tries.

she opens her mouth to say something, anything, and the sound is lost is lost against james' lips. it's hard and sharp, and she kisses him back just as fiercely, digging her fingers into his shoulders like it will keep him there with her like it used to.

she can taste blood in the kiss and she's not sure if it's fresh or old, new wounds or past ones breaking open, so she just kisses harder, deeper, willing herself to get lost in it again.

nothing is easy anymore, not even this.

it's over almost as soon as it began and james breaks away with a gasp, her face still cradled in his palms. he breathes for a second and so does she, them both just staring at each other for a long moment. his lips are bruised and swollen, hers are too, and everything in her wants to push forward and kiss him again, soothe the hurt with her mouth.

an emotion she can't read flickers in his eyes and he swipes at her cheekbones with his thumbs, leaving wet smeared behind. she hadn't realised she was crying.

james hesitates for a moment, a deep crease in between his brows, before shaking his head. he's out the door in three heartbeats, long enough for lily to gather a deep breath and let it out. the front door slamming echoes around the house and she knows he's gone, they're all gone, and she's left here alone.