The First Taste of Fear
You were the reason why I first experienced fear.
I saw your two annoying best friends in the distance and heaved a sigh. I was in no mood for their antics. No doubt I admired their loyalty to you - the type of loyalty only possessed by the extremely stupid or naive. Loyalty held only by those who have never tasted the betrayal that comes with the constant stress and competition of staying at the top.
As I approached them, I mentally prepared myself to be scolded for my callous treatment of you. Whilst I knew that my scathing comments had hurt you deeply, I justified my behaviour by telling myself that you deserved worse for your poor decision to date Kinnosuke, one of the few people in the world who could possibly be even more foolish and rash than yourself. I scoffed when they ignored my approach and raised their voice instead. They were so transparent. It was obvious that they wanted me to hear…
My mind suddenly went blank when their words struck me. A cold fist closed around my heart and it was suddenly extremely difficult to breathe. My body was functioning on autopilot and my feet continued to carry me towards home. However, I was completely unaware of my surroundings and only heard their voices reverberating in my head…
"… Kinnosuke is proposing to Kotoko tonight!"
"Do you think she will accept?"
"I'm sure she will. After all, he's loved her for so long and has been so patient with her…"
My first coherent thought moments later was that no, there was no way that you could marry Kinnosuke. This was followed by a feeling of deep betrayal. How could you agree? How could you when all along you have been proclaiming that you liked me, and even hinted at loving me? Was everything a lie? Now I know that I was being a hypocrite. I had no right to insist that you should not marry someone else, not when everyone knew that I was making plans to marry another girl and was breaking your heart in the process. However, at the point in time, I only knew that there was no way I would allow you to like someone else.
I was overconfident. I knew that I was a genius. Yet, I did not realised how blind I was, until Sahoko pointed out to me that I liked you, a lot. Immediately, it became blindingly obvious – why I found myself constantly irritated by you, why I was constantly so mean to you, why I confided in you things that I told no one else, and why I was able to maintain my cool around everyone but lost all control when I was dealing with you. I remember the only thought that I had on my mind was – please don't let me be too late.
The subsequent events are a bit blurry. I recall rushing to Uncle's restaurant, and the despair that I had felt when I realised the shop was closed. The disappointment that I felt was overpowering when I thought I had lost you to another man.
I remember how my heart skipped a beat when I bumped into you. Did you realise how much you looked like an innocent angel under that umbrella? Or at least you would have, except for the heartbreaking look of desolation on your face. An expression which, I realised with a pang, I never wanted to see on your face ever again.
I could not stop myself asking if you had agreed to marry Kinnosuke. You were right to tell me that it was none of my business. However, in the end you caved and told me that you would leave the house with Uncle before I married Sahoko. I lost all control of myself again when you said that you would marry Kinnosuke. I think I yelled at you and told you that you were not allowed to like anyone else except for me. I will never forget the devastated look on your face and the pain in your eyes as you completely broke down. Your hands were shaking as you clung onto the lapels of my jacket, and your voice broke as you confessed that you only liked me, but there was nothing you could do because I did not, and would never, return your feelings.
My only thought was that I had to tell you how wrong you were. And I suddenly found myself cradling your beloved face in my hands and kissing you with a passion - a passion that I had never known that I was capable of feeling. Well, at least that effectively shut you up. I realised then that I was never going to let you go, that I could never let you marry anyone else, because I wanted you to be mine alone. Somehow, your persistence had worn me down and you had wormed your way into my cold heart. I had unknowingly fallen in love with you, deeply and irrevocably.
Life with you is always one big adventure. Indeed, fear is now a much more constant companion then previously. With your penchant to get into trouble, I always worry that one day you will get into something over your head and I would not be around to bail you out. Hopefully, that will never happen. I will try my best to be vigilant, and I know that your friends also watch out for you. I love you, Kotoko. I cannot bear to imagine how dreary my life would be without you.