Disclaimer: J.K Rowling is the creator of the characters, I am merely an impostor directing situations that could be…
Warnings: References to m/m slash and self-harm, there's no sequels or happy endings (if you want something lighter go read my other R/S fic, 'A Mate')
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Torture of the Unrequited Kind
My unknowing love... captor... Sirius.
It has always been you. I can't understand how I failed to see it. Yet, before I could do anything about this oddly distressing situation, she showed up.
I'd seen you looking at her before. Since the ball you couldn't stop looking at her. I remember that night well. I dressed in my best robes, the ones that I'd brought especially for the occasion. They were tawny gold with tight fitting chestnut brown trousers and an open white tie shirt. You said the robes would complement my amber eyes and I remember my heart tap-dancing in my chest.
You looked as stunning as usual. How could you not? That midnight blue robe set off your smoky eyes, making my own eyes dilate with lust. Those black dragon hide trousers clung to your body so well I almost broke and kissed you as you smiled at me and asked if you looked good.
Bastard.
You always look good, and you know it. James smacked you lightly on the head and Peter clucked his tongue in irritated jealousy. I'd been too tongue-tied to speak, and inwardly cursed myself when I felt my cheeks flame with a hot blush.
I'd been excited to go. You had no date, and I thought that it might be my chance... that I could finally tell you. After all, to have a crush for six years is a little ridiculous really. If only it hadn't been you I might have had a chance. It was you though, and I suppose running into the forbidden forest naked, smeared in blood and screaming a centaur war song would have had a better ending than where my feelings led me.
Before I could confess what I felt for you, you saw her. A Ravenclaw, I believe. You elbowed me and pointed her out – asking in an awed voice what I thought of her. I scowled in the shadows of the darkened disco-like light and answered, 'not much'.
You, however, were already making your way over to her and were soon flirting determinedly. I felt then a now all too familiar feeling of despair. That ache that seems to tighten like a vice around my heart, squeezing so severely that sometimes I think I've died and passed into a sort of hell.
James saw me staring at you both. My eyes burning with confined pain, another emotion I wouldn't and couldn't share, and he gently touched my shoulder. I flung him off and went straight to the Gryffindor dorm where I quickly downed the contents of the fire whiskey you thought no one knew you had. When I'd finished the bottle I threw it against the wall where it smashed with a loud and almost melodic crash. I closed my eyes and listened to it with relish, not noticing as the glass rebounded and stung me, creating the odd image of diamonds embedded in my skin. I didn't notice the pain. The moon's punishment - my usual tortures - made the few scratches seem like a playful tickle of sensation. I then collapsed on my bed, dry eyed and emotionally exhausted. I already knew I'd lost you.
A month later and now you're engaged, and it feels like my soul has been ripped out from my body and is yours to do with as you wish. You've now gone from my life, vanishing so suddenly that it's like losing a limb. I'd spent the last six years with you and I hadn't even understood why it was that I almost growled every time I'd see anyone so much as look at you, not until a couple of months ago.
Then I found out: I loved you.
Loved your warm grey eyes. Loved your wild dark hair. Loved your seductive, mischievous mouth. Loved you so much that every time you were away from my side I'd nearly break down and keen – howl at your loss like the animal I am. I can't imagine anyone else not loving you. It's simply impossible. You charm everyone you meet, even those you hate. People are naturally drawn to you and your inviting grey eyes, and sometimes I'm afraid I'm only one more victim, just one of the hundreds who've given their heart to you, only to find that they'll never have it returned.
She was everywhere, never far from your side, or your bed. Her scent on you drove me insane, every time I'd clench my fists, dig my nails so deep they'd cut into my palm and small trails of blood would slowly seep through my pale fingers. One word circled in my mind until I nearly screamed it aloud-
MINE!
You'd been mine for six years and, even though I'd not realised it, I had unconsciously claimed you as my own. The wolf cried out for its mate and raged that it went unanswered. And now? Now I'm paying for my lack of awareness, paying for how I'd so finely tuned out my desires, my deep wishes, just so that I could keep the wolf at bay.
MINE!
My heart screams it, and yet you aren't and never will be.
I understand, I do. It was my fault completely. I knew how you were, an incurable flirt. I know I was stupid enough to let myself fall for you, and it was wrong of me to expect you to feel the same. Although occasionally I'd catch you watching me with a peculiar expression and I'd turn to you, heart thumping, and ask what was wrong. You'd just smile and shake your head. I thought then that you were the one that liked me - I'd trick myself into believing it. But we both know that I'm the guilty one in this. This time it's me and unlike you I can't escape my punishment with a playful grin and a sheepish look. I'm trapped in this and have no way to get to freedom. Trapped to watch you and not have you. She has you, I know this... but I can't help wanting it to be otherwise.
I can't even take that one sweet road to my final freedom. Your presence keeps me here, binding me to this godforsaken torture of the unrequited kind. Besides, when you found me the other night with that wonderful shard of glass from the previously mentioned fire whiskey bottle, I don't think you were too pleased.
You've got me completely and you don't even know it, or perhaps you do but avoid my lovesick glances and shy, embarrassed smiles. You own me - my heart, body and soul. I can't escape you, and so I'll be here, trapped.
Forever yours... unacknowledged... Remus.
The End